Ghosts
by Drive all night
Summary: Kim's past was tucked away in a tightly sealed box until someone comes and takes the lid off. What happens when your past, present and future collide...BURZEK
1. Chapter 1 - Be Safe Mom

**A/N: Well Burzek is back...it might just be a rough ride though but who doesn't love a little bit a angst.**

"Oliver James." Kim leant on the bannister and called out for the fifth time. She looked at her watch and realised she was going to be late if he did not move his ass. "I am leaving in two minutes, you are either in the car or you can walk." Her son had one pace; snail pace especially in the mornings and it frustrated the crap out of her.

Kim gritted her teeth as he sauntered past with his backpack dragging behind him. "I haven't had breakfast." The annoying thing was he didn't do it deliberately, Oliver just had his own clock and it was one that ran slower than the rest of the world.

"Who's fault is that? I asked you to get a move on thirty minutes ago. Your cold oatmeal is on the table, grab it and let's go. You can eat in the car." She grabbed the backpack from his hand and stood by the door waiting.

"I don't like cold oatmeal."

"I don't care. You are just like your father." Oliver stopped in his tracks and Kim felt her voice catch in her throat. He looked at her coldly and she shivered a little. That was something that Kim never said so why it came out then she would never know. "Sorry." She muttered. "Let's go."

The car trip was a silent one; even the usual chatter from the back seat was missing. So much had changed for all of them lately and the easy morning banter that they usually shared had dried up weeks ago. Her son was pretending to gag on his cold breakfast but he was hungry so had no choice but to eat it. His mother didn't seem to be in a particularly good mood either, yet neither was he so the silence was welcomed for once. He put the empty bowl on the dash and his mother leant over and pulled a container out of her workbag and handed it to him. A banana, apple, a Pop tart and granola bar and she smiled a little. "Finish your breakfast."

"Is Dad picking me up?" Oliver was staring straight ahead and Kim sighed when she saw his lip curl a little. She knew he was only being polite for his sister's benefit.

"He is." Pulling the car into the kerb she ruffled his dirty blond hair and he did give her half a smile. "Have a good day. See you tonight."

"Be safe Mom." That was her son, despite giving off the appearance that he was all grown up now and didn't care, he always looked out for her, especially lately. Everyday when she went to work he always told his mother to be safe. He never said I love you, but she figured that 'be safe Mom' was Oliver's way of telling her that he loved her.

Kim gripped the steering wheel a little tighter as she watched Oliver wander up the path. He was never in a rush. He was never bothered by time or anything really as far as she could tell and she just wished she knew what was going on in his head right now. They did talk about a lot of things but he just refused to open up to her about what was going on at home. He just wanted to cruise through life. His hair was always a mess, his brown eyes always warm and he was always quick to smile, it was the only thing he was quick to do. And as he sauntered up the path into school, happily greeting anyone who called out to him she wondered where the past eight years had gone.

"Your turn Daisy." She looked at the little girl in the back seat in the rear view mirror. Her four-year-old daughter smiled and nodded her head, her dark hair bouncing around haphazardly. Putting her two children side by side you would never guess they were siblings. Their looks, personality and temperament were polar opposites and they were both too strong willed for their own good.

Oliver didn't like the way Daisy blamed their mother because her Dad wasn't around at the moment and whenever something didn't go her way she would turn around and declare that she would ask her Dad and at 'least he will give me what I want'. Kim knew she was lashing out at her out of fear and confusion and didn't blame her. It was just hard to manage and all Oliver wanted to do was protect his mother. "It's okay Ollie, she doesn't understand. Please be nice to her."

"Why don't you just tell her?"

"It's not easy for Daisy."

"I don't care." He would mutter but for his mother and his sister's sake he did as he was asked. "She shouldn't talk to you like that." He was a good kid at heart.

At least she was looking happy today. The past few weeks had been hard on all of them but particularly for Daisy. "School today?" Daisy was more of an emotional being, a bit more like her mother. She took things to heart and when she was told off for something it was like her whole world was ending and she always got upset when Kim cried so she tried to save that for when she was alone at night.

"Yep, school today and Nanna is picking you up at lunchtime, so you be good."

"And then Daddy?" You couldn't miss the excitement in her daughter's voice. She loved her Daddy.

"After work Daddy will pick you up."

"Is he staying tonight?"

"Probably not Baby." Kim still didn't know how to answer her to make her understand. They had tried to hide the fact that her Dad wasn't living with them at the moment and for a while it had worked. He was often 'working late' and when he did come over for dinner he would stay until she went to bed and then leave. It was easier that way, especially as they were still trying to work things out.

Daisy had cottoned on to them though when she came into Kim's room one night and crawled into bed with her mother. "Where's Daddy?" she had asked in the darkness. "I wish Daddy still lived here." It had broken Kim's heart. She was four and her Daddy had always been around so she didn't understand why he wasn't anymore and when you are four that's all that matters, she just wanted her Daddy to be around. The other stuff just wasn't an issue.

Oliver though, he understood it all and he was glad he was gone.


	2. Chapter 2 -Like Father Like Son

They had been in a downward spiral for months now and it had finally crashed and burned. It wasn't that she had any issues with people enjoying a drink after work, hell how many times had they all done that. When it turned into three, four then five drinks it started to become an issue and then when it wasn't just Friday and Saturday nights anymore; it was also Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday….

It all felt so familiar. It wasn't the first time she had dealt with someone she loved drinking too much. As she looked across the bullpen at the occupied desk she sighed heavily. For the past few months it had felt strange to look up and see the red hair of Jenny Watson. She was a great cop, who loved to mix it up, was young and full of hope and she was a hoot and definitely an asset to the team but she wasn't Erin.

She was doing her time back on Patrol and one day her best friend would be back where she belonged, back in Intelligence. The place wasn't the same without her, but then nothing ever stayed the same did it? Life was constantly moving and shifting beneath your feet and sometimes it was all you could do just to hang on.

Kevin bounded up the stairs and was surprised to see his partner already at her desk. Dropping his jacket over the back of his chair, he grabbed his mug and headed towards the break room, stopping behind her desk he rested his hand on her shoulder. "Hey Burgess, how's it goin'?"

"Good Kev. It's good." Kim had gotten good at pushing a smile onto her face and convincing people that she was on top of it all. Compartmentalisation was her thing, over the years she learnt to put all her feelings in a box, close the lid and leave it there. Sometimes it served her well, other times not so much. By doing that you never dealt with the feelings, but you could ignore them for the best part. The hard thing was you just never knew when someone was about to open the lid.

"And the kids?"

"Daisy seemed happy today. Ollie," she shrugged. "You know him. Nothing bugs him."

"Like father like son." He smiled a little but Kim just grimaced. That was the second time today that phrase had come up and again it unnerved her.

As expected the message from Ollie arrived just after lunch. ' _Hey Mom, I'm going to Grandpa's after school.'_ If it wasn't his Grandparents, it was a friend's place or occasionally he would catch up with Al. Al had always been a huge part of Oliver's life, right from the start and the last few months he had been rock solid for him when all the shit hit the fan. He was the consistent male influence that he needed and she couldn't thank him enough.

She fired off one quick message letting him know that he didn't need to worry about picking up Oliver and as expected she got nothing back. She tossed her phone on the desk just as their Sergeant came out of his office. "Where is everyone?" Antonio glanced around at the empty desks.

"Halstead is on his way, he got stuck in traffic after dropping Gracie off at Day-care. Kev's here getting a coffee." Kim shrugged. "Matty, I don't know."

Things were certainly different now. Antonio had eventually been lured back from his stint at the DA office and took over from Voight when he finally decided he'd seen and done enough, or at the very least the powers that be thought that they no longer had the energy to control him. Al retired a few years ago so the Unit had got a little smaller, but it was still considered the pinnacle by many. Erin would be back, but she had twelve months of Patrol to do before she was re-instated as a Detective and she was only half way through.

Her descent had been rapid. Jay had watched helplessly as his wife crashed back to earth with Postnatal Depression and the only way she could see out was to hit the bottle again. It had affected her work and eventually Kim stood beside Jay as they intervened and got her into rehab. Being away from her daughter was the wake up call that she desperately needed and despite hitting a few snags along the way things were back on track. However part of her suspension included not being allowed back into Intelligence for a year and that had been a real kick in the guts.

"You sure you are okay?" Kim rubbed her temples as she sat in an unmarked car with Kevin outside a warehouse. Halstead and his partner, Jonas were doing a re-con. Matt Jonas had fitted in well, he was up for a fight and had been eyeing off Intelligence for years. Antonio had met him while working at the DA Office and had bought him in when Al retired. While the Unit was different it was still tight and over the years the tough cases and times had bought them all closer together. That in itself had saved Kim on more than one occasion.

"I'm fine. Just tired." She rolled her head to the side and Atwater could see the weariness etched all over her face.

"You want the kids to come over on the weekend? Buster and Grady would love to see Daisy Boo and O-man." Kevin had twin boys, who were as wild as he was. Kevin liked to call them 'free spirited' but in all honesty they were just smaller versions of their father, they were tornados. They were a year younger than Daisy but the three of them were as thick as thieves and the boys were also besotted with Oliver, and while he would never admit it, he enjoyed mucking around with them too. "You can chill out and relax."

"Daisy's with her father on the weekend."

"You sure that's a good idea?"

"He's her father. I can't stop him seeing her. She adores him."

"And Ollie?"

Kim rolled her eyes. "He won't go, he's as stubborn as a mule."

Their relationship had always been a little off, more so lately. Kim had put a lot on his shoulders, begging him to play nice for his sister's benefit, particularly once the drinking started becoming more of an issue. She had tried to hide it from them both but Ollie was switched on so they settled on hiding it from Daisy and Kim loved her son for trying to protect his sister.

Oliver did his best but as time went on he withdrew more and more into his own room or took every opportunity not to be around and up until that day it had worked. He had stayed out of the cross hairs until that day the over inflated balloon popped.

Daisy was screaming when Kim got home. She flew up the stairs as soon as opened the door and heard all the yelling and banging. "Stop it." She could hear Daisy begging. "Stop fighting." It had become all too familiar lately and Daisy was hysterical.

Oliver was obviously locked in his room and Daisy was with her father, tugging on his leg as he banged on the door. "Get out here now."

"What's going on?" Kim demanded, scooping up her daughter.

"He's been a pain in the fucking ass." She could tell he had been drinking again.

"Why?"

"He came home late. I sat at that bloody school for half and hour waiting for him."

"I told you he was going to Joey's house after school." Kim tried to speak calmly, the situation needed to be de-escalated quickly and suddenly she was caught between being a mother and a cop. She asked Daisy to go back downstairs but she refused to let go of her mother. Eventually Kim got her to at least go to her room and find her favourite teddy.

"You did not. Otherwise I wouldn't have bothered to finish work early. It was a waste of bloody time, and as usual he doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself." He banged on the door with his fist. Kim laid a hand on his arm, trying to snap him out of his rage. They called it a 'red mist' when someone was so enraged and so in the moment that they could turn and snap at anyone and anything. He stared at his wife, his eyes lit up and then suddenly he turned on his heel and walked out, Kim jumped a little when she heard the front door slam.

"Ollie, sweetheart let me in."

"No."

"Ollie, baby please." Kim was horrified when her son opened the door. His right eye was red and swollen. "What happened to your face?" she grabbed his head and tilted it slightly into the light so she could get a better look at his face.

"Daddy hit him." She swung around to see Daisy standing just behind them, tears streaming down her face.

Oliver burst into tears. "He's not my Dad."


	3. Chapter 3 - Rip off the Band-Aid

**A/N: I was going to leave you hanging for a few more days but felt generous. Hope you enjoy it ;)**

Al did not even know how to start this conversation. Over his years as a cop he'd had plenty of difficult conversations, more than he could count but nothing came close to this. He also thought that these days were behind him. Retirement had so many benefits and he was enjoying stopping and smelling the roses after spending too many years smelling rotting corpses. One of those benefits was also no longer having to deliver messages that were designed to break hearts.

"Hey Hey Daisy Boo." He swung the little girl up in the air and onto his shoulders. The past few months had been rough on this little one. She didn't really understand what was going on with her parents. Eventually they couldn't hide the facts from her; that her Daddy wasn't living with them. She still saw him, and even that had been a big decision for Kim. He loved his daughter, she had always been the apple of his eye and that's when a lot of the problems started. He would do anything for Daisy and Oliver was the one that suffered. He loved his wife and knew that he had let them down but he wanted her to recognise that it wasn't all his fault and she wasn't making things easy for him either.

That day, the blow up with Oliver he thought that had been his rock bottom. It had been days before Kim had even spoken to him again. When she finally let him back in the house neither of the kids were there and they had an all out argument and she told him that she would never forgive him for abusing her son. Once was more than enough and as far as Kim was concerned their marriage was over. While it hadn't been an easy decision to make, it was the only option available to her. How many times had she heard someone say 'it was only once' or 'he's never done this before'?

Gradually though she had calmed down and realised that while Oliver didn't care that he didn't see him, it was hurting Daisy and they were both adult enough to work out a plan for her sake. He was staying with his parents for now and Kim felt a little better that they were around when he had Daisy. It still wasn't easy for Daisy and they had some rough times with her but Kim had no other choice to ride it out.

Al had been a steady influence for Oliver when he needed a strong guiding hand and probably played a big part in stopping Ollie slipping off the tracks. All the times that he had been let down he would spend time with Al and he had never let him down. Al knew that Ollie had a birthday party today and was having a sleepover so he called Kim and asked her to come and meet him in the park. "I haven't seen my girls in weeks and it's a beautiful day." Surprising himself with how calm the words sounded because he felt anything but.

Daisy was off the instant Al lifted her down off his shoulders. She tried to get Al to come with her and he promised he would as soon as he talked to her Mom for a minute.

"How are things at home?"

"As good as they can be. Daisy seems to have settled right down and Oliver is just being his usual self. Nothing seems to bother him too much."

"I wouldn't say that. He's worried about you." Kim knew that he was, he'd stuck close by her lately and that was some comfort. While she tried to hold it all together for their sake it was taking its toll, physically and emotionally. Al didn't like how tired she looked lately.

"I know, he's such a sweet boy."

Al turned his head away quickly, suddenly losing his courage and watched Daisy climb up the slide quick as a flash. She had all the get up and go of her mother and no fear, with the strongest will he had ever seen. That was all Kim, thankfully and her mother was going to need it. He'd seen her pick herself up plenty of times over the years he just hoped she had the strength to do it again.

"Something's on your mind Al. Has Oliver said something to you?" While he watched Daisy, Kim watched him. It was a look she hadn't seen for so many years and it worried her. The last time Al was like this he announced, out of the blue that he was retiring. He'd picked up too many pieces and blown apart too many families over the years and he was tired and he was done and he'd pulled the pin. He had that look about him again.

"There is and Kim I don't even know what to say or how to start. So I am just going to rip the band-aid off." Kim felt her heart beating a little faster. Life lately had been one hit after another and some days just getting out of bed was a struggle, she didn't know how much more she could take. She was considering a vacation; just her and the kids to get away from life for a while, perhaps that would help her re-set and start figuring out how to put her life back together again. Having done it before she was sure she could do it again she just needed to find the energy.

"What is it?"

"I got a phone call about a week ago." He turned to face her and reached out for both her hands, holding onto them tightly. He wanted to be able to hang on to her. "From Adam."

"What?" She did not even blink.

"It was from Adam. I've seen him."

"He's dead Al."

"Kim, Adam's alive." He held on tighter as she tried to pull her hands away.

"Adam Ruzek?" How foreign that name sounded on her tongue. It had been a long time since she needed to say it.

"Yes."

"No." She shook her head. "He died Al, I know he died. I buried him."


	4. Chapter 4 - Why didn't I feel him?

"Daisy. Come here sweetheart we need to go." Kim reefed her hands away from Al, finally regaining her ability to speak. When she stood up he reached out to steady her as he noticed her legs shook a little. Her lungs were burning as she tried unsuccessfully to get some air into her body. She couldn't breathe.

"Kim."

"Let me go Al. Please let me go." She swallowed hard and there was panic in her voice. "Let me go."

That day, it all came rushing back and as it hit her like a freight train as her legs buckled and Al caught her and lowered her back onto the bench.

Opening the door to Platt and Voight that day hadn't been the only shock she'd had recently. Her life was a rollercoaster of emotions and had been for months. She'd been engaged, called it off and had a stupid but thankfully short-lived fling with Roman. Eventually though things levelled out and she made the decision to take control of her career and fought her way up into Intelligence.

That had thrown her back into Ruzek's orbit though and they started to rediscover what had bought them together in the first place, their friendship. Things were good; they were good together even if it was just as friends and they decided that perhaps that was for the best, that maybe their moment had passed. Life was good and then everything started to fall apart.

Impulsiveness was always one of her weaknesses, which was precisely what got her into the situation with Adam in the first place. She had decided not to talk to him, she decided to try and guess what he was thinking and listen to everyone else's opinion on her relationship, which was by no means perfect but was it really as bad as what she thought it was? She had panicked and broke his heart because she convinced herself that he would eventually break hers. It was a pre-emptive strike and it was stupid.

It wasn't even close to being bad, they were happy right up until she started to let Roman get into her head but sadly she was too stubborn to ask for forgiveness or admit a mistake. Her biggest mistake was not talking to him.

It seemed she didn't learn how damaging her impulsive behaviour could be and that led to a wild night with Adam where they weren't exactly careful.

So a month later, Adam was undercover and it seemed to be turning into a bigger job than they first expected. He'd been loaned out to the FEDS and they played their cards close to their chest. They had barely talked about that night, although they did share a few more nights like it before he left. It was just a mutually beneficial arrangement where they were both getting what they needed, although even that wasn't entirely true, but neither of them was ready to admit that this was more than just sex with the ex. Once they knew that Adam was going away, and he could be gone for months it was better to just let sleeping dogs lie. Scratch the itch and leave the emotional scars to scab over.

So when Voight and Platt delivered the news that the FEDS had informed them that Adam had been killed while undercover it was as big a shock as the positive pregnancy test that was sitting on her bathroom cabinet.

Platt followed her as she ran from the room, hand over her mouth and emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She alternated between vomiting and sobbing and Platt had stood beside her that day and every day since. The pregnancy test was hard to miss and when she spotted it she rubbed her back and told her that they would work it out together.

She was pregnant with her ex-fiancé's child, alone and facing a life without the man, who despite her best attempts to stop, she loved like no other. She couldn't do this.

That night, and for every night for weeks she cried herself to sleep. Platt had been her confidant and crutch and then once she could no longer hide her pregnancy the entire Intelligence team had got her through those nine months and the next eight years.

Oliver James Burgess was a blessing. A perfect baby boy who appeared to be a carbon copy of his father and she doted on him, even to this day. He bought her comfort even though his very existence was an agonising reminder of what she had lost.

Eventually though she put Adam as far in her past as she could and moved on. Her husband had offered her some stability and comfort and she did love him so they got married and then Daisy arrived soon after. Oliver always knew that he wasn't his father, but he was the only father he had. Although as time moved on they talked about it less, he knew that his real father was a cop that had died before he was born, before he even knew he existed. Kim had showed him photos and he knew his grandparents and spent a lot of time with them but Adam had never been part of his life in any real or tangible way.

When things started going sideways Oliver had borne the brunt of it and Adam suddenly loomed up again. Oliver had yelled at him that he was not his father after a particularly nasty showdown, Daisy didn't understand and Kim tried to play peacemaker between the two men in her life. She was failing; she was good at her job but failing at life.

This, right now was unbelievable. This wasn't happening, it couldn't. She had dreamt of Adam coming back and a few nights after Oliver was born she had woken with a start and swore that Adam had been there holding his son but that was just a cruel dream, it was never going to happen and she had let go of that fantasy a long time ago.

"Kim." Al bought her back to the present. "I know this is a shock, I had no idea. I swear to god."

"How Al? I don't understand. We had a funeral, I said goodbye. I had his baby and I had no idea. Why didn't I know it, why didn't I feel it?" It had been a long time since he had heard so much pain in her voice. "Why didn't I feel him?"

"Why are you crying Mommy?" Neither of them had noticed that Daisy had joined them. Kim lifted her up into her lap and kissed her dark hair. If Oliver was the spitting image of his father, Daisy was thankfully more of a mix between Steve and Kim.

"It's okay Sweetheart. Mommy and Al were just talking." She had questions smashing around in her head but Daisy's appearance put a stop to all that. "We are going to go now." Daisy hugged Al tightly and he reached out and squeezed Kim's hand as they walked back towards the car. The poor woman looked like a deer caught in headlights, like she'd seen a ghost but then this was probably the very definition of a ghost.

Once Daisy was safely buckled in Kim slipped into drivers seat and grabbed her phone and sent Al a message. _'Does he know about Oliver?'_

 _'No.'_

' _I don't want him to know.'_


	5. Chapter 5 - What did we miss?

When Kim opened the door Al was ready to catch her when she dissolved into tears on the front step. He had messaged her an hour or so after she'd left the park to make sure she was okay and Kim agreed to let him come over once the Daisy was in bed.

He had never got back his relationship with his daughter Lexie, despite finding out that Michelle wasn't actually his biological daughter. He'd ruined his marriage and family for no good reason. Michelle had left Chicago not long after arriving, staying just long enough to destroy his life and he never heard from one year to the next. He was only sorry that he blew up his family on the word of her mother, who blew in and out then back out of his life in an instant but left a path of destruction behind her.

So Kim had become like a daughter to him. He had taken her under his wing when she came up to Intelligence, like he had with Ruzek. By the time Kim was promoted Ruzek and Atwater had paired off and were a strong team so Voight let them run with it.

When Adam was killed, supposedly Kim had relied on him more and more and when Oliver arrived he felt like he had the grandchild that he thought he never would. Lexie had three children now, Marshall, Bridget and Roxy but he rarely saw them and would get the odd email or card with some photos but that was it. Oliver, and then Daisy were his salvation. He would crawl over hot coals not only for them but also for their mother.

Kim pulled the door closed behind them and sat down heavily on the front step. The quiet and coolness of the night was oddly comforting.

"Stupid question coming, but how are you?" Al sat beside her, close enough so she could lean on his shoulder.

"Daisy thinks I've lost the plot tonight. I barely functioned. I'm not even sure what I gave her for dinner." Her chuckle was pained. "I don't understand."

"Neither did I."

"Tell me Al, what did we miss?" She was searching Al's face for the answers that had eluded her all afternoon. Except he didn't have any answers for her. A few weeks ago he was in the exact same state of disbelief as she was experiencing now.

"Nothing. We didn't miss anything."

"Except the fact that Adam isn't dead."

"Yes well except that." At least Al looked calm and Kim tried to draw some strength from that. She had felt anything but calm all afternoon.

Wringing her hands in her lap she asked. "How is he? Where is he?"

"He looks good, really good. A little older, but who doesn't. He's desperate to see you."

"Me?"

"He wants to apologise for hurting you. He wants to see his parents. He wants to be Adam Ruzek again."

"What does that even mean?" Kim jumped up from the step and paced back and forward in front of Al. Her arms were tightly wrapped around her waist. "Al, what the fuck? He left me here… alone. I raised his child… alone." It was then the anger exploded from her, Al had been waiting for it.

"He had no choice. That case, he was made and the guys threatened you, and his parents. He had no choice. He's been in witness protection for nine years, he's been in a living hell and it's taken its toll on him."

"Really?" Al could tell by the look on her face, even in the weak light thrown down by the porch light that Kim was struggling to believe any of this. "So that makes this okay? He could have tried, just let me know he was okay. I would have understood."

"Do you really believe that? You would have had to tell him about Oliver and that would have risked his life and yours and Oliver's. He had no choice."

"That's not fair. Walking away is what he's good at. That's all he's ever done."

"Now you're not being fair. He did it to protect you." Al jumped up from the step and fetched the file he had left in his car. Together with Voight they had gone over every inch of that file before Al would even consider telling her. Handing it to Kim he told her that she should read this. "It's the case notes Adam gave me." She clutched them to her chest as if she was trying to absorb them.

"Where is he?"

"He's in Detroit."

"Detroit?" So close, how could he be so close and she not even know. "All this time?"

"He's only been there a week or so, he's waiting there until he can come here. Until you know." He was watching her closely, those files held tightly in her arms like they contained the answers to the universe and in a way they did, at least to her universe as it stood right now. Her world was in chaos. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know Al. Perhaps it's not a good idea." She looked up at the sky, for once it was clear and she could see the stars, something that she loved to do but it was not giving her any comfort or answers.

"I honestly don't think you believe that."

"I don't know what to think. Al, this is all too much." Kim breathed out slowly. "He's been gone for so long and I put him in my past. He was just this painful memory that I only let out a couple of times a year. I locked him away, I had to, it hurt too much. I can't believe he's alive."

"What about Oliver?"

"What about him? He thinks his father is dead. How do I tell him that I lied to him for all his life?"

"You didn't lie to him Kim, you thought, we all thought he was dead."

"I can't hurt him Al, he's been through so much lately. I want to protect him. What if I tell him and Adam disappears again? What if he comes back and decides it's too hard? What if he has a family and doesn't want to know Oliver? What if it destroys his family like Michelle destroyed yours?" Al could see that she'd been thinking about it, hell he doubted she thought about anything else but he'd seen Adam, he'd spoken to him and he knew how alone in the world he was, there was no family except the one he didn't know he had. Adam wouldn't walk away not if he knew about Oliver but if he didn't know about him and if he thought Kim was happy with her life he would. Al wasn't going to let that happen.

"You need to tell Adam, he's got no-one Kim. He's alone. Of all the people in the world, right now he only has me." That had struck Al, how alone he was. For the second time in his life he had walked away from everything and everyone he'd known. That takes its toll on a man and Al saw it etched on his face and in his body language. He was close to breaking.

Why did Al have to tell her that? "How can I live with myself if I tell him and he doesn't want anything to do with Oliver? If I know his father was alive and still walked away it would break my heart. I couldn't look Oliver in the eye knowing that he was out there and didn't care."

"Can you look him in the eye and tell him that he's dead when he's not?"

Agony did not even come close to the look on Kim's face and for the second time that night Al caught her when she crumbled "No."

"So, what do we do?"

"Who else knows?"

"Voight, that's it."

"Can we keep it this way, just until I figure it out? I just need a couple of days." Of course Al would have told Voight. She was sure they'd chewed over this for hours. Voight had always carried the burden of this case; it was one that never left him. Every time he saw Oliver she could see it eating away at him. He was a father who had lost his only son, Oliver was a son who had never had known his real father. Those things stayed with you.

"A couple of days.' He nodded "Adam is desperate Kim. He wants to see you."

"Not yet, Al. I need some time."

"Do you at least want to talk to him? I can call him?" Al reached for his phone.

"No." she responded flatly.


	6. Chapter 6 - What was in Detroit?

"She knows." Adam had snatched at his phone as soon as he saw Al's name flash up. He knew that Al was going to tell her and he had barely been able to sit still all day. He been for a long run, been to the gym and tried to watch a movie, nothing could take his mind off it for long.

"Is she okay?" It was all he could think about. He'd known for a few weeks that he was getting out of the hell he had been in for the past nine years. For nine long years he had desperately tried to forget about her and had stumbled from one disastrous relationship to another, trying to find a way to forget whilst attempting to recapture the magic and feelings that he had with the one he was forced to leave behind. Not that they were all a disaster, far from it and it wouldn't be fair to the women he had shared a life with but he was never in one place long enough to let himself fall in too deep.

"Not really."

"Al, I never meant to hurt her. She's got to know that."

"Adam, you need to give her some time." He had pushed and pushed Al to tell her. He wanted to come back to Chicago but he wouldn't do that until Kim knew.

"I can't man."

"I know this is tough, but you've waited this long. Just a few more days."

"Al, I can't." He wasn't surprised to hear him start sobbing. Adam had barely been able to control himself when he first saw Al. He'd been to hell and back and was desperately trying to climb out of the abyss. "I can't."

"Adam. Come on, this is going to affect a lot of people. Let Kim get her head around it." Al hadn't told him much about Kim's life beyond the fact that she was married, although currently separated and that she had two children. He had been deliberately vague about that and he knew she was still working in Intelligence.

 _"Please tell me she didn't marry Roman?" he had groaned when Al told him that she was married. That was one thing that would make this nightmare worse. He expected her to get on with her life, but that would have been like squeezing his nuts in a vice._

 _"She didn't marry Roman. Her husband is not a cop."_

"I just want to see her and apologise. I need to talk to her and try and explain all this. This fucking mess that the FEDS got me into. I want to see my family, I want to see my Pops and Mom." He was starting to sound a little agitated. "I need to come home."

"Okay. I will see what I can do but you've got to take it slow."

"I'm trying."

This had been the biggest fucking nightmare. He had gone undercover with the FEDS thinking it would be good for his career but they had fucked up royally and he'd been made. That quickly spiralled into Witness Protection that became a necessity once his family and Kim were threatened. He had seen what these animals did to people who crossed them, and he had crossed them big time or someone had and he had to cop it in the neck. So reluctantly he had agreed to be killed off and sent out of the country initially to have a whole new life. The thing about witness protection though was the family you left behind had closure. They had a body to bury and grieve over. He had none of that, no closure, no chance to say goodbye and no opportunity to save one single memento from his past. All he had was a memory that he could never shake.

When he had finally got out from under the FEDS, when every single person they had fucked over regarding this case had died his first decision was to head back home. He chose Detroit, just until he got his bearings and contacted Al. They had asked him to take his time to consider it but nothing was going to change his mind and after nine years he had waited long enough to make things right.

"Olinsky." He was still in the habit of answering his phone like he had done for years. Short, sharp and to the point. Adam knew he had the right number when he heard that greeting.

"Bet you never thought you'd hear my voice again?" Al shook his head and looked at his phone trying to place the voice, which sounded familiar but was distorted by his obvious nerves and it was a number he didn't recognise.

'Who is this?"

"Al, it's me." He paused, the name still sounded unfamiliar on his tongue after years of being known as Paul Benson. "Adam, it's Adam Ruzek."

"Bullshit. Who is this?"

"O, it's me. I swear. The young guy you pulled out of the academy almost fourteen years ago."

"Ruzek's dead."

"He was, but he lives again."

"What the fuck?"

"Witness Protection. FEDS UC case that went sideways nine years ago. I am guessing you wept over my coffin, had a beer or two in my name, gave my desk away and forgot all about me." The laugh was forced. He knew Al was going to be sceptical but he had to convince him. If he couldn't convince him he had no idea how he was going to manage the rest. "I hope at least you and Voight gave the FEDS some shit over that?"

"Are you fucking with me?"

"No Al, I'm not." He answered the million questions that Al threw at him, about his life in Chicago, cases they'd worked on and without hesitation he had been able to confirm every single detail. He'd spent copious nights reliving his old life when he was alone and pining for his past. Obviously Al was testing him and who could blame him.

"Where are you?"

"In Detroit."

"I'll be there tomorrow."

Al had to see for himself. He called Voight first. "That FEDS case, the one that Ruzek went under on. Did anything seem off to you?"

"Apart from the fact they got one of my best UC's killed?" It had always stuck in Voight's gut how that ended. He'd tried to get answers and had got stonewalled at every turn. They'd burnt a lot of bridges trying to uncover the truth about what went wrong, who ratted Ruzek out but got nowhere. It took a long time for Voight to sign off on any UC work with them again.

"Yeah, that. Are we sure it's all above board?"

"Pfft, doubt it. They never are." Voight snorted. "Al, what's this about?"

"I just got a call about that case…." Al paused. It still seems so implausible but he had been around long enough to know that sometimes things weren't always black and white. "…I'm not sure everything happened the way we were told."

"What do you mean?"

"Listen, I am going to meet someone in Detroit tomorrow. I'll let you know."

Two days later he appeared on Voight's doorstep with a bottle a scotch. Voight rustled up some glasses and poured them both a drink. "Are you going to tell me what this is in aid of?" He held up the glass. "What was in Detroit?"

Al leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees and rolled the glass between his hands. "Adam Ruzek was in Detroit."

Voight breathed out slowly and sat back like all the stuffing had been knocked out of him. "Are you kidding me?"

"No, no I am not. I spent the day yesterday with Adam Ruzek." He swallowed the contents of his glass in one go and held it out so Voight could refill it. He'd be damn if they weren't going to finish that bottle tonight.

It had been surreal. He knocked on the door still expecting it to be some hoax yet before him stood Adam Ruzek, a little older but most definitely alive. "Hey O." They stood and looked at each other for a moment before Al held out his hand but instead of shaking it he pulled him in for a hug.

"Can I say, what the fuck?"

"Yep you can." Adam nodded his head. "You look good old man. Not a day older or wiser."

"Now I know it's you."

Al was exhausted; it was a long and emotional day. They had covered a lot of ground, Adam had asked him about everyone, they talked about old times and eventually they got around to the case. He handed Al his files, knowing full well that he would want to check it out. "I still don't know who let the cat out of the bag."

"We tried to look into it. Voight went all Voight on the FEDS but we got nothing. Until this day he still hates that case."

"So do I." Adam scratched his beard, it was the first time he'd let it grow in years and it felt uncomfortable. He's spent most of his time with a number one haircut and clean-shaven but now his hair was getting a little longer and he felt like he was starting to grow into his own self again, physically at least. "Can you tell Kim?"

"If you want me too."

"I don't think turning up and knocking on her door would be good. She might shoot me."

"Probably. You know she's done good."

"Is she happy?"

The look on Al's face told him everything he needed to know. "She's okay."

"But not happy?"

"Kim is having a rough time with her husband. I'm not really sure what's going on but she's hangin' tough." That piece of information had spun Adam out a little. He didn't want her to be unhappy but it changed everything, it would be easier to walk away if she was happy. Maybe.

Al now looked at Voight. "You always knew that something was up with that case."

"I did, didn't expect this though."

"Nope." He stared at the bottom of his glass holding it out for a refill. Tomorrow was going to hurt but it might be good to not be able to think about this mess for a while and the scotch would help. "And now I need to tell Kim."

Al and Voight had trawled through the notes, dragged out their own long buried files and made as many calls as they could. They were no closer to finding any answers and that was frustrating all the while Adam was hounding Al to tell Kim.

Now that he had he needed to work on getting Kim to see him again. She was coming around, not nearly quick enough for Adam though.


	7. Chapter 7 - I don't feel like Adam Ruzek

Kim sat at her desk and tried to read her emails but they all just blurred into one. It was hard to concentrate so she just gave up and jumped up to make herself a coffee instead, her fourth for the day, which was alarming because it was barely eight and no doubt that would come back to bite her later.

The buzz of the gate and footsteps on the stairs pulled her out of her daze, she had felt like she had been walking around with her head in a bucket for days. Antonio stopped by her desk and tapped lightly. "Can we talk?" he pointed to his office.

Antonio had been watching her and he didn't like what he had seen the past week. She was a bloody good cop and had been for a long time, she was less hot headed than the rest of them and that bought a good balance to the team. Things rarely threw her off but something had lately, big time. Even when Steve was at his worst Kim never let it affect her work and he wasn't the only one that noticed. Platt had commented about how off she seemed and she had started using the back entrance again. She closed the door behind her. "You okay Burgess?" Indicating that she could sit.

"Not really." She pressed her hands together tightly and squeezed them between her thighs. "You remember that case, that FEDS case." Of course he remembered, they all did. It was a black cloud that always hung over this place and they were reminded of it every time they walked through the front doors of the District where Adam's Memorial stone smacked them in the face. It had taken Kim a long time to walk through those doors; she had used the back entrance for months. The day they unveiled it still haunted them, Platt and Atwater both catching Kim as she crumpled.

That day, at Molly's where they all gathered for a drink in Adam's memory afterwards she told them that she was pregnant with Adam's child and every person in the bar cried with her.

"Al got a call about it a couple of weeks ago." She sucked in a deep breath but it did nothing to stop the shake in her voice. "On the weekend I went and met Adam."

"Adam who?" he dropped his pen on his desk as he gaped at her. "Ruzek?"

"Yes."

"Burgess, what are you talking about?"

"Sarge, Adam's alive. He's been in witness protection for the past nine years."

"Hang on." Antonio rubbed his hand across his forehead, for a brief moment he thought he'd heard incorrectly. "What do you mean?" Standing up suddenly and came and sat next to Kim, slipping an arm around her shoulders. "What? How?"

"It's complicated, but that case wasn't all above board. He was made, someone ratted him out and it was the only way out."

"We looked into in from every angle."

"I know. I have the file that Adam had, you can read it." She had read it a hundred times. The first time even the sight of his handwriting sent her spinning. Running her fingers over it as if she could feel him, why couldn't she feel him?

Atwater was surprised to see Kim in their boss's office and the conversation looked intense. "What's up in there?" he nodded at Halstead but he was just as in the dark as anyone. Antonio had come to him yesterday and asked him if Burgess was okay. He knew that she wasn't but every time he asked she blew him off, he figured it had something to do with Steve but even when that was at it's worse she wasn't like this.

Antonio benched her for the day and in all honesty at any other time she would have protested but not today. They called Platt up and Antonio stood next to Kim as she nervously addressed her work colleagues. Just because she kept saying it didn't make it seem any more real. "Al called me a couple of weeks ago about an old case, about _that_ case." She didn't need to elaborate, the look on her face as well as Antonio's let them know exactly what case she was talking about. "He'd taken a call from someone in Detroit. On Saturday I went and saw Adam Ruzek."

"Hold up?" Halstead looked confused as Kim sent a photo to their whiteboard from her phone, they had definitely moved with the times. It was a photo of Adam taken on the weekend; they had taken it like a hostage photo with proof of the date. While they laughed about it at the time it was a little awkward that they both agreed that if they didn't people wouldn't believe it. He was older but most definitely Adam Ruzek.

"I don't understand?" Kevin's voice was barely above a whisper as he stared at a photo of his best buddy who they had buried years ago. What did she mean he wasn't dead?

"Hard to believe." She nodded and pointed to the photo. She had spent a lot of hours staring at this photo over the past week. "I saw him on the weekend. Adam is well and truly alive and kicking."

"What the actual fuck Kim?" Atwater narrowed his eyes and stared at the screen, surely this was some sick and twisted joke. Why would she be doing this? It did not make any sense.

"Believe me Kevin, I had exactly the same reaction and I still can barely get my head around it. I thought Al had gone stark raving mad." She tried to laugh but it came out as some weird half moan. "As you can imagine it's been fairly intense the past two weeks."

"Where is he?" Halstead was slowly organising his thoughts. Platt wasn't fairing so well, she hadn't moved an inch or said a word, which was un-Platt like. Very little rendered her speechless.

"In Detroit. He wants to come back to Chicago."

"He's been in Detroit all this time?"

"No, he was living on the East coast and travelled around for a bit, lived in Canada and France for a couple of years." She rambled nervously. "Anyway, he was released from Witness Protection just over a month ago. Everyone related to that case had died so the FEDS let him choose whether to come out or stay in. He wanted to come back home."

Through Al they had arranged to meet halfway between Detroit and Chicago. Adam wanted to jump on his bike and ride straight to Chicago as soon as Al told him that Kim wanted to see him. "Hold on Kid. Kim has agreed only if she comes to you." Al offered to come with Kim but it was something she needed to do herself. Daisy and Oliver were with her sister for the weekend so she nervously drove the 175miles to Battle Creek.

Adam had arrived early and sat in the café for an hour waiting, he didn't want to miss her. What if she got there early and then left? What if he broke down on the way? What if she didn't come? His gut churned and he checked his phone a million times to make sure he didn't get a message to say she wasn't coming. He folded and refolded the napkin in front of him and tried to imagine what she looked like now and what he was going to say. Their only contact up to this point was through Al; she had refused to let him give him her number. This had to be on her terms and he got that.

This was hard enough, trying to piece his life back together and while he knew that she had moved on and got married he also knew that things weren't going well for her on that front. Al hadn't told him much but he had admitted that she was separated. Not that it mattered one way or the other, that wasn't what this was about. He needed to see her and apologise for all the pain this had caused. He needed her to forgive him and then if he had to walk away he would.

Kim paused at the door, peering through the grimy window trying to get a glimpse of him. Even now she still had this nagging pit in her stomach that it wasn't really true. Somehow this was a joke, and this imposter had conned even Al into believing that he was Adam Ruzek. The place was almost deserted but she caught sight of the back of his head and she knew in an instant and her heart almost stopped. How many times had she caressed that neck, held onto it while he kissed her or ran her fingers through that hair? Those types of things never left you. She tried to shake those memories loose, now was not the time to be taking that trip down memory lane.

The hair stood up on the back of his neck as he heard the bell ring as the door opened. He resisted the urge to swing around as the footsteps approached. "Adam."

He closed his eyes momentarily and let that single word filter through him. The sound of her voice was like honey; everything had been ripped away from him in an instant so to hear that again was overwhelming. Suddenly he propelled himself up out of his seat and came face to face with his past. "Oh God Kim, I'm so sorry." For the briefest moment neither of them moved and then she fell into his arms and his barely pieced together heart broke into smaller shards as she sobbed his name.

"I can't believe it's you." She ran her hands over his arms and leant back to look at him. "Adam."

"I know. I never thought this would happen, I never thought I would see you again. I wasn't even sure you were going to come. I kept checking my phone." He pulled out a chair for her and slipped back into his seat. Now that the initial shock had worn off she folded her hands in her lap and tried to breathe.

"I had to see for myself."

"Here I am, in the flesh." He smiled, a little uncomfortably and held out his hands.

"I thought you were dead. I buried you, I cried night after night for you."

"I hated every minute of the past nine years. I hated the thought of what I did to you. I hated everyone, the FEDS who screwed me over," Kim heard the anger and bitterness in his voice "the bastards who threatened my family and the people I loved." He lowered his eyes a little as he spoke those last few words. He wanted to tell her that he had walked away because of her, to protect her but he didn't.

Kim reached across the table and rested her hand on his cheek. Dragging her thumb across his rough stubble. He had deliberately kept it that way, knowing that he was seeing her again and how much she liked it. Well at least she used too. Now he had no idea. "You are real."

He placed his hand over hers. "I am." He pulled his hand away suddenly and she knew why. He had felt her wedding and engagement rings and dropping her hand back down into her lap she covered it with her other hand and averted her eyes. "I never expected you to not move on. I was gone."

"It's complicated." Kim had no idea why she was even still wearing them. Perhaps they were a safety net, coming to see Adam again she could run and hide behind those rings if she needed to.

"Al told me you were married. I am not here to cause trouble for you."

"I know. It's just a bit of a mess right now." She looked uncomfortable and it was obvious that she didn't want to talk about that so he changed the subject.

"You have kids right?" Kim just wished he hadn't chosen this one.

"I do. I have two. Oliver and Daisy." Over and over in her mind for that past week and on the entire drive up here she tried to figure out what to do about this. It was too early to introduce the fact that Oliver was his son. She had no idea if he would want to be a part of his life. "What about you?"

He shook his head, almost sadly. "Nope. It was strange I guess, I never felt like I could bring a child into the world under false pretences. I wasn't a real person, I never felt comfortable with who I was. How could I pretend to be this whole other person with a whole other family when deep down I was always Adam Ruzek? So I decided never to settle, I spent a year here and a year there."

"You still deserved to be happy."

"I had relationships and I was happy enough, I wasn't always alone I just didn't settle down. A year was my limit. Then, you know things needed to start getting serious, questions about my past started to get asked and I pulled the pin. I wasn't Adam Ruzek anymore so I didn't have the same propensity to propose." His eyes suddenly looked a little lighter when Kim laughed a little.

They talked about Atwater and Adam couldn't believe that he'd finally settled down and had kids. "Buster and Grady? Really?" He cocked one eyebrow at her and smiled crookedly. All the familiar facial expressions were heartbreaking and comforting at the same time. It really was him.

"Well Buster's name is actually Adam, but we have always called him Buster." Kim had always thought it was really sweet that Kevin and Joelle had named their first son after Adam. They had asked her if she minded and also asked her to be his godmother. When Oliver was born she had contemplated naming him Adam but the thought of saying his name everyday was too much too soon but by the time Atwater's twins came around the intense grief had well and truly passed.

She told him about Erin's struggles and their little girl, Grace. "Erin never did cope well with stress."

"No, she was a godsend to me in the beginning and it was hard to see her go through all that particularly after what she did for me." Kim quickly looked away and Adam got the distinct impression that she had stopped herself. "So she will be back in Intelligence in about six months. She is getting to enjoy the wrath of Platt for a change and I can tell you Platt hasn't mellowed with age."

They ordered some lunch and Kim let Adam tell her about some of the places he'd been and things he'd done. He was now working in construction and while he did miss being a cop the scars from that UC assignment were far to deep for him ever to go back. It was surprisingly comfortable, surreal but while they kept the conversation away from anything too deep it wasn't awkward.

"I want to come back to Chicago." Not that he needed her permission but he wanted to know she wouldn't hate it. He did think about just turning up but he wasn't ready for that. This wasn't easy on anyone, especially him. It was like trying to fit into your High School prom suit; you desperately wanted it to fit but no matter what you did to convince yourself it never felt quite right.

"It's your home. Have you spoken to you Dad or Mom?"

"No. Not yet. I don't know how." It wasn't easy. How do you just pick up the phone and say 'hi Mom' I'm back? It was hard enough to summon the courage to call Al.

"Adam, they need to know."

"Do you still see them?" That was such a loaded question. Of course she still saw them, they were a big part of their grandchild's life. They adored him, it was the only piece of their son they had left and from the day she told them about the baby they had buried their hatchets and agreed that that little sliver of light was all that mattered.

"I do. Surprisingly they actually get along okay now."

"Really?"

Kim bit her tongue. Perhaps she had said too much but then suddenly she could see an escape route, just enough to give her some breathing room. She hadn't thought about what would happen when Adam contacted his parents. Surely they would tell him about Oliver and she needed to be the one to do that. "Do you want me to tell them? Al and I could break it to them. I think you turning up on the doorstep would give them a heart attack."

"Is that asking too much?"

"No, Adam it's not."

"I don't know when I will be ready." He looked down at his hands. "I don't feel like Adam Ruzek yet."


	8. Chapter 8 - She Slapped Me

"Let me know you made it home." Adam had walked her to her car. They had spent a few hours reliving the good times and filling in some gaps. He had grabbed her hand as she went to get in her car and a bolt of electricity shot through her. Why did he still have this effect on her?

'I will." She leant on him for a moment and when he tucked her head under his chin it felt so right. "It's good to see you again."

"It's good to be seen by you." He squeezed her hand and closed the door once she was safely inside. "Be safe." Kim felt a million different emotions cascading through her. Adam could feel himself losing all control, he wanted to pull her out of the car and back into his arms so instead he touched the window and turned away. As soon as he did Kim dissolved into a flood of tears.

Al was waiting for her when she got back and as he opened his door she collapsed in his arms. "Oh Sweetheart, Are you okay?"

"Al, No. I can't believe it's him. I don't know what to do? I don't know what to think."

"Just give it time. Let's not rush into anything. What did he say?"

"He apologised, over and over for all this. He's angry with the FEDS; he's missing his family. He wants to come home and I can't stop him."

"Why would you?"

'Because of Oliver."

"You didn't tell him?"

"No, how could I? Oh Hi Adam, sorry you've been in witness protection for nine years and by the way you have an eight year old son who thinks his Dad is dead. Do you want to be his Dad?" Kim held onto Al to steady herself. "I know I have to tell him, I want him to know but not yet."

"Okay, okay." He led her over to the couch. "So what now?"

"I told Adam that we would tell his parents."

So they found themselves sitting in front of Adam's parents two days later. It hadn't been hard to get them to agree to come over. Kim didn't tell them that Al was going to be there but she did tell them that this was about Oliver. Through the last few months, when things had gone sideways both Bob and Janet had been more than willing to do whatever they needed to do for not only their Grandson, but also for Kim and Daisy. Daisy may not have been their grandchild but they adored her just as much as she loved them.

Al held onto Kim's hand. Janet had expressed some concern about Kim's appearance, everyone had lately. She had lost weight, not that she had much to lose in the first place and looked pale and exhausted, the emotional toll wasn't just restricted to Adam. "Is Oliver okay?" Janet blurted out, the thought of her Grandson being in trouble had just about sent her over the edge. "Is he sick? What's happened?"

"No, Oliver is fine." Al answered for Kim, who had suddenly lost the ability to speak.

"Okay, this is seriously freaking me out. Kim, what's going on?" Bob Ruzek had never been a man to pussy foot around a conversation.

"Last weekend I drove up to Battle Creek." She felt Al squeeze her hand, trying to give her strength. "I saw Adam."

"What?" Bob actually reached for his ex-wife's hand. "What?"

"Adam is alive."

Janet leapt from the couch. "Why would you do this? Why? How could you?" She reached over and slapped Kim across the face, stunning everyone with its ferocity before fleeing the house. Kim touched her cheek, the warm sting of the slap radiating through her face, at least it made her feel something.

Leaving Al to talk to Bob she caught up with Janet as she fumbled with her keys trying to get into her car. "Janet, come back inside." Tentatively Kim reached out and grabbed her arm. "Come inside."

"Kim, how could you? Why are you doing this?" The pain in Janet's voice shocked even Kim. She had taken Adam's death hard and still eight years later her grief was her constant companion. She had lost her only child and that wasn't supposed to happen, a parent should not have to bury their child. Now someone was telling her that the grief she was feeling was a lie.

"Janet. Believe me I know how much of a shock this it to you. It has been for me too."

"He's dead." Those words were spoken harshly. Kim took the keys from her hand as she slid down the side of the car.

Kim crouched down, still holding her hands. "Janet he's not. I know you thought he was, we all did. He's not, I've seen him, I've held his hand and we cried together. Come inside."

By the time she got her back inside Al had filled Bob in on the story, as they knew it. He was pacing around the room and listened again as they explained it to Adam's mother. Nothing was making any sense and they had questions that even now nobody had the answers to.

"Adam wants to come home. He will be here in a couple of days." Al reassured them. "He's just getting his bearings. He wanted you to know first before he came home."

"How is Oliver taking this?" Bob finally asked the question that Kim was avoiding.

She looked at her hands, tightly clasped in her lap. Besides the fact that she had thought of Adam constantly she had also thought about Oliver and what this meant for him. She had talked to Al about it, over and over and she felt like they were going around in circles. "Ollie doesn't know. Not yet."

"And Adam is okay with that?"

"I haven't told him." Kim knew that this was not going to go down well. "I know this is a lot to take in and I just want a little more time to find the best way to do this. Can we please keep this to ourselves for a bit? I will tell them both, but I need time. Oliver has been through so much lately."

"No Kim, No." Janet was adamant and Bob had to agree with her.

"Janet. It's just for a couple of weeks. I want Adam to know but as soon as I tell him he will want to see Ollie, you know he will and I need to make sure Ollie can cope with that." Kim was now convinced, having seen him and spoken with him again that Adam wouldn't walk away from them. He may not feel like he was Adam Ruzek but Kim could see him and feel him. This was the Adam she knew and loyalty and a big heart filled with love was always at the centre of everything he did. "All his life he has been told that his father is dead. Imagine dropping this on him while he is still dealing with the fact that Steve and I have separated." She had told no one about Ollie's black eye. It was easy enough, although it killed her to lie to try and protect her husband but everyone had just accepted that it was a baseball injury. In a family full of cops, his goose was cooked if people knew the truth.

Ollie had begged her not to say anything. He was worried that it would make things worse for his mother and he didn't want that. He told her that he hated their life at the moment and hated coming home if he knew he was going to be there and Kim was desperate to give him some stability and suddenly telling him that the father he thought was dead was alive wouldn't give him that.

"I don't know Kim." Bob was shaking his head.

Al didn't necessarily agree with Kim but he knew she only had Oliver's best interests at heart. "Adam is pretty overwhelmed by everything. He thought he would never get to come back. We need to let him get his feet under him and come back to Chicago. A couple of weeks, that's all Kim is asking for."

Reluctantly they agreed to keep that fact he had a son from him but not for long. If they felt that Kim was dragging it out and not being fair to Adam they wouldn't keep quiet. "I really want him to know his son but he needs to come back here first and overcome that hurdle, then we will tell them both." Kim explained that Adam did know that she had two children, but that Oliver was a bit younger. It wasn't ideal but it was all she could think of at the time.

"Do you have any photos?" Janet asked although she wasn't really sure if she was ready to see them. Kim pulled out her phone and showed them both the few that she had taken and Janet crumpled. "My beautiful boy." She sobbed as she held Kim's phone in her hands. "My Beautiful Son."

Erin took the stairs two at a time. Jay had sent her a message telling her to come up as soon as she got in. Platt had caught her before she could sneak past. "Lindsay, what are you doing?"

"Jay asked me to come up." She pointed to the stairs to Intelligence. She missed that place.

"Did he tell you why?"

"No."

"It's not what you think." Platt always sensed that Lindsay was just waiting to be thrown a bone and taken back upstairs. She was a little entitled that way and had Voight still be in charge she probably would have already been back upstairs. Things were different now and both her and Antonio were determined that she was doing her time on Patrol. Special treatment was the old world order.

"Any hints?"

"Oh no." She had nothing, no sarcastic comment to throw out. Her Patrol officers had no idea what had shaken up their Sarge but they were just enjoying the fact she wasn't busting their balls today. It was a rare day indeed at the 21st when Sergeant Platt chose to be nice.

The Bullpen was strangely quiet despite everyone being there. Jay leapt up from his desk and met her halfway. "You need to talk to Burgess." He pointed at the Break room.

"Why? What's happened? Is it Ollie or Daisy?" Erin felt something deep in her gut. Those feelings of panic every time she thought about those kids lately. They had been through so much; Daisy had spent time with them recently when things were rough at home. Daisy and Gracie got on like a house on fire and it was always good to hear them laughing together. Oliver was a little quieter, more subdued and when Erin had talked to Kim about him she had been vague, always telling her that he was doing okay, just a little worried about things at home.

"Just talk to her."

She opened the door quietly, Kim had her eyes closed but she could see that she had been crying. "Kim, honey." Slipping into the seat beside her she grabbed her hands.

"Hey Erin." She slowly opened her eyes. "Did they tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"That Adam is alive."

"Kim…"

"Erin, Adam is alive. I've seen him, I've talked to him, I've cried in his arms."

"Oh my God. What?"

"That's been a pretty standard reaction, except for his mother. She slapped me." Kim felt for her cheek and smiled sadly. Kim explained, for what she felt like was the hundredth time the past few weeks and Al's bombshell. It still felt like some fairy-tale. People did not come back from the dead, except her ex fiancé and the father of her child had done exactly that. "Oliver doesn't know yet."

"Does Adam know about him?"

"No. Not yet." Kim told Erin, like she had to the rest of the team that Adam didn't know either and why she was asking everyone to do this for her and for Oliver. Kim was no longer sure if she was doing this all for Oliver or because she was just too scared to let him back in. Was she ready to let Adam back into her life?

"Adam's not the same, he's trying to be but he's been someone else for nine years. I couldn't drop this on him. He needs to come back to Chicago and get his head around things, see his parents. I will tell him, and Ollie."

Erin was the only one who understood and didn't question her. Perhaps being a mother herself she could sense Kim's devastation and the protectiveness of Oliver. Blurting it out would be the easy part, dealing with the fallout should it not go well was harder.

Kim and Adam had spoken a couple of times. More about planning his return than anything and he was terrified. His world had been violently shaken up on more than one occasion he wasn't sure he was ready to do it all again.

Kim was equally terrified; she was terrified about what this was about to do to her life and her family. She was terrified of what that feeling she got, like she'd been struck by lightening when he held her hand meant. She was terrified about still loving a man who had been a ghost for so long.


	9. Chapter 9 - I buried him for so long

**A/N: Just because I am a little annoyed with the latest Ruzek spoiler…I thought you might need cheering up too so here is the next chapter…..hope you enjoy it.**

Al jumped up when he heard the knock on the door; he had been watching them. This train was in motion again, whether they knew it or not. It had been derailed a long time ago but it was back on the tracks.

Kim had called Bob and Janet and let them know that Adam was at his place and wanted to see them. Bob had picked his ex-wife up on the way and they had barely spoken in the car but they couldn't have come alone; they needed each other's support. They had barely 48 hours to get their head around this. Adam had insisted that they only be told once he was ready to come back. He didn't want to draw it out for days or weeks on end. This had to be quick, before his courage faltered.

Adam still found it hard to believe that his parents actually got along. He thought that with him gone that it would have broken that last tenuous link between them and he asked Kim why. "I think they just needed to support each other, only they knew what it was like to lose their son, to lose you"

That still didn't make sense as to why nine years later they were still friends. He could understand in those early days but surely they would have drifted apart by now? What did they have between them anymore now that they didn't have a son? They had nothing.

When he arrived back last night he had called Kim but she couldn't come over because of her kids although she promised that first thing this morning she would be there. When she arrived he wrapped his arms around her and they stood like that for the longest moment. His world had doubled in size; he now had two people to hang on too. Kim let him and she never wanted to let him go, in case he slipped away again.

They were sitting outside on Al's back porch sharing a coffee when Kim leant over and tapped his knee. He wasn't saying much but he was enjoying the calm before the storm and being with Kim. "You're parents are here." He nodded, took a deep breath and stood up.

There were a lot of tears, a lot of hugging and a lot of questions.

Kim left them alone and sat inside with Al. "How are you doing?" Al thought she looked tired but there seemed to be a little bit of life creeping back into her. Adam had a strange hold on her and years apart obviously hadn't diminished that.

"A bit overwhelmed."

"It's good that he's back though." They both looked through the window at Adam with his parents. His mother was almost sitting on top of him, clutching his hand tightly. How long was he going to be able to handle it was yet to be seen. Adam had never been overly affectionate with his mother and he knew that it was going to have to deal with her wanting to hang onto him when he came back and he was trying not to let his discomfort show. Kim could see it though. Janet was too happy to notice.

"It is." Kim tipped the rest of her coffee down the sink. "I've gotta go. I need to pick up Ollie."

"How is he?" Al watched her pause for just a moment.

"Al, I can't tell them. Not yet."

"You can't keep it a secret forever, someone it going to let it slip. They need to know."

"Look at him Al. Do you think he's ready for that?" She pointed out the window. They both knew Adam was struggling to cope with revisiting his old life and that coming back here was his only choice but that didn't mean it was easy.

"You know, it might help him."

"It might, I just need to make sure it's good for Ollie too." Kim stared hard at Al. She wasn't about to back down on this, she had to protect her son and Al knew she had every right to do so. "You know as soon as I tell him he will be banging down my door to see Ollie. I need to make sure that Ollie is ready for that. He has only just started coming out of his shell again. I am worried it's going to be too much for him." Al just nodded; she was as stubborn as a mule when it came to her children. Like all mothers should be.

"Hey." She came back out onto the deck and rested her hand on Adam's shoulder. "I need to take off."

"Really? Are you coming back?"

"Not today. I need to pick up the kids." She felt Janet and Bob's eyes on her. Adam was almost pleading with her to stay, at least that's what she saw in his eyes or wanted to see.

He squeezed her hand lightly. "Okay. Tomorrow?"

"Yep. Everyone is keen to see you." They had drinks at Molly's organised. Kim and Al had both tried to convince him to slow it down a little, to take his time but he wanted it over and done with. He didn't want to have to keep reliving it every time he saw someone again. He desperately needed to put this in his past and move on.

"Can I call you later?" Kim nodded. She hugged Janet, kissed Adam quickly on the cheek and Bob walked her out.

Bob looked disheartened, seeing his son again made him unimaginably happy but seeing him crawling with his demons was heartbreaking. "He's not doing that great is he?"

They leant on the car for a few minutes, Bob had that same tortured look that Adam often had when he was worried about things. Having you son come back from the dead was dream come true, seeing him struggling was a nightmare. He had his suspicions that it was going to be a rough ride and he had tired to tell his mother that, to temper her excitement but there was no holding her back. "Bob, he will. It's just been a big couple of weeks. Today is huge too, he was nervous about today but he is really happy to see you again. Give him some time."

"I can see why you don't want him to know about Ollie yet but you have to tell him soon." He held open the door of her car while she got in.

"You know I am not doing it because I don't want them to know, I am trying to do what I think is best for Oliver and for Adam."

"I know." Sliding his hand through the open window he squeezed her hand. "You know we love you Kim and thank you for everything, thank you for helping him come home."

"I'm glad he's here." She was a little teary. "Go and be with your son Bob, go love him."

It was late when he called. "How was the rest of your day?"

"It took a while to get my parents to leave." He was laughing but Kim could tell that it was forced. "It was like a six hour long therapy session."

"Tough."

"You will be there tomorrow yes?" Without a doubt he knew that he would never be able to walk through those doors without knowing she was going to be on the other side. If Al and Kim hadn't been there for him he was not sure he could have made it this far.

"Of course. I wouldn't miss it."

Gradually Kim could hear him relax a little. She could tell when he was pacing around the room or sitting down. Once he sat, he relaxed and his voice lost its tension. "Why do I feel like I am a monkey in the zoo?"

"Well people did actually like you."

"They liked the old Adam Ruzek." An unconfident Adam was a surprise. He never lacked confidence in himself or in any environment. Social situations were his forte, once upon a time.

"You are still him, Adam. We've all changed."

"I know, but I am not sure I remember that person. I buried him for so long."

"You know, I can still see him."

Kevin was fidgeting. "Relax Kev." Kim chuckled, although she had to admit she was nervous too. She had organised to met everyone a little earlier just to remind them about Oliver and also explain to them that Adam wasn't handling things too well and he had spent six hours with his parents yesterday so was feeling a bit unsteady.

Stepping back through those doors was a step back in time. It was confronting and comforting all at once. Al was beside him and had briefly rested his hand on his shoulder. "You can do this." He took a deep breath and stepped back into his old life. "I'm back." He sounded a lot more confident than he felt as he fell back in with the very people who had made up his past. The past he never wanted to let go of.

He caught Kim's eye over the crowd of people around him, lining up to hug him and welcome him back. She looked happy; she looked beautiful.

"Did I see Kev shed a tear?" He leant in and whispered to Kim when everything settled down. The welcome home hugs subsided and they tried to fall into their old groove again. Beers were on the house, for the first few rounds at least thanks to Herrmann and Adam wasn't allowed to put his hand in his pocket at all.

Through the afternoon if ever he needed a safe place, Kim was it. "Yes, I do believe you bought him to tears. Happy now?"

"I guess some things are worth coming back for." He nudged her lightly. Erin watched them from across the table. There was a lot of love buried deep beneath years of heartache and loss. She had tried to broach the subject with Kim about what this meant for her but she refused to even discuss it, insisting that it was only about Oliver.

Kim eventually had to go. Daisy was being dropped off by her father shortly and Oliver would be home after dinner. He had gone out fishing with a friend for the day, which he loved. Kim had zero interest in fishing and was happy to leave that up to someone else to organise. It was perfect timing though today, Adam really wanted her to be there and she couldn't keep fobbing Oliver off when she went to see him. He offered to walk her out to her car, to spend another few minutes with her and to take a break from the nostalgia trip. "Thanks for today and for yesterday too. For everything."

"I'm glad I could help. Enjoy the afternoon. They are so happy to see you again." He squeezed her hand as she got into her car and turned and Kim watched him walk back towards the bar. He rested one hand on the door and Kim could see him steady himself for just a moment before straightening up and heading back inside.

He was trying desperately to shed the skin of another man, a skin that he'd worn somewhat uncomfortably for nine years. It wasn't easy.

Kim basically sat on the couch and waited for his call. The sound of his voice again was addictive. "Are you okay?"

"Hmmm, I little drunk I think."

"But okay?"

"I am. It was good to see them all again. Even with all the hugging and crying."

"You don't look that comfortable with the hugging?" Kim hadn't been the only one to notice how reluctant he was to get close to anyone. Erin had commented on it.

"It's been a long time. I kinda avoided it, was it that obvious?"

"It is to me and Erin, but that's probably a girl thing."

"Sorry."

"Adam, don't be sorry. It's okay to take your time."

"How are your kids?" He didn't want to talk about himself anymore, that's all he'd done for the past two days. Her heart did start beating a little quicker when he asked about her kids but she had spoken to Erin since she'd been home and Erin had promised her that nobody talked about Oliver.

"They are good."

"They were with their Dad today yeah?" If only he knew how much she did not want him to ask that question.

"Daisy was, Oliver spent the day with a friend."

"I am guessing he's not all that happy about your long dead ex turning up?"

"I haven't told him." Kim closed her eyes and leant back against the cushions. While her decision to keep Oliver from Adam at this stage was a hard decision to make, the decision to keep it from her husband was easy. At this point in time they were barely speaking. Since the last time that she told him that he wasn't moving back home things had been tense. They communicated regarding Daisy and organising when he needed to pick her up or look after her and his parents would help out with Oliver.

"Why not?"

"It's none of his business. We are not really talking that much at the moment." Once Steve knew that Adam was back she couldn't trust him not to tell his parents, Daisy or god forbid Oliver and he was the last person she wanted everyone to find out from.

"I never wanted you to be unhappy. I left because I wanted you to have a chance to live a good happy life." Fortunately he seemed to drop the questions about her kids and move on, not that talking about her failed marriage was particularly pleasant either.

"I know. I was happy for a long time, it's just these last couple of years haven't been easy." He couldn't see her but could hear the sense of loss in her voice. Kim was tracing the pattern on the cushion in her lap with her finger trying to stop her hand from shaking. Her life was a mess and Adam coming back made it messier but she was so unimaginably happy have him in her life again.

"What happened?'

Kim still had her eyes closed. "Do you mind if I don't talk about it?"

"I shouldn't have asked, it's none of my business. I think I am just trying to put all the pieces together."

"Plenty of time for that."

"Maybe not. You know one day everything was just gone. I'd lost everything, my whole life." Every time Adam cried so did Kim. "I keep losing you."


	10. Chapter 10 - That Man at Al's Place

Kim hated that she was late home. With all the goings on in her life right now all she wanted to do at the end of the day was get home and be with her kids. They were the only things that made sense and if she was with them she could protect them, keep them safe while everything else was so unstable. Daisy was already asleep and she had crept into her room and sat with her for a while recovering from yet another pointless discussion downstairs. Daisy obviously felt things keenly and Kim was worried about how this was all affecting her but watching her sleep always helped calm her.

Steve had been waiting for her in the kitchen when she got home having picked up Daisy from his mother's after work. "Long day Huh?"

He was trying to break down her walls again but lately they seemed to get higher. Regret was not an emotion that was familiar to him. You made mistakes in life but you learnt from them and moved on but he did have one regret and that he should never have hit Oliver.

"Yep. How's Daisy?"

"Good." He drummed his fingers on the cup of coffee he was holding. "She wants to know when I am coming home?"

"I'll talk to her again." Kim poured herself a coffee despite the fact she would have preferred a wine but that was hardly appropriate or fair.

"Or I could come home?" He watched as her shoulders sagged a little as she leant on the bench. "You know I love you Kim and Daisy." She bit her tongue and waited. "And Oliver too." Her son was an afterthought to him. It wasn't always this way but things changed once Daisy was born. Oliver had been concerned that he would get shoved aside with the new baby, like any child did. Kim worked hard to make sure he didn't feel that way; Steve hadn't been so great at it and the older Oliver got the worse he became.

"We've talked about this."

"No, you've talked." She jumped as he banged his fist on the table. "What about Daisy? Don't you care how this is affecting her?"

"Of course I care. I also care about Oliver."

"He's sulking in his room again." He waved his hand angrily in the direction of the stairs. "He won't even talk to me."

"You hit him." She could never forgive him for that, no matter what else was happening at the moment. That was the deal breaker. He had given her son a black eye. She knew he regretted it, she knew that it was the alcohol and he had never done anything like that before, but he had hit her son and that she could never forgive because for every person who turned abusive there was always a first time, and a desperate apology followed by a second time then a third. She wasn't about to let that happen to her son. "What do you expect?"

Steve had agreed to go to AA; he hadn't touched a drop since and vowed he never would again if it meant getting his family back but Kim was adamant that it was over. The longer this went on the more she dug her heels in. Initially she would let him come over for dinner and stay with them until Daisy was asleep hoping that she wouldn't notice that he was no longer living at home but lately she had stopped that. Daisy knew he wasn't around so she saw no need in continuing the charade.

"And I apologised. What more can I do?"

"It's not that easy."

Realising that anger was not going to get him anywhere he softened his tone. "It could be if you would let it."

"No, no it isn't. I know you never loved Oliver as much as you love Daisy but I never thought you would hurt him." Kim almost choked on the words. This was all getting too much, she was overwhelmed lately and could barely keep her head above water. "I can't put him at risk, I can't ignore how he feels, I won't. He's my son."

"You never wanted me to be his father." That was unexpected. "You never wanted me to adopt him." That was true and they had argued about it and that was when things probably really started falling apart. Unless Ollie agreed Kim was hesitant to go through with it. Ollie seemed okay knowing that he had two fathers. Adam's family always made him feel wanted and Kim never wanted him to lose his link to Adam and she was worried about taking that away from him and what it would do to Adam's parents. It would have devastated them and she couldn't do it.

"You were the only father he ever knew. He looked up to you and you destroyed that. Day by day you broke him down. You stopped going to his games, his school assemblies, you stopped caring about him. Did you think he didn't notice?"

"Fine, whatever Kim." He pushed his chair back angrily; the rough sound of wood scraping on wood sent a shiver up her spine. "I will pick up Daisy from school Friday for the weekend."

While sitting with Daisy Kim let her mind wander. She started thinking about what Steve had said. Did she really care about how this was affecting Daisy? Of course she did. She would have done exactly the same thing if it had been Daisy that he had hurt. Obviously Daisy was upset and would lash out at Kim sometimes but she had made sure that she still saw Steve, spent time with her parents and when they were together she lavished her with attention and the three of them would hang out and have some fun. They were coping, it was for the best and despite missing her father she was happier at home without all the tension. Kim knew that and she had to not let Steve put doubts in her mind, she had enough concerns right now. Like her son and the sudden reappearance of his real father.

Kim knocked on Oliver's door and when he didn't answer so she went in anyway. "Hey Bud, How was your day?"

Oliver just glared at her and continued playing his computer game. "Fine."

"I am sorry I am late."

"Okay."

"What's up Ollie?" Kim grabbed the game controller from his hand and held it up out of his reach as he tried to get it back.

"I went and saw Al today."

Kim felt all the air leave her lungs and she sat down heavily on the edge of his bed. "Oh."

It wasn't unusual for Oliver to jump on his bike and ride over to see Al. He hadn't seen him much lately, he always seemed busy for some reason and his mother suddenly stopped encouraging him to visit. He had sent his mother a message to let her know that he was going to a friends place after school but had gone to see Al instead. He felt that he was being kept away from him and he wanted to know why. He needed Al more than ever right now. As long as he was home by six and had his phone on him at all times his mother would be okay.

Al was surprised to see him. "Does your mother know you are here?"

"No. She's working. Daisy is with him so I thought I would come and see you."

"Hey O." Adam stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the young boy standing in Al's kitchen and muttered an apology. Something about the boy rattled him. It was the messy dark blond hair, the brown eyes and long eyelashes and the slightly crooked grin looking back at him, it was like looking in a mirror. "Hey, I'm Adam. I used to work with Al."

"Hi." The boy stuttered, his eyes wide with something that could only be called shock.

"This is Oliver." Al rested both hands on the boy's shoulders, trying to steady him. Al knew that Kim still hadn't told Oliver that his father was alive and back in Chicago. He also knew that Kim hadn't told Adam that he was a Father. He didn't agree with it and he warned her again yesterday to do it soon. Al and Adam's parents had told her that the clock was ticking and today, time had just run out.

They had never kept Adam a secret from Oliver. He knew about his father, he knew his name was Adam Ruzek and they had all worked together. And then there was the fact that he looked exactly like him. That was not lost on Al when he saw the look on Adam's face. He knew, at that precise moment that Adam had figured it out as well.

"Nice to meet you Oliver." Adam extended his hand and Oliver shook it before turning and looking at Al for some kind of reassurance. Kim had told him her son was six and her daughter was four, this boy, Oliver was Kim's son. This boy wasn't six.

Adam had seen the panicked look on Oliver's face and beat a hasty exit. His head was spinning. He had a million questions, he had rage and anger and a painful ache in his gut.

What the actual fuck?

When he returned to Al's place Oliver had gone home. Oliver had lashed out at Al before he left, accusing him of lying to him. He was scared and confused and felt betrayed by everyone. Al rang both Adam and Kim and neither of them were answering. This was exactly what he dreaded, that they would find out and not the way they should. Kim should have been the one to tell them both.

"Tell me about my son." Adam put his keys and phone on the table and grabbed a beer from the fridge. Al watched him; his movements were slow and deliberate. Surprisingly he didn't look angry and that was a little unexpected.

"You need to talk to Kim."

"Al, just tell me." The pained look on his face made Al feel like shit. He hated keeping this secret from him. He'd been through enough.

"Please talk to Kim."

"I've been talking to her for weeks. I've talked to her everyday since the weekend, I've sat here with her and she said nothing." Suddenly and unexpectedly his chest heaved. He deserved to learn this from Kim. This was not how he needed to find out. "Why would she keep this from me? I had a right to know."

"Kim wants you to know, both of you but you can't blame her for holding back. Three weeks ago she did not even know you were alive. You've been gone for nine years." Al placed a steadying hand on his arm he didn't want him spinning off in god knows what direction and saying or doing something he'd regret.

"I know, don't you think I fucking know that?" he pressed his fingers to his temples while he may have been talking quietly Al could sense a shit load of anger was bubbling away beneath the surface. Why did everyone think this was easy for him? Why did they think that he could just pick up where he left off, like the last nine years never happened? It was a daily struggle to wrap his head around everything that had gone on lately. "I lived every single fucking day of those nine years too."

"She's got to do what she thinks is best for both her children. I know that's what you would want her to do, what she has done for eight years. She's protected him."

He may have calmed down now but he had exploded all over his Dad's place. As soon as Bob opened the door he could see Adam's rage. "Did you know? How come no one thought to tell me that I had a son?"

"Adam, calm down."

"I will not fucking calm down. I just walked into Al's house and he's standing in the kitchen." He was waving his arms and pacing around the room. "Oliver is Kim's son. He's my son?"

"Adam, don't be angry at Kim. She doesn't need it. It's been tough for her, all of this. You coming back, her marriage falling apart and she is just trying to do what's best for Oliver. She always has."

"Do you see him?"

"From the moment he was born." He grabbed Adam by the arm and led him down the hall and showed him Oliver's room. "When Kim told us she was pregnant she always wanted us to know our grandchild. He's here all the time; we go to his games, his concerts and all his assemblies. We have spent every Christmas with him and all his birthdays. He's a Ruzek. We couldn't have made it without Oliver and Kim."

"I guess that explains why you and Mom actually get along now. For Oliver?" The knot in his chest was not easing off. He had a son. He had a son with Kim, the woman he wanted to spend his life with. Was this why he could never let her go? Was there something buried deep within him that even he couldn't feel that told him not to let go?

"Yes, we'd lost you and suddenly we had this baby. Kim needed us and that was more important than some decades long feud we had going on." He did like the thought of that, that somehow this had bought his family together. It was strangely comforting at a time when he was spinning out of control.

"Why didn't she tell me?" He sat on the edge of Oliver's bed. His anger was subsiding as the shock started to kick in. "Does she think I won't care?"

"Not at all, she knows that you will want to meet him and be part of his life. She's knows that you won't step back so Kim wanted to make sure you were both ready. It's a huge deal for Oliver. He has always known about you, but he thinks you are dead. He's just a kid Adam. This is a big change for him."

"Well I think he knows now."

Kim didn't even blink; she just stared at her son. Now she wished she had taken the time to listen to the messages on her phone. It wasn't until she'd finished work that she had even had the chance to look at it and saw all her missed calls. There were a few from Al and Steve and one from Adam. It was strange to see his name pop up on her phone again, she still wasn't used to that. There was a time when her phone was constantly lit up with his messages and then they had nothing for a long while. Slowly it started again when she was back up in Intelligence and they had their strange thing going on.

She had even dialled that number several times when she was in the throes of grief just to listen to his voice again and then one day the number was disconnected and she had thrown her own phone against the wall in despair.

"Mom," Oliver pulled her focus back. His eyes were questioning and full of fear and confusion. "Was that my Dad? That man at Al's place, Adam? Is he my Dad?"

"Oh Oliver. Yes he is." Her hands were shaking uncontrollably. She knew it was risky to hold off on telling either of them but she honestly had no idea how to even broach the subject and she was terrified of their reactions. What if Oliver hated her? What if Adam did? "I'm sorry Sweetheart. I should have told you."

"You said he was dead." He was confused. All along his mother had told him that his father had died in a car accident before he was born but now all of a sudden here he was. As soon as he had said his name was Adam and that he worked with Al he knew who he was, he just couldn't figure it all out. All these years they had talked about his Dad, told stories about him and told him how much he looked like his Dad. When he saw him he just knew. He looked to Al but he said nothing.

"He was." Kim pulled her son into her lap. "I thought he was. We all did."

"Did he not want me? Jed at school says that his Dad left because he didn't want him."

"No sweetheart, No. He would have loved you. He would have been so happy to know about you. We've talked about this and nothing I ever told you was a lie." Kim was hoping that she wasn't lying to him now, that Adam wouldn't turn his back on his son. "I was told he had died, we had a funeral and I missed him so much. I had no idea, I swear Oliver. I would never have done that to you." Tears were streaming down Kim's face and Oliver reached up and wiped them away. He hated seeing his mother cry.

"So he doesn't hate me?"

"God Oliver, No. A few weeks ago Al told me that Adam was alive. He'd been unable to contact anyone for nine years because of what happened at that job he went away on. It's called Witness Protection and they basically take away your whole life and identity and you live as someone completely new. It was for his own safety and the safety of his family."

"You and me?"

"Yes, I guess for our safety." Although she didn't know that for sure. She wasn't even sure that he cared about her at all, at least at the time the way he left without a word made her think that. "The people who were looking for him would have come looking for me, and Pops and Grandma. He didn't want us to get hurt but he had no idea I was pregnant. He didn't know about you, I swear. I only found out that I was pregnant with you just before they told me he had died."

Oliver seemed to be processing what she was telling him but then he looked at his mother and looked so utterly distraught. It was a crushing blow for Kim, to see her son's pain and devastation. She had tried to protect him and had obviously failed and as a mother that was heartbreaking. He was her precious boy, he had saved her and Kim had let him down.

"Why doesn't anyone want to be my Dad?"

 **A/N: Just a little Christmas Cliff-hanger for you** **J** **. I know some of you were desperate to have Adam meet Oliver, and now they have, sort of. Hope it didn't disappoint, there was no way I was going to make it easy though, where is the fun in that. Have a cool Yule everyone & see you in the New Year!**


	11. Chapter 11 - You Need To Be All In

_**A/N: Happy New Year, let's get this show on the road again. Enjoy :)**_

Kim sat with Ollie until he went to sleep. Actually she didn't want to leave because outside these walls she would have to face reality. The reality that the very thing she was trying to avoid had happened. Both Oliver and Adam knew about each other and she had not been there for either of them, particularly her eight-year-old son. Creeping out of his room she grabbed a quick shower, poured herself a wine and finally picked up her phone and listened to the messages. Al was short but to the point. _"Oliver was here, he met Adam. They both know. You need to talk to them both."_

Steve was angry _,_ par for the course lately as far as Oliver and her husband were concerned. _'He's not here but I guess you know that.'_

She held her breath and listened to Adam's message. _'Were you ever going to tell me?'_

He didn't sound angry or sad, his tone of voice was almost emotionless and that didn't fill her with confidence. Calling his number it went straight to voice mail. _'Adam. Please call me back. I want to explain everything to you. I'm sorry. I owe you an explanation. Please call me back?'_

It was well after midnight when Kim finally stopped looking at her phone, waiting for him to call. She had called him several times but he had his phone switched off. He never called and sleep didn't come easily and she would have guessed that she had about an hour if she was lucky. How could she do this to her son? She was trying to protect him but ended up hurting him even more. How could she do this to his father?

Adam had gone to see his mother. Janet was surprised to see him, Adam hadn't really reached out to her in the last few days. She talked to him daily but so far he hadn't been to see her, he wasn't ready for the close physical stuff his mother craved and he could tell she just wanted to claw away at his mind, get him to talk and open up to her. He wasn't there yet, he was not sure he ever would be. Now he was here he didn't look happy and Janet was starting to worry that he was going to disappear again. Bob had expressed his concerns about how Adam was coping and that he looked flighty.

"Al had a visitor today." He took the cup of coffee that Janet offered. "Apparently it was my son."

"Oliver?"

"Yes, Oliver. My son."

"Adam, we wanted you to know but Kim said no."

He held up his hand to stop her. He didn't want to hear his mother's opinion; he didn't want his mother to throw Kim under the bus. "I know why she did it, she had every right to protect him and do what she thought was best. Don't start on Kim." He was calmer now but he'd certainly been angry at her earlier and it wouldn't take much to be back on that ledge again. Both his father and Al had talked to him about it until he had calmed down.

"I wasn't. Adam, he's beautiful, he's a beautiful boy." She pulled a photo out of the drawer, where she had stashed it when she stupidly agreed to keep this from Adam. Handing him the framed photo she watched her son stare at it, clutching it in his shaking hands.

Running his finger over the photo he whispered. "I wish I'd known."

"We wanted you to know the minute you got back. As soon as Kim and Al told us that you were alive I wanted you to know about Oliver."

"No I wish I'd known about him before I left. I would have stayed. I loved Kim, I always did. That's why I left because I loved her. More than I loved anything, more than life." Adam used his sleeve to wipe away the tears that splashed onto the glass. "I had to agree to being killed off to protect her."

Daisy was full of beans as usual at breakfast, which was a blessing because that meant she didn't need to talk and Oliver was barely paying any attention to anything she said anyway. "Ollie." Daisy called his name. "Are you coming to my dance?" She had a ballet concert in a couple of weeks but it was all she talked about. Kim often found her practising in her room and while it was very cute Kim had to admit that Daisy wasn't exactly overflowing with talent when it came to Ballet but she loved it.

"Sure." He shrugged. It was the last thing he wanted to do, it meant he would have to see her father. He couldn't call him his father anymore because he wasn't. Apparently he had a father who had come back from god knows where and he wasn't supposed to know about it. He was some big secret. "I guess _he's_ coming?" Of course he'd be there, he never missed anything of hers.

"Oliver." Kim whispered quietly. "Please don't."

"Who's coming? Daddy?"

"Maybe."

"Is he coming home?" she asked hopefully.

"Yeah, _is_ he?" Oliver glared at his mother.

"We've talked about this Daisy." She completely ignored Oliver's snark. "Daddy doesn't live with us anymore, but he still loves you and you will get to see him on Friday, he's picking you up from school. Remember you are spending the weekend with Daddy at Nan's house?"

"And what about me?" He was taking his frustration and anger out on her by being passive aggressive and she wasn't biting.

"Oliver, stop it please. We will talk about this later." She threw his lunch into his school bag.

Kim tried to ask him if he was okay and he just fobbed her off. She offered to let him stay home from school but he really just wanted to not think about it just yet. He was confused and scared and he wanted things to be like they were before yesterday. For the first time in weeks he did not tell her to be safe when he jumped out of the car and that hurt. Kim dropped him off and then Daisy and headed home having called in to book off for the day. She needed to talk to Adam but so far he had been un-contactable. He hadn't returned any of her calls or messages and even Al told her that he wasn't home when she called him.

Adam wasn't home because he was waiting for her. He was sitting on her front porch, legs stretched out in from of him as his back rested on the porch post. As her car pulled up he rolled his head to the side but didn't get up even as she approached. "Were you ever going to tell me?" he repeated the message he had left on her phone. He still sounded flat and emotionless and that scared the crap out of Kim.

Anger was something that Adam rarely displayed. At work he could get angry with a suspect but it wasn't often that he showed that kind of emotion in his personal life. Kim had only seen it a few times. Once when Roman was hounding him about the laptop and he lost it at them both. They had broken up; well to be precise she had broken up with him and then shut him out completely. He was angry that day. In the cold hard light of day, long after Roman left and Adam confronted her about it and she finally saw how much pain she had caused him and how unfair she had been. Not that he was totally blameless, but she had to take the lion share of it for how they ended. He told her, that day in the locker room that he knew they had ended rough and he was right, they had ended rough and that was all on her.

Then the night that led to Oliver's conception there was a lot of anger that night. Generally though he just let things slide, he chewed things over in his mind and ate it.

"Of course I was."

"When did you find out?" She could only imagine all the questions he would have and to be fair to him she was going to let him ask them. He'd asked Al and his parent's a thousand questions and now he needed to hear it from her.

"I found out the day before they told me you had been in an accident. I am not even sure why I took the test to be honest. Maybe it was out of hope but I honestly didn't think I was pregnant." Kim sat down on the step, dropping her bag at her feet. "You'd been gone about two weeks. I was six weeks pregnant, I just felt a little off, not massively so and I missed my period which as you know was unusual" When they were together Adam bemoaned the fact that she was as regular as clockwork especially if that week coincided with a less hectic time at work. "But work had been stressful, I hadn't been eating or sleeping well and I was worried about you. We knew nothing about that case and you'd left without a word."

Kim closed her eyes for just a moment and when she opened them Adam was staring at her. "That first night, we weren't exactly careful and well that was Oliver."

That night was insane. They had been crazy at work, now that Kim was in Intelligence they crossed paths more than he wanted to and eventually he couldn't help himself and told her exactly what he thought of her screwing around with Roman. They'd both had a few too many drinks and he knew that he'd hurt her with his accusations, not that any of them had been unfounded but Kevin had chewed him out for the way he spoke to Kim that night. He went to her place to apologise and that decision changed both their lives forever. They'd argued, he'd told her how much she'd hurt him, she accused him of not being committed to her and then he kissed her and within minutes they were naked and falling into bed. It was wild, uninhibited and painfully satisfying. He'd also got her pregnant.

It wasn't the only time they'd had sex over the next couple of weeks but it was the only time they hadn't used any protection.

"I never would have left on that job if I'd known." And that was the god honest truth. He left because it was good for his career and because he couldn't stand what was happening between them. She may have been able to handle the friends with benefits thing they had going on but he hated it. He had to get her out from under his skin. Didn't work out that way though because he never shook her off. If he'd known she was pregnant that would have changed everything, he would have stayed and fought for her. He should have fought for her.

"I know Adam."

"Al says he's a good kid."

"He is, he's so much like you, not only in looks. He has your personality; he is kind and loving and always wants to make people happy. He was such a blessing and he's going to love that." She pointed to his bike parked out front. "He keeps telling me he's going to get one when he's older. I think he does it to freak me out."

"It's in his blood. That's good." He still sounded so flat and emotionless but he was anything but. He was like a duck, on the surface it looked like he was gliding along but under the water his legs were going at a million miles an hour. "Does he know? I got the feeling that he knew who I was."

"Adam, he has always known about you. I never hid you from him and I always wanted him to know about his father, your parents are a big part of his life, the Intelligence Unit are. I couldn't have kept the truth from him even if I wanted too. We talked about you a lot." Kim pulled her phone out of her bag and found a recent photo of Oliver and showed Adam. He jut stared at it; it was surreal seeing his son looking back at him; his own flesh and blood and for someone who had no emotional link to anyone for nine years it was stressful. He felt like he was suffocating under the weight of all this sudden chaos. He was trying to think and talk and feel all at once and he couldn't breathe.

"Except now, suddenly it's this big secret." There was a hint of bitterness in his voice now. He was hurting.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. I didn't want you to find out this way and I was trying to figure it all out but I wanted you to know. Everything is a mess." She had pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. "I didn't want anyone to get hurt, particularly Oliver. I didn't know how to tell him about you and I was scared of you finding out and still walking away from him. He's had such a rough time lately."

"Why?"

"With my marriage falling apart."

"I'm sorry. I hope that this is not because of me?"

"It wasn't, it had fallen apart before you came back. It's just made it harder to deal with everything and throwing this at Oliver's feet with everything else seemed so unfair to him, but it was unfair to keep this from you."

"Did Oliver tell you that we met?"

"He did, he flat out asked me if you were his father. He's a smart kid Adam."

"You sure he's mine then?" For the first time since he'd been there a small smiled tugged at the corner of his mouth. He had called into the District and Atwater had told him that Kim had booked out for the day and he begged him for her address. He insisted that he just wanted to talk to her, that he knew about Oliver and needed to see her face to face.

"You ain't goin' all apeshit at her are you? I won't stand it."

"No Kev, I'm not angry with her, I just want to talk. I want to know about my son." So he had given him her address and promised that if he found out any different he would kick him into next year.

"Oh he is." Kim smiled a little and briefly touched his arm. "He's all you. Wait here." She jumped up and disappeared inside the house, returning a few minutes later she handed Adam a piece of paper. He unfolded it and his hands shook as he looked at his son's birth certificate. 'Oliver James Ruzek Burgess' was his son. It was overwhelming to see his name registered as his father. Kim could see his lip quiver and she wanted to reach out to him but squeezed her hands between her knees instead.

"Is he okay?"

"He's confused. He thought that I'd been lying to him and that perhaps you left because you didn't want him." Kim couldn't help notice the flash of pain that flitted over his face. "He is worried that no-one wants to be his Dad?"

"What about your husband?"

Kim chewed on her bottom lip and Adam watched her for a moment. He used to love it when she did that; she looked so vulnerable and beautiful. "Steve and Oliver have butted heads for a while and they've kind of given up on each other."

"Why?" That was painful to hear. It had surprised him already how he felt. He hadn't really met this kid yet and he already felt connected to him.

"Oliver has always known about you and your parents are such a huge part of his life."

"I know; Dad showed me his room and I talked to Mom."

"Steve wanted to adopt Oliver after Daisy was born and I said no. Oliver didn't want it and neither did I. I didn't want to rip him away from your parents; he was all they had left of you. Steve didn't take it well and kinda.." she wrung her hands tightly in her lap and Adam could see her anguish. "..he just gave up. He made life difficult for Oliver and Oliver switched off. That's why I didn't want to tell you yet, I wanted to protect him and make sure you both were ready for this. I don't want him to get hurt."

He swung his legs around and leant forward; resting both hands on her cheeks he ran his thumbs along her cheekbones. "I won't walk away from our son. I know this is quick, I know everything is so up in the air and I am still a mess but I want to be his Dad, that's one thing I am sure of. It's the only thing that makes sense to me right now." He was so close to her, he could see the tears in her eyes and he got some insight into the pain and anguish this was all causing her. He hated that.

"You need to be all in, or you walk away now."

"I'm not going anywhere. He's my son. I want to meet him, I want to love him."

"Adam." Her warm breath tickled his cheek and he felt himself falling. He had to stop but he didn't want too. It ached; his whole body ached for her. It had ached for her for nine long years. He was lying to himself if he thought he was going to be able to come back, apologise and then walk away. That was before he found a reason to stay. She was back under his skin again and he was in agony.


	12. Chapter 12 - If You Let Him

_**A/N: Suddenly feeling a little generous today...**_

"I talked to Adam today."

"About me?" Oliver had been quiet all evening. He had played in the backyard with Daisy, which made his sister happy as he just let her do what she wanted. Kim knew he was stewing over things, and why wouldn't he be? He had always been a bit of an over thinker, that he got from her. Thankfully he didn't get her impulsiveness though. He just thought about things, stewed over them and then buried them.

"Yes about you." Kim had asked him to come sit with her once Daisy was asleep. She slipped an arm around his shoulder and kissed the top of his head as she pulled him in closer. Sometimes he fought it, being cuddled by his mother but his whole world had been turned upside down and he was scared. His mother's arms felt safe. "I know this is all confusing for you and scary but Ollie please don't think you can't ask me anything, anything at all. I want to know how you feel about all this. What do you want to know?"

"Is he really my Dad?"

"He is."

"Was he happy?"

"Yes he is. He is confused like you and he is sad that he missed out on your whole life. Adam never would have left on that job if he'd known about you. He wants to get to know you. Yes Ollie, he is happy." Kim didn't want Oliver to have any doubts about that. "He's really happy."

"What do I call him?"

"How about we start with Adam, hey?" He snuggled tighter into his mother's arms. "There is no rush. Take as much time as you want. We do this at your pace, okay?"

"Is he angry at you? Like Dad is angry at you and me?" It saddened Kim that Oliver was concerned about all the anger that surrounded them. She wanted to keep this from him, all the tension and anger between her and her husband but Oliver's questions obviously meant that she had failed.

"No, he's not. He's upset at the people who took him away from us for so long but he is not angry at you or me." He had seen enough of people's anger lately so Kim chose her words carefully. Adam was angry at the whole situation she knew that, not that he talked about it much yet but especially now the stakes had been raised way higher. Ollie didn't need to see that.

He was silent for a while, mulling it over in his mind. It was all he had thought about all day, even getting in trouble from the teacher for not paying attention. Luckily she had cut him some slack though because his teacher knew the last few months had been rough at home and promised not to tell his mother this time. "Do you think he would like to come to my game on Saturday?"

"Do you want me to ask him? I can ask him if that's what you really want, but remember Ollie there is no rush. He's not going anywhere." Kim wasn't sure that it needed to happen quite this quickly, although Adam was. As she suspected he was jumping in with both feet, before he left he told Kim he wanted to meet him properly and soon, he didn't want to wait and so it seemed either did Oliver. She also needed to sit down with her husband and break the news to him. That was a conversation she was not looking forward to.

He nodded his head. "Can you?" Kim promised to call him later. Ollie would have liked her to call him right away but Kim was worried that she would have to talk him into it. What if he said No and Ollie heard it? She couldn't do that to her son although she was fairly certain Adam wouldn't take any convincing at all.

Ollie looked at her expectantly first thing the next morning. "What did he say?"

"He said he is looking forward to seeing you on Saturday." For the first time in weeks she saw a smile on her son's face. This was all happening way faster than she hoped and all she could do was pray that everything went the way that he wanted it to. She had to have faith in Adam.

Adam had been ecstatic; she could hear it in his voice when she called him. Kim had barely got her question out before Adam answered. "Yes." He did not even hesitate. He had a job interview lined up but he would cancel. There was no way he was bailing on his son. If he wanted to have any sort of a relationship with him he needed to take every single opportunity that came his way. He'd missed enough already.

"What did who say?" Daisy piped up as she wandered in and caught the end of the conversation. "Daddy?"

"No Darling, just a friend of Mommy and Uncle Al's" she ruffled her daughter's hair as she leant on her legs like she did most mornings until she woke up properly.

The conversation with her husband did not go quite so smoothly. He had been surprised when she sent him a message asking to meet and talk over lunch. There was always the hope that she was going to change her mind although that had certainly started to wane over the past couple of weeks and she was pushing him further and further away.

"Is Daisy ready for the weekend?"

"She is, I packed her bag and left it with her at school. What have you got planned?" Kim was determined to keep things civil between them for Daisy's sake. Ollie would pull further away from him than he already had knowing that he didn't have to pretend anymore. He had already asked if he still had to call him 'Dad'. Kim had no idea how to answer that. It was far too early to be having these conversations. She had told Ollie just to do what he felt was right and reminded him that Daisy didn't know about Adam yet. They decided to leave things how they were for now.

"The zoo tomorrow, she keeps nagging me about it."

"She does love those animals."

Kim could see his hand creeping closer to hers and she pulled it away and grabbed her coffee cup with both hands. "Why don't you come?"

"I've got Ollie's game tomorrow morning." Kim nervously took a mouthful of coffee, which was a little too hot and she spluttered a little. "Speaking of Ollie."

"What now?" He didn't want to talk about her son again. That had been done to death.

"A couple of weeks ago I found out that his father was alive. He's back in Chicago."

"So that's what this is about?" The look he gave her made her shift a little uncomfortably in her seat. She had chosen a public place to have this conversation hoping to keep it under control. Their arguments at home had the tendency to get a little out of control. Not that he had ever been violent or aggressive towards her but some pretty nasty words could be thrown around. Being in public would hopefully negate that.

"What?"

"You're stubbornness about this separation. Are you fucking him?"

Kim wasn't at all surprised by his accusation and that was disappointing. It was sad that her husband thought that she was capable of that; he'd always had a small jealous streak. It had reared its ugly head when she had to go undercover with Jay as her husband a few months ago and it wasn't helpful. "Well thank you for your faith in me. I can tell you one thing for nothing, fucking anyone, as you so eloquently put it is the last thing on my mind right now."

"So the sperm donor lives and now let me guess, he wants to suddenly be a father. I didn't think you were quite so gullible."

"Gullible?"

"You really think he is suddenly back from the dead? Seems a little suss to me."

"Think what you want, I am telling you the truth. I had no idea he was still alive."

"Doesn't surprise me that you are running back to him, he was always some untouchable god like figure."

"How dare you? How dare you?" Kim screwed up her napkin and threw it on her plate and hissed. "You have no idea how hard this has been for me. I thought he was dead, for nine years I thought Oliver's father was dead and the out of the blue I find out he's not."

"Does Oliver know?"

"Yes he does, he dropped into see Al a couple of days ago and he met him. I had to tell him, he's a smart kid. He figured it out." Kim laid her hands flat on the table. "I didn't want either of them to find out like that. Adam had no idea either until then."

"You didn't think to call me, don't you think I had a right to an opinion?"

"I told you it wasn't supposed to happen yet. And I am telling you now."

"Yes, you are telling me. Not asking me what I think, not asking my opinion but you probably don't care what I think, you never did concerning Oliver." God he needed a drink. If she was going to continue down this path, what the hell was he trying to stay on the straight and narrow for? "I don't want him anywhere near my daughter."

"This has nothing to do with Daisy." Kim countered instantly. "She does not know anything."

"This is all some fucking joke right? Suddenly I am supposed to believe that your ex is back from the dead and it has nothing to do with the fact that you want to end our marriage."

"You ended our marriage when you abused Oliver."

"Once, and I apologised. How many times do I have to say it? Huh? I raised him, I fed him and clothed him and I treated him like he was my own, but that was never good enough for him or you. Where was he?" He slammed his fist into the table. "God damn it Kim." Now they had the attention of the whole café, she felt every set on eyes on them and she looked around nervously.

Kim lowered her voice, trying to take the sting out of the conversation in the vain hope that the rest of the patrons would go back to their own business. "I swear to you, I had no idea that Adam was alive until a few weeks ago. That is the god honest truth."

"I want to meet him."

"Can I ask why?" Kim didn't understand why but she knew that he could make things even more difficult for her. Not only was she trying to protect Oliver and navigate the fact his real father was suddenly back and what that meant for Oliver and for her, she was also tyring to protect her daughter.

"You've got no idea who this guy is, he's been gone what nearly ten years? People change. Are you sure he is really who he says he is?" His voice had suddenly softened. The way he swung from one extreme emotion to another did little to ease Kim's concerns. "Despite what you think, I do care about Oliver."

"Trust me, don't you think we looked into it and I think I would know the father of my child."

"I guess you never forget a dick hey?" That smirk got her hackles up.

Kim snatched the bill off the table and then threw down some money; she wanted to slap him so fucking hard it wasn't funny. "I will see you Sunday night, have a good weekend with Daisy. I will call her tomorrow."

"Do you think he will still come?" Oliver had asked her nervously as they got in the car the next morning. He had been up since the crack of dawn; Kim could hear him moving around the house. The only day he got a wriggle on was game day, his energy was boundless when it came to Baseball, he loved it but she also knew that he was nervous about Adam coming to his game. He had been let down too many times to count by Steve not turning up when he said he would.

Long after Steve had turned his back on Oliver he still looked for him at games and still got a small skip in his step when he said he would come. He never did but Oliver was desperate for Steve to throw him a bone and kept trying until he just couldn't anymore, it had taken two years but Steve had broken her son. Kim was dreading what would happen if Adam did the same, it would break her son's heart and it would break hers.

"He will. He just sent me a message, checking the time and the place. For the fourth time." Kim chuckled. Adam was a bundle of nervous energy as well. Oliver couldn't help but watch the stands during warm up and kept one eye on his mother until he saw him arrive. He couldn't really remember what he looked like and especially from a distance but when he sat down beside his mother, he knew.

"Hey." Adam slipped into the seat beside her on the bleachers and handed her a cup of coffee. He'd taken a punt and grabbed her one on the way, he needed one himself to steady himself and it seemed that old habits did die hard. He always was picking her up a coffee back in those days; she had a serious addiction to the stuff. "I'm not late am I?"

"No, not at all. They are just warming up." She pointed Oliver out to him. "He loves first base. I should have told you." flicking the peak of his cubs hat. "He's a White Sox fan."

"Atwater?" Adam shook his head. "Bloody Atwater and his Sox obsession."

"Are you okay with this?"

"What?" He nudged her with his shoulder. "Watching my son play Baseball? Or sitting here with you?"

Kim ignored the flirting, that was the Adam she remembered and surprisingly she really liked it. It had been a long time since someone had made her feel good about herself, she would only get a compliment when her husband wanted sex and that hadn't happened for quite a while. "That Ollie wants this. He wants to know you." She reassured him.

"I want to know him too. He's my son Kim. I feel like I've let him down."

"Adam you didn't let him down. Not turning up today would have been letting him down."

"I blew off a job interview this morning." He added a little sheepishly. He was torn between letting her know how happy he was and playing it a little cool. Suddenly he had a reason not to leave, he wanted to stay but without Oliver he wasn't sure he had any reason to hang around.

"Adam, you shouldn't have done that. Ollie would have understood."

"Yes I should have. This is far more important. Kim, this is about my son. No job is going to keep me from that." The words all came out in a rush.

"He appreciates it." Kim squeezed his hand quickly. "Don't be nervous."

"You know I have no idea how to be a Dad?"

"You are off to a good start." He caught Kim smiling from the corner of his eye as she took a mouthful of her coffee. "He knows you're here and I can tell he's pretty jazzed."

"Really?" Adam leant forward and watched him as he jogged back to the dug out ready for the game to start.

"He kept looking up here and then once he saw you arrive he relaxed and got this little bounce in his step. I am not saying it's father of the year kinda stuff but it's good Adam."

"You were worried that I would bail?"

"No." Looking out across the field Kim took a moment just to appreciate the blueness of the sky, the cool breeze on her face and just being here sharing this moment. "This is just happening really fast and I am trying to get my head around it."

"You can say that again. A little more than a month ago I was just hoping to see you one more time to apologise. Now here we are, sitting at a Ball game watching our son play. It's surreal. I keep pinching myself."

"So do I." Adam was surprised when she leant her head on his shoulder for just a moment. He had to steady himself. Being close to her was intoxicating and painful.

Kim probably missed half the game because she was watching Adam. He was transfixed, not only did she know he loved Baseball but it was also because she felt like she was watching him fall in love with his son and that was beautiful to see.

Once the game was over Adam hopped from foot to foot while they waited for Oliver to join them once they had packed their gear up. Adam had wiped his hands on his jeans several times and Kim put a hand on his arm and he jumped a little. "Just relax Adam."

"Hi." Oliver stood close to his mother. She slipped at comforting arm around his shoulders.

"You remember Adam? Right?" Of course he'd remember him, it was his long dead father returning from the grave. There was no forgetting that.

"Good game." Adam shoved his hands in his pockets, unsure what else to do with them. "That win was awesome, you've got to be happy with that."

"They haven't lost a game all season so we really want to beat them."

"But you've only lost two games haven't you? You're Mom told me you were a good team." Oliver beamed at both of them. The fact that Adam seemed to care was all he wanted. "A couple of RBI's too. I'm very impressed." Kim wasn't at all surprised to see Oliver continuing to smile. Steve would have no idea what Oliver had done through the game, if he did turn up he spend most of his time on his phone so the fact that Adam had paid attention was enough for her and judging by the look on her son's face for him too.

"That's my best game, isn't it Mom?" He looked up his mother who nodded.

"I used to grab a burger after a game when I played. Should we do that?" Adam looked at Kim for approval. "All of us."

"Can we?" Again he looked at his Mother.

"Sure."

Lunch was sweet and Adam didn't want it to end. Adam and Oliver talked about the game, the season so far and segue into hockey. Kim just sat back and let them go, they would pull her into their conversation every so often but she was content to watch, it was everything she was hoping it would be. He walked them back to their car and promised to see them again soon.

Driving home she heard her phone beep with a message and without looking she knew it would be from Adam. _'He's a great kid Kim, I'm proud of you. He's lucky he's got you as his mother.'_

"Did he like me?" Kim was saddened that Oliver seemed so insecure lately. That was never Oliver; how had she not noticed how much his family life lately had beat him down? She had put a lot on his tiny shoulders and it wasn't fair.

"He really did. We will see him again soon I promise."

Kim rang him later that night. For the last week, since he had been back in Chicago they had long conversations once the kids had gone to bed, this was there routine now. At times Adam found it easier to talk to her when he couldn't see her. He was distracted by his desire for her when they were together. Just as Oliver had been worried if Adam liked him, Adam had the same concerns and Kim reassured him that Oliver was happy and had loved meeting him and had talked about him all the way home and right through dinner.

He would suddenly jump from one conversation to another. "Did you think about not keeping the baby?"

Kim responded instantly, she was getting used to it. He was trying to fit everything in and make sense of it all so when a thought or a question came to mind he asked it. "Not once."

"Really?" he sounded surprised.

"Not even for a second."

"You'd just made it into Intelligence and you were doing well. I know how important that was to you." From the moment he met her that was what she wanted, to be in Intelligence. It was also when he started to worry about the effect Roman was having on her when she suddenly gave up on her dream. That disappointed him, that she would give up on her dream not because it was her choice but because someone convinced her to. He never would have asked her to do that; he would have never let her do that no matter how painful it was to have to work alongside her again.

"My career was, and still is important but being a mother trumps all that."

"But you were pregnant and alone. Pregnant to someone I am not sure you even liked."

Kim hated his insecurities; perhaps that's where Oliver got his from. "Oh I liked him, sure we weren't in a good place but I'd like to think that the love was still there. I know it was on my side. That night, it was wild and we were probably stupid but that was us wasn't it? Young and stupid."

"I took that job because I couldn't just be your friend and I thought or felt that was all you were offering. I wanted you to miss me, I wanted you to love me."

"You got your wish."

"Not just because you were pregnant?"

"No, Adam loving you was never the issue, I had a lot of regrets about us but I never regretted that night or what it bought me. I never regretted having Oliver."

"I'm glad." Adam smiled, Kim couldn't see it but somehow she knew he was smiling. "Did you know he was a boy?"

"No, I didn't want to find out. I knew it was going to be a rough day so I wanted a surprise, something to look forward to. I always had a feeling it was a boy though."

"Why?"

"I'd convinced myself that you left me with a piece of you to help me through. That you'd created another you to fill the hole in the universe that you'd left. It never did though. Only you could fill that hole."

"Oliver helped though?"

"Oliver saved me." She whispered. "And Adam, he can save you to if you let him."


	13. Chapter 13 - When I Saw You Again

_**A/N: Well...that was a depressing episode. A Ruzek-less CPD is kinda ho-hum.**_

Oliver was squirming around all morning. Kim had asked him what he wanted to do today and she was surprised when he asked if he could jump on his bike and ride over and see Al.

"Al?" Kim looked a little surprised.

He looked a little shyly at the floor. "And maybe perhaps Adam will be there."

"You want to go see Adam?"

"Do you think he'll want to see me?" After talking to him last night Kim was pretty sure he would be more than happy to see Oliver again. Adam just wanted to know what he had to do to be Oliver's Dad and Kim reassured him that they would just take it day by day and work it out as they went. She had no idea how to do this either.

"How about we grab our bikes and ride over together?" She sent him a message and Adam was quick to respond. He would absolutely love to see them, both of them.

Adam had to admit that it was a little hard to focus when they rocked up. Kim was wearing a pair of cut off denim shorts and tank top. "You rode a bike?" He choked out. It wasn't just that that Adam was struggling with, she wasn't wearing a lot and it got him a little hot under the collar.

"Mom did, she hates it and we had to get the cobwebs off before she would even get on it. I think we sprayed a whole can of bug spray under the seat." Oliver was quite happy to hang her out to dry.

"Some things haven't changed then. Your Mom always freaked out at spiders and bugs." Adam laughed and ran his hand up her arm quickly and turned his attention to Oliver. "Did she ever tell you the time she refused to get in my car for two weeks because I had found a spider in there?" Kim left them watching a Ball Game and headed outside to sit with Al and give them their first chance to be alone together.

Looking at Al she knew that he would tell her anything. "How is he?"

"Happy." He nodded. "The last time I saw him this happy was when you got engaged." Kim wasn't sure he needed to bring that up again but it did give her some idea of Adam's state of mind. He was pretty giddy with excitement then, before she let it all turn to shit.

"Yeah?" Kim swallowed her snippy retort and smiled.

"Yesterday, when he got back, Kim all he talked about was Oliver. He thinks he is amazing."

"I'm glad. Oliver didn't shut up either. He wanted to see him again today. I get the feeling I am not going to be able to slow this down."

"Why would you want too?"

"I don't think I do actually." Oliver was disappointed when Kim told him that they had to go. Daisy was coming home soon. Adam grabbed her hand as Oliver headed out to say goodbye to Al.

"Hey, thanks for coming over." He probably held onto her hand a little longer than he needed too.

"It was Oliver's idea. He really wanted to see you again."

"Anyway, I had a good time." He walked them both out teasing her that he just wanted to see her on a pushbike and gave Oliver a fist bump and watched them as they took off down the street. He felt like he was watching his life ride off down the path.

Neither of them wanted to slow down and Kim had no choice but to let them go. It didn't take long for them to develop a pretty strong foundation.

It was cute how much time Oliver was putting into his latest project. Kim often found him chewing his bottom lip looking through any one of the hundreds of folders full of photos that Kim had taken over the years. Being an organisational freak Kim had them all filed away in specific folders so it was easy enough to find what he was looking for.

Off his own bat Oliver had decided that he wanted to make Adam a photo book of his life so far. "Because he missed out." It was a force of nature, these two and the way they were growing together and all Kim could do was sit and watch and make sure that she slowed it down when need be. Adam had always done everything in a rush, he was all or nothing and Oliver had suddenly developed that trait.

"He'll love it." Kim sat down each night with him and they went through all his years and she let Ollie pick what he wanted and helped him get them into the book before they emailed it off to be printed and he would ask everyday if it had come back yet. She was proud of the effort and thought he had put into it. She never realised how much Oliver craved a father's love until she saw the light return to his eyes when Adam came into his life.

Adam's birthday was coming up and Kim had asked him if they could take him out to dinner. Daisy was with her father for the weekend and it would just be the three of them. He was hoping that it would just slide by, like it did every year. He never celebrated it; it was too painful but it seemed Kim and Oliver were not going to let him bury it this year. If he was going to have to acknowledge his birthday again it may as well be with these two.

Oliver was just about bursting at the seams when they got to the restaurant to give him his present. "Happy Birthday Adam." He leapt out of his seat. "I made this for you." He handed it over before Adam barely had the chance to sit down or even say hello to Kim.

"Do you like it?" He asked nervously as Adam opened it and held it in his hands. The front cover was a picture of him as a newborn. He had called it, 'My life by Oliver James Ruzek Burgess.'

Adam hadn't said a word because he couldn't speak. Flicking through the pages he watched his son grow up before his eyes, each page showing him with either his mother, or Adam's parents, his sister and the Intelligence Unit. The last photo he had added was a photo that Kim had taken just a few weeks ago of them both sitting on his bike. The first father/son photo he had and it was a beautiful photo because they both looked so happy.

"Ollie, I love it." His voice wobbled. "Really, the only thing better than this was the day I met you." He slipped his arm around his shoulder and leant down and whispered in his ear. "Thank you, I love it and I love you." Kim had to wipe away her own tears as she saw the pure joy and look of adoration on her son's face as he looked at his father. Adam just looked stunned.

He felt Kim's hand on his knee, squeezing it lightly. She sensed how fragile Adam was at the moment and how overwhelmed he seemed. After so many years of never letting himself feel anything for anyone he was suddenly thrown into a world where someone was desperate to love him and be loved back.

Kim went to remove her hand and Adam quickly grabbed hold of it. He looked at her and shook his head as he whispered quietly. "Don't." If she let go he would fall.

She kept it there, softly rubbing her thumb back and forth until the waitress arrived to take their orders. Oliver asked to go to the bathroom and as soon as he left Adam turned to face Kim. He rested one hand on the book. "That's amazing. Thank you."

"It wasn't me. It was all Oliver."

"Well then thank you for my son." He surprised both of them by leaning over a kissing her lightly on the lips. "Sorry." He muttered when he pulled away.

"Happy Birthday Adam."

"You know this is the first birthday I have celebrated in nine years." He moved away from her a little and he missed the feeling of her hand on his leg, he missed the warmth of it and the hope it bought. "It's a little strange. I am glad it's just us though. I think my Mom was planning the mother of all birthday party's. I think there were relatives mentioned that I haven't seen in twenty years, let alone the past nine."

"She's just excited."

"I know." They both forced a smile onto their faces when Oliver returned and Adam asked him to look through the book with him and tell him what he knew about them. Kim filled in the missing pieces and he loved every minute of it.

As was almost a ritual now he called her late at night. Kim would make herself a tea, pull her knees up to her chest and either listen to him talk or answer his questions. "Thank you for tonight. That present from Ollie was absolutely amazing. I love it."

"I have never seen him so excited working on a project. I wish he put as much effort into his schoolwork as he did that. He'd be a straight A student."

"Then I would worry that he wasn't my son."

"Except he looks like you and behaves exactly like you."

"I've obviously got good strong genes."

"Can I tell you something?"

Adam held his breath. He knew what he wanted her to say but he was fooling himself to think that she would. "Sure."

"That first day, when I saw you again you said something. When I was leaving you told me to 'be safe'. I remember you used to tell me that all the time at work."

"I did, did I?" He honestly couldn't remember but it did seem like it would be something he would say. Their job was dangerous and he always worried about her out on the beat.

"You did. Ollie says that to me all the time. When I drop him off at school or when I am going to work he always tells me to 'be safe'." Kim started to whisper; she could never say this to his face. "He never tells me he loves me he just tells me to 'be safe'."

Adam was quiet for a while. "So he's a smooth talker."

"He is."

"Guess I don't need the DNA test then."

They had organised to go Ice-Skating the next day. Adam was certainly making the most of his weekends with Ollie. They still didn't see each other during the week although he talked to him everyday and touched base with Kim when he could.

"Hi." He looked a little surprised when Kim and Oliver turned up and she had Daisy with her. Apparently her father couldn't look after her today and his parents had something else on. Kim didn't say why her husband suddenly wasn't able to have Daisy but he got the impression that Kim was annoyed with him. He didn't mind though, he wanted to meet her.

"Hey Daisy. Say hello to Adam." Daisy waved shyly. "Remember we talked about Adam, that he is Oliver's Daddy." Kim crouched down when she sensed Daisy reluctance. She was a little reserved when she first met new people and Adam was certainly an imposing figure to the petit four year old. She didn't really understand what her mother had told her about Adam, why he was Oliver's Daddy but Ollie called him Adam.

Adam waved back at her. "Hi Daisy. It's nice to meet you." He reached out and gave Oliver a fist bump. "So we are ready for ice-skating yeah?"

"Girl's versus Boys?" Ollie asked.

"Absolutely." It didn't take long for them to swap partners and Daisy was holding Adam's hand as they skated trying to beat Ollie and Kim. Adam picked Daisy up and they took off and by the time that they caught up with them Daisy was giggling uncontrollably at Adam who had fallen and was lying flat on his back.

"Thanks for today." Adam walked them all back to their car after they had lunch together. Daisy had suddenly become quite the chatterbox. "She's a lot like you."

"She likes you."

"I am hard not to like."

"Sadly true. I hope I don't have to fight my four year old daughter for your attention?" Kim giggled and then looked a little embarrassed. She couldn't believe she said that.

Adam just smiled at her but his heart was just about leaping out of his chest.


	14. Chapter 14 - At Least Your Honest

**_A/N: Okay….you asked for it…._**

He had a long assed day and was looking forward to popping the top of a beer, putting his feet up and catching a hockey game. Working as a cop certainly kicked his ass on more than one occasion but it was often balanced with days where not much was happening and while you didn't actually put your feet up at least you weren't on them all day. Working construction, now that was exhausting. He didn't hate it, but love it? Nah, he didn't love it.

Al was out and the lure of some peace and quiet had caused him to ignore the invitation from Atwater to head out for a beer or four. Since he'd been back there had barely been a moment to scratch himself or just chill out and not spend his time talking about the past nine years. Everyone wanted to make up for lost time.

One thing that was constantly on his mind was Kim. Not surprising it had only taken him a moment to fall back in love with her, probably because he had never stopped, so being so close to her was starting to hurt like all fuck. Whatever he felt though he had to bury. Without a doubt she had made it clear that his priority had to be his son, just as her priority was Oliver and Daisy. And that's where things had gotten tricky. It wasn't even like he had a choice either. It wasn't one or the other; he had the choice of one or none and choosing none was not an option. He wasn't going to lose his son so what he needed to do was stop loving his mother and if he couldn't he had to at least stop dreaming about being with her.

She wasn't making that easy though. She liked his flirting, he could see that and at times she was just as bad as he was. They were dancing around each other and both of them were waiting for someone to start playing a slow song.

Oliver, now that was easy. He was a great kid and Adam loved every minute he spent with his son. Oliver always wanted to hang out with him and he had to convince Kim not to keep trying to rein him in because Adam was determined to make up for lost time. His Dad, or should he say Kim's husband was not making it easy for any of them, not that that was any great surprise but he knew that Oliver hated being caught in the middle so he tried to stay out of it as best he could.

When Steve had found out that Adam was going to his games suddenly he decided that they would all go as a family. His family – Kim, Daisy and himself, which left Adam no choice but to tell Oliver that he couldn't come and watch him play. He'd cried and he'd got angry with Adam and made him feel like the world's biggest prick. He rang Kim and blasted her, accusing her of using Oliver to make her life easier and keeping him from his son. He was hurt and angry, he wanted to be Oliver's father, that's what she claimed she wanted too and now she was telling him that her husband's feelings were more important. It had upset Kim and she apologised over and over again. Nothing about this was easy.

So he did the only thing he could think of and that was he went anyway, stood by the fence in the outfield and watched his son's games. Kim knew he was there, she saw him pull up on his bike and she made sure Oliver knew too. He would ring Oliver after the game and talk to him about it and that made Oliver happy. He'd also got upset with his mother about stopping Adam from coming and Adam had to tell him that it wasn't her fault and that they would work it out. He didn't want Oliver to be angry with his mother; she was trying to do her best in a very and emotional and complicated situation.

It had only lasted a two weeks before Steve started blowing it off again and Adam was back sitting next to Kim and Oliver was beyond happy, even Daisy was excited and Adam spoiled her rotten.

It was hard to let people in, to let people love you when you had spent so many years not letting yourself get too close to anyone. Now there was this kid, this amazing boy who had all the love in the world for him and just wanted Adam to love him back, and he did. He loved his son.

He seriously considered not answering his phone when it rang. He didn't need another call from Atwater or Halstead or his mother. She rang constantly; obviously making sure he wasn't about to disappear into thin air again. Then again perhaps it was Kim and he always wanted to talk to her, he could talk to her for hours. So he pushed himself up of the couch and fished it out of jacket pocket.

"Ollie Bud, what's up?" It had only been recently that Kim had given him Adam's number. The first time he called him he sounded so buzzed and Adam had kept a goofy grin on his face all day. Al razzed him about it but he was happy for him. He'd had a bloody rough road but he was embracing this curveball he'd been thrown, like the man he was.

"Adam." He still called him Adam and they hadn't had that conversation yet. He knew that Ollie had asked his mother what he should call him right when he found out about him and they were all happy with him being 'Adam' at the moment. Oliver needed to make that decision.

He had all his attention as soon as he heard the panic in his son's voice. The love and protectiveness you felt for you child was innate and that was something he had learnt quickly. "Ollie, talk to me man."

"It's dark. I can't turn on any lights."

"What do you mean? Where are you?"

"At home."

"Alone?"

"Yes. Dad was here and we had a fight and he took Daisy and then all the lights went out and he left." Adam was already half way out the door. "I can't turn them back on, they don't work." Things had spiralled way out of control in the last few weeks.

Adam had agreed to meet him, alone as he insisted and it started pleasantly enough but soon went sideways when the guy told him to back off making a move on his wife and to stay away from his daughter. "Your kid, he's your problem now." The dismissive nature of his voice when he talked about Oliver had made Adam's blood boil.

"Whoa." Adam leant back in his chair, the poxy little dive bar he had chosen told him a lot. He'd been here himself; in those early days when he first was put into Witness Protection he'd drunk himself into a stupor on more than one occasion. It was only waking up in an alleyway, battered and bruised and missing his wallet and phone did he decide that this wasn't going to achieve anything. Steve was drinking again, heavily and making life hell for Kim. "Back up Buddy."

"I'm not your buddy."

"Okay." He was breathing slowly, trying to resist the urge to reach across the table and punch the guy in the throat. "Listen. I know this is a shit situation. I didn't do this on purpose. I want to make the best of it for all of us."

"You are the big fucking superstar, the perfect man back from the dead." He snarled as he knocked back another shot. Adam tried to cut him off about four shots ago and that had probably precipitated this outburst. "All I hear about from Ollie is how fucking great you are. You fucking waltz in nine years later and everyone is gushing over how wonderful you are. Like the fucking messiah."

"And you had seven fucking years with my son." He poked the table angrily with his finger to make a point. "Seven years. Why isn't he telling me how fucking wonderful you are?" He had pushed Adam's final button.

"At least I was here."

"And if I had been here, you and I wouldn't be having this conversation. You wouldn't have your daughter because I would have never let Kim go. It is what it is however and I am here now and we have to find a way to make this work."

"Why?" He pointed at he barman and ordered another shot, which promptly appeared. Adam tried to catch the barman's eye but he just shrugged and took his money from the pile on the corner of the table. Cash was cash; he didn't care where it came from. "Why should I make it easy for you?"

"I am not going anywhere."

Steve leant across the table, Adam had no idea if he thought he was being menacing or not but it took all his control not to laugh in his face. He'd sat across the table from scarier guys than this. This idiot didn't scare him; he was messing with the wrong guy. "You want to fuck her don't you?"

Adam rolled his shoulders; trying to ease some of the tension he felt building in his neck. "You know what? Yes. Is that what you want to hear?"

"At least your honest I will give you that."

"You asked, I answered. I didn't come back to ruin your marriage, that had already been done apparently. I am not walking away from my son, just as I don't expect you to walk away from your daughter. That's all this is."

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" He snarled. "A little instant family."

"No, actually I wouldn't. Trust me, I know what it's like to grow up having parents who couldn't deal with each other, couldn't even be in the same room. It sucks. I also know what it is like not to have family around at all. I just want to be a father to my son and I know I have a long way to go. I am not going to take your daughter away from you."

"Just my wife."

"Kim's decisions are her own." He finished off the last of his beer and shook his head at the barman as he asked him if he wanted another. "I don't want to hurt her, I've done enough of that but I am not going to stand by and watch you hurt her either." He'd left him at the bar knowing full well that conversation would come back and bite him sooner or later.

The house was in total darkness when Adam roared into the driveway. "Ollie, open up Buddy, it's me. Adam."

It was one gut punch after another. Ollie opened the door and he was in tears and looked terrified. He flung himself at Adam. "Dad."

"Hey Buddy. It's okay. I'm here." He stroked and kissed his hair. It was the first time he had hugged him and sought comfort from him and Adam didn't know what to feel and then he'd called him 'Dad' and that was the best word he'd ever heard.

"What's going on?"

"He was mad, I don't know what I did. He knew I had practice and was getting home late, Mom told him. He told me I had to stay here, that he wasn't going to take me and then all the lights went out and I couldn't turn them back on."

"Where's Daisy?" He adored his sister and was very protective of her and Adam really liked her too. She was a gorgeous little girl and Adam did care about her and what happened to her. The situation they were in was not ideal and he didn't want either of these kids to suffer but he wasn't stepping back from his son.

"He took her."

"Ollie, had he been drinking?"

"I don't know. I thought he was going to hit me again." He felt Ollie stiffen in his arms, knowing full well that he had said something he shouldn't have.

That spun Adam off in a whole new direction. "Again? When did he hit you?" He stepped back from Oliver a little and rested both his hands on his shoulders.

"Before you came back. Mom told him he had to leave after that."

There was a level of anger that Adam had no idea even existed in him and he had been down some pretty dark paths. "Okay," He tried to focus. "First things first. We need to get out of here, we will call your Mom and find Daisy." Steve had pulled the fuses out, plunging the house into darkness. Why the fuck would you do that to an eight-year-old boy? Leaving him alone in the house at night with no electricity in winter was a low act. Yet the prick had hit his son so low acts were obviously not a new thing. He would deal with that later when he had a slightly more level head, if that was even possible.

He called Kim but it went to voice mail. _'Just letting you know that Ollie is with me and we are going to my Dad's. You need to call me ASAP._ ' The tone of his voice was hardly friendly but he was desperately trying not to lose his shit. They popped the fuses back in but Adam wasn't leaving him here anyway. There as no way he was leaving him now. He followed Oliver to his room and they grabbed a bag, shoved a few clothes in and he followed Adam out to his truck.

"Where is your bike?" Oliver loved the fact Adam rode a bike, like Kim said he would. They had always fascinated him but Kim still steadfastly refused to let Adam take him for a ride so he would just sit on it in the driveway or car park and ask him a million questions.

"At home, jump in." He tossed Ollie his bag and checked his phone one more time. Still nothing. He was well aware how these things went, Kim was working on a sting tonight, most of the team had an angle to work and a group to get on the in with and tonight she was working hers. It had reminded him of some of the cases that they used to work. He enjoyed listening to Kim talk about what they were up to; he missed that side of it. What it meant though was tonight she was un-contactable.

"Are you angry with me?" They had driven in silence for a few minutes.

"No Bud, I'm not angry with you." He ruffled his hair. "I am worried about you though. You okay?"

"Yeah." Pulling up to an intersection the streetlights illuminated the cab a little and he could see Ollie chewing on his bottom lip. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I'm sorry I called you but I was scared. I didn't mean to call you Dad. It just came out."

Adam pulled the car over. "Oliver, you have no idea how happy that makes me."

"Yeah?"

"Since the moment I knew about you that's all I ever wanted to hear, that's all I want to be. Your Dad."

"You don't mind?"

"No I don't mind." He planted a kiss on his son's head. "I loved it. I really did."

"I'm scared Dad."

Adam swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. "I know Ollie." He squeezed his hand. "Let's get you back to Pop's and then we'll find Daisy ok and call your Mom again?"

As soon as he walked through the door he called Kim again. She still wasn't answering. He contemplated calling Atwater but knew that he had a night out planned; hence the million phone calls earlier. Joelle had taken the boys to her mother's for a couple of days so he was foot loose and fancy-free. He called Lindsay, who fortunately happened to be on shift and explained the situation with Daisy and her father. He just wanted to know that she was ok; it would put his mind to rest as well as Oliver's.

Bob had been more than happy to look after Ollie if Adam needed him too but he did not think it was a wise move to go chasing this guy all over Chicago, particularly as he seemed pretty pissed off and convinced him to let CPD deal with it. "If we can't find them then we will look at our next moves. Let's see what Lindsay finds out." Reluctantly Adam agreed and Oliver didn't want him to leave. He begged him to stay; everyone else had left him and he needed his Dad.

Lindsay checked it out and Daisy was with her father at his parent's house and unappreciative of the intrusion. "Oliver is safe, just so you know." She had lost the last ounce of sympathy she had for the guy. They had been on the same path for a while and could empathise with him and they had been friends for a long time but he was putting Oliver at risk and that was not on.

"Let me guess? His knight in shining armour swooped in to save the day."

"Oliver is safe." She was not getting sucked into this game he wanted to play.

They ordered pizza instead and Adam did his best to hold his temper in check as they watched an Ice Hockey game and Adam let Ollie fall asleep against him. He picked him up and put him into his bed. He liked that his family had been so involved with his life although the White Sox posters on the walls had to go. He'd deal with Atwater's whining.

He shook his head when his Dad offered him a beer; he wanted to stay clear headed for whatever else this night bought because he worried that it was not over. "You know," his Dad started. "He wasn't always like this. He was good guy and he took care of both of them. We were happy for Kim, she was happy and so was Oliver." Bob could see that Adam was stewing over something; something was eating away at him although that wasn't a completely unfamiliar sight lately, tonight he seemed angrier than usual and that surprised him because he was always happy with he was with Oliver.

"What happened?"

"Daisy happened, he lost his job and bummed around for a while. Kim finally told him he needed to get a job so he took a huge pay cut and demotion and he didn't handle it well." Bob wasn't sure how much Kim had told Adam about her marriage. "And then there was the adoption issue."

"What do you mean Daisy happened?" Kim refused to be drawn on the issue of Daisy. He obviously knew about the adoption fight. Kim would talk occasionally about Steve not being around for Oliver but not much else and Oliver would make the odd comment but he felt like Kim wasn't ready to let it be any of his concern so he let it go for the most part. It did play on his mind though, constantly.

"I guess Steve just loved her more." Bob chose his words carefully. "Oliver noticed it and started to act out and they spiralled down."

Adam leant forward and rested his elbows on his knees. They were bouncing up and down nervously and Bob just had to sit and wait until Adam was willing to spit out whatever was chewing at him. "Did you know he hit him?"

"Who? Steve hit Ollie. No, I doubt it. He's not like that."

"When I got to his house tonight Ollie told me he was scared that his Dad was going to hit him again."

"First I've heard of it. Kim wouldn't stand for it."

"I don't think she did, he said that's when Kim kicked him out and he hasn't been living there since." He could see his Dad working through things in his head. "What is it?" Adam knew the precise moment he figured it out.

"Ollie had a black eye, a month or so before we knew about you. We assumed it was from Baseball, wouldn't be the first kid to get a ball in the face." Bob was now picking at the label on his beer bottle and that familiar Ruzek temper was starting to fester in his gut. That bastard was lucky he didn't know about it because he would have knocked his block off. "It was around that time that Kim told us that she and Steve had split."

Adam was surprised when Oliver appeared from down the hallway. "I can't sleep. Have you heard from my Mom?" He asked quietly and Adam jumped up and indicated to his Dad that they were done with this conversation for now.

"Not yet Buddy, but hey I talked to Lindsay and Daisy is okay. She's at her Nan and Pappy's house and sound asleep like you should be."

"I miss Mom." Adam wrapped his arm around his shoulder and tried to reassure him. This was foreign territory for him and he was running on instinct and that instinct told him that Ollie needed someone's comforting arms and he was all he had right now. So he took him back to bed and lay down next to him. If this whole damn night hadn't been so fucked this would have been perfect. Laying next to him with his small body curled into him was his son and he'd called him 'Dad'.

It was late, almost 3am when she made it to Bob Ruzek's house. She had a key so that she could come in if she finished work late and the kids were staying here. He often had both of them overnight, especially since Steve had moved out and they loved staying at Grandpa's.

Kim pushed open the door to Oliver's room. Lindsay had called her and got her just as she turned her phone back on so he hadn't had the chance to listen to any of Adam's messages. She had lost it over Daisy but Erin assured her that she was fine and safe. "Where's Oliver?"

"With Adam."

"How? What the hell?" She listened to his messages and tried to call him but it went through to voice mail.

"My Boys." She whispered to herself, her heart skipping a few beats. Where had that come from? He wasn't hers; they hadn't talked about anything even close to defining their relationship. They were friends, there was a spark but that's all it could be.

It couldn't be anything else, could it?

She wasn't going to risk Oliver's relationship with his father for her own selfish needs. Her desire to have him just one more time, no it was more than desire, it was almost a need but that was nowhere near as important as her son and his relationship with his father. Despite telling herself that multiple times she couldn't deny it, she needed to be loved by him again.

Neither of them stirred when she kicked off her shoes and lowered herself onto the bed, Oliver was wedged in between them and Adam's arm was protectively wrapped around their son. Kim slid a little closer and rested her hand lightly on Adam's hip.

"He called me Dad." Adam whispered in the dark.


	15. Chapter 15 - Something so Undefinable

Adam let his eyes adjust the to morning light before he moved. He didn't want to get up because this was the most perfect morning he had experienced in years and he wanted to make it last. Like everything these days, he took nothing for granted because in the blink of an eye life as you know it could slip through your fingers.

His arm was draped over his son, who was still sleeping peacefully and beside him, so close yet so far away was Kim. Their arms were touching as they both held onto Oliver and it took every ounce of his self control not to reach out take hold of her hand. Briefly, last night or early that morning when she had crawled into bed she had reached out to him and her hand on his hip had set him alight.

She was beautiful when she slept and he had always loved watching her sleep, when he was worked up over a case it calmed his mind. In all those years he was away he would often find himself turning his back on the other person in the bed. Only once had that changed; when he started to stop comparing his girlfriend to the one he'd lost and he regretted how he had left that relationship. He had deliberately sabotaged it by sleeping with her best friend; it was easier because he was scared he was falling in too deep and he wasn't going to do that. Not his finest moment, but then it again it wasn't really him was it? Adam Ruzek wouldn't have done that, hell he didn't even hook up with anyone when she was screwing around with Roman, he just pined for her. Paul Benson, he was a completely different person.

Those memories of watching Kim sleep had dimmed with time but this morning they all came rushing back and crashed over him like waves and no matter how painful it was it was nothing compared to the hell he had endured for the last nine years. This was better than nothing, even if that was all he ever got.

When Kim moved a little their arms were no longer touching so he slipped out of bed, trying not to disturb them. He found his Dad sitting at the kitchen table, like he had every morning Adam could remember. "Ollie still sleeping?"

"He is, and Kim."

Bob leant back in his chair and glanced at his son moving about his kitchen. He still couldn't believe he was standing there, leaning on the counter watching the coffee machine do its thing. Oliver had filled a huge hole in his heart but he had never taken the place of his son. Never in a million years did he expect to have him back. He still had demons, Bob could see them but he was fighting them and Oliver was helping him. That child had always been a blessing; he was on this earth for a reason.

Adam could feel his Dad watching him and knew he had questions. Well one in particular. "Nothing is going on with Kim."

"Are you are okay with that?"

"No, but that is hardly important right now. Kim came in late, only a couple of hours ago. I haven't spoken to her about what that asshole did. I think she just wanted to be with Oliver."

"There has always been something about those two."

Bob would always remember that day. The day she told him that he was going to be a grandfather. There were so many tears, so much pain and heartache and despair but there was also this tiny little sliver of light. Platt had got Adam's parents to at least sit in the same room as each other, how she had managed that Kim never asked.

"I want you to be the first to know. I think you should. Adam and I, we were complicated but we had something so undefinable and we could never really let go of each other." She laid her hands on her still flat stomach. "I am eight weeks pregnant with Adam's baby. He never knew, I didn't know until after he left on that job." She couldn't say the other word; she couldn't admit that he died.

Janet had dissolved into a flood of tears and Bob wasn't far behind her. Kim smiled as they reached for each other's hands. "I want you always to be in this baby's life. This is your grandchild, this is all we have of Adam and I can't do this without you both."

Bob and Janet had never missed a birthday, Christmas, School concert or any other important event in Oliver's life. They lived for this boy.

"Mom." Oliver spoke sleepily and rubbed his eyes. Kim eased hers open and felt a little disappointed to find the other half of the bed empty. How nice would it have been to wake up and have Oliver have both his parents with him?

"Hey Ollie." She pulled him in for a cuddle. "Are you okay? I'm so sorry I wasn't here last night."

"I am. Adam came and got me." He was enjoying being cuddled by his mother right now, he felt safe like he had last night when his Dad stayed with him. "I'm sorry I called him."

"Why?"

Ollie caught the corner of his bottom lip in his teeth. "You told me to call Pops, or Pappy or Al if I was worried and I called Adam."

"It's okay."

"I called him Dad and he didn't say anything and I thought that he didn't like it."

"I am sure he did." Kim knew that he would have loved it and was surprised that he said nothing to Oliver about it but it probably just shocked him. They had never talked about it. He had just assumed that Ollie would call him Adam for now and that it would take a while to change that. He didn't really mind, he just wanted to be in his life at this stage.

"He did, he told me he loved it and that it was all he ever wanted. I think he was a little surprised. Do you think he'd mind if I still call him Dad?"

"I know he won't mind at all but let's talk about that later. What happened last night Ollie?"

"Dad…" he paused. "I mean, not Adam was waiting for me when I got home from practice and he just starting yelling and told me that I had to stay home while he left with Daisy. Is Daisy okay? He left and then all the lights went off and I couldn't even turn the TV on. You said you'd tell him that I would be late. Joey's Dad dropped me off, I didn't do anything wrong." He was sobbing and Kim's heart broke as her anger rose. How could he? Why was he punishing Oliver for all this? In one breath he kept telling her that he wanted to work things out and be a family again and then he pulled this crap.

"I'm sorry Buddy. Daisy is fine; she was at Nan and Pappy's. Let me deal with Dad. I am glad Adam came and got you. I am glad you called him."

"Do you think he's still here?"

"Why don't you go and see."

Kim had to laugh at the way he bounced out of bed. The kid was infatuated with Adam; she couldn't blame him for that. She thought he was pretty damn amazing too and that was starting to become a problem.

"Hi Dad." Ollie stopped suddenly when he saw his Pops too.

"Hey Buddy. You're up. You want some breakfast?" Not that Adam had any idea what he ate for breakfast. It was the first time he had been with him in the morning.

"Sure." He shrugged "I'll get it." Adam had to remind himself that Oliver had spent more time in his Dad's house lately than he had. It hurt a little, that he had no idea about these things. Sometimes he felt like he was kidding himself thinking he could be a father. After spending so many years being nobody to anyone how in the hell could he do this? Kim kept reminding him that he was doing fine.

"Did you talk to your Mom?"

"Yep." Oliver poured himself some cereal and buried his head in the fridge looking for the milk. "She's awake."

While Ollie ate breakfast he made Kim a coffee and took it in for her. He wasn't sure if she was asleep so he left it quietly on the table beside the bed and turned to leave. "Thank you for looking after Ollie last night." Kim's voice was quiet but he could tell that she either was crying or had recently been.

He contemplated sitting on the edge of the bed but that was getting too close to her and after last night he wasn't sure he was ready to go back there yet. "Kim, we need to talk."

"I know."

"Not here, not now. I don't want Ollie to hear."

"Well that sounds ominous." Kim pushed herself up into a sitting position, he took a step towards the bed and reached down for her cup of coffee and handed it to her.

"It's not good Kim."

"Could we talk about how he called you Dad though?"

The smile that lit up Adam's face was one of pure delight. "That was awesome. You've no idea." She'd heard those words before. _'You've no idea.'_ It was right before he told her that he loved her for the first time. She'd been shot and he was worried about her and when she asked he'd said that quickly followed by _'I love you.'_ She wasn't getting that now, but she smiled anyway. On one hand because of that memory and on the other because right now he looked so damn happy.

"I'm glad you liked it. It was the first thing he told me this morning." While this was a great conversation he was struggling with the fact that Kim was lying on the bed and he just wanted to kiss her and that was distracting him from the real reason he needed to talk to her. "And last night, you told me and you sounded happy too."

"I wasn't expecting it. I thought that maybe one day he would ask or you would tell him that he could call me Dad, but it just came out." Adam took a risk and sat on the edge of the bed. Kim shuffled back a little and drew up her knees to her chest. "You know he just came out into the kitchen then and said hi Dad. I think this kid is trying to turn me into a blubbering mess."

"He has that way about him. Like father like son."

"Are you saying I make you cry?"

"I've shed a lot of tears over you."

Adam averted his eyes; that hurt. He didn't need to be reminded of how much he'd hurt her, even unwittingly. "Sorry."

Kim leant forward and rested her hand on his arm. "Adam, let's not go there. You still make me cry, but they are not always sad tears. Watching you and Oliver makes me cry, it's beautiful. I am glad he is happy and comfortable enough to call you when he is scared, I love that he always wants to see you and looks out for you at his games. I love that you are there, even when you weren't supposed to be. I love that he called you Dad and I love how happy that has made you. That makes me cry."

Slipping his hand over hers he rubbed the pad of his thumb across her knuckles softly dragging it back and forward while he just watched her face. Kim looked at him for a while before dropping her gaze to his hand and focussing on that. Focussing on how that touch was making her feel. "Mom." Oliver suddenly appeared and Adam pulled his hand away.

"Yes Baby."

"Pops is going to the Hardware Store. Can I go with him?"

"Sure. You've got some clothes?"

"Yep, we packed a bag didn't we Adam." He bit his lip and Kim sensed that Ollie was still confused about calling Adam his Dad. "I mean Dad."

Adam jumped up from the bed. "We sure did." He gave him a fist bump on the way out of the bedroom in search of the bag, which he'd left in the bathroom when he got changed last night and bought it back. "Get changed and I'll tell Pops you'll be out in the minute."

He was still standing by the door and looking confused. "Hey Ollie. It's okay, he's really happy whatever you call him."

"I forgot. I didn't mean it. Will he think I don't want to call him Dad if I sometimes forget?"

"No. Ollie, he won't. Please don't worry. Your Dad loves you, more than anything." Kim grabbed his bag and pulled out some clothes for him, urging him to hurry up and not keep Pops waiting.

Adam was waiting for Kim to finish her phone call. Her phone had rung just as his Dad left with Ollie. He made himself another coffee and sat at the kitchen table waiting.

"So, real talk time." Adam pushed out the seat opposite from him with his foot. "About last night."


	16. Chapter 16 - It's Not That Easy

**A/N: Well I guess we are one week closer to getting Ruzek back! So until then here's a little chit chat between two parents :)**

"How's Daisy?" Adam waited until she sat down. He pushed his empty cup away and folded his arms across his chest and watched her and she looked like she wanted to be anywhere but here. They had to have this conversation now though; he wasn't about to ignore what he'd learnt. He was trying to keep his temper in check and that wasn't easy.

"Good. Completely oblivious to any drama." Kim put her phone on silent. Adam leant across the table and flipped it over so that they wouldn't be interrupted by messages flashing on the screen.

"That's good. I hope you didn't mind that I sent Lindsay to check on her. I was worried." He clipped all his words short; it was like he used to talk to some suspects and it unsettled Kim.

"Why?" She felt a little on the defensive, he had basically cornered her into this conversation which she knew wasn't going to be pleasant. He'd already told her that earlier and now he was talking about Daisy. He needed to get to the point.

"Why what? Why was I worried?" He waited until Kim looked at him and nodded. "Because Oliver was upset and worried about his sister. I didn't know if he'd been drinking and because she's your daughter."

"Okay. Not because it's you being all alpha male?"

"Perhaps a little, not for the reasons you seem to think though." Adam laid both hands on the table and spoke as calmly as he could. "I don't want him around my son anymore."

Kim's head snapped up. "Adam."

"I don't want him anywhere near Oliver."

"Adam, you can't do this."

"Yes Kim, I can."

"You've been his father for ten minutes." If there was a way you could just rewind and take something back Kim would have. The pained looked on Adam's face was awful.

"Fuck you." He suddenly picked up a butter knife off the empty plate left over from breakfast and held it out for her to take the handle. "Why don't you just stabbed me in the heart with this." When she didn't move he dropped it on the table with a clatter. "Actually that wouldn't hurt as much as finding out from my son that his 'father' had hit him."

"Oh God."

"Oh fucking God indeed." His voice had taken on an edge that Kim didn't like.

"What did Oliver tell you?"

"What did Oliver tell me?" He repeated, his voice suddenly calmer as he leant back in his chair. "Let me see. Dad, I'm scared he was going to hit me again. I think it went something like that when I had to pick him up from your house because he had been left alone at night in the dark with no power because his 'father' had been a fucking asshole."

Adam had tired to talk to Oliver about it but he wouldn't say much. He kept telling Adam that he knew he didn't mean it, that it only happened once and that he had been too scared to tell Adam because he'd get angry and he didn't want Adam to be angry.

"Adam, I'm sorry."

"You say that a lot." He ran his hands over his head roughly. "The first time my son calls me Dad I can't enjoy it for more than a minute because he then told me the man who was supposed to be his 'father' had abused him. God damn it Kim, why didn't you tell me? You should have told me." He pointed angrily at Kim before waving his arm around wildly. "I find out everything from Oliver. I found out that I had a son because I just happened to walk into Al's kitchen one day and he was there and now this."

"What do you want me to say?" Kim rubbed her temples. "I kicked him out, that was the end of my marriage, the moment he laid a finger on my son, that was it. I'm sorry Adam."

"I want you to say that Oliver won't be left alone with him again."

"It's not that easy."

"Yes actually Kim it is. It is that easy for me. When I came back and found out we had a child I said that I was all in, you wanted me to be either in or out. There were no other options. All in, means all in. I'm not half a parent, I am not here for just the fun times, this is it for me."

"It's complicated."

Adam ignored her. He heard her but he wasn't going to acknowledge that comment because agreeing it was complicated would give her a chance to wriggle off the hook. "You keep telling me 'don't let Oliver down' he needs you to be there for him. Well guess what Kim? This is me.." Resting his hands on his chest to make a point. "..being there for him. If I let him stay around my son I am putting him in danger of getting hurt again and that will be letting Oliver down. I won't do it."

"Adam, I love that you are here for him now. I'm just trying to…"

He cut her off and went off on a little tangent. "Can I tell you how shit I felt this morning when I had no idea what he even has for breakfast?" He was clenching and unclenching his fists. "I am trying to learn how to be his father. I had nothing for nine years."

"You've got time. You don't need to do everything and know everything today."

Adam's eyes clouded over and he added painfully. "Yes I do, because maybe I won't have a tomorrow."

"I think you will."

"Then let me care about him, let me worry about him, please. Let me do something about this." He was almost begging and Kim needed to bring him back from the edge. They had been here a few times, when his anxiety got the better of him.

"I want you to care about Oliver, I really do but this also involves Daisy? He's her father and she loves him. He's always going to be around."

"I understand completely that you are not just worried about Oliver and trust me, neither am I. However he is my priority and I'm not sorry about that." Adam still sounded a little anxious but the edge had definitely come off. "He's my son, my flesh and blood and I won't leave him in danger."

"He has never hurt Daisy." That caused an unexpected flash of anger on Adam's face and Kim was a little caught off guard.

"He's hurt Oliver and I am hoping that very fact hurt you so by default he is hurting Daisy too."

"So this is all cut and dried as far as you are concerned?"

"Kim how many cases like this have we dealt with? Would you have ever put up with this shit at work? Would you have ever left a child in a situation like this? Would you have turned your back and walked away from a child who had been abused?"

"Of course not."

Adam intense stare was a little unsettling. "Then don't leave my son in that situation and don't ask me to do it either."

"Do you think I don't care about what happened to Oliver? I've done nothing by worry about him for eight years, I think I've done a good job."

"I think you've done a great job. Let me care now, let me help you care for him."

Kim covered her face with her hands when she could no longer hold it in anymore. The burden of carrying around that secret had weighed heavily on her. Oliver had shaken it off, or so she thought. He told her not to worry, that he knew the Steve was drunk and seeing as he was no longer living at home he was okay. He had pulled away from him even before Adam turned up. "This is all so fucked up. I can't believe he did this to Oliver."

Adam wasn't sure what to do. He didn't know how welcome it would be if he wrapped her up in his arms like he used too. That hesitation was gone in an instant when she let out a deep guttural sob and he scrambled from his seat and caught her as she fell apart.

"You know what?" Kim wiped her face with the back of her hands, Adam was still crouched down beside her and his hands resting on her thighs and she could feel her skin burning beneath his touch. "I think Steve won't give a shit if I tell him that he can't see Oliver. I think he gave up on him a long time ago."

"Why?"

"I don't know. He just started pushing him away once I said no to the adoption; I think Oliver knew. And then when the drinking started they started fighting more and more. That night, I got home and Ollie was locked in his room and Steve was banging on his door and Daisy was screaming. Apparently Oliver had got home late, I had told Steve that he didn't need to be picked up from school but he had stopped reading my messages long ago. He waited for him at school and that pissed him off. When Ollie got home he went all ballistic at him and Ollie told him to 'fuck off'." Kim smiled painfully. "Sounds like something his father would do."

"Probably about right."

"Steve gave him a black eye. I do honestly think he regrets it."

"I bloody well hope so."

"I never thought he would hurt Oliver. It was the first time I ever heard Oliver say that Steve was not his father. I feel like I failed him. I was supposed to protect him. I made a promise to him the night he was born that I would always look out for him, do what was best for him. You never would have let this happen. Then when you came back I couldn't tell you because I did not want to see you look at me like I had failed as his mother."

"Kim, honey. Look at me." He begged, lifting her chin with his finger until she was looking at him. "I don't think you've failed him. He's a great kid and that's because of you."

"I love him so much Adam. He saved me, I should have protected him." She looked as anguished as he felt.

"We are going to do that now. From now on, okay? You and me together."


	17. Chapter 17 - Friends With Benefits

Kim was dreading seeing her husband, their conversations lately had barely been civil and she was angry with him, furious in fact. Adam had been surprisingly rational, he was certainly adamant that Oliver was not to be left alone in his care again although he did relent and agree not to confront Steve, this time. He wanted to beat the living shit out of him.

The only way Kim could talk him into staying out of it was to remind Adam that Steve would probably take out Protection Order against him and if he included Daisy that would mean that Adam couldn't come to the house when Daisy was around. That would restrict his time with Oliver to every second weekend and never during the week. They would never be able to go out all and do things together. "Is that what you want?"

"Of course not, but he can't get away with it. Kim, I want to hurt him as much as he hurt my boy. He hurt my son. You know me, I could never stand child abusers."

"Neither can I. I will make sure that he stays away from Oliver, but please, for me don't do this." Adam nodded but it churned in his gut. The guy had one chance and he made sure Burgess damn well knew it.

Oliver was more than happy to stay with Adam and his Pops for the day. Kim didn't even really need to ask. They were building a dollhouse for Daisy's Christmas Present, the time and effort they were putting into it Kim wouldn't be surprised if it was bigger than her room. It had been Ollie's idea and Bob loved tinkering away in his shed with his Grandson. Adam would just watch them; he had enough of building shit at work although it was hard not to get sucked into helping them. It was three generations of Ruzek that a few short months ago seemed impossible.

Fortunately, for Daisy anyway she had gone to the Mall with her Grandparents. Steve just rolled his eyes when he opened the door. "Let me guess? I am about to get another lecture?"

"What the hell did you expect? How could you leave him like that? What the fuck were you thinking? He's a little boy." Fire spat from Kim's eyes and she almost had to physically restrain herself from delivering a well-deserved Voight slap. She may have talked Adam down from the ledge but she was still teetering on it herself.

"I am sure his father came to save the day."

Kim pushed past him; she wasn't having this out on the front porch. The neighbour's curtains were probably already starting to flutter. Not much happens in this street so when there was even the hint of drama it bought them out in force. "Well I am glad someone did. Why are you taking this out on Oliver?"

For a moment he did think of not following her. He was sick of this, they were just going around and around in circles. "He's not my problem." Sad thing was Steve knew precisely what he was doing; he was trying to hurt his wife as much as she had hurt him by giving up on them. He just couldn't stop himself and he was still willing to lay most of the blame at her feet. The jealousy wasn't helping him.

"Okay, fine I get it. You've wiped you hands of Oliver." Kim slammed her bag down on the table having made her way into his parent's kitchen. "Don't worry I won't ask you to care about him again. You do however realise that it's hurting Daisy too?"

"Daisy is fine."

"Daisy is not fine, she loves her brother and hates to see him upset."

"What the fuck is he upset about now? He's got what he wanted."

"Steve, he's 8 years old. Yes he's happy that Adam is around but for his whole life you were there for him, you were the only father he knew and he looked up to you and he's confused as to why suddenly you don't like him."

"You never wanted me to be his father, I was just your safety net. You're ex left you stranded, where has he been all these years? Now he's come crawling back and you just open your legs."

"Go to hell. I've never lied to you. Never."

"He wants to fuck you, you know that? I asked him and he told me straight to my face. Maybe his motives aren't as altruistic as he makes out."

"So what?" The way he spat that out and the hatred in his eyes made her blood run cold. "Doesn't mean it's going to happen. It's the last thing on my mind believe me. I don't need any more drama in my life and neither do the kids. Adam is just trying to be a father to Oliver."

"Whatever, Kim. Do whatever or whoever you like, it's none of my business anymore." Why did the men in her life treat her like an object that they owned? Adam had done it years ago and it had forced her into that bloody mess with Roman and now her husband was telling her to do the same. Who gave them the right?

Kim ignored it. "I will tell you something for nothing. Adam knows that you hit Oliver. Oliver told him, last night when he was scared because you had left him alone at home in the dark." She saw a fleeting look of terror on his face. While he tried to be all tough he had a fair idea that Adam would kick the living shit out of him without raising a sweat. "So you are damn lucky it's me here and not him."

"I'm not scared of him."

"You probably should be." Kim warned him, despite telling Adam in no uncertain terms that he needed to keep his hands to himself. "Lucky for you he's being somewhat rational about it as long as you stay away from Oliver."

"That's fucking big of him. How about he stays away from my daughter then?"

"No."

"No?" he took two steps closer to Kim but she didn't flinch and wasn't about to back down.

"You heard me. Adam is in Oliver's life and whether you like it or not that means he is around Daisy. I want him around. I will tell you at this stage that I won't leave Daisy alone with him because neither of us is ready for that. Adam's not and neither am I but he comes to the house, he spends time with Daisy, we all spend time together."

"I don't want him around my daughter." He repeated.

"Too bad. He is."

"I will fight you on this."

"No you won't." Kim held up her hand angrily. "Because if you do you will lose. You know you will. You have a problem with alcohol, you abandoned an 8 year old and so help me god if you try I will report you for abusing Oliver."

Steve took a step back when they heard his parent's car in the driveway. Daisy spotted her Mom's car and was calling out for her as soon as she got out of the car. Kim met her on the front porch. "Hey Baby." She scooped her up. "Where have you been?"

"We went to the shops. We are making cupcakes. Do you want one?"

"How about you bring one home for me tomorrow?" It was Daisy's weekend to stay with her father and at this stage that was going to continue as much as Kim wanted to punish him and take her with her. It was punishing Daisy though and Steve's parents and she didn't want to do that, it wasn't their fault.

Adam bought Oliver home just before dinner. She had spent the afternoon cleaning the house and trying to clear her head. He had no idea what had gone on with her husband but she didn't want to talk to him about it and certainly not when Oliver was around.

He let it ride until Oliver had gone to bed. "So?"

"I told him that you know about what he did to Oliver and he's lucky it was me standing there instead of you. I also told him that you don't want him alone with Oliver again." She replied flatly, barely stopping from loading the dishwasher.

"How did he take that?" Adam hadn't moved from the table. He watched her, her movements were jerky and he'd seen that before. She was pissed off. With him? He wasn't sure, it seemed that way but he had no idea what he'd done. When she left this morning sure things weren't all sunshine and roses but they were okay.

"How do you think he took it?" She dropped the cutlery into the basket with a clatter.

"You are pissed with me it seems?"

"How do you think I felt when he informed me that you told him you want to fuck me?"

Ahhh, and there it was, the reason she was so pissed. He always knew that was going to bite him one day. He was surprised it had taken this long; he thought that Steve would have told her that weeks ago. "What did he say?"

"Just that, so now he is jealous which makes him so much more easy to deal with."

"Well I know how he feels." Suddenly Adam was on the defensive. Not that matching her snippy tone with one of his own would help one iota but she had no right being pissed off with him, not when there were bigger things to worry about; like the fact that her ex was abusive towards his son.

"About what?"

"It's not nice watching someone else desperate to screw the woman you are in love with."

"What are you talking about?"

Adam took a deep breath. This had to come up at some point, it may have been a long time ago but it had eaten away at him. He was always wondering if they had hooked up again after he left. "So how is Roman?"

"Really? You want to talk about this now?"

"It's as good a time as any."

Kim slammed the door of the dishwasher. Adam's random questions used to throw her, not anymore but she did know he didn't let them go. It was easier to just answer them and move on. Mostly they were good, he would ask about Oliver's birthdays, first day of school or Christmas but occasionally it was about painful and uncomfortable memories. "I haven't spoken to him in a while. Last time he called me was just after you came back, he left a message and I didn't call him back."

"Did you see ever see him?" If it was just a conversation over the phone he could deal with that.

"He came back after you disappeared." Kim refused to say the word 'died' she didn't want to tempt fate. It was such a nasty bitter word and memory.

"And?"

"Nothing. I was four months pregnant."

"He was still sniffing around?"

"I guess so. He came back again when Oliver was a couple of months old."

"Did you sleep with him again?" It hurt to ask and by the look of her face she was feeling the same kind of pain.

"No, I told you it was a mistake, a huge mistake. I was never in love with Roman. I was trying to get over you." Kim never forgot her first few days in Intelligence either, Al had told her that she was basically a 'badge bunny' and that had hurt. She never saw herself like that, but then again self-reflection was not one of her strong points in those days.

"I never got over you." Of course she knew that, deep down she knew that the moment he heard those words in the courtroom and saw the look on his face. She had stupidly convinced herself and let other's convince her that maybe he didn't care about her enough, but that day she had broken him. That day, the look of absolute agony on his face told her otherwise but it was too late, the damage had been done.

"I know." Kim finished wiping down the benches and put the kettle on to boil while she came and sat at the table opposite him. Adam was flicking through his phone trying to distract himself. "Can we just back up a little?"

"How far?"

"To your comment about you know how Steve feels."

"I was hoping you'd let that slide." The way she looked at him he knew that she was not about to drop it. "It killed me watching Roman follow you around with his tongue hanging out. I imagine Steve doesn't like me being around you either." Adam couldn't look at her right now. This was not where he wanted this conversation to go, he didn't want to admit to her that he still wanted her. That wasn't going to help anyone, least of all him. He was trying to ignore those feelings but they beat louder within him everyday. "I don't think it's any great secret. Is it?"

"Not really helpful though."

"Which is exactly why I've done nothing about it. I have no intention of making things hard for you or put my relationship with Oliver at risk." He would just let it chew on him from the inside.

"And?"

"And what?"

"Is that how you feel? That us together will ruin your relationship with Oliver?"

"I don't know. I know we can't do friends with benefits so what does that leave us with?"

"Pity." There was a faint twinkle in her eye.

"It is."

"When did you last…"

"Have sex?" he jumped in and Kim blushed.

"No, I was going to say have a girlfriend."

"Same thing. That's why I had relationships, for the sex. I was never a one night stand type of guy and I tried but it didn't make me feel any better." He smiled a little ruefully. "I was seeing someone, only for a few months when the FEDS came to me and I found out that coming home was an option so I pulled the pin."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't love her and Paul Benson was about to fall off the face of the earth."

"Like Adam Ruzek did."

Adam smiled painfully. "Yeah, but I didn't leave any time bombs behind. And FYI I haven't had sex since." He winked. This was hardly an easy conversation to have.

"You know it made me feel pretty crappy knowing how you were talking about me."

"He asked and I was honest." Adam grabbed her hand, turning it over and drawing circles on her palm. It was something that he knew she once liked and by the way her hand relaxed she still did and there was something in her eyes that told him that she wasn't as annoyed as she was making out. "However I would like to think that you got this little tingle up your spine" He walked his fingers up her wrist. "..and gave you a bit of a thrill." He winked at him and she just about died.

"Damn you Adam Ruzek. Damn you and your charms."

Eventually they got back to Roman, much to Kim's disappointment. She had wanted to forget that whole sorry saga. When Roman first left she didn't blame him for the situation she found herself in, that was all on her shoulders but she did like to think that maybe he regretted his part in it all. Turning up when he found out about Adam had shocked her and when he saw her pregnant he offered to take on her and her baby, like she was some obligation. Kim had no intention of revisiting that relationship; it wasn't that great the first time around.

While she knew that Adam wasn't coming back she also knew he would hate the thought of Roman being a father to his child and that would eat away at her. Adam made it quite clear that there was no love lost between the two of them; he had screamed that at her that fateful night when Oliver became a reality.

Coupled with the fact that she knew that she could never love him; she never did, not even close.

Then he tried again when Oliver was a couple of months old and that had made her angry. It had taken her quite a few years to even take a call from him again. He had always taken advantage of her and usually when she was at her most vulnerable. Why hadn't she seen that earlier? He had got into her ear about the wisdom of marrying a cop but was then quite happy to start a relationship with her. God she had been so dumb.

"Honestly, if Al had told me that you'd married Roman I might never have come back."

"Really you hated him that much?"

Without a moment's hesitation he answered. "Yes."

"You would have let your precious male ego get in the way of having a relationship with your son?"

"I didn't know I had a son back then. Remember you decided to keep it a secret." It still did hurt him that she didn't tell him right away. He knew why she did it, why she wanted to keep it a secret because as soon as he did know he did jump in with both feet. It still hurt though and didn't help his anxiety and it confused his feelings for her. Did he want her because she was the mother of his child or did her want her because they were meant to be?

"And if you did?"

"We'd be sitting here but probably we wouldn't be friends."

"I didn't do it to hurt you."

"But you did. You hurt me."

Kim jumped up to make them both a coffee, the air in the room was heavy with too many painful memories and mutual hurt. "We didn't treat each other well did we?"

"No, not really."

Kim slipped both arms around his neck as he sat at the table and he held her hands against his chest. "Thank god for second chances." She kissed his cheek.


	18. Chapter 18 - The Only Thing I Missed

"Daisy, go away."

"No Ollie." Kim rubbed her temples; the sound of her fighting children was cutting through her skull and making her brain hurt. They had been at it since she got home and it had gotten on her last nerve.

Work had been busy, not physically but it had been mentally draining and listening to her two children fighting was not helping her mood. Being a single parent was by far the hardest thing she had ever done, even with all the help she had. It was relentless, day in and day out. She wouldn't change it for the world, these kids were her flesh and blood and that meant that everything she did now was for them but sometimes, like right now she wished they would just shut up.

She stormed from the kitchen and stood, hands on hips watching them squabble. "What is going on?"

"Ollie won't let me play." Daisy huffed.

"She can't do it." He was playing a car racing video game and trying his best to completely ignore his whining sister and now, his mother. He didn't want to talk to anyone.

"I can too." She stamped her foot with all the indignation a four year old could muster. It was a particular trait that Kim hated.

"Turn it off." Kim wasn't in the mood to even attempt negotiation. "If you can't share you don't play. That's the rules." Oliver threw the controller down and folded his arms across his chest angrily. Great so Kim had her hands on her hips, Daisy was stamping her feet and Ollie was sulking. Good times. "Wash up for dinner."

The mood at the dinner table wasn't exactly what Kim was hoping for. Daisy was her usual chatty self and her 'highlight of the day' was sharing her lunch with her best friend. Who, it turns out was a completely different best friend from the one she had last week. Kim found it hard to keep up sometimes. Ollie's highlight, well he didn't have one. "It's been a crappy day." Was the best he could manage. He also barely touched his dinner, a sure sign he was stressed.

Kim frowned.

"What's up Ollie?" Kim waited until Daisy was in the lounge watching her regular TV show before bed, forever conscious of his anxiety. Although it had lessened lately she still worried that he would worry about things and let them get on top of him.

"Nothing."

"Well that's a lie."

"I called Dad today and he never called me back."

"Perhaps he's busy."

Oliver was hopping from one foot to the other; he couldn't stand still and that was something he inherited from Adam. "He always calls me back, even if it's just a minute."

"Ollie, I am sure he will call when he can."

"What if someone has taken him away again?" And that was what this was about. He had come to rely on his father and he was worried that he would disappear again. For a while now he had the love of a father that he felt he hadn't had for a long time. He felt safe with Adam and Kim had come to realise that he lived with the constant fear of Adam not being around again.

"Oh Oliver." Kim put her hands on his shoulders and waited until he looked at her. "That's not happening, he's not a cop anymore. No-one is going to take him away from you, he won't let that happen."

"Why didn't he call?"

"I don't know. Do you want me to call him?"

He looked up at his mother with tears in his eyes. "Can you? I just need to know he's okay."

Kim reached for her phone and called him. It went straight to voicemail. _'Hey, just checking in. Oliver is worried about why you haven't called him today. Let me know you are okay.'_

Her phone pinged with a message a few minutes later. _'Sorry. I'm ok. Tell Oliver I'll call him tomorrow.'_ It probably satisfied Oliver a little but he was still worried. Both Kim and Adam wanted to hide some of the emotional damage Adam carried from Oliver and thought that they were doing an okay job, obviously not.

Even when she checked on Oliver once he was in bed he was tossing and turning. "Ollie, try not to worry. Dad is okay. Sometimes we just need to let him have a little bit of time to himself. He's been alone for a long time and getting used to being around people all the time is a little hard. But he loves you and I am sure you will hear from him tomorrow."

"I worry about him."

"I know you do. We both do." Oliver seemed to like Kim tracing his ear with her finger and she could feel him relax. "We are helping him and he loves being with you. Nothing is going to keep him away from you."

He didn't want Kim to stay until he fell asleep so she slipped back downstairs and picked up her phone. There were no messages and she was a little disappointed. Oliver wasn't the only one who worried about him. He'd never been quite so distant, even on his bad days he would always talk to Oliver.

Falling asleep on the couch watching some boring home renovation show Kim was woken by a soft knocking on her front door. Checking her security camera she leapt off the couch and yanked open the door. "Hey."

"I'm sorry." His hands were clutching his bike helmet and he was rugged up in a beanie, scarf and leather jacket. He looked cold and anxious.

"Adam, it's okay. Oliver was just worried." Kim tugged on his arm when he looked like he was about to turn and leave. "Come inside."

"I've been out riding." He looked so tortured and Kim felt a wave of panic. She had never seen him quite so low. "Can I go and sit with Ollie for a minute?"

"Sure."

Shrugging out of his jacket he handed it to Kim with the rest of his riding gear and disappeared upstairs and as much as she wanted to follow him she resisted. It was hard letting him be what he needed to be in moments like these, his mother struggled with that, leaving him be and he had told Kim how frustrating it was and that it made him withdraw from his mother at times. Kim didn't want that so she held back. He didn't need her fussing over him; he just needed someone to be there for him. Tonight, perhaps he just needed his son. She did know that whatever went on upstairs it was the best thing for both of them.

Kneeling down beside Oliver's bed Adam stroked his face lightly. "Dad?" he muttered sleepily.

"Hey Ollie. Sorry I didn't call you back. I'm okay."

"I thought you'd gone again."

"I am not going anywhere. I love you Buddy."

"I love you too Dad." Adam shifted so he was sitting down and stayed until he fell back asleep. Watching his son sleep was comforting, it calmed his mind. Sleeping children were beautiful and innocent and his son had such a hold on his heart. He was the most important thing in his fragile life.

Kim waited downstairs and said nothing as he stretched out on the couch and laid his head in her lap. He grabbed her hand and held it against his chest and with her free hand she ran it through his hair. He may have been comforted by her presence but his mood unnerved Kim.

Suddenly he started talking. "When I was living in Rockport, just after I got back from Europe, there was this old lady that lived next door. She had no one; her son would visit about once a year and just nagged her about moving into a nursing home. Her Grandkids would occasionally call in and it was all she talked about for weeks afterwards. I looked out for her, did odd jobs and that. We had Thanksgiving together that year and then every year after I would always go back for Thanksgiving."

"That's nice."

"She died last week."

"I'm sorry Adam." Kim stroked his cheek.

"Lola, she was the only thing I missed about leaving Paul behind. Every so often I would check the local newspaper site and I saw her death notice. I am not sure anyone would go to her funeral. I wish I could have."

"Tell me about her?"

He rolled onto his back but he was still staring into space. "She loved to talk, and loved a drink. We would sit and talk for hours, she would cook me dinner or cakes or cookies and I would get home from work and there would be a container of something on my doorstep. She loved a good dirty joke and we would watch bad 80's movies together. Lola had lost her husband, Lucky about twenty years ago. He would bring her flowers every week on payday, without fail. Her only daughter died about two years before I met her. She was a cranky old bitch sometimes, like what Platt will be. Her name was Charlotte but no one dared call her that. I used to occasionally just to stir her up, she'd slap me upside of the head."

"Sounds like she was right up your alley? I'm glad you had someone."

Again he closed his eyes. "I told her about you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, one night I was pretty drunk and I told her about this woman I loved, who I wanted to marry and that somehow I broke her heart and I didn't know how."

"Adam, it wasn't just you."

"I wish you'd told me what I'd done, at least given me the chance to fix it."

"So do I."

"Lola told me to sort it out, that you should never give up on the love of your life but she didn't understand why I couldn't and I couldn't tell her. Every year she would ask. 'Did you talk to her?' and all I could say was 'only in my dreams'. Lola would shake her head but I know she was disappointed in me. I wish I could tell her now that I'd seen you again. I wish I could have told her about Oliver."

"I do too."

"Coming back here, it's not easy." Kim felt a flutter of panic. She worried that he was going to decide it was too hard and leave and she was prepared to fight him on that. He couldn't leave, not now.

"Do you regret it?"

"No, god no." She was reassured by the urgency in his reply. "Kim, seeing you again and finding out about Oliver was so worth it, it's worth fighting against all this shit in my head some days. I am never giving that up." For the first time since he'd been here he actually looked her in the eye. "Some days it's just hard. I didn't worry about anyone for so long, I only cared about myself. If I wanted to take off for a day, a week, a year I did. Nobody cared. I didn't need to call anyone to let them know."

"I wasn't nagging you."

"I know, I know. I should have called Oliver. I forgot, I got so into my own head. I hate that I forgot to call him." Every time she heard this kind of pain in his voice it shocked her. It was so deep and he tried to bury it but it wasn't always possible, sometimes it seeped out of a chink in his armour. The only person he let see him like this was Kim and occasionally Al. So utterly and completely broken.

"It's okay. He will understand." Kim tightened her grip on his hand. "Did you talk to him?"

"He was worried that I had disappeared again."

"He was. He always worries about you. Worrying about people you love is a Ruzek trait."

Tears streamed down his cheeks. "I'm sorry Kim, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt him."

"If he knows you are okay and you talked to him that's all he needs. He loves you so much." Kim leant down and kissed his forehead.

He had gone quiet again but his eyes were open and he was back to staring into space. It was frightening how much this woman meant to him, how much he relied on her to keep him upright some days. Today, he had tried to do it himself, to rely on himself to pull him out of his abyss but he couldn't. Again he relied on his son and Kim to pull him up. The whole day had been a struggle but as soon as she messaged and he came here the tight knot in his chest eased.

"It's amazing isn't it? The love you feel for your child."

"It is."

He bought his gaze back to her and Kim was glad to see him look a little less tortured. Kim closed her eyes. "Do you want to stay here?"

"Yes, but I can't"

"Why not?" She opened them again and he was staring straight at her.

"Because I want too much." There was that pain again and the tortured look had returned.

 ** _A/N: Phew…that was a little heavy. Hopefully it came across as while Adam is back, the scars are deep and that he struggles some days. I get the feeling that Adam is someone who feels things deeply but doesn't always know how to verbalise them._**


	19. Chapter 19 - You Didn't Listen

Kim jumped and squealed as she felt his hands on her waist. He pulled her back until she fell into his lap. As she tried to wriggle her way free he held her tight, laughing in her ear. When his hand slipped between her thighs she hissed. "Steve, let me go."

"Come on Kim, its Christmas." His words were slightly slurred.

"Let me go, Please."

"When did you become such a prude?" His hand started moving higher and Kim grabbed his wrist.

"Don't." Suddenly he let her go when his father came into the room with the kids. Oliver looked far from impressed but Daisy was far to hyped up on Christmas to notice.

Christmas had always been hectic. They would split the day into three. Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner with each of their families taking turns. This year it was Steve's family in the morning, Adam's parents for lunch and her sister's for dinner. To try to be fair Kim agreed that they should maintain that and they were all spending the night with Steve and his parents. Although Steve had been annoyed that she was insisting that Daisy still had to see Oliver's grandparents and Adam was pissed off because he didn't want Oliver anywhere near him. Kim convinced him that his Grandparents shouldn't have to suffer though and she couldn't split her kids up on Christmas Day.

Daisy was over excited and she knew that Nan and Pappy were also happy to have them all together, despite the tension that existed between Steve and Kim. They had been good to Kim and Oliver from the start and even now they were doing their best to help out with Daisy.

"Thanks for doing this. I know it's not easy for you." Mary found her in the kitchen washing up some glasses.

"I really do want Daisy and Oliver to enjoy Christmas like they always have. We've always had such a good day. They love it and they love being here."

"Ollie doesn't seem happy."

"He loves you both and you've been here for him for so long and he loves Daisy." He was feeling anxious about being here and he worried about missing out on seeing Adam. Adam had tried to put his annoyance aside when he talked to Oliver and they had spent Christmas Eve together. In the end Adam told him that it would break his mother's heart if she wasn't with him on Christmas Morning and she didn't deserve that.

"Are you having a relationship with his father?" It wasn't that Kim was even surprised by the question; it had to come at some point. It would be stupid to think that it wouldn't.

"No Mary, I am not. Adam's focus is solely on Oliver and being his father." They were pretty much just trying to keep their head above water with regards to their friendship and figuring out how to manage parenting Oliver. It wasn't easy for Kim, she had always made the decisions about Oliver and especially lately they had been tough decisions but gradually Adam was starting to want to have his say. Initially he was just happy to get to know him and spend time with him but now he felt that he deserved to have a say and that took a bit of adjusting on Kim's part. He had pulled her up on it a few times, while she was happy for him to be involved when the decisions were easy, like what movie they were going to see or what they were having for dinner when the calls got tougher Kim would neglect to talk to him about it and Adam started to push back on that.

"Do you want to?"

"What I want is for both my children to be happy and feel safe and loved. That's what is important to me."

"Not what I asked." Mary took the last glass from Kim's hand and started drying it.

"Adam and I have a long complicated history. I think perhaps were are better as friends, we don't seem to hurt each other that way." This was not a conversation she ever expected to have with her mother in law. She was confused, being close to him again was unsettling and he had stirred up feelings and emotions that were hard to control. She had never loved anyone quite like him nor had she ever loved anyone as much as she loved Adam.

"And where does Steve fit into all this?"

"He's Daisy's father, he loves her and she loves him. I will never interfere with that, I want them to be happy together. That's what I want for Daisy and for Oliver too. They both deserve to have their father's in their lives."

"But you marriage is over?"

"Yes, Mary. It is." While she had no idea what Steven had told his parents Kim wanted to make her position perfectly clear. There was no hope and it was time everyone knew that.

"Because of the drinking?"

"That's one of the reasons, yes." Kim removed her washing gloves and turned to face her Mother in law. "I tried to help him, for many months but he didn't want my help. It wasn't an easy decision."

"I am disappointed."

"So am I." she squeezed her mother in law's hands. "This has nothing to do with Oliver's father, despite what Steve may think or may tell you. This happened well before I even knew that Adam was still alive."

Kim heard her bedroom door open. She was hoping it was either Oliver or Daisy but she knew that it wasn't. His weight on the bed beside her was far too heavy for her kids. "Kim honey." He slid his hand beneath the covers, seeking her out.

"Steve, please don't."

"Why not?" he tried to get closer. "You love sex. I know you do. Come on Baby, give me something."

"You need to leave."

"Why?" he hissed. "Are you getting it from elsewhere? How long before you jumped on his dick again? Huh?"

"Get out. I've told you there is nothing going on between Adam and I. I actually don't care if you believe me or not." When he showed no signs of leaving Kim tried to get out of bed but he grabbed her arm forcefully.

"Don't mess with me Kim."

Kim leaned closer. "Get your fucking hand off me or so help me god you'll regret it." He let her go and Kim scuttled from the room and climbed into bed with Daisy. Kim tried to push it from her mind but her biggest fear was that this was only the beginning. She had been stupid to agree to stay here.

While Steve seemed to have forgotten, or chosen to ignore what happened the previous night, Kim did not. What she wasn't going to do though was let that ruin her children's Christmas morning. That wasn't an easy feat, Steve completely ignored Oliver and he noticed it although his parents made sure he was included. Daisy loved every minute of it and Oliver eventually got sucked into her excitement, she was built for Christmas.

She could see Steve bristling when Oliver's phone beeped with a message. Kim knew it wasn't from Adam, he had already talked to him earlier, as had Kim but she could tell by the look on Steve's face that was exactly who he thought it was from. "Put you phone away Buddy." Kim asked him quietly.

The first thing that Oliver did when he woke up was call his father. "Merry Christmas Dad."

"Hey Ollie, Merry Christmas."

"I wish you were here."

"I will see you soon, I'm proud of you for doing this for your Mom and Daisy." All he wanted was to see his son but it wasn't fair to insist that he didn't spend the day with his mother and sister either. They had all afternoon and evening together and he just had to accept it.

"It was from Uncle Al." Kim nodded but asked him again to put it away.

When Kim started packing up Steve watched her from the doorway. "Daisy is staying here." He suddenly declared. "With her family."

"No she isn't. She's coming with me, you can pick her up tomorrow afternoon as we agreed."

"The Ruzek's are not her family. She can stay here, you are welcome to stay with her."

"Steve, not now. Don't do this now." Kim continued packing up Oliver's presents. He had already told her that whatever Daisy got here was to stay. Try explaining to a four year old that the new doll that she just got she wasn't allowed to take with her. She had yelled at Kim in defiance and Kim had to just take it on the chin because her father wasn't helping or backing down.

"Don't do what? I want my family together at Christmas."

"We do this every year. We agreed to keep things as normal as possible and I have family too that want to see them." While Steve's voice was getting more and more agitated Kim tried to stay calm, riling him up was the last thing she needed to do.

"Fine, you can come back for Daisy after lunch and take her to see _your_ family. The other's, they are not family."

"They are Oliver's family and have always treated Daisy exactly the same. They are her family too and you know it. They love Daisy."

"Then he can go. Daisy stays here."

"In case you have forgotten Oliver and Daisy are brother and sister. They are both my children too." She called out for the kids to get their coats and boots on. "They want to be together for Christmas. I want them together at Christmas."

"Perhaps you should have thought of that before you threw your little tantrum and ended our marriage. Oliver won't give a shit if Daisy is there or not. All he cares about is that bloody fake father of his."

"Adam is not a fake and he is trying a hell of a lot harder than you to make things easy for both the kids."

Kim thanked George and Mary for the morning and the gifts. Steve suddenly grabbed Daisy and refused to let her go. "Daisy is staying with me."

"Mommy." She cried as her father held her tighter and tighter. He hissed at Daisy to stop fighting him.

"Steve please. You are upsetting her and you're hurting her." Steve gave Kim a shove as she tried to take Daisy and Oliver suddenly stepped in between them both. Steve's mother and father were horrified to see their son turn his hand and look like he was about to strike the boy. Oliver flinched but didn't back down. "Don't touch my Mom." He screamed. "Don't touch my Mom."

George stepped forward and grabbed his son's hand. "Don't you dare ever raise your hand to Oliver or Kim." He had a vice like grip on him and an iciness to his voice that Kim had never heard before. "Let Daisy go."

He relaxed his grip and Daisy literally fell into her mother's arms, screaming hysterically. "You should go." George turned to Kim. "Enjoy your Christmas."

"I'm sorry." How many more times did she have to say that, apologise for her husband's behaviour. Unfortunately they had just seen the worst of their son. George squeezed her hand. "Go and let the kids enjoy Christmas."

Daisy was still sobbing as they drove the short distance to the Janet's house where they were having lunch. Oliver was upset but said nothing and Kim had no idea how she was going to explain this. The fact that he had raised his hand to Oliver again had angered her beyond belief, he promised that it was a one-time thing but how could she ever trust him again. Making the decision to leave Steve hadn't been an easy one and she did wonder if she had been hasty. Adam turning up had certainly thrown a spanner in the works but today, together with his behaviour last night confirmed to her that she had made the right call.

Adam was going to lose his shit and she hated that it had the potential to ruin his first Christmas with Oliver.

"Are you going to tell Dad?" Oliver asked her, it seemed that he had the same concerns about Adam as she did.

Kim tugged on his beanie. "I will, but how about we do it tomorrow. He's so excited about today, you know he hasn't had a real Christmas for a long time. I want you both to enjoy it. Can we do that?"

He nodded. He could do that for his Dad; he would do anything for his Dad, just like he was willing to do anything to protect his Mom and why he stood in between his mother and Steve; he needed to protect her. He didn't know why he did it, but he knew that he had too. "I don't want to see him again."

"Okay."

"But I love Nan and Pappy." He burst into tears so she pulled the car over. She thought she was doing the right thing, trying to keep the adults happy when she should have been making sure both her children were happy.

"We will work it out. I promise." Kim grabbed his hands and brushed away his tears. "I love you so much Ollie and I am sorry you got hurt."

"Why doesn't he like me? What did I do?"

"Ollie you didn't do anything, this is not your fault. None of this is your fault. I don't know why he's like this. But so many people love you. I love you, Daisy does and Adam, your Dad certainly does. Nan and Pappy love you, Grandma and Pops, Al, Erin and Jay, Kev, everyone. You are so loved Ollie never forget that. You are such a special boy, you always have been. Please don't think that people don't love you."

"Me too?" Finally Daisy joined the conversation. Kim was grateful that she was still at the age where she could move on quickly. She was sure the lure of more presents would make her forget all about the drama.

"Yes, you too."

"I love Ollie too." She had obviously been listening and Kim liked that it made her brother smile.

"There is a whole lotta love in this car." Kim shuffled through the playlist in the car. "So let's put on some Christmas tunes and sing our hearts out. Okay?"

By the time they pulled into Janet's drive the mood had definitely lifted. Both Oliver and Daisy shot out of the car and Adam looked relieved that they were finally here. His mother had definitely gone overboard and every half blown relative within a hundred miles was slowly descending on the place. Kim would keep him under control. He noticed that she was taking just a little longer to come inside than the kids did but she just smiled at him, gave him a quick peck on the cheek and wished him a Merry Christmas.

Despite her attempts to get him to not go crazy Oliver was now happily sporting opening game tickets to the Cubs Season along with a new jersey. Daisy had the world's largest art and craft supply box at her disposal and numerous accessories for her new dollhouse, which was a hit and Kim had a beautiful necklace as well as a Day Spa voucher so she could get pampered.

"So you didn't listen to a word I said?"

"I listened and then decided to ignore you. Let me have this one, please?"

"I'm just making an observation." He couldn't have chosen better for Ollie, spending time with his Dad was all he wanted and for Kim that was better than any material gift. Daisy loved the craft box and Kim could see a lot of time in her near future 'making' things. "As long as I get something to hang on my fridge." Adam told Daisy when she thanked him which she promised his would be the first thing she did.

"I also wanted to give you this." He handed Kim an envelope. "Read it later."

Kim had held herself a little away from him since she had arrived. Even her Christmas greeting was barely a peck on the cheek and he felt it was somewhat unfriendly even and he thought they were in a better place than that. "Have I upset you?" Adam found her in the kitchen staring out the window. He rested a hand on her back and was surprised to see her flinch a little.

'What?" she swung around suddenly. "No, Adam not at all. It's just been a tough day."

"Why?"

Kim shrugged. "It's just not easy." He didn't get a chance to ask her anything else because they were interrupted by the arrival of the rest of his family. A family he didn't really care to spend much time with ten years ago so why his mother felt the need to inflict them on him now was a little frustrating. He really would have preferred jut to spend the time with Kim, Oliver, Daisy and his parents.

After lunch Adam snuck away with Daisy to watch a movie. He needed to get away from everyone and he couldn't think of anything better than curling up on the couch downstairs with this one. She had slipped her little hand in his and asked him to put a movie on for her. They crept quietly down the stairs into the peace of the theatre room. He did wonder initially why on earth his mother needed a theatre room but right now he appreciated it. "Have you had a fun day?"

Daisy didn't take he eyes off the TV. "Daddy was angry."

"Why was he angry?"

"He didn't want me to go to Grandma's."

"He misses you."

"He yelled at Mommy and Pappy yelled at him. Oliver was crying in the car and I told him I loved him." Adam knew that something wasn't right when Kim arrived but she kept brushing him off, telling him that she was just tired. Oliver seemed okay and Daisy was knee deep in present un-wrapping.

"Well of course you do."

"Mommy does but Daddy doesn't." She finally looked at Adam. "You love Ollie?"

"I do and you too."

While his heart was in his mouth he loved the smile that lit up her face. "Yeah?" She was Kim's daughter; he couldn't love Kim and their son and not love this little girl. They hadn't known each other for long but Adam loved spending time with her. Right now, this was pretty damn perfect except he didn't love the conversation they were currently having.

"Of course and Mommy too." He stroked her hair and watched as Daisy rested her head on his lap and drifted off to sleep.

"Here you are?" Kim finally found them hiding downstairs. She wasn't surprised that he had snuck off for some time alone. She couldn't blame him because his family was full on. However finding him down here with Daisy was a surprise. "She's crashed?"

"She has. About ten minutes ago." He held out his hand and made sure Kim sat down next to him. Kim went to lift Daisy off his lap but he told her to leave her where she was, he was enjoying having her there, she was calming him down. "Are you okay?"

"I'm tired. That family seems a little extra crazy this year." She nodded her head towards the stairs.

"Where's Ollie?"

"Playing with his cousins. He doesn't seem to mind the craziness."

"Steve wasn't happy about Daisy coming here?"

"Is she okay?'

Adam was still stroking her hair softly. "She seems worried about who loves Oliver, that her Dad doesn't." Kim closed her eyes. "Hey, Kim." He tapped her leg. "Talk to me."

"Steve's not doing great. Oliver was upset about it. He loves Steve's parents and is worried that he won't be able to see them anymore." Kim rubbed her hand over her face. "He wants to know what he did wrong."

"Kim, this has to stop." She was surprised he was so rational about it but then again she hadn't told him the whole story yet.

"Oliver doesn't want to see him again."

"Well you know my feelings on that. Can't say I am upset about it."

"Didn't think you would be." Slowly Kim lowered her head onto his shoulder, she was rubbing Daisy's back gently and it felt nice when Adam pressed a gentle kiss onto the top of her head. It felt nice just to be here.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know."

"What can I do?"

Well for starters he could tell her that he loved her. That would be a good place to start. That is what she wanted to say, but instead she said, "Please always be in Oliver's corner."


	20. Chapter 20 - Why Wouldn't They

**_A/N: Surprise….its like a double episode_** ** _J_**

It had been such an emotional day and she had barely held it together, but now she was finally alone. Sitting on the bed, her kids safely asleep in the room next door and her sister's house was finally quiet and she had a chance to breathe.

Out of her bag she pulled the envelope from Adam. Her fingers ran over the smooth chain and heart shaped pendant of the necklace he had bought her as it lay against her throat. The memory of the feeling of his fingers brushing against her skin as she clasped it around her neck sent a shiver up her spine.

Even the sight of his small cramped writing made the tears start to fall and that was just the start.

 _Forgive me for writing this down, I don't think I could look at you and tell you what I want to tell you._

 _Thank you for everything you've done for me lately. I wouldn't be here without your loving support, kindness and reassurance. Coming back wasn't easy but it has been better than I ever imagined, even if I still have bad days, even if some days its tough living in my own skin._

 _I promised myself that in coming back I would only stay long enough to let you know how sorry I was for everything I put you through. I expected to have to walk away because you had too generous a soul and was too beautiful not to have made a wonderful life for yourself with your family. I wanted you to be happy, all the time I wasn't with you I just wanted to know that you were happy and I wanted you to forgive me. I needed you to forgive me so that I could move on too._

 _I can't walk away from you and I was a fool to think I could. I can't walk away from our son._

 _Lastly and more than anything I want to thank you for Oliver, for allowing me and helping me be his father. Thank you for your faith in me._

 _You have done such an amazing thing, raising my beautiful boy. I am in awe of him and you. Your daughter is an incredible little girl, she's beautiful and when I see her, I see you._

 _I never want to let you down. Thank you for giving me my life back._

 _Forever, Adam._

Kim read it over and over again, wiping away the tears that just kept coming. He was never big on writing things down. If she received a card from him it usually just said 'I love you Baby', short and sweet. He was different now and if this was one of those changes she was all for it.

Pulling on her sweat pants and a t-shirt she crept downstairs to the spare room in the basement. Down to where Adam was sleeping. He had come with them to her family dinner, he had wanted to spend as much of the day with Oliver as possible and if truth be told, with Kim as well.

Kim's family had welcomed him back with open arms. When she had told her sister that Adam was back Amanda had been sceptical but watching him with Oliver and Daisy as well as Kim she had remembered why she had always been on Adam's side. He loved her sister, deeply and time hadn't diminished that.

"Adam." She knocked on the door lightly and didn't wait for him to answer. He dragged his eyes away from the laptop screen he was focussed on as she came in.

"What's up?"

"Thank you for the letter. It was beautiful." Now she was here she had no idea what to say. She needed to tell Adam about the morning because Daisy had let the cat out of the bag and the last thing she wanted was for Adam to find out from Oliver again, but more than anything he deserved to enjoy this day and remember it for all the right reasons. She sat on the end of the bed.

"I made you cry hey?"

"Of course." Kim was twisting her fingers in her lap. She wanted to kiss him. She looked at his hands and desperately wanted to feel them touching her, although the consequences of that was probably more than she was ready for. "What you watching? The video?"

"Yes. I couldn't wait."

That has been their gift to him, it was all the video's she had of Oliver from his ultrasound pictures, to his first few days right up until now they had made into a short movie. "Can I watch it with you?' she pointed to the laptop. Adam nodded and Kim settled in beside him, he rested his back against her and they watched their son grow up. Kim found herself running her hands up and down his arm, stroking his hair and kissing his head while he stared transfixed by the video. She told him about some of the moments, talked about Oliver and watched as he fell more and more in love with her son. Painfully she fell further under his spell as he did so.

Adam flicked away the tears from his cheeks as it finished. "That was beautiful." He closed the lid and popped the laptop on the floor beside the bed.

"We thought you'd like it."

"It was perfect, but watching it with you was even better." He tugged on her hand and Kim wiggled down so that she was facing him. Reaching for her hand Adam laced his fingers through hers. "Tell me about his first Christmas."

Kim loved talking to him about Oliver because when they did it was always just them. Alone. "He was so happy, I was sad but Oliver was happy. He was crawling around everywhere by then, and just loved people. Well the people he knew anyway. He screamed blue murder when I tried to get him to sit on Santa's knee for a photo, he was terrified of the poor guy and after that every time he saw a Santa his little lip would quiver.." Gently she ran her finger over his lips. "..Like yours does sometimes and he would cling to me. You couldn't prise him off me with a crowbar."

"Where were you?"

"At your Dad's place. We stayed there on Christmas Eve, your Mom was there too."

"You know that kinda still freaks me out seeing those two actually getting along. Pity it had to take me dying to make it happen." Adam kissed her fingers softly. He knew she hated it when he would mention his 'death.'

"Oliver woke up early and we cuddled in bed for a while, just the two of us. I was still feeding him so we had that going on." Kim was a little surprised when Adam briefly touched one of her breasts. He loved the thought of Kim feeding his son; he would have liked to have watched them do that. Something about watching mothers nursing their babies had always intrigued him; he thought it was beautiful. "Your Mom and Dad were just besotted with him and I barely had to do anything, he was so spoilt. They spoiled me too!"

"Why wouldn't they?"

"We spent Christmas night here with Amanda's family. We were surrounded every minute. Oliver was so cute then and of all the presents he got, he loved the boxes and the paper the most. He was squealing and laughing and talking all day. I think we all realised how special he was because I like to think he was so happy that day because he was trying to cheer me up."

"You were sad?"

"I was, a little bit. I was missing you. I hated that you were missing out. I hated that Oliver was missing out on a father, I hated that he was missing out on you. I could imagine you on the floor with him, burying yourself in all the paper and boxes just to make him laugh." Kim looked at his hands holding hers. "But Oliver was happy and I forced myself to be happy too."

"You would have told me off for making a mess."

"Probably. The next day we were at Hank's. Everyone from Intelligence was there and Oliver was the centre of attention and I loved that too. That everyone was trying to fill the hole that you had left in his life. Seems they were just holding it for a while, until you came back." Kim took a chance. "What about you? Tell me about that Christmas for you." He rarely talked about it and if he did only Kim could get him to open up.

"Nothing. I was drunk by lunchtime, I stayed in my tiny little room; I was in Spain and drank myself into oblivion. My story was that I was a foster kid who bounced from home to home after my parents were killed in a car accident right around Christmas. It just came out one day when someone asked me. I needed a story and that stayed my story, it was always why I never celebrated Christmas."

"I hate that you were never happy. It hurts me."

"I'm happy now." Adam sighed and slowly leant forward and Kim closed her eyes and waited. The feeling of his warm lips pressing against hers was everything she wanted it to be and she fell hard.


	21. Chapter 21 - I've Had Enough

Kim had woken up first. It was never her intention to stay all night but when she had crept downstairs to thank him for his letter and she found him watching the video they had made for him she couldn't leave. Of course she needed to tell him about the morning but she didn't want to ruin his first Christmas with Oliver and she was looking for any excuse not to tell him and she found it.

They hadn't done anything but it was nice to just be here with him. He had kissed her softly, but only briefly and held her hand and that was it. Was it enough? Not even close, but she knew this was going to be a long process and they may never actually get there. These moments gave her hope though.

He felt her move and slowly opened his eyes and smiled. "Good Morning."

"Good Morning. Guess we fell asleep huh?" Honestly she was hoping to sneak out before anyone caught them together. She was acting like a teenager but she wasn't ready for the questions from her sister. Amanda had always been an Adam supporter, she could see through Kim's bullshit story about why they broke up and often referred to Roman as the 'Predator.' At the time Kim had scoffed at her but Amanda had told him to back off when he started turning up again after Adam left and it dawned on Kim what it must have looked like to Adam, not that there was anything she could do about it, or so she thought. He was never supposed to come back from the dead.

Amanda had asked her if she had heard from the 'Predator' when they had a few moments alone after dinner. "Not since he called when he heard that Adam was back." Amanda always joked that the only reason he kept calling was to check that she hadn't changed her mind.

"He must have been devastated." Amanda had added sarcastically. "He'll have to find someone else to prey on now."

"You do know he's married?"

"Poor woman." Amanda topped up their wine glasses. "So what does Adam think about that?"

"Well, he was unimpressed to say the least." Kim didn't love her sister's interrogation but Amanda had never been backwards in coming forward. "No love lost there, that's for sure."

"How awesome would an Adam smack down be?" she mused out loud. "I'd pay money to see that." And when Kim rolled her eyes Amanda just shrugged her shoulders and looked at her innocently "What? It would be hot." Just as she said that Adam walked into the room and Kim slapped her sister's arm and blushed. Adam and Amanda just smiled at each other; Amanda had already cornered him and told him exactly what she thought he should be doing and Adam was left with little doubt what Kim's sister thought about the whole situation.

Kim wondered if perhaps now wasn't the best time to talk to him. They seemed to be in such a good place. Perhaps they could wait? Find something else to fill the time? But that was just being cowardly. "I need to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"Yesterday. The morning, things got a little bit out of control."

It was no surprise, Daisy had told him that Steve was angry but Kim had refused to talk about it so for the time being he was going to let it slide. Even when he asked Oliver he said nothing. "I figured. What happened?"

"Steve didn't want me to take Daisy with me to lunch and grabbed her as we were about to leave. Daisy was really upset and he was scaring her and when I went to try and take her Steve pushed me away."

"He hurt you?"

"No, Oliver stood between us. He turned on Oliver."

'What the fuck Kim." Adam sat bolt upright and Kim sat up also. She rested a hand on his shoulder but he shrugged it off.

"George stopped him. He didn't touch Oliver." Kim buried her head in her hands. "I'm sorry Adam. I never would have insisted he come to his Grandparents house if I'd known he would be like this."

"Enough. I've had enough." He swung his legs out of bed and Kim could see this knuckles tense as he gripped the edge of the mattress.

"I know. That's it, I swear to god Adam. That's it."

Turning to glare at her he had lost the ability to mask his emotions. "You better believe that's it. I've told you I don't want him near Oliver."

"He wasn't alone with him. That's what we agreed."

"Just stop." He was angry and Kim couldn't blame him and she hated it when he was angry. He didn't deserve this; he had sucked it up when Kim told him that Oliver would be spending Christmas morning with Steve. Kim knew he didn't like it, he was honest about that but he had gritted his teeth and agreed with her against his better judgement. "Why? Why do you keep trying to keep him happy?"

"Because he's Daisy's father and he's making my life hell."

"So you are willing to put Oliver at risk to make things easier for you?" Adam wished he hadn't said that, but it was out there now and taking it back wasn't an option and because that is exactly what he felt like was happening. This was all about keeping Steve happy and as far as he was concerned it should be about Oliver.

"No." Kim scuttled down the bed but Adam wasn't letting her go until they had finished. He grabbed her hand, he wasn't holding her tightly but he made it quite clear that she wasn't getting out of this conversation easily.

"Don't you dare leave yet. We need to sort this out."

"What do you want me to say? Huh?" Kim eventually pulled her hand away and once Adam was certain that she wasn't going to just leave he let her go. "I'm sorry okay. I thought I was doing the right thing trying to keep everyone happy but I am not. I am failing as a mother, I get it."

"Kim, you are not failing as a mother."

"He scared Daisy, he tried to hurt Oliver." Even biting the inside of her cheek couldn't stop her from blurting out the rest. "He asked me to sleep with him, he tried to get into bed with me."

That bought about a painful little look on Adam's face, it was fleeting but she caught it. "Fucking hell Kim." He was jealous and she'd certainly seen that look before and she didn't like it back then. Now though, it wasn't so bad because it obviously meant that he cared, jealousy was rarely his thing, he had always trusted her. "What did you do?" He had no right to ask but he couldn't stop himself. "Did you sleep with him?"

"No. Not that it is any of your business."

"If you didn't care or think it was any of my business you wouldn't have bought it up." She could have just neglected to add that last bit. He didn't need to know; he didn't really want to think about her sleeping with someone else, particularly her ex-husband. "But I am glad you said No." The corner of his mouth tweaked into a smile.

"I bet you are."

"So what are we going to do?"

"I've got some ideas." She added a little suggestively. Why couldn't they stop the flirting, it was getting out of control and neither of them seemed willing to do anything about it or make the first move. They were stuck in this weird cycle of pulling closer together and pushing each other away.

While he did laugh, Adam shook his head. It was his turn to push her away. "Not that, not right now." It wasn't the time or the place to be thinking about that. They had much bigger issues to deal with right now.

"Right, about Oliver." Kim was a little flustered.

"It's not just about Oliver, you know that right? I don't want you or Daisy to get hurt either."

"I know."

"I know you asked me to always be in Oliver's corner and I am, 100% but Kim I am on your side too and Daisy's. Never forget that." Adam looked at her seriously. "But if he ever touches my son again I will lay him out."

"That's not helpful."

"I don't care. I will do whatever I have to do to protect him. You are lucky I don't carry a weapon any more."

"Adam."

"I'm serious Kim. He hurts Oliver or you or Daisy it'll be the last thing he does."

"I'm serious too Adam, don't get involved."

"I am involved, like it or not. We've had this discussion before, I'm all in."

Daisy wandered into the kitchen. "Did Mommy have to go to work?" She asked her Aunt, still rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"No, maybe she's still asleep?"

"She's not in her room."

"Try the basement sweetie. Go down and ask Mom and Adam if they want a coffee." Amanda hoped like hell that they had finally got all their shit in one pile although she doubted it. For all her rash decisions suddenly her sister had developed feet of clay. She could never understand how she pushed away a man like Adam, who clearly adored her. From the first time Amanda met him she could see that. Kim willingness to look for trouble in her relationship with Adam was ridiculous and then she found out why. Sean Roman was a piece of shit and when they had hooked up briefly Amanda refused to even acknowledge him.

Sure, Adam hadn't made things easy with the wedding, he was more than happy to go with the flow but Kim hadn't been honest with him either. They both had been stupid and childish and then she announced that she was pregnant with his child just weeks after he 'died' and Amanda's heart broke for her sister. As time passed she looked at Oliver and was grateful that she had that part of Adam because despite her subsequent marriage, and Steve was a good guy initially and they were happy, Adam was always going to be the love of her life. Now he was back and they were dancing around each other again and it was bloody frustrating to watch. "Knock first." She called after Daisy, because if they did finally do the deed Daisy probably didn't need to see the aftermath.

"Mommy." At least Daisy's thumping footsteps alerted them to the upcoming interruption.

"In here sweetie." Currently she was sitting on the end of the bed and Adam had leapt up when they heard Daisy coming and was trying to put as much distance between them as the small room allowed and appear completely at ease.

"You want coffee?" Daisy came and leant on Kim's leg and waved at Adam. Kim and Adam were more freaked out about being caught together than Daisy was. She couldn't care less.

"So?" Amanda raised one eyebrow at her sister as she appeared from the basement. Daisy had decided to stay downstairs with Adam for the moment. She really did think he was the bee's knees. Oliver had rebelled a little, he got a little jealous and possessive of Adam and they couldn't blame him. He had been pushed aside for his sister once before and didn't want it to happen again but he had settled down when he realised that he was still getting a lot of time and attention from Adam, they always did something together on weekends, just the two of them and he called him everyday.

"Well I can tell you Steve may have just slipped below Roman on Adam's most hated list." And it was true; Kim had no idea who Adam disliked more. They were both pretty low on the pecking order and he'd made it quite clear that he wouldn't piss on either of them if they were on fire. Kim couldn't help it, having someone get a little alpha male over you gave her a bit of a thrill, as bad as that was to admit. It had been a long time since she felt that anyone was willing to fight for her.

"So I might get a Steve and Roman smack down? A double header? My money's on that Ruzek guy, the hot one always wins."

Her sister wasn't helping.

 ** _A/N: Guess you were hoping for a little more 'action'…sorry about that ;)_**


	22. Chapter 22 - Grab A Beer

"Let her go." Kim was surprised to hear Adam's voice. She was also surprised that he sounded so calm, for now.

The shit had been going on all day. Steve started messaging and calling Kim from early morning. Reminding her that he was picking Daisy up at 3 and she better not be late. That his parents' were pissed with her for taking their granddaughter away on Christmas and that Adam better not be with her when he picked her up. She tried to ignore the few other snide comments about Adam.

They had been a Hank's house for their annual Boxing Day lunch. Hank had always hosted the event starting from the year after his grandson Daniel was born. It was tradition now and even though he was well into retirement it was always nice to get them all together under his roof at least once a year. He loved his house overflowing with screaming, laughing happy children and their parents. It was very Un-Voight like, well at least the Voight that the criminals of Chicago knew but he was very much a family man and this was the only family he had.

Kim was seriously starting to doubt Steve's ability to look after Daisy for the next few days. He was so bitter and angry and the messages just kept coming. Wild and erratic, veering from polite to condescending and downright repulsive when he mentioned Adam.

"What's wrong?" Erin had found Kim outside in the freezing cold staring at her phone.

"Nothing." She slipped it into her pocket but could tell by the look on Erin's face that she knew she was lying. "Shit went sideways yesterday with Steve and today he is being a dick. He's been at me all day by phone."

"What do you mean, shit went sideways?"

"He didn't want me taking Daisy to Janet's for lunch. He grabbed her and Daisy was pretty freaked out. He kept telling her that they are not her family and I guess he's jealous of Adam." Kim adjusted her scarf a little, tucking it into the front of her coat to keep the cold out. However much the cold was giving her something else to focus on.

"Does he have any reason to be?"

"Other than Adam is spending time with Daisy, no he doesn't. Nothing is going on with Adam and I." She was getting sick of repeating the same thing over and over again. Why did everyone think she was about to jump straight back into a relationship with Adam? There was a lot of water to wade through and some days they felt like they were swimming with the tide and other days they were struggling against it. People were pushing them and it wasn't helping the situation, if anything it was making things more difficult.

"Well that's a bummer."

"Don't you start! I had enough of it from Amanda yesterday."

"People are just pointing out what is patently obvious to everyone else but you two."

"Erin, please can we not talk about that. Please, I just am trying to deal with Steve. I don't need to complicate it further with Adam. We are in a good place. He loves Oliver, Oliver is happy and that's all I want."

In a good place? Well that was a joke wasn't it? He had kissed her last night, softly and sweetly and she could feel it meant so much more than he was willing to admit. They had slept in the same bed, alone without anyone between them. The only other time they had been in bed together was the night with Oliver but last night he had held her hand and that was it and she was so bloody confused and desperate. She didn't know what it meant for them because he wouldn't talk about, not once he knew about the morning with Steve.

She had left Oliver with Adam while she took Daisy home and waited for Steve. Kim hadn't told Adam about the messages, although he had some idea when she kept checking her phone. Eventually he told her to put it away. She wasn't on call for work; both her children were with her so she didn't need to have it constantly in her hand and it was obviously upsetting her. Kim wouldn't show him any of the messages but it probably wasn't necessary. He wasn't an idiot.

Her hope that Steve would be reasonable faded as soon as he walked through the door almost an hour late. Daisy was busy making "a picture for Adam." And that set Steve off.

"Pack that shit up." He barked at her, grabbing her crayons and shoving them back in the box and Daisy burst into tears. "Hurry up, I am not waiting for you. Stop wasting my bloody time."

"Steve don't talk to her like that please." Kim tried to reassure Daisy and promised to pack it up for her while she told her to go to the bathroom and grab her bags ready to go. As soon as Daisy left the room he started while she tried to ignore his ranting and tidy up Daisy's mess.

"Why the fuck is she making things for him?"

"Because he bought it for her and she promised to make him something."

He was pacing back and forth and Kim could sense that he was agitated and was trying to stay calm and not get sucked in to biting back. "So not only is he trying to suddenly be Oliver's Dad after ignoring him for eight years now he's playing Dad with my daughter?"

"He didn't ignore Oliver, he didn't know about him and he's not trying to be Daisy's father, he's a friend."

"She doesn't need a grown man as a friend, unless he's after her for another reason? If I find out he's been touching her I'll kill him."

"Don't you dare even go there. You don't know Adam so don't you dare even suggest anything like that. Be an adult for a change." Kim saw red; that was a bridge too far. She knew where Steve was going with that and she was having none of it.

"You better not be fucking him in my house?" Suddenly Steve was standing over her and she could smell the booze on his breath.

"Get out." Kim finally snapped.

"Not without Daisy."

"You are not taking her, you've been drinking. You are not putting her in your car." It was then that he grabbed Kim by the wrists, squeezing her so tightly that she actually thought he might break them. It was the first time she actually feared for her safety.

Neither of them had heard Adam and Oliver come home.

"I said let her go." When he didn't let go the first time Adam's voice suddenly lost its calmness. Oliver bolted into the lounge room and Adam had to try to stop him but he slipped past quickly. "Oliver, go find your sister." He put his hand on Ollie's shoulder and he had to grip him more firmly than he liked when Oliver didn't stop. He was grabbing at Steve's arms and Adam was desperate to get him to stop before Steve turned on him. Kim was begging him to stop as well but Oliver wasn't listening. He was so wild with fear and Adam had never seen him so angry and he certainly didn't like it.

"No, let my Mom go. Don't hurt her. I hate you." He screamed and Steve turned and glared at the both of them and time stopped momentarily as they both feared that Steve was going to hit Oliver again and Kim was terrified of what Adam would do if he did, he might just kill him.

"Why don't you both just get out of my fucking house?" Adam saw Kim wince as he still had a tight hold on her wrists and he'd had enough. He stood between Ollie and Steve and again asked Ollie to leave. Kim also begged him to go find Daisy and reluctantly he stepped back.

"I won't tell you again. Get your fucking hands off her." Rather than reach for Steve, which he knew from his few years dealing with angry men could make him snap and instead put his arm across in front of Kim and manoeuvred his body between them. Finally he let go of her wrists. "Get out." He stepped a little away from Kim and forced Steve to take a backwards step.

Kim's eyes darted towards the doorway when she heard Daisy crying. Ollie was trying to hold her back from running into the room; he didn't want his sister to get hurt. His eyes were wild with fear and Kim dashed towards them and ushered them out of the room.

Steve, too stupid or drunk to care took a swing at Adam who was easily able to duck out of the way of his slow moving hand. Steve however wasn't nimble enough to avoid Adam's fist as it slammed into his face, not once but twice. "Don't you ever lay a hand on Kim or my son again." He stood over him as he crashed to the ground. "If I hear you even have so much as looked sideways at them again it'll be the last thing you do."

"You're some big fucking hero aren't you?" Staggering to his feet he felt for the blood trickling down his face from a cut just about his eye and lunged at Adam who grabbed his arms and in an instant he had slammed him face first into the floor and had a knee in his back and had his hands pinned.

"A bigger fucking hero than you are. You touch them again, I swear it won't just be me you'll need to answer to." That long buried anger had spilled over. He had wanted to hurt this guy for a long time and the punches had been blissfully satisfying in that regard.

"Fuck you." He spat out.

Adam let go of his hands and hauled him up to his feet, his fingers biting into his shoulder making him gasp and stagger just a little. "I'm calling you a cab."

"I can drive." When he fumbled for his keys and waved them around Adam snatched them from his hand, which bought another round of expletives spewing out of him.

"While I don't particularly care if you chose to kill yourself, you have a daughter who loves you and needs you and I really don't want you killing anyone else." He really just wanted him gone, the sooner the better.

"Where is Daisy? She's coming with me."

"No, she isn't." Adam grabbed him by the arm, twisting it behind his back and forced him outside. "Fucking sit." He pointed to the porch while he called a cab.

"Why should I listen to you?"

"Because if you don't I will fucking lay you out and you'll be leaving here in an Ambulance. Either way you're leaving."

"How about we call the cops and I charge you with assault?"

Adam swung around, his eyes spitting fire; he stopped with his face inches from Steve's. "And we can tell them that you gave my eight year old son a black eye so you are fucking lucky you are still breathing. I suggest you shut your fucking mouth."

"I'm not scared of you."

"You wanna test me?" Adam taunted him just as the cab pulled into the driveway. Adam dragged him up off the step and pushed him towards the car. "Fucking get out of my sight."

Kim was sitting with Oliver and Daisy, it was nice to see Oliver's arm around his sister but he hated to see that they had all been crying. Kim flicked on the TV and motioned for Adam to follow her into the kitchen.

She reefed open the freezer door, grabbed out a packet of peas and tossed them across the table towards him. "For your hand."

He laid the cold bag on his swollen knuckles, which were throbbing nicely but strangely he quite liked the pain. It was satisfying "Are you okay?" He asked when she said nothing.

"Yes."

"Are Oliver and Daisy okay?"

"Daisy's upset about not going with her Dad. Oliver has just shut down." Kim busied herself so she didn't have to look at him. "I guess now I will have to deal with Steve again tomorrow."

"What can I do?"

''You can stop talking." She threw the dishcloth back in the sink and stormed from the room.

Kim didn't speak to him again until the kids were in bed; dinner had been a pretty quiet affair and no one really felt like eating. She had spent a lot of time with Daisy and that was okay. Making sure her kids were okay after witnessing that was her priority. That she was pissed off with him was annoying but he assumed that she just needed time to calm down. Adam talked to Oliver in his room for a bit, the past two days had to be tough for him.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." Adam sat on the edge of his bed.

"Why does he want to hurt Mom?" Oliver didn't care about himself; he cared about his Mom. Again he had been willing to stand in between them to protect her.

"I don't know Ollie, but I won't let that happen."

"What about Daisy?"

"We all need to look out for Daisy. Your Mom, you and me."

"It's because of me isn't it? Why he hates Mom?" Adam stopped him.

"No Ollie, it's not because of you. Don't ever say that. Steve has a problem with drinking and that's all his fault. It's not your Mom's fault; it's not yours or Daisy's. Just promise me, if I am not around that you won't get involved if Steve is scaring you. You call the cops or me or Al. Anyone. Don't let yourself get hurt, your Mom doesn't want that. I don't want that."

"I want to protect her." You had to admire the kid for that, his need to protect his mother. Adam loved that about him, how much he loved his Mom and his sister. Kim had raised a good boy.

"I know you do Buddy and that's great and I am proud of you, but we don't want you to get hurt either."

"Are you going away?" He looked a little panicked and Adam wasn't quite sure where that had come from. "I don't want you to go."

"No, what makes you say that?"

"You just said if I am not around."

"Ollie, I meant if I am at work or something. I can't always be here. I promise you I am not going anywhere." Oliver threw his arms around Adam's neck, holding on tightly. He kept reassuring him that he was always going to be here until he was happy to settle down to sleep.

Kim was waiting for him when he came back down and she looked pissed. Usually he had a drink waiting for him but tonight he had nothing. "Is Oliver alright?"

"He's worried about you and Daisy."

"Great." She barely looked at him. "You can go now."

"Kim, come on. What did you expect me to do? Let him go? He was hurting you and your children were terrified."

"So hitting him solves all the problems."

"Do I need to remind you that he was hurting you? Oliver tried again to protect you and Daisy was hysterical. Also, just so you know Oliver blames himself. He thinks that Steve hates you because of him."

"It's not Oliver's fault."

"I know that, you know that but that boy.." He pointed upstairs. "..he doesn't understand and he is so desperate to protect you. He was willing, once again to put himself in danger for you. Someone had to do something, would you rather it was Oliver?"

"No, of course not but using violence to solve the issue is not teaching Oliver anything. I don't want him to be scared of you."

"He's not scared of me. He's scared that I won't be around next time."

"Please don't get involved."

"Stop fucking saying that." He pressed his fingers to his temples; the pressure building behind them was starting to intensify. "I am involved. Like it or not Kim, I am involved and I am not going to ignore what's going on. And you seem to have forgotten that he took the first swing. Not for the first time though is it, I mean how many times has he taken a swing at Oliver? Our eight-year-old son. He's a loose cannon."

The room wasn't that big but Kim was pacing around it like an animal stalking its prey. Adam knew that right now he was the prey. "I know all that. This doesn't help though does it? You think he's going to come back here tomorrow and be all apologetic? Do you think he's suddenly going to be happy about you being here?"

"You know what, Kim I don't really care. I care about you; I care about Oliver and Daisy. He was hurting you. I could see the fear on your face. I am not going to stand back and watch that, I am not going to let your children see that."

"I asked you to keep out of it. To keep your hands to yourself."

"Kim, Jesus." He threw his arms up in the air. "What did you want me to do? Grab a beer, pop my feet up on the couch and watch the show? Turn and walk out?"

"Adam." She sat down finally and looked defeated.

Thumping his chest with his hands he was surprised by the overwhelming pain he felt and he hoped that when she looked at him she could see that. He wasn't walking around with his chest puffed out like some proud male who had just killed off the opposition, he was suffering because he wanted to protect the people he loved and he was being punished for that. At least that's what it felt like. "I was protecting you. I was protecting my son and your daughter. And I would do it again in a heartbeat." He grabbed his car keys and phone and stopped by the door, giving her one last chance to stop him leaving but he got nothing. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I care about you." Pausing with his hand on the door he looked at her sitting on the couch. She was obviously hurting but had made it clear that she wasn't about to seek comfort from him and that felt all too familiar. "If you want me to stop caring just let me know. Just make sure you tell me the reason why this time, you know I am not good at figuring these things out."


	23. Chapter 23 - What if it Does

Kim leant on the doorframe of her son's room. He was head down at his small desk finishing off some homework. She looked at the posters on the walls and smiled, he was so happy lately. His father made him happy and joy they'd both got out of changing the posters over to the Cubs and sending Atwater photos to stir him up was priceless, they were like two kids in a candy shop. "Hey Bud, how was school?"

"Good." He muttered without even looking up.

"Dinner is almost ready. Are you nearly done?" She pushed herself off the door and came and stood behind Oliver and rested her hands on his shoulders. She frowned as she looked at his homework, one it was Math and she hated Math in school and the other issue she had was with his writing. That bloody left handed chicken scratch he had inherited. Now though, it didn't bother her as much as it used to. "Hey I talked to your Dad today."

"Dad," he finally looked up at her. "Adam?" He would still sometimes just check who Kim meant. Especially after the whole Christmas debacle, along with everything else that had gone down Steve had lit into Oliver when he called him by his name and not 'Dad'. He very rarely called Adam anything but Dad now and Adam loved it but he had reverted to calling Steve by his name on the rare occasion he even mentioned him and that had not gone down well.

"Yes, your Dad. He wanted to know if you wanted to go to a hockey game with him."

"Yes, please Can I?" he almost leapt out of his seat.

"It's a school night."

"Please Mom, please. I will do all my homework, I'll look after Daisy, and I'll take the trash out." His begging was cute. Of course she was going to let him go. She wasn't sure who was more excited, Oliver or Adam. When Adam had called her he sounded like a kid who just got a new puppy.

"Adam, you don't need to do this."

"Come on Kim," even he had taken to begging. "This guy we are doing this job for has tickets, like rink side tickets and he can't go and offered them to me. I know it's a school night, but I want to take Ollie. Please." Kim had laughed down the phone.

"Your begging is pathetic, you know that?"

"Yes."

"Okay, okay. You win." He whooped for joy. She couldn't deny that Adam had embraced being a father. Oliver adored him and they were like two peas in a pod and she would often find them with their heads together doing god knows what. If he wasn't mucking around with Oliver he was making Daisy's day by singing and dancing with her or having a tea party or playing shops with her. "But Adam, don't let him down. Steve did this, offered to take him to a game and then blew him off."

That had broken Ollie's heart and probably, looking back now his will to try with him anymore. Steve had promised to take him to a game and Ollie had sat and waited and waited for him to come home. Eventually Kim had carried him sobbing to bed. Steve arrived home hours later, drunk and just shrugged. "Something came up."

"I am not Steve." Adam added with a hint of annoyance, he had given Kim no reason to keep likening him to her husband. "Kim, stop comparing me and him, you know I hate it."

It had taken them a good few weeks to get back on an even keel after Christmas. The next day Adam had called Oliver early to make sure he was okay. He had also called Kim to organise his day with Oliver and she was still not in the mood to talk. "Do you want me to come over when he picks up his car?"

"Yes, because that would be really fucking helpful. He already thinks you are sleeping here, but pissing him off even more would probably make you happy."

"Okay, how about you drop the attitude?" Adam snapped back at her. "I was just offering. You know in case he tries to abuse you again or one of the kids."

"I can take care of my kids Adam."

"Obviously."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." When Adam picked up Oliver Kim barely spoke to him. Steve had obviously been and gone by that stage as his car wasn't there and Oliver had told Adam that Steve was angry but his Pappy was with him so it didn't get too bad. Although he did point out that Adam had punched him, George tried to reassure her that he wasn't angry with Adam or Kim for what happened but that he did hate that it had come to this.

Adam messaged Kim later that night. He wanted to call but wasn't sure she would take it or that it wouldn't end in another argument.

 _'I hope you are okay? Kim I don't want to hurt you or see you get hurt. It kills me to watch you go through this. I hated seeing that look of fear on your face; I hated seeing your kids scared in their own home. I just wanted to protect you, all of you. I never want you to think you have to do this alone, I told you I am 100% on your side.'_

 _'I know and thank you. It's just really confusing at the moment and I need some time and space. I can't think when you are around.'_

 _'I think about you all the time.'_

Why could they say more in messages than they could face to face?

Once the New Year rolled around they were at least getting back to being friends again and they just didn't talk about the fight. Things smoothed out and Adam agreed to let Kim deal with her ex and stayed out of it. He kept his opinions to himself and kept his distance when he knew Steve was going to be around to pick up or drop off Daisy. Oliver didn't have anything to do with him and at least he felt more relaxed about that.

By the time Kim got home from work Ollie was dressed ready for the game. He sat at the front window and watched and waited for Adam's truck and Kim didn't even get the chance to get out of the kitchen before he was out the door as soon as he pulled up outside.

"Hey Ollie my man." He held his hand out for a fist bump. "Ready to go."

"Have fun. And Adam." He stopped and looked at Kim. She was standing with Daisy who Kim had already prised of his leg; she wanted to go with them. He blew her a kiss who just giggled; even her daughter was besotted with him. "He's got school tomorrow, try not the feed him complete crap and get him bouncing off the roof." He just winked at her. God damn him and his charms and she laughed when they shared another fist bump as Adam climbed in and Kim knew that what she had just said had gone in one ear and out the other. She never quite knew what they got up to when they went out together but they were both incredibly happy so that was good enough for Kim.

"Where are they going?" Daisy asked as she waved goodbye to her brother and Adam.

"Boy's Night Out, so that means a Girl's night for you and me."

"Can we paint our toes?" Daisy suddenly forgot all about the fact that she was missing out. Kim didn't get as much time with Daisy as she would have liked with her spending every second weekend with her father and right now that was working out for them okay. Things were cordial at best and she hoped it continued for Daisy's sake but she missed her when she wasn't around. Oliver was basically just waiting for Adam 24/7 and she felt a little redundant most weekends when Daisy was away. Now Daisy was also asking when she could go on a date with Adam. She was desperate to go out with him like Oliver did.

"What colour?"

"Pink." Kim nodded, she hated pink nail polish, but pink it was. "And sparkles." That was going to go down a treat at work. Sparkly pink nail polish went so well with her sidearm.

Oliver slipped his hand in to Adam's as they walked into the United Centre and the crowd started to build. The past few months had been better than he ever imagined when he decided that he needed to come back to Chicago and at least make peace with his past. This, he never expected. In all the years he was away the thought that this was even a possibility never crossed his mind. When his world was blown apart he accepted that he would never have a family again and now he had a son.

"Can Dad come in?" Oliver was beyond hyped when they got home. The Blackhawks had won; he was sporting a new jersey and whenever he got home from his time with Adam you couldn't wipe the smile off his face, or Adam's.

"What did you feed him?"

"Not much, just a hotdog and an ice-cream." Adam tried to look indignant. "And maybe a soda. He's high on life, Hawks won."

The grip that Oliver had on his hand was vice like. He wasn't letting him go just yet. "Okay." Kim agreed as she stood aside and let Oliver drag him inside, Adam playfully slapping her on the butt as he passed. He hadn't spent much time at their house lately. "But you need to get changed and clean your teeth."

Oliver trudged upstairs reluctantly and they stood a little awkwardly in the hallway. "Daisy has made you something, it's on the end of her bed and she made me 'pinky swear' that you would come and get it." Kim chuckled. Daisy had been very serious about that point; that Adam had to come and get it, even though she was sound asleep.

Adam took the stairs two at a time and snuck into Daisy's room. He picked up the picture on the foot of her bed and it was a drawing of her and Adam and his bike. Scrawled along the bottom was her chaotic writing; she had tried to write the nickname Adam had given her. He smiled and crept closer and kissed her dark little head. This girl, god he wished she was his too.

While they were both upstairs Kim grabbed two beers from the fridge and sat on the couch, now he was here she didn't want him to leave just yet. She had missed talking to him, she missed someone being interested in her and she had to admit that she really missed the way he flirted with her. She nervously rolled the bottle between her two hands. How much more complicated could her life get?

Adam jogged lightly down the stairs and he put the picture with his keys and wallet. Kim leant forward and grabbed the beer from the table and held it out for him. He ran his hand lightly across her shoulders as he made his way around to sit down next to her. "Did you like that?" She asked.

"What? Touching you?"

He took a slow mouthful of beer as he watched her blush, the slight flush on her cheeks and she would look from under her eyelashes and he swore he could see some love in her eyes or at the very least lust. "No, Daisy's picture?"

"I think I am going to run out of room on my fridge soon." It was true; his fridge had become a shrine to Oliver and Daisy.

"Why do you have both my kids wrapped around your finger?"

"Because I am awesome." Kim just nodded and turned her head when she heard Oliver coming downstairs. He was still beaming as he squeezed in between his mother and father.

"Mom let me download when the Cubbies won the first time. Can we watch it?" Atwater teased Oliver about switching teams but Adam was excited and had bought them tickets to the opening game for Christmas and couldn't wait to take him.

"We can, but not right now. It's a school night, but how about the next time it's a snow day we knock them out."

"Do you remember that? Was that before you went away?" Oliver was bouncing still, he loved talking to Adam about where he had been and what he had done while he was away and Adam tried to be as accommodating as possible but sometimes it was all too much and Kim would have to step in.

"It was. It was a good night. The whole city was a party; it was crazy. I think even your Mom and I partied together that night." He winked at Kim who was just happy to watch them together, she would never get sick of this.

Oliver threw his arms around Adam's neck and thanked him for taking him to the game when Kim nudged him to let him know it was time for bed. "I'll be back in a minute. Get yourself another beer." She pointed to the kitchen. Really it would be better if he left but he was willing to continue to torture himself if it meant time alone with her. They had got lost for a while and he had missed her, more than he thought possible. He was in no rush to leave now that she had offered an olive branch.

This time he was holding out a beer for her. "Tell me about the day he was born."

"You know about that?" They had talked about his first few days and how scared and emotional she was and he had the photo book and movie that they had made him but he just loved hearing her talk about Oliver, the pure love in her voice when she talked about his son was intoxicating.

"No I mean, the labour and his birth."

Hugging her knees to her chest she thought about it for a moment. "I was terrified. I wasn't sure what had woken me up, the last few days everything had been aching but this was different. I felt like a beached whale and would waddle around the house, going crazy. I hated not being at work and they used to laugh at me when I kept turning up just to say hello. I ignored the pain that day until I could barely breathe. I think I was too scared to face facts; I didn't want to be in labour. I didn't want to lose that part of you growing inside me. I wanted him to stay in there forever. In there he was safe. I could keep him safe."

"Erin was with you right?"

"She was. I eventually called her when I think the contractions were about eight minutes apart and as soon as she answered the phone I burst into tears. That sent her into a panic; I think they were at my door in about ten minutes and they lived twenty minutes away. I still don't think Lindsay let Halstead drive though."

"That's because she's a control freak."

"Platt offered to be my birthing partner but the thought of her seeing me in all my glory was a bridge too far. The whole waiting room was full within the hour. I felt sorry for anyone else in that room; they were surrounded by cops along with half of Firehouse 51 and of course your parents. They must have thought the world was ending. I wasn't alone that's for sure, but I had never felt so alone."

Adam reached out and rested a hand on the only part of her he could touch without shifting his body. He ran his thumb up and down her ankle but his eyes never left her face. "It hurt like hell, l thought I was going to split in half and the contractions just kept coming but nothing was happening, the Doctor eventually broke my waters and it happened pretty quick after that. It was so intense and the pain was incredible but nothing like the pain in my heart. I loved him the moment I saw him, he looked so small and helpless and all I could see was you. I was sobbing, Erin was crying and we were both just this blubbering mess. He was this strange blue colour, covered in blood and god knows what else and screaming blue murder but I loved him. I hate that you didn't get that moment, that first moment when you look at them and think oh my god we made this and he's perfect."

"I was just late to the party. I did think that, I think that all the time." He was a constant surprise; the comments he made about Oliver and her or Daisy were always the sweetest. "And I still look at you two together and think that."

They were both looking at his hand on her ankle, unable to take the risk of seeing each other's pain or desire because they both had a heady mix of both. "Do you remember where you were that day?"

"France I think. I spent most of the first year backpacking through Europe. I wasn't anybody and over there I could just be no one, no one cared who I was." As soon as Kim had told him when his birthday was, April 25th he sat down and tried to work out where he was, what he was doing. Strangely he was trying to figure out if anything felt different, it was ridiculous but at the time he was desperate to cling to something. He wanted a tangible link to his son; he wanted something to make sense.

"Your Mom and Dad were the first people to see him." Kim waved her hands. "More crying. People must of thought we didn't like him with the amount of crying that was going on. You wouldn't believe the amount of tears; Platt and Voight even shed a few. We were definitely surrounded if not a little smothered with love."

"My Mom told me about the first time she held him, that it was like turning back the clock to the first time she saw me."

"I don't think I slept at all that first night. I just sat and held him. I think I was scared that if I closed my eyes someone would take him away from me." Adam moved closer to her and his hand had moved from her ankle to her knee where he was now dragging all his fingers lightly across it and it made her skin tingle. Kim took a deep breath. "He was so beautiful. He looked like you."

"He was a handsome dude, right?" Again that little blush that crept across her face made his heart race.

"He was perfect." Kim fingers twitched a little as she resisted the urge to run her hands through his hair. "I had no idea what to call him, it took about four days for me to decide. I kept thinking what would you think of it. I could imagine you rolling your eyes if it wasn't manly enough. I thought about calling him Adam but that just hurt too much. I thought that the world needed an Adam Ruzek but I couldn't do it. There was never going to be another you, I didn't want to replace you."

"I love his name." He couldn't imagine him being anything else. "What else did you consider?"

Kim had to stop and think, it was so long ago and in all honesty those early days were a blur, a whirlwind of joy, heartache and exhaustion. "Cooper, Lucas, Max and Leo were on the top of the list I think. I really liked Leo but he just looked like an Oliver. James was obviously because of you." James was Adam's middle name. "Oliver James Ruzek Burgess" she whispered, although very rarely did they use his full name in the past but Kim had noticed that Oliver had started writing his full name on his school work lately and he wanted people to know that he was Oliver Ruzek Burgess. He had showed Adam and that had made him pretty emotional.

"I'm glad you chose Oliver."

"You don't like the others?"

"They are okay. I just really like Oliver." He shrugged. "Reminds me of Olinsky." Adam had always been aware of the role that Al had played in Oliver's life. That first day he saw Oliver standing in Al's kitchen he could see the bond between them. Oliver had freaked out and looked to Al for support and his reassurance.

"Me too."

Kim gave into the twitch and raked her hand through his hair. Adam closed his eyes and tried to just let this moment happen. When he opened them again he could see tears on her cheeks. "Why are you crying?"

"Because of you."

"You don't have to cry over me anymore." He sat up a little and took the beer bottle from her hand and placed it on the table. It felt like his insides were bubble wrap and when he captured her lips with his, softly at first he felt like every single one of those bubbles was popping.

Who was going to baulk first? Who had the fortitude to stop it or the courage to keep going? Kim's hand slid under his shirt and she dragged her fingers across his back making him moan quietly before he sucked on her lower lip. "Kim." He growled her name as she pulled away slightly. "Let me kiss you."

All of her nerve endings felt like they were on fire. The feeling of his body pressing her deeper into the corner of the couch, his hands on her face, his tongue begging for access was all too much, she felt strangely overwhelmed and content at the same time. She tried not to think and just feel.

Just when she was about to fall he stopped. Pulling away he pressed his lips against hers and let them linger before resting his forehead on hers. "I know this can't happen." His voice was hoarse, painfully so.

"Why not?"

"What if it doesn't work?" Pushing himself up off her he ran his hands back and forth through his hair roughly. He couldn't look at her; if he did he would give in to her.

"What if it does?"


	24. Chapter 24 - Go To Hell

Now everything was awkward again. They had just got back to a good place after the fight with Steve and now it was fucked again. He'd stuffed it up again by kissing her, not just sweetly like he had a Christmas. It was needy and passionate and he'd lost his head for just a minute. He stupidly pulled away from Kim and it did not make him happy and judging by Kim's tears it had devastated her too. He was fucking useless.

He was confused and that made him anxious and he started to doubt himself, he started to doubt whether he was going to make the same mistakes as last time, he was worried she was going to discover that the reasons she had called off their engagement were still an issue for her. Not that he really understood what they were. That night they had it out a lot of it was spoken in anger but blinded by lust and alcohol and he couldn't remember what she had told him.

Oliver was the very reason why Adam had pulled away. There was no way he was risking his relationship with Oliver. Missing eight years of your son's life was something he could never get back, he wasn't going to do anything to jeopardise being his father now.

Kim, that was a whole other kettle of fish. She had tried to talk to him that night but like that night many years ago he was scared of the outcome so preferred to let sleeping dogs lie. He was a coward; when it came to Kim he was always a coward because she had the ability to hurt him like no other woman ever had. While he didn't want to hurt her, he couldn't bear to let himself get hurt again either. He'd been kicked around for ten years, he'd lived with an undiminishing ache in his heart from the moment she put that ring back in his hand. Only a fool would let that happen again.

He struggled daily to keep his head above water, there was so much buried deep within him. He knew he had to deal with it, the things he'd done and the person he'd been but he was scared to let it out. He pushed it deeper and deeper and when Kim did get a glimpse of it seeing how much it upset her made him more determined to stay away from her. Paul Benson was not a nice person, he hated him but sometimes he worried that some of that terrible person would seep into Adam.

Paul Benson treated people like shit; he didn't care who he hurt when he walked away, which he always did. As soon as things got serious and people started asking questions he just packed up and left. His whole life stuffed into a duffel bag and he'd put as much distance between his current home and his new place of residence. He'd cancel his phone service and get a new number and he had no social media accounts and in the days before he left he would change the email addresses of those that he still needed and close the other. He'd break hearts and then fall of the face of the earth. On the odd occasion he would break up with whoever he was seeing face-to-face he basically told them that he would never love them and then he'd leave. He was an asshole but at least no one ever came looking for him. He never let his heart make one single decision, it was always his head because his heart belonged to Adam Ruzek and that meant it belonged to her. He never let Paul Benson control his heart.

Now he'd let his heart take control for the briefest of moments. He'd loved kissing her, it had set every single one of his nerves alight and when he pulled away it was like being stabbed a thousand times over but he had to listen to his head. He had to stop.

"Forget about it, it was a mistake." And he'd done the one thing he promised he wouldn't do. He had hurt her telling her it was a mistake. It wasn't a mistake; his only mistake was pulling away. His biggest mistake was letting her walk out of that locker room. So many mistakes over the years and it seemed like he hadn't learnt a damn thing.

"A mistake?" He didn't miss the hurt in her voice, just like she didn't miss Adam's devastation. It was written all over his face and hers.

"This has got to be about Oliver, it can never be about us."

"There will always be an us because of Oliver. Just like I am always going have to deal with Steve because of Daisy." Getting through to him sometimes wasn't easy. Everyone expected him to just be the Adam that they remembered, the life of the party, the joker but he wasn't that anymore. Around others he put on a brave face but Kim could see behind his mask, she could see how deep his pain was.

"So you are still going to fuck him too?" The moment that came out of his mouth he just wanted to curl up and die. It was cruel and spiteful and he hated himself for it. He took a step towards her but she cut him down with her eyes.

"Go to hell Adam." She turned on her heel and left him standing in the middle of her yard. He had dropped off Oliver after spending the afternoon at the movies and Kim had sent him inside so they could talk. They needed to clear the air, but this just blew more dark clouds overhead.

He was so damn frustrating. It was hard work and as much as she tried to be patient and understanding it was starting to hurt. He was starting to pull away from her and she couldn't stop him and the tighter she tried to hold on the more he fought her. That kiss, she knew he felt the same way she did, it was written on his face and his body language was a dead giveaway but he had steadfastly refused to go any further. Kim had pushed him, almost begging him to stay but he jumped up off the couch, apologised for over stepping the line and left. Leaving them both in a state of shock and turmoil.

Oliver was watching from the window. "Are you and Dad fighting?"

"No buddy. Please try not to worry. Your Dad, you know he still feels sad sometimes because of what happened. Sometimes he needs to talk about it." Kim tried to reassure him but knew that she was probably failing miserably.

"We've got to help him. I don't want him to leave again." Oliver was pleading with her, he looked so distressed and it broke her heart. It was his eyes that got to her; she had just seen that look in his father's eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes that always gave away everything, every thought and feeling, the hurt, the love and pain was always there for her to see, in Adam and in his son. After all this kid had been through with Steve, she couldn't bear to see him so upset about Adam. "Please can we help him?"

Slipping her arms around his shoulders he didn't fight against her cuddle. That had also been a big change in Oliver, his willingness to seek the comforting arms of his mother when in the past he thought he was too big for that. Adam had bought about that change in him. He had always been very affectionate when they were together and he had taught Oliver that it was a good thing to show the people you love how you felt with a touch, a kiss or a hug. If only he wasn't so reluctant to take his own advice as far as Kim was concerned. "We are Baby."

Kim sent him a message. _'You need to call your son.'_ And a minute later she heard Ollie's phone ring with that inane tune that Adam had insisted he program as his ringtone. "So he knows it's me and he won't ignore it like when you ring to nag him." He had teased her.

"Hey Buddy."

"Dad, I just want to make sure you are okay?" He always did this; his son always seemed to know when he needed to be picked up. "I don't like it when you are sad."

"I know Ollie. I'm okay, really. It's just been a tough day." Adam leant his head on the steering wheel. He had taken himself down to the lake, he liked to sit and look back at the city when he was spinning out a little. Those days had become less frequent but it was always bubbling under the surface. He found it calming looking out over the place he never thought he'd see again, the city he once protected. "Ollie, you know I love you right?"

"What about Mom?"

"Oh yeah, I love her too." He did wonder if Ollie could hear how painful that was to admit because the pain it was causing him was unbearable.

"That's good right?"

"Yeah, it is. Now please don't worry about me. I'm going home to grab some pizza and a beer and put my feet up and watch the game tonight. Make sure you are watching, I'll be checking."

"You could come here and watch it, Mom won't mind."

Adam tried to laugh but it came out a little strained. He was pretty sure he was low on the list of people Kim would want to see right now. "Thanks for the offer Ollie, but really I just need to go home and be by myself. I promise I am not going anywhere, I'm not going to leave you."

"I love you Dad." Kim was watching him talk to his Dad. No matter how angry she was with Adam right now he had knocked it outta the park again with regards to his son. Oliver just seemed to calm down as soon as he spoke to his Dad. How Adam managed it she would never know? That incredible bond they had developed was mesmerizing. She could understand why Adam didn't want to do anything that might put that at risk but she couldn't stop herself from dreaming about what it would be like if he was here all the time, if they were a 'family' in the truest sense.

"Right back at you Ollie. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Kim had no choice but to let him watch the game and the messaging started as soon as the puck dropped. They both needed it. Kim sat with him and Oliver would show her some of his messages and they were all just about the game. It was cute.

That night he only sent her one message, late and well after the game had finished and Oliver had said goodnight.

 _'I'm sorry; I had no right to say that to you. I don't want to hurt you, but I am scared. I am scared of not being able to walk away from you and I just want to be a good Dad to Oliver, I love him Kim. I can't lose him; I don't want to risk my relationship with him just because I can't control myself around you. It wasn't a mistake, it was perfect. I've dreamed of kissing you again since the moment you walked into that café, I dreamed of kissing you one more time everyday for nine years. It was better than my dreams and I can still feel you.'_

How the hell was she supposed to sleep now? Damn it Adam.

 _'I didn't think it was a mistake either. All those nights I sat with your son and dreamt of you, that was exactly what dreamt of, what I craved. That kiss gave me hope.'_

 _"Me too."_


	25. Chapter 25 - What Are You Waiting For?

Everyone had checked to see whether he was coming. The last few weeks he hadn't done big gatherings well, he was not really sure why. Perhaps it was now that life was starting to even out for everyone. The novelty had worn off somewhat and he was starting to get more time to himself and that meant more time to think.

Being in love with someone who you were terrified of being with wasn't helping his anxiety either.

He was also trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life now that he knew that Chicago was where he needed to be. Working in construction was paying the bills and keeping him busy but it was unfulfilling. The last nine years had felt like a waste and he was still doing it. He had been a cop and he had loved it. He never wanted to be anything else and from the time he could talk he had apparently always wanted follow in his father's footsteps and he had. Intelligence had been a dream come true and he could honestly say he loved every single minute of it, right up until his life literally blew up in his face. Now there was no going back.

Kim was adamant that he had to come to Atwater's birthday party and he wouldn't miss it. "I will come and get you."

"I can make my own way to the party." Kim was surprised by the shortness of his answer.

"Okay Adam. What's going on?"

"I'm just tired. Don't worry, I will be fine." He promised to be there but that really didn't answer her question.

A couple of beers in and he was good, or at the very least he was good at pretending. Roaring with laughter at some story Halstead was telling him. Kim watched him curiously. They had settled down and not really talked about the night of the Hockey game other than via messages that first night. Since Christmas they had been on such a rollercoaster, they had some incredible highs and some crushing lows but they were trying. Despite that it was getting to a point where perhaps they had to take a step back and admit that they had a past but not a future.

As always Atwater was the life of the party, his big booming voice drowning out the crowd to get their attention. "I gotta say this year has been pretty damn remarkable. My boys, man they kick our asses daily and we love 'em." He had his arm draped around his wife. Adam really liked her and was glad that Kev had found someone good and honest and who didn't take his shit; she was a force of nature with a heart of gold. "So much so we decided to give it another go." His grin was as big as Christmas. "Only one this time." He patted her stomach.

"But…" he held up his hand to quiet everyone down, the place had erupted with the news. "…and I know I'm headin' to the doghouse for this. But this…" he pointed his beer towards Adam. "..this man, seeing him again has made this the best year of my life. I love you Bro, you have no idea. Seeing you walk through my door again, man that's the sweetest thing ever." Adam raised his beer in thanks and Kim could see that Atwater's words, followed by an intense hug had thrown him way off course.

"Life rarely gives you a second chance and I always believed that you had to do things right the first time. This is one of those rare times when a second chance comes along and man, grab hold of it." He hooked his arm around his buddy's neck and laid a kiss on his head and it was like he was talking only to him. "Because I can tell you, third chances never happen."

As soon at that died down he grabbed his jacket and headed outside into the cold night. He rested elbows on the railing outside and let the bottle of beer hang from his fingertips as he stared out across the dark garden. The noise of the party was filtering through the doors, suddenly it got louder as the door opened and then faded again. He wasn't surprised; they never left him alone for long.

"Hiding again." Platt's voice was the last one he expected to hear.

"Just catching my breath."

"He was pretty lost for a bit." She nodded back towards the house as she leant on the railing beside him. Atwater took Adam's death hard, harder than most and while everyone rallied around Kim he drifted for a while. It was when he was at his lowest he met Joelle and she had pulled him out of his wild decent just in time.

"I'm glad he settled down. Joelle seems good for him. He loves those boys but man are they full on."

"What did you expect, they are Atwater's flesh and blood?" Platt turned her back to the garden and looked back towards the house. "Why don't you just take her upstairs and get it over with?"

Adam laughed, a little painfully. "I've missed you Trudy."

"Pfft, I am pretty sure I was low on your list."

"You'd be surprised. Your teasing let me know I was alive. You kept my ego under control."

Platt nudged him lightly, that was the only acknowledgement he was going to get for that brief admission of affection. "You know that was the worst day of my working life. Knocking on her door, I will never forget the look in her eyes. It haunted me for a long time."

"The day they told me what had gone down, I had no choice." Platt leaned closer because his voice was so small and broken; he was wringing the neck of his beer bottle tightly, the anxiousness seeping out of him. "They had photo's of Kim, they were watching her and I had seen what they did to others. I couldn't let them hurt her, I thought it was better that I did the hurting but then at least she would be alive and have a life. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I put her in danger, but then I learnt that I couldn't really live without her either."

"You made the only choice you could. No one blames you."

"I can't ever repay you for what you did for them both."

"You don't have too. That was a terrible day but there was this little pink line on a stick that shone through all that darkness. It had to be all about that baby, that was what was going to get us all through. And he did. That stupid thing that you two did happened for a reason. Oliver was here for a reason."

"I tortured myself for months. I kept going to Internet Cafés and I would sit there and want to Google her name to see what popped up but I never did. If I'd known about Oliver I don't know what I would have done." He tilted his head back and looked at the sky. "I tried to move on, I really did but I couldn't."

"What's done is done. You can't change the past, as much as I know you want to. All that matters now is that you are here, making up for lost time and making a little boy happier than I have seen him in years. You've also bought Kim back to life."

"I wouldn't be doing so great without her." Not that you could classify what he was feeling right now as great.

"Then what are you waiting for?" Adam knew precisely what Platt was talking about. Why was he waiting, why was he holding her at arms length? Why was he constantly pushing her away when he knew she didn't want him to, when he knew he just wanted to be with her?

"I wish I knew."

"You know, there was always something about you and her, the way you always looked at her even when she was breaking your heart."

"Chaos, mayhem and a shitload of angst?"

"And passion and love and some unbreakable connection, but I don't need to tell you that."

"I don't want to fuck it up again."

"Then don't." She pushed herself off the railing and patted his back. "For what it's worth, I don't think you were the reason it didn't work the first time."

It took Platt a long time to get over that, what did she call it at the time? Betrayal. She felt betrayed by Kim and Roman. When Kim broke it off with Ruzek and wanted to transfer out Platt refused despite seeing how distraught she was. The only time she asked what had happened Burgess told her that Adam didn't want to get married, that he was stringing her along. She wanted to string him up and then Kim had moved on with Roman and she stupidly thought that made her happy. That Adam hadn't made an effort, or so Kim had told her that she had to put him in the past and get on with her life. She had neglected to tell Platt that every time Adam tried to talk to her she ignored him and neither had she been informed that Roman had planted those seeds of doubt in her mind in the first place.

One night, long after she had delivered that crushing news about Adam to Kim she cried in her arms, full of rage and raging pregnancy hormones. Roman had turned up and offered to marry her and take on the baby and Trudy had been surprised by Kim's reaction. "I thought you and Roman ended on a good note, perhaps the feelings are still there."

"The only feelings Roman ever had was for himself." Kim spat at her. "He ruined my relationship with Adam. I was a fool; I let him manipulate me. I don't know if Adam never wanted to get married because I never asked him." She ranted and Trudy just sat back and let her go. "I asked him to push back the wedding, twice because Roman told me to test him. He told me that if Adam didn't want to marry me he would agree to push back the date. I tested him and I was mean and cruel and Roman loved every fucking minute of it. How dare he come back here and pretend that he's all noble and caring, he loved screwing over Adam and I have no idea why. Now he wants to dance on his grave. I don't know why he hated Adam so much."

Kim paused and sat down, rubbing her now slight baby bump, but she wasn't done. "I pushed him away every time he tried to talk to me and Roman kept feeding those insecurities. When Adam lost it at Roman and accused him of trying to get into my pants I was pissed at him and Roman just kept telling me that Adam was the bad guy. I was too busy protecting my own bruised ego to see what was happening."

Platt was gobsmacked but Kim still wasn't finished. "He didn't fight for me. Why didn't he fight for me? He was supposed to want me."

"Maybe because he didn't know what he'd done wrong. You looked happy without him." Kim looked like she was about to explode. "I thought that's what you wanted. I thought you were happy with Roman." It was not lost on Trudy the words Kim was using. She kept calling Adam by his first name but was refusing to use Roman's.

"He told me he loved me probably. Probably? Who the fuck says that? What the fuck does that mean?" Eventually she cried and yelled herself out. "There was no probably with Adam, I felt loved. Why didn't I trust him? Why didn't I talk to him? Why did I hurt him?"

Trudy was at a loss to know what to say, and that didn't happen often. "Well now, you've got the chance to let his child know how much you loved him."

As expected he barely had five minutes alone once Trudy had left him before the door opened again. This time it was welcomed, in fact the moment the hand slipped under his jacket and landed on his back he sighed and leant into her as her head came to rest on his shoulder and he felt somewhat peaceful. Why was she the only one who could calm him? He had to stop relying on her, but that was easier said than done. "Hi."

'Hi, whatcha doin?" She was drawing circles on his back and it was comforting and reassuring.

"Trying to figure out the laws of relativity."

"Ha, you wish." Kim slipped her hand around to his hip as she pulled in a bit closer. "All got too much huh?"

"Atwater's speech." Turning his head slightly he smiled sadly. "That got me. Great news about the baby hey?"

"I think he's pretty jazzed that you'll be here."

Adam dropped his head and Kim knew that he was going to have a battle to keep it together. "Yeah." He was so desperately sad right now and he was struggling. The last few weeks had been hard on everybody. Adam had tried really hard to be there for Oliver and Kim felt helpless as she watched him flounder and she had no idea why.

"It's okay Baby."

Hearing her call him baby was a surprise, for both of them. It had just slipped out, it felt comfortable and the right thing to say and it gave him some hope. He grabbed the hand that was on his hip and let his fingers brush over hers. "I know I should be happy for him, for them and I am, honestly I am. It just makes me sad thinking about what I missed. I think I would have loved to seen you pregnant."

"I doubt that. I was as graceful as a three-legged dog and the size of a whale."

"I've seen the photos, you were beautiful." He stared out into the darkness. "Still are."

Oliver had made his way downstairs. He had been shoved upstairs with the rest of the kids watching movies. They had all fallen asleep and the movie had ended so he went in search of his mother or father. Erin was watching them through the door and she stopped him before he went outside. They needed a moment alone and Oliver asked her if his Dad was sad again.

"Does he still get sad?"

"Sometimes. Mom says we need to help him, I'm trying" Kim had told Erin about he struggled at times with all the attention and there were moments when they needed to back off and let him come to them. Everyone was pushing him to just be the same old Adam and nobody was the same anymore, especially him. He hadn't been in suspended animation he'd had a whole other life forced onto him and now he was back in his old skin and even that wasn't the same anymore. Suddenly he was a father and desperately in love with a woman who he decided wasn't available to him. For nine years he was a nobody and now he was everything to one boy, it was overwhelming but it gave him a reason not to give up, to keep fighting when it would have been easier to just slip beneath the waves.

Erin swallowed the lump in her throat. This kid, man he was special. He'd done it tough for a while but since Adam had been back that boy that they all adored had returned. It hurt to see him so worried about his Dad. She knew that Kim was trying to shield Oliver from the worst of it but she got the feeling he knew anyway. "I know you are helping him. He's always talking about you and how much he loves you."

"Yeah." His face lit up.

"You betcha." She took him back upstairs and helped him pick out another movie. Erin sat with him until he settled into it. "My Dad's going to be okay isn't he Erin?"

"He is Ollie, you just keep doing what you are doing. Promise me that." He promised that he would.

Adam was silent; he was enjoying the feeling of having her close. The last few weeks they'd grown closer again, even enjoying some intense moments when things had almost spilled over. Something always held them back, sometimes it was Adam and other times it was Kim. There were times when the gulf between then couldn't have been any wider and they couldn't see a way across and times they were just content to be alone and not talk and share the same space and some moments left them both breathless.

Like the time Daisy had convinced Adam to take her out. That was a fierce wave.

"Adam is on a date."

"Really?" Erin looked a little shocked. Not only because she was surprised that Adam would go on a date with anyone and also because Kim seemed okay with it.

"With Daisy."

"Ah, makes sense now." She nodded.

"What do you mean?"

"Well you looked calm, I thought you'd be freaking out if he was dating anyone else and I don't think he wants to be with anyone but you." They were sitting by the large window enjoying the warm winter sun that had broken through for a few hours. It was arctic outside but this was perfect.

"Yes, but we are not together so technically he can date if he wants to."

"Yes, yes he can but neither of you wants that to happen. So I call bullshit."

"Yeah okay, I would be jealous. I am jealous in fact. Daisy couldn't wait to go out with Adam today. Both my kids would rather spend time with Adam than me at the moment."

"Oliver loves spending time with both of you, together. Even Jay can see that, and he sees nothing." Erin jumped up from the table and grabbed some more crackers for their cheese plate. It wasn't often they got to sit back and put their feet up and gossip anymore. Jay had taken Grace over to see Will so they had the afternoon free and this was a perfect way to spend it. "Daisy adores him. How cute would they be?"

"They were very cute, trust me. He's taking her to lunch then and indoor playground. I can imagine him climbing all over those slides with her. He's such a big kid."

"How's Oliver coping with that? He still seems worried about being left behind at times."

"He wasn't initially happy about it but Adam convinced him it was good thing because if Daisy loved him that meant he could spend more time at the house and they would be together more often."

"Or you could just start sleeping with him and he'd been around all the time."

"Or not." Kim shut her down with a swift look. People needed to stop nagging them, she knew that Atwater had be chipping away at Adam as well. He had told her how frustrating it was and that it just piled on pressure that he couldn't cope with. She had asked Kevin to back off and thankfully he had.

Daisy could barely sit still long enough to even eat breakfast. Once Kim had told her that Adam was going to take her out for lunch she literally squealed with delight and at one stage, when Adam still hadn't arrived despite it being barely 8am she had grabbed Oliver's phone and asked him to call Adam.

They had spent a good twenty minutes deciding what to wear. She wanted to wear her _'pretty green dress'_

"It's too cold for that Baby."

Her little pout was cute, but ultimately unsuccessful. "But it's pretty. Adam likes it." Although truthfully Adam told her he loved anything Daisy wore so that wasn't going to win Kim over.

"Yes he does but it's cold outside and Adam will be worried about you getting cold." He was constantly freaking out that the kids would get too cold. It was surprising what he worried about. That, she had learnt came about after he had spent a few hours locked outside as a child in a freezing winter. Years ago it never bothered him but a switch had been flipped and now things like this had the ability to send him off the rails. All Kim had to do to prevent it was make sure they had warm clothes. Other times controlling his anxiety wasn't as easy or simple.

They eventually decided on a pair of leggings, her Ugg boots, a white shirt and flowery cardigan. Kim braided her hair and she sat and waited. It had been the longest week of her life and for someone who had little concept of time it was excruciating. Every morning she would ask it today was the day and was always disappointed when Kim said no. Today however, was the day and she was beyond excited. God help them when she actually started dating if this was how she was going to behave.

"Adam."

Daisy had climbed into his lap after dinner. He still came over most Sunday nights for a meal despite the somewhat delicate peace they had going on. "Yes Daisy."

"I want to go with you one day like Oliver."

"Daisy." He cooed. "Are you asking me out of a date?" Daisy giggled as he hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek.

"Can we?"

"If your Mom says it's okay." She climbed down off his lap and ran into the kitchen to find her mother.

"Mom, Adam says yes."

"To what?" she felt like she had missed a whole conversation somehow. However that wasn't completely uncommon lately. When those three got together anything could happen.

"We going out." She grabbed Kim's hand, her excitement spilling out of her face that was lit like Christmas. "It's a date."

"Really?" Well this was news and Kim knew one sure way to crush her daughter was to say no. Why would she want to though? She wanted Adam and her daughter to have a good relationship, they had too if this was going to work.

"Yes." Daisy followed Kim back into the lounge where Adam and Oliver were now playing a video game.

"What's this about a date?"

"You jealous?" He didn't take his eyes off the screen but he did smile.

Kim crossed her arms across her chest and tried to look annoyed while Daisy continued to dance around the room. "Well what do I have to do to get a date?"

Briefly he looked at her and winked. "Sitting on my lap and begging would probably help."

Once Daisy had calmed down and that took a while after they agreed that she could go out with Adam on Saturday Kim did sit in his lap, encouraged by Daisy while Oliver just rolled his eyes. Daisy had obviously been listening to Adam and Kim and told her that if she asked Adam nicely he would have a date with her. "You want me to take you out too?" he asked.

"Yes Please."

"One day, but right now I've already got a date." He pulled her a little tighter into his body, relishing her warmth and weight of her body on his. "You know I am a one woman type of guy."

"Me?" Daisy had a hand on Adam's knee and was jumping up and down. Adam had made her night, not for the first time either.

He leant forward and touched her nose. "Your Mommy will just have to wait her turn."

Adam grabbed Kim's waist as she went to stand up. "Where are you going?" She was starting to get used to his quiet desperate growls. They always sent a shiver up her spine.

"This is not a good idea."

"Oh, I know." Adam slipped a hand down between her thighs and she squirmed a little.

They were desperately fighting a losing battle, yet neither of them wanted to make the first move or run the risk of being rejected so they teetered on the edge and would both pull away at the same time.

"Hey Daisy. How about we tickle your Mom?" He dug his fingers into her waist making her squeal and Daisy joined in as she started squirming and laughing as Adam dumped her on the couch and joined Oliver and Daisy in tickling their Mom.

Eventually they turned the tables, although he gave up pretty quickly and Kim ended up sitting on Adam on the floor while both Oliver and Daisy tickled him. When Kim sent them off to clean their teeth and get ready for bed she didn't move off him. "So you really want to go out on a date?"

"With you, yes." Kim leant forward a little, knowing precisely the effect she was having on him and Adam groaned. His hands were clasped behind his head tightly.

"I will take you out on a date."

"I'd like that."

"Okay. It's a deal." He couldn't keep his hands to himself any longer and ran them up her thighs and then lifted her up off his lap. He needed to few moments to calm himself down before the kids came back. His physical reaction to her was obvious. Once the kids had gone to bed Kim had curled into his side and they watched a movie. It was a painful yet strangely satisfying game they were playing.

The dark of Atwater's backyard had offered some protection from his fragile world but she had stepped into it again. "I love you, you know that right?" The silence was broken and he had taken his finger out of the hole plugging the dyke. He'd said it. It was out there now and he couldn't take it back and he didn't want to. It was the right time but that didn't make it easy. "I'm so in love with you." He felt out of control, everything was spinning so fast.

"I do. Adam, I know." His head sagged and he felt his world crashing down around him again when she didn't tell him what he wanted to hear right away. The silence was painful and he wanted to turn and run but she was holding onto him. "I love you too, Baby. I always did."

She couldn't see his tears in the dark but she knew they were there. "I don't know how to do this."

"Yes you do."

"I love the faith you have in me." The knot that he'd carried in the pit of his stomach for weeks started to loosen. He held onto her hand like he was worried that if he let go she would slip away again.

"I love the faith I have in us." Kim stepped away from him and shivered a little. "Let's get back inside. It's cold out here."

Adam finished off his beer and turned to follow her inside. "You know Platt told me I needed to take you upstairs and get it done." Kim looked over her shoulder and that familiar cheeky smile that she adored had returned.

"Sounds like Platt."

"What would you say?"

Kim didn't answer him she just smiled and tugged on his hand as they headed back to the party.


	26. Chapter 26 - I Haven't Forgotten

Daisy had her tongue hanging out while she was concentrating on getting the scissors to stay on the line. Any chance Daisy got to sit with her mother and do crafty things was a good day in her books. Kim usually loved it, but today she wanted to be anywhere else but sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by a mountain of glitter, stickers, feathers, glue and randomly chopped up pieces of paper. Oliver had decided it was a day for building with his Lego and had locked himself away in his room where Daisy would leave him alone, she loved to help him and he quickly got annoyed with her when she did.

"Mom." Daisy furrowed her brow as she tried to get her mother's attention. "Mom."

"Yes sweetie." It was only when she put her hand on her arm that Kim realised that she had been speaking to her.

"I'm hungry. Can we have lunch?"

Kim looked at the clock on the wall and was surprised that it was almost one. Well past lunchtime, but they had eaten breakfast late so it was no surprise. Shuffling aside a pile of papers she made her a sandwich and cut up some apple and did her best to focus on listening to Daisy while she ate her lunch.

She picked up the phone for the hundredth time and apart from a message from her sister she had nothing.

Last night he had told her that he'd call. He had walked her to her car, carrying Daisy for her who had been completely wiped out. He was so gentle with her and Kim loved the way he had taken the time to get to know her and Daisy had quickly fallen under his spell. When he had bought her home from their date she had been so excited and had clung to Adam for the rest of the day. Steve hadn't loved the news that Daisy had been out with him but Kim just ignored it and didn't even bother to tell Adam about it.

After putting her in the car he let Kim buckle her in while he made his way around to the other side and talked to Ollie. He promised that he hadn't forgotten about his assembly on Friday. Then waited and closed the door as Kim got in. "Be safe and I'll talk to you tomorrow." He squeezed her hand. "We'll get there." She'd had so much hope. He'd turned her world upside down last night and now he was MIA. She always got an early morning message from him, as did Oliver and today they had nothing.

"Hey." He croaked. Kim had finally given up waiting for him to call. She had admonished herself for acting like a schoolgirl; this was ridiculous behaviour for a fully-grown adult. She wasn't this pathetic when she had a crush on Jimmy Cramer in 9th Grade.

"Wow, you sound rough?"

"I am very rough." He sat up and took a quick look at the clock on his phone and lay back down just as quickly when his head felt like it was going to explode. It was well after lunchtime and he'd been out cold for the last six hours.

"Good night after I left then?"

"You could say that. I got home as the sun was coming up." Slowly he forced himself out of bed.

"So I woke you up?"

He just grunted and she could hear that he was moving about and listening to the tap running she assumed he was getting some water. He was a big one for hydration after drinking, annoyingly so at times. "What do I owe the pleasure of this call? You were freaked out weren't you?"

"No." When he said nothing eventually she filled the silence. "A little bit."

"I haven't forgotten."

"Or changed your mind?"

"I haven't forgotten or changed my mind." He muttered finding that talking was almost physically impossible.

As soon as he walked back into the party the shots were lined up. He slipped on the old Adam Ruzek mask and picked up the glass. As the days went on that mask and his old skin was getting easier to wear.

"So Kim?" Halstead had basically asked what everyone else was thinking before he had even swallowed his first mouthful.

He shook his head as the amber liquid stung his throat and burned it's way down to his gut. "What about Kim?"

"You and her?"

"We are not sleeping together. We are just working through a lot of shit. Mainly my shit and then there is Oliver, that's my focus, it has to be." He'd made it very clear from the start that Oliver was all that mattered but as they settled into that rhythm it was getting harder to separate the two. It was getting harder to stay away.

"So things are okay?"

"I guess." He shrugged and slammed down another shot. "She's got enough going on with her ex. I don't need to complicate that anymore than it is."

Steve hadn't got any easier to deal with. He had threatened to take Daisy away from her, knowing full well he didn't stand a chance and so did Kim so she never took it seriously. Talking to his parents had eased her mind somewhat and they did admit that he left her with them a lot of the time on the weekends and they kept a close eye on him when she was around. She did contemplate pulling the pin on that arrangement but Mary and George would be devastated.

But he had just complicated it, big time. They'd spent another hour or so together at the party, close enough to feel each other's presence. The odd touch, smile or quietly spoken word but that was it. They were under scrutiny, every set of eyes in the place was watching their every move and that was pressure that was not needed.

"Are you still coming for dinner tonight?" Kim asked suddenly.

"Sure." He didn't exactly sound enthusiastic and Kim picked up on it. Perhaps she was a little hypersensitive at the moment.

"Don't sound so excited?"

Adam sighed, rubbing his forehead slowly. "Kim. I've just woken up, I've got a hangover that would kill a horse and I need to take a leak. I'll see you tonight." He hung up abruptly.

Adam threw down his phone and gripped the edge of the bench, letting his head sag. "Fuck." He growled to himself. He'd taken the lid off and now there was no way he was getting this genie back in the bottle. He had to pump the brakes; he needed to slow this train down but they had been hurtling down this track for weeks now.

Unfortunately he couldn't help himself. Controlling himself as far as Kim was concerned was like attempting to hold back the tide. He was tired of fighting it and perhaps it was time give in and just go with the flow.

Kim was standing in the kitchen dishing up dinner. She asked Oliver and Daisy to go wash up and Adam came and stood behind her, trapping her against the bench with his body pressed into hers and his hands holding her hips steady, he let his fingers find their way under her shirt and she jumped when they grazed her bare skin. "Need some help?" Kim could barely stay upright. It had been awkward when he first arrived, very much like when you were a teenager and your first ever date showed up at the house. Fortunately Daisy had thrown herself at Adam and he went off with her in search of Oliver, which allowed Kim to disappear into the kitchen and try and calm her nerves. She was doing fine until now, now that he was so close yet still so far away. They had so much to talk about and waiting for that opportunity was god damn painful.

"Umm, you could see if the kids are ready for dinner."

"Smells good." His breath tickled the back of her neck. "So do you."

"Adam, go." She pushed him away with her hip.

Once dinner was done Adam insisted on Kim putting her feet up while they all organised dessert. While the kids scooted through to the kitchen Adam stayed behind of a minute. Crouching down in front of her he beckoned her to lean forward and kissed her softly on the cheek before smiling smugly and leaving her frustrated and besotted.

All Kim could hear from the kitchen was a lot of laughing and carrying on and dishes crashing about. She had missed this, the absolute joy she got from hearing her children happy. She wanted to be in there with them but she had been banished on the threat of death by tickling and Daisy had been very stern when she told her to stay put.

Daisy came bouncing in carrying a bowl of ice cream covered with sprinkles and M&M's. "Where's my Gummy Bears?" She asked after thanking Daisy for her sundae, she had always loved Gummy Bears and never had a sundae without them. Everyone had their favourites. Daisy loved sprinkles, Oliver loved M & M's and Adam had everything.

Daisy looked like she was about to burst, she even put her hands over her mouth to try and stop herself talking to little avail. She looked at Adam and Oliver and they just shrugged. "Adam hid them." She blurted out before she clapped her hands back over her mouth.

Adam and Oliver both rolled their eyes. It was precisely what they expected to happen, as soon as you told Daisy it was a secret she was bound to let it slip, she just couldn't stop herself. "You hid my Gummy Bears?" Adam and Oliver both shook their heads, looking innocent but they shared that same cheeky grin that she adored.

"They are in his pocket." Adam laughed at Daisy, it had lasted less than three minutes. She was literally jumping up and down in front of Kim unable to control herself. The joy in this house at the moment was perfect; it had been a long time since her home felt this light. Laughing happy children were like a drug, she was addicted to it and the fact that Adam was leading them was the icing on the cake.

"Oh, you wanted Gummy Bears on your sundae? Why didn't you say?" Kim was really hoping her children were completely oblivious to his blatant flirting and the insane sexual tension that was filling the room. "Come and get them." Holding his hands out wide he issued her a challenge and was a little surprised when she jumped up from the couch and approached him with a look that he hadn't seen in many a year, a look that suddenly had him feeling all hot and sweaty. If this was pumping the brakes he wasn't very good at it. This was crazy and unbelievably hot and sexy and an unstoppable force.

Oliver and Daisy were too busy shoving ice cream down their throats to care what was going on with them. Kim kept her eyes trained on his face as she slipped a hand into the pocket of his jeans. Holding herself steady with one hand on his chest, her fingers just catching the skin of this throat as Adam sucked in a deep breath "Do you know what you are looking for?" He knew he was playing with fire the moment he stuck them in his pocket.

"Ummm. My Gummy Bears."

Adam leant closer and his breath hot as he growled in her ear, his voice dripping with need. "That's not a Gummy Bear."

"Oh, I know." It seemed like all bets were off at this stage.

Kim suddenly pulled her hand away and he laughed, a little painfully. He shook it off and sat down beside the kids and grabbed his sundae. "It's melting, you might want to get down here and join us." Tugging on her hand Kim joined them on the floor and they continued their little dance as they watched each other eat their sundaes until they were both pulled into the kid's world again.

"Got anymore Gummy Bears for me?" Kim shoved her hands in her pockets so that he wouldn't see how much they were shaking and leant on the doorway to the kitchen. Adam was finishing off the dishes and the sight of him standing at her sink looking like he belonged made her heart beat just a little bit faster. She had put the kids to bed, read Daisy a story and talked to Oliver for a bit. He was happy that Adam seemed better today and so was she. He was so desperate to help his father it sometimes took Kim's breath away at how far they had come and how quickly their relationship had developed.

He didn't even turn his head. "Come and find out."

Adam glanced over his shoulder as she approached and took a deep breath as she slipped her hands into his front pockets. The whole house, the whole world seemed to just stop in that moment. "Adam."

"Yes. Baby." His body reacted to her touch almost instantaneously; neither of them could miss it.

"There are no Gummy Bears in your pockets."

"No, but I do have something for you."

"Oh I can feel that."

Adam took the gloves off and pulled her hands out of his pockets and turned to face her. He dug his fingers into her hips and pulled her flush against his body, he had no idea how he was going to stop this train, or if he even wanted to. "Thanks for dinner."

"That's really what you want to say. Thanks for dinner?"

"No." He slipped his hands into the back pockets of her jeans and made sure there was not a skerrick of space between their bodies.

"Mommy." Kim jumped a little at the sound of Daisy's voice. Adam let her go and he turned back to the sink. He rested his hands on the bench and tried to let his breathing return to normal and his body relax, which was easier said than done. His body wasn't co-operating and it was a very uncomfortable few minutes.

"What's wrong Daisy?" Adam could hear the frustration in her voice and he was glad it wasn't just him that was feeling it.

"I feel sick. I need a bucket." It was a pity that she waited just that little bit too long because no sooner had Daisy asked for a bucket she started gagging and Kim had just enough time to grab a pot that Adam had just washed and catch the contents of Daisy's stomach. Kim rubbed her back while she finished and then cuddled her as she dissolved into tears.

"Oh baby. Too much ice-cream and excitement for you I think."

"Can I do anything?" Adam was hoping she said no, because he was a little horrified. It had certainly sucked all the sexual tension out of the room. It was like having your mother walk in on you when you were sixteen and about to finally nail your first girlfriend. That killed it dead, just as the vomiting four year old had just done. He guessed this was the nasty side of parenting that no one ever talked about. The un-fun side that he hadn't had the pleasure of experiencing just yet. Kim kept telling him that being a parent wasn't all sunshine and roses and he had just found out that sometimes those roses had bloody big thorns. Daisy's timing was impeccable.

"No, it's fine." She handed him the pot and he looked mortified and even gagged a little at its contents. "I'll take her up to bed. Can you just grab me a bucket from the laundry?" He took it up to her room and stood and watched as Kim settled her into bed, stroking her hair softly but when Daisy started gagging again he was out the door and back downstairs like a rat up a drainpipe, leaving her to it.

By the time Kim came back down Adam was asleep in the lounge. "Hey." Leaning over the back of the couch she ran her hand through his hair. "You should go, you're tired. My night has taken a turn for the worse."

"How's Daisy?"

"Asleep in my bed."

"Lucky girl." He pushed himself up and stopped beside her and ran his thumb across her lips before kissing her passionately, so much so he left her gasping for air. And then he left.

He must have barely got home when he sent her a message. _'Do you know how much my whole body is aching for you? Do you know how much my heart, my precious heart is beating for you? Do you know how much I love you?'_

He also added _'PS – I hope Daisy is okay? Call me if you need me to wash any pots for you.'_

 ** _A/N: Daisy's timing was a little off…._**


	27. Chapter 27 - Little Buggers Are Hard

Kim was surprised to see Atwater, Halstead and Jonas all crowded around her desk looking at a box that was sitting in the middle of it. "What are you doing?"

"Wondering what this is?" Kevin picked up the box and shook it, obviously trying to work out what was in it. If she hadn't turned up he probably would have opened it and claimed he was doing it for her own safety. "I think it might be empty." He bobbed his hand up and down indicating that it was light.

Kim grabbed it from him. "I think it is addressed to me." She flashed them the name on the top of the box. Neatly typed so that gave no clues but she knew, without even opening it who it was from. She waited until they had finally given up and went back to their own desks before she opened it although they were still watching her, peering at her over their computer screens.

Peeking inside the box she found an empty packet of Gummy Bears and a note. ' _Wonder where they are hiding?'_ and she blushed a little.

"Care to share?" Kevin was now sitting on the edge of his desk flat out staring at her. If he had to take a guess at who it was from he would have bet his house on it being from Ruzek. Those two just couldn't help themselves and it was written all over each of their faces every time they were in the same room together, and now even when they weren't.

"Not really." She slid it into her desk drawer as Antonio came out of his office. That had always meant one thing, they had a case and Kim was relieved because it gave her a chance to compose herself and focus.

Finding a moment to send him a message without Kevin's eagle eyes on her took a while. ' _Should I send out a search party?'_

 _'Please do, I only hope its as thorough as the one the other night.'_

Kim had spent yesterday at home with Daisy. She had only vomited once more that night but she preferred to stay at home with her. Antonio was pretty good with that as long as she got some paperwork done, they didn't always need to be in the Bullpen if they didn't have an active case going. She had talked to Adam, he called first thing to see how Daisy was but they didn't talk about what Daisy's ill-timed spew had interrupted.

Catching up during the week was pretty rare. Kim's hours were erratic at best and one thing she didn't want was for this to be a rushed moment and she didn't want to make plans that she may not be able to keep, that would just be frustrating. Man, it was going to be a long week though.

The next morning her phone buzzed with a message. Of course he waited until he knew she would be at work. The photo of a Gummy Bear sticking out of the top of his jean's pocket certainly made her tingle in anticipation, she was loving the way his mind was working. He had far too much time on his hands though and idle hands were dangerous.

By the third morning everyone was starting to notice. She never did have a very good poker face as far Adam was concerned and she would snatch at her phone and then spend the next hour grinning like an idiot. Thursday's instalment was Gummy Bears on his pillow. Kim replied. _'They look lonely?'_

 _'They are, so lonely in fact they just told me that their little bodies are aching.'_

On Friday her phone started buzzing a little after six reluctantly pulling her from her sleep. Groaning as she reached for it she hoped like hell it wasn't because something had jumped off because she was actually looking forward to Oliver's Assembly, probably because it meant seeing Adam, she had missed him. She smiled when she saw it was from him. It was a photo of Gummy Bears lined up on his bare stomach. _'They are waiting for you.'_

 _'Oh good lord Adam, stop.'_

 _'You don't mean that.'_

 _'Suddenly I feel like Gummy bears for breakfast.'_

 _'How long until you can get here?'_

That was so not happening. There were a lot of upsides to having children, but there were also definitely some downsides and not being able to drop everything on a whim was one of them. Kim hauled herself out of bed and into the shower before getting Oliver and Daisy up and ready for school.

She didn't see him until he arrived at Oliver's school for his assembly and grabbed her hand. "Hey." Finally most of the other mother's at the school had stopped with the gawking and gossiping. Not that Steve had been around all that much for a couple of years but Adam's sudden appearance had definitely caused a stir. Was she having an affair? Who was he? Where was her husband? Eventually it had got around that he was Oliver's real father and that started a whole other round of gossip. He'd been in jail? He'd run off with another woman? Or she had kept Oliver a secret from him for all his life?

"You've had a busy week I see?"

"Being creative takes a lot of time and energy. It's not easy getting the lighting right and those little buggers are hard to get to stand upright."

As they took their seats Kim made sure she kept a tight grip on his hand. Along with being close to Adam this made her happy. She was happy that he just kept doing the things he promised to do; he was always there for Oliver. Perhaps they were closer now than they had even been, she wished that they hadn't had to go through all the years of pain to get here, but here they were. When there was a break in the Assembly she leaned over and whispered, "Hold out you hand."

He did as he was told and reaching into her pocket she grabbed a handful of Gummy Bears and placed them in his hand as her eyes twinkled. This was so not the place to getting their flirt on, but self-control had long been thrown out the window. His eyes never left her face as he placed one in his mouth and then licked his lips. Kim just about died on the spot. Damn him.

Walking back to her car Adam slipped his hand into hers. "I've missed you this week. More than usual."

"It's been a long week that's for sure."

"Are you coming over tonight? Daisy's being picked up in the morning. Steve's apparently got something on and his parents are busy too."

"I've got that birthday dinner for Craig at work. I agreed weeks ago." He really wanted to back out but he hated it when people did that at the last minute and knew that Craig's wife had gone to a lot of time and effort.

"Bad timing."

Before they could go any further her phone rang. She sighed as she held it up and showed Atwater's name. "Speaking of bad timing." Adam held the door open as she climbed into her car. "Let's do something with Oliver tomorrow."

Kim nodded as she answered her phone. It was hard to focus on what Atwater was telling her as she watched him walk away. God, they needed to sort this out. This was killing her.

"So?" Erin bought them over both a coffee and slid into the bench seat opposite her friend. Friday lunchtime coffees were always appreciated and it had almost become a bit of a ritual and part of her initial recovery process and they had just continued on with it as often as possible. "What's going on?"

"Daisy started the week by vomiting in my bed so that was a great few days, she's all good now though and Oliver and I managed to avoid it." It had surprised her how a dose of a stomach bug could wreak havoc on a household. If one went down it was a steady procession through the rest of the house and there was nothing worse than dealing with a sick child when you felt just as hideous. "How's Gracie? We need to get them together soon."

"She's good. She's been asking about a play date with Daisy." Erin winked. "What's going on with Adam? He's been making you all giddy apparently."

Kim felt a blush creep up on her and she looked at her coffee cup. "He's just been a bit flirty this week."

"Really?" Kim's blush increased when Erin tilted her head and raised her eyebrows.

"I think we've both realised that we can't stay away from each other much longer."

That much was obvious and it kept smacking them in the face like the night Daisy had scammed her date, the gummy bear carry on last week and the day he caught Kim wrapped just in a towel. Kim had just stepped out of the shower when she heard glass shattering. Grabbing a towel she bolted down the stairs and stopped on a dime when she found Adam in her kitchen, crouching down picking up pieces of a broken glass.

"Oh." She pulled the towel closer around her body.

His eyes just about bugged out of his head and Kim blushed when he didn't look away. "Sorry." Adam stuttered. "Ollie let me in, I dropped this." He held up the bits of broken glass. Kim took a step towards the table, wincing as a piece of glass stabbed her foot.

Adam was speechless. She was standing there with her wet hair and a towel barely covering her and he didn't know what to do, all he wanted to do was look and touch and to feel her again. She hobbled towards the chair and sat down to look at her bleeding foot.

"Sit still." He eventually moved and grabbed some paper towel and lifted her foot into his lap. Kim had to laugh at how focussed he was on the tiny sliver of glass.

It was hard to breathe; suddenly there was not a lot of air in the room. She was practically naked, her foot was in his lap and he could see up her leg and the towel was leaving little to his imagination. Once he had successfully retrieved the glass he lifted her foot slightly and kissed it but his eyes were wandering and Kim noticed and suddenly felt flustered.

As soon as he let her go she bolted upstairs and came back down dressed minutes later. He was standing by the door with Oliver ready to go and they both could barely look at each other. Later that night he sent her a message. _'My heart, oh my fragile heart.'_ Cryptic, sweet and she was completely in love with him.

Erin leant across the table and stared straight at her. "And that's what you want?"

"Oh god yes." She couldn't have sounded any more desperate if she tried and Erin just laughed.

"Then go for it."

"Easier said than done. Daisy's volcanic ice cream spew stopped it dead in it's tracks last weekend. It's just finding the time alone." Kim flopped back against the bench. Sexual frustration was fun for a little while but it was starting to hurt. "I can't just dump my kids because I am desperate to have sex."

"Kim, if everyone who wants you and Adam to sort your shit out took them for a night you wouldn't see them for a month."

"Okay." She was a little embarrassed. They knew everyone had been talking about them and their attempts to keep things under the radar had failed dismally.

Erin felt like she had to broach one more subject though. "Except Steve, not sure he'd been keen." The pained look on Kim's face was hard to miss. Everyone, bar the stray dog on the corner knew that Adam and Kim belonged together, it had been a long and arduous road they had travelled and if anyone deserved happiness it was these two but it had to be for the right reasons. "Are you sure that's done?"

"Yes, oh god Erin, Yes." Kim was quick to respond. "Erin that was done before I knew Adam was alive."

"It seemed a bit sudden. I mean I knew you were having some pretty big issues with his drinking. Hell I know all about that, but it just seemed to snap one day."

For others it probably did seem that way because she had never explained the real reasons why she had finally made the decision to end her marriage. It was the moment that made her face the reality that it just wasn't there anymore and hadn't been for a while, what was the point of pretending and trying to hold it all together. "He hit Oliver."

"What? When?" Kim initially found it hard to believe that Steve would do that and judging by the look on Erin's face she found it almost impossible too. "Kim, why didn't you tell me?"

Her head sagged a little; it killed her to admit it. "I couldn't I was ashamed. I'd let Oliver down and Oliver begged me not to tell anyone, he just wanted it to go away. At that moment though I knew it was over."

"Does Adam know? I am guessing that's why he punched him out?"

"He does. Ollie told him that night he had to go get him. Needless to say he was furious and he refuses to let him near Ollie. Can't say I blame him." Kim broke the cookie on her plate into smaller pieces.

"What does Steve think about that, about not seeing Oliver?"

"Doesn't matter, does it? He is not that interested in Oliver anymore." Despite the fact that Oliver had absolutely blossomed with Adam around it still hurt Kim that the man she married, the one who told her that he loved her son like he was his own was so quick to wipe his hands of him.

"What about Daisy?"

"He adores Daisy and I would never take her away from him. I don't think he would ever hurt her but he's not exactly stable at the moment and I do worry about her with him. His parent's are great though, they spend a lot of time with her and they are keeping an eye on her."

Kim wiped her hands on the napkin and pushed her plate away, her cookie uneaten. "He got a little more aggressive with me which caused the fight with Adam and but things have settled down a fair bit. Adam lost it when he bought Ollie home after Hank's Christmas lunch and Steve was threatening me, he had gone to hit Oliver on Christmas Day and Adam was livid. Things got pretty bad pretty quickly. I couldn't blame him though he just wants to protect Oliver."

"Wow, I thought I was in a mess."

"I know right."

"But you can do one thing to make something right." Erin smiled a little too cheekily. "Let us have the kids for the weekend."

"Daisy is with Steve this weekend."

"Great, then Jay and Oliver can hang out." Jay had always loved spending some time with Oliver, he liked the testosterone hit it gave him, although you'd think he'd have enough of that at work but apparently not. He'd always spent time with Oliver and when Adam came back and it didn't happen as often, for obvious reasons and he'd missed it.

"Are you sure?" Kim was suddenly beset with excitement while also being riddled with nerves. It wasn't supposed to be this hard nor was it supposed to be planned and plotted with military like precision. However if this was the way it had to be then so be it.

Erin looked as frustrated as Kim felt. "Kim, for the love of god. Go and have sex with Adam."


	28. Chapter 28 Is A Dream A Lie

Kim suddenly felt out of breath. Adam opened the door shirtless and by the look of him he had just crawled out of bed and had barely managed to button up his jeans. "Good Morning." She almost choked on the words. One thing Adam had done while he had been away was learn that exercise was a release and a time when he could slip into his old self and it showed. Right now, Kim could appreciate that he had Abs that she had never seen before and it made her weak at the knees. Another surprise was that he now had a tattoo down his left side, running from just above his hip to under his arm and her fingers tingled at the thought of touching it.

"It is now." He roughly ran his hand through his hair before taking the hastily proffered coffee. Kim almost dropped it when his hand brushed against hers. She was flustered. He leant out the door and looked up the hallway. "Where's Ollie?" He wasn't expecting to see her quite so early and they hadn't made hard and fast plans for the day but he knew that at some point they would meet up. The weekends when Daisy was away they always spent together with Oliver.

"Rock climbing with Jay." He stepped aside and let her in. Kim had been here a few times. Once before he moved in when he had asked her to come and look at it. He wanted her to like it if Oliver would be spending time here. She'd been at work that day and only had a few minutes and since he'd leased the place they had been over a few times for dinner or Kim had picked up Ollie or dropped him off but they had never really spent any time here alone.

"That would have been cool."

"Ollie loves it, you should take him one day." Kim, having regained her composure dropped a bag on the kitchen bench. "I bought you breakfast." He watched her, completely infatuated as she shrugged out of her coat. She smiled as she looked at his fridge, right beside the photos of Adam and Ollie was a photo of him and Daisy and the picture she promised to make him after Christmas and the one she had given him the night of the hockey game. He had taken a photo of it on his fridge and sent it to Kim to show Daisy just so she knew that he got it. That had made her day.

His eyes roamed up and down her body and he took in loose mid thigh dress and her favourite biker boots; Kim had never been one to dress up unless it was for a reason. She liked to be comfortable and he found that very addictive and he was now thinking how quickly he could get that off. Probably the exact reason she was wearing it, or that's what he liked to think as they were way past playing with fire with the flirting, it was out and out raw sexual tension now. Some may call it foreplay.

Suddenly Kim felt him standing behind her and when she turned around to face him he took a step closer and pushed her up against the bench with his hips. "Thanks for breakfast." He reached past her and grabbed the bag and whistled as he pulled out a breakfast burrito.

He could see that he was definitely having an effect on her; her breathing started to deepen as his half naked body pressed against her and she had no idea what to do with her hands so they just gripped the edge of the bench to steady herself. "I thought you might have a hangover. How was the party?"

"I couldn't stop thinking about you." He took a bite of his burrito and offered her one, which she refused and he dropped it back onto the bench. He brushed his hand up her leg, stopping just underneath the hem of her dress and she jumped a little. "What time do we have to get Ollie?"

"Tomorrow."

He was suddenly quiet and that unnerved her but he didn't move away. Running one hand up his left side she tried to move a little so she could see what the tattoo said but that bought about some friction between their bodies that was undeniable, Kim could feel it and Adam was doing his best to endure it. It was just words but she couldn't make it out. "What does it say?" she asked, touching it. She never really liked tattoos and could never understand why people covered themselves in ink. This, she thought at least wasn't offensive or in your face and it was on his body and that body was beautiful.

"It says Is a dream a lie if it don't come true _."_ He looked down at Kim's hand running up and down his side. "The full line is _'Is a dream a lie if it don't come true or is it something worse._ ' He wasn't sure if it was the touch of her hand on his skin or sharing those words with her that was making him feel so at sea. That tattoo, he'd got that not long after he was ripped out of his life and the words meant a lot at the time. Because he dreamt of her and it never came true and that was definitely worse than a lie.

"That's nice."

"Lucky my dreams have come true now." His fingers were still running lightly up and down her thigh and Kim found it hard to focus.

"What did you dream about?"

"Seeing you one more time."

She slipped her hand down his back and ran her fingers along the inner edge of the waistband of his jeans and suddenly he was breathing as heavy as she was. His skin was on fire where she was touching him. "I'm scared." His voice was so quiet.

"Of what?"

"That it won't be the same, that for all this time I've imagined what it would be like and that I'll disappoint you."

"Adam."

"I'm scared that you'll realise that you don't love me anymore. That what we had is gone." Adam buried his head into her chest and she could feel years of anticipation and desire trying to fight it's way free, he wrapped his arms tightly around her waist and held on for dear life. Kim ran her hands up and down his back and they stood quietly for a moment.

"Adam, baby. Look at me." She waited until he lifted his head and the pain in his eyes took her breath away. "When are you going to realise that I never stopped loving you, not once?"

She kissed him; when he didn't look like he was going to do anything she grabbed hold of his face and kissed him. Long and slow. "Adam, we need to decide, right now what we are. Are we just going to be Oliver's parents or are we going to have it all? I can't do this dance anymore. I want it all." Kim ran her hand along his tattoo. "All or nothing Adam. The dream or the lie."

"You, I want you. I want it all." He smashed his lips into hers; shocking them both with the intensity before puling away just as suddenly and taking her by the hand he silently led her down the small hallway to his bedroom. He had dreamt of this moment for nine long years and craved it for the last six months. He wanted her right now before anyone or anything had the chance to take it away from him again but he wanted it to last all day and to savour every single second.

Kneeling down before her he unbuckled her boots and then kissed his way up her legs as she kicked them off while his hands ran up her legs and under her dress as he lifted it over her head and dropped it on the floor. Finally feeling her skin against his as he pulled her in for a long deep kiss made all his muscles sing.

"Oh God Baby." He was muttering against her skin in between kisses. Kim pushed him back onto the bed and tugged off his jeans while his eyes never left her face. "I've missed you."

"Adam. Show me why I could never shake you. Love me." He pulled her down on top of him and let go of everything. The only thing that existed right now was them together, finally completely and totally.

Kim was lying on her stomach, her head turned towards Adam who was propped up on one elbow watching her. He was running his hand up and down her back, letting his fingers work their magic, feeling every dip and bump and curve. "You know I used to bargain with myself that if I could have you one more time I would be happy. I could walk away."

Tears pricked at Kim's eyes and she closed them so he wouldn't see. Was he really doing this? Was this enough for him? It couldn't be, not after that. She felt him shift and he was now lying down, his face just inches from hers. "Hey." Kim slowly opened her eyes and was surprised to see the tears in his. "I was lying to myself. One more time was never going to be enough."

"I don't want this to be all we have." All the emotion finally spilled out. Adam pulled her against his chest.

"It's not Baby, Kim it's not. Please don't cry." He was kissing her, pulling her tighter into him. "This is just the beginning. It's our turn, it's our time."

"Do you really think so?"

"I do, I want this to be our turn and I know we can get it right."

"This is complicated isn't it?"

"Well, right here and now nothing is complicated. It's just you and me together, thankfully and finally naked in a blissful post coital haze." He liked that he made her smile through her tears. "Outside these walls, yes things are a little complicated but not insurmountable, we've dealt with bigger."

"And that doesn't scare you?"

"No. I hope we are smart enough to realise that we've done all that other shit. We've been together and apart. When were you happiest?" Adam had propped himself up on one elbow again and now his fingers were drifting over her collarbone. "Honestly."

"My kids make me happy, they are my whole world but that is a different kind of happy." Kim never averted her eyes; she never needed to do that with him. She had always been able to handle his intensity. "But in my heart I was happy those few years I was with you, right up until I convinced myself I wasn't happy."

He put a finger on her lips to stop her talking. "We were happy then, we were never unhappy. Its time we lived that life again."

"I'd like that." Kim pushed on his hip and climbed on top as he rolled onto his back.

"We're back Baby, Burzek is back."

"Burzek?" Kim cocked her head to one side, both her hands resting on his bare chest. The feeling of his skin beneath her hands was intoxicating and she couldn't stop them moving even if she wanted to. It was time for her to explore every inch of him again and she enjoyed feeling his body respond to the proximity of hers. They just fit together; no one else had ever fitted her like Adam did, emotionally or physically.

"You know Burgess and Ruzek, kinda like Brangelina but with a few less children and a much, much better ending."

"Ha, you're an idiot."

"Yes, yes I am but you love me right?" Every so often his vulnerability pushed through his bravado and she found it endearing and utterly heartbreaking. He was chewing on the corner of his lip waiting for her to say something. Kim leant forward, sucking on that lower lip that was shaking just a little.

"I love you so much Adam. You are so deep within my soul, you always have been."

"I feel real again." And he did, he felt like he was complete again, that this long painful journey was almost over.

"I do have one disappointment though." Kim smiled down at him as his hands were exploring her, making her tingle with anticipation again. Adam looked a little hurt; it flitted across his face. "We shouldn't have waited so long. We've wasted six months. I should have jumped your bones that day in the Café."

He flipped her over onto her back and she yelped. "If I'd known that I would have so hit on you months ago."

They eventually rolled out of bed, not that it was easy. They did make it into the shower briefly and then ended back in bed again. Hunger eventually got them up. Adam hunted around in the fridge for something to eat and Kim was surprised when he came out with an armful of food and proceeded to cook her bacon, eggs and tomato's. "You need the protein for energy."

He looked over at her wearing his t-shirt and a pair of his boxers, sitting at the table flicking through a bike magazine on his table. "You look good here." Today he felt good, he felt like he belonged in this world again.

"You look good in the kitchen making me lunch."

Adam picked up her phone when it rang as she disappeared into the bathroom. "Hey Bud. How was rock climbing?"

"Good. I beat Jay to the top."

"You are my champion."

"Where's Mom?" Erin smiled when she heard Ollie ask that question. She hoped that meant that they were together, finally.

"She's coming. We are just having some lunch."

Kim was surprised to see him talking on her phone when she came back. A flutter of panic rippled through her. They hadn't talked about this yet, what they were going to tell the kids, tell Oliver or even their friends and of course Steve. That discussion had yet to be had, Adam had asked that they put that off just for today. He wanted to enjoy this day and tomorrow they would face the reality of the situation they were in. "Here she is, I'll talk to you later okay."

He handed Kim her phone and listened as she chatted away to Oliver. "How about I get your Dad to come and get you tomorrow and we can do something?"

"Tomorrow?" He sounded disappointed.

"Yeah, you can stay with Jay and Erin tonight?" Kim reassured him "Dad's got a few things on today."

"So, I've got a few things on?" Adam smirked as he bought her over her plate. She had to admit it smelt good and she was absolutely starving despite initially protesting about getting out of bed.

"I hope so."

Leaning over her shoulder to look at the magazine he slipped the thin material of the T-shirt aside and kissed her neck. "You know I would love to see you on that." He pointed to the picture of the bike in the magazine she was still flicking through. "Wearing just that lingerie you had on earlier. That would get my motor running."

"Not sure you need any help in that department."

"True." He tapped the photo. "You would look hot though."

"I doubt you even remember what I was wearing."

"Green lace and it was very sexy." Tickling her neck with his fingers before he sat down.

Kim was surprised; he'd taken very little time to get them off her. "I'm impressed."

"Must be those long forgotten Detective skills, it's all in the details Darlin'." He shoved a piece of bacon in his mouth as he winked at her. He had called her Darlin', for the first time in years and Kim's heart melted.

"Sadly for you it will always remain a fantasy."

They ate in comfortable silence until Adam pushed his plate away and declared. "I want to take you out for dinner. I think it's time for our date."

"Really?"

"Yep, I want to you get all dressed up all hot and sexy as hell. I want to wine you and dine you and flirt with you until you can barely breathe and then come back here and do something that I have dreamt of doing for years."

"Such as?" A few well-chosen words had her heart racing again. Pushing himself up out of his seat he bought his face close to her ear, he could feel her breathing start to deepen and he whispered quietly.

"I want to wake up in the morning with you naked in my bed, safely in my arms. Where you have always belonged."

"Oh." It came out as a small contented sigh as he pressed his lips to the tender spot just behind her ear. He pulled her up out of the chair, picked her up and carried her back to the bedroom. He may have wanted to take her out tonight but they had all day to get through first.

Even when Kim tried to leave to go home and get dressed for dinner, at Adam's insistence it took two attempts to get out the door. And as soon as she left he sat down and tried to organise his thoughts. This was what he wanted, from the moment he saw her again he wanted this and so far it had been perfect.

What awaited them when they faced the real world again was yet to be seen. They had a lot to talk about but not tonight. Tonight was all about loving her again.

He waited, nervously. He checked his phone again and again hoping that he wasn't about to get a message that she wasn't coming, that she had changed her mind or that the reality of what they were doing scared her.

Then he saw her and it took his breath away. Her dress left little to the imagination although he didn't have to try and remember anymore as he had spent most of the day getting reacquainted with every inch of her body. He wasn't disappointed, not in the slightest.

"Hey, Wow." He held out his hand for her to take and let his eyes roam up and down her body. The tight red dress that clung to every single curve, her lean legs elongated by her delicate high heeled shoes and her hair tied up away from her face. While her shoulders were bare, around her neck was the necklace he had bought her for Christmas, but it wasn't that though that took his breath away. It was her smile; it reached the very corners of her eyes and lit up her whole soul. "You look spectacular."

'Why thank you kind Sir." She curtseyed as he held her hand. "You look pretty spectacular yourself."

Pulling her flush against his body he crushed his mouth to hers in a short but passionate kiss letting her go as quickly as the kiss started. Kim was breathless and the nerves that had infiltrated her on the Uber ride over evaporated instantly. "You have no idea what's going on inside me right now?"

"Butterflies." He whispered against the soft skin of her cheek.

"Butterflies." She nodded.

He kissed her again softly, not giving a damn who was watching. "Let's get a drink before dinner. I think we have something to celebrate."

Adam ushered her towards the bar, his hand pressed into the small of her back and she felt it's warmth spreading throughout her. You'd think she would be over that by now, now that they had just spent the day together in bed, in the shower, in the kitchen. She had blushed at little at the memory of that while she was getting ready.

"Here's to us, where we've been and were we are going." Adam held up a glass of champagne and clinked her glass. When he draped his arm around the back of her chair and Kim leant into him the familiarity had returned, their body language was in sync again and neither of them could think straight.

After finishing off the champagne Kim smiled at him while she started loosening his tie. He sucked in a deep breath as her fingers brushed his throat. "What are you doing?"

"You look better without this." She slid it off from around his neck, undid the top two buttons on his shirt and folded the tie up and put it in her bag. "That's better."

"Hmmm, are you really undressing me at the bar?"

"Yes."

Adam grabbed her hand and helped her off the stool. Before he stood up he whispered in her ear. "I have an itch that I need you to scratch soon." Kim's legs wobbled and he kissed her cheek, looped his arm through hers and led her through to the restaurant.

Kim kept herself together until dessert arrived. Sitting on the edge of her plate was a Gummy Bear. Adam had arrived early and explained some of the story to the Maître'd and asked that it be added to whatever dessert she ordered. The smile on her face was priceless.

Kim ate half her dessert and shared the rest with Adam, leaving the Gummy Bear until last. She popped it in her mouth and reached over and grabbed his hand "We need to leave." Motioning to the waiter for the bill. "Now."

 ** _A/N: So Burzek is back….Are you all happy now?_** ** _J_**


	29. Chapter 29 - Something Beautiful

Heaven.

It was the first thought that popped into his mind when he opened his eyes. Lying next to him, her head tucked into his shoulder, dark hair splayed out over his arm was the one woman who had held his heart for almost thirteen years.

He had dreamt of this moment more times than he could count, sometimes he would wake up content to have dreamt about her and sometimes he would wake up in a cold sweat. The one and only time he woke up with another brunette beside him was like a nightmare. Paul Benson had a type; all his girlfriends had been blond or red haired.

Adam Ruzek had a type too. The woman in his arms was his type and she was here. Finally she was where she needed to be, where he could love her, adore her, laugh with her, touch her and keep her safe. She was in his arms again and he was in heaven.

He liked the weight of her arm across his chest and he brushed a stray strand of hair from her cheek and she stirred just a little. He wanted to wake her but he also wanted to lie here and watch her for a few minutes more, just to make sure it was real. He felt something shift in him, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. He tried to focus on it but eventually just decided to let it go, whatever it was he wasn't scared of it, not anymore.

The memories of the night came flooding back, perfect memories. He'd paid the bill while Kim was literally hopping from foot to foot. As they waited outside for the Uber she had attacked his lips ferociously and it took all his willpower to hold her at bay. Even as he tried to unlock the door she had her hands in his pocket and he dropped the keys. "Hurry up Adam." She had muttered.

Kicking the door shut Adam pushed her up against it, perhaps a little roughly but Kim didn't even blink. She was clawing at his clothes and she ripped the buttons from his shirt as she yanked at it. It didn't take him long to have her dress up around her waist and against the door it was hot and heavy and fast. Kim wrapped one leg around his waist and Adam's fingers were biting in the flesh of her thigh and he loved to watch her eyes widen just a little in anticipation and then glaze over at the initial sensation.

"Gotta love those Gummy Bears." His breath laboured against her neck as he held her steady for a moment and when he lowered her down she stumbled a little and Adam caught her. He would never let her fall, not again.

"Oh God, wow."

"Wow indeed." He pressed his lips against hers, not willing to lose any contact with her just yet. Give him a minute or two and he could have gone for round two. How many times had they had sex today? He'd lost count. "You wrecked my shirt. Not for the first time."

"It was worth it."

"It is always been worth it."

It must have been nearly three am before they finally fell asleep, exhausted and blissfully happy. Now he had watched her for long enough. "Darlin' wake up." His hands were starting to roam all over her body. "Come on Darlin' wake up." Some things had never changed; she slept hard and had never been easy to wake up.

"Adam?" She sat up suddenly, turning to look at him before smiling and lying back down. He chuckled. "I thought I was dreaming again."

"You dreamt about me?"

"Dreamt, lusted, fantasized you name it." Stretching her legs Kim slipped one down in between his two legs and rolled closer into his side. "Some of them were pretty vivid."

"Tell me more." He had started kissing her neck, his hands making sure she was not going anywhere.

"Hmmm, nope. It was just my own little piece of heaven."

"When was the last one?"

"Yesterday morning." He wasn't the only one with roaming hands. "We were in the shower and I've got to say what you did with your mouth…" she went to kiss him but ran her tongue over his lips instead. "..Wow."

Adam dragged her out of bed and into the shower. "Yep, something like that." Kim was barely able to speak when he was done.

"Okay." They were both now almost satisfied, momentarily at least. Adam made them a coffee and bought it back into bed. He had given her a t-shirt to wear and pulled on a shirt and pair of shorts himself. They couldn't have this conversation if they were both naked. That would not get them anywhere in a hurry. "Now, we need to sort this out."

"Our complicated life once we leave this place?"

"Yep that." He took a sip of his coffee, whistling as it burnt his tongue so he set it down. "I love you, I always have and this is what I want more than anything. I know we can make it work."

"So do I."

"But it's not going to be easy, then again we've never been easy."

"Actually we were. It was easy being with you, you know that." That was the thing and probably why it was such a shock to everyone when she called it off, they never really fought. They would have the occasional tiff or argument when they were tired and cranky but they were always pretty happy with each other. Kim's irrational fear and willingness to look for trouble when there wasn't any had ruined a pretty bloody good relationship.

He held up his hand. Adam needed to get this out. "Oliver? He's our priority right?"

"Yes. And Daisy."

"And Daisy." He nodded. "My relationship with Oliver is important and I don't want to ruin it but I am ready for this." He waved his hand between them both. "I couldn't do this if I wasn't sure about being Oliver's Dad."

"You have amazed me with that, with what you are like with Oliver. I love watching you two together. Adam you are a beautiful father to our boy." Kim touched his cheek softly. "You have no idea how happy that makes me."

"I hope so." The way his smile crinkled up the corners of his eyes always told her how happy he was. There was no faking it. "Also, Baby I know I am no walk in the park, I know I have days that are tough and I can see that it scares you. It scares me but I want to fight and I want you to help me. I want you to know that I won't give up and that's because of you and Oliver and Daisy."

While the conversation was heavy they were both happy. Being comfortable enough to honestly talk about the battle they had ahead of them was a huge step forward. Sure they had talked about it several times but it was usually when Adam was at rock bottom and he was trying to explain what was going on in his head at that moment, they never really talked about it when he was feeling good so to talk about it now was monumental. "And I want you to know that I won't let you give up and I won't walk away from you, ever. I've lived a life without you, I won't do it again." The quiet moment they shared, just looking at each other said more than a thousands words could have.

Kim broke the silence. "How upset would you be if we decided not to tell anyone for a while?"

"Not upset at all. I think we should keep it casual." Kim's eyes narrowed and Adam added quickly. "I meant when we are around other people. This is not going to change." He leant forward and left a trail of kisses up her bare thigh. "There is nothing casual about you and me. Trust me."

"Well Erin and Jay are going to know. I mean Erin told me to come here and sleep with you; they took Ollie for the weekend for that exact reason. And she's gonna know just by looking at me."

"By looking at you, what? Do you think you look like you've just spent a whole day in bed having sex?"

Kim rested both her hands on her cheeks, tilted her head to the side and gave him a lopsided grin. "This goofy look."

"Your sex face. I like it." Kim slapped his arm away playfully as he hooked a finger under her chin. "Obviously they know and that might be nice that we don't have to pretend around them."

"Just our kids and my work colleagues and our friends and your parents and my ex- husband."

"Impressive list." He whistled. "That's a lot of sneaking around."

"So…." A small sigh escaped Kim's mouth and she furrowed her brow slightly. "..is it too hard?"

Cheekily pulling on the waistband of his shorts he peered down at himself and declared that it was _'not hard at all'_. Kim pushed him lightly and he fell back against the pillows and she crawled over towards him, not wanting to be too far away from him at the moment. "We can do this? A few weeks, that's all."

"So how exactly do we do this?"

"Well, I don't know. Like we have been now. You can still come over and hang out and once the kids go to bed maybe we can be together."

"It sounds a little sleazy?" Adam screwed up his nose.

'Well what do you suggest?"

"I didn't say I didn't like that plan just that it sounds sleazy." He sat up again. "But I will do anything to be with you. And now for the big question, what about Steve?"

Kim sat back on her haunches and the tone of her voice changed. "He doesn't need to know. We barely talk at the moment as long as we keep things normal with Daisy I don't think he'll notice. He's accepted that you are around with Daisy, begrudgingly I will admit but it's none of his business. You know my marriage is over, a long time over right?"

"I do. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. You and I wouldn't be having this conversation."

"I am glad that we are."

"Just one more thing." Adam crept a little closer. "Oliver, I remember the day I first met Ollie, well properly anyway you told me later that night that he saved you and that he could save me too. He did, but so did you. I want you to know that. I love you so much. You and Oliver and Daisy, you are my world."

Kim held his face in her hands, letting her fingers play with the hair on his temples. "We made something beautiful didn't we?"

"We did and this is our time to live this beautiful life with our son and Daisy." This kiss was long and slow and deep. They were no longer in a rush.

Adam finally made it to the Halstead's after dropping Kim off at home. She only had the dress she had on last night and didn't think it was appropriate for a lunch date with her eight-year-old son. "Where's Kim?" Erin asked, a little hopefully when she opened the door.

"At home I guess." He shrugged. "How's Ollie been? I hear he beat your ass yesterday." He teased Halstead and ignoring Erin's frustrated groan.

"What did you do?" Erin was obviously disappointed with him judging by how snippy she sounded.

"Nothing. We talked, sorted out what was best for the kids, that's all."

"And what about what is best for you and Kim?"

"What is best for Oliver and Daisy is what is best for us." Ollie thankfully bounded down the stairs. "Hey Bud. You ready to go? Let's go grab some lunch, okay? You guys want to join us?"

"I swear to God Ruzek, you are fucking useless some times."

"Well thanks for that ringing endorsement." Erin snatched up her phone and stormed from the room and Adam guessed that she was trying to ring Kim. She came back a minute later and threw it on the bench obviously having had no luck in reaching her.

Begrudgingly Erin agreed to come out for lunch. Grace was pretty much besotted with Ollie and would go wherever he went and at least then Erin felt she would have the chance to chew him out some more. She had a long list of things she wanted to point out to this half-wit. He had one job, not to break Kim's heart again and he couldn't even do that properly. Had he learnt nothing? Did he know how much she loved him? Did he know how much he loved her? Perhaps he needed someone to point that out to him again.

Erin punched Adam hard in the chest when Kim rocked up to lunch and she saw the look on both their faces as he reached for her hand. "You sneaky little shit."

"What?" Adam tried to look shocked. "You asked what we talked about and I said we decided to do what was best for Oliver and Daisy. You didn't ask what that was, did you? You just jumped to conclusions."

"You could have elaborated a bit on that?"

"Why? And ruin this moment?" The kids had disappeared to the Play Gym, Oliver somewhat reluctantly but Gracie was nagging him relentlessly and it left the adults alone for a while. Kim slipped her hand into Adam's and smiled shyly when Erin just sat back on folded her arms.

"All that we ask is that we are keeping it low-key for a bit. From everyone, even Ollie. We just want a little bit of space and time." Kim jumped in "So only you two know for now."

"You know you were never good at keeping this a secret the first time round, what makes you think you can do it this time?"

"Good Point." Adam nodded, reaching for his beer and looking at Kim for an answer.

"Yes, well last time was different. People expect us to spend time together because of Oliver so nothing is going to change."

"Except your sex face, that's changed." Adam didn't even look at her when he dropped that gem and Halstead spat out the mouthful of beer he had just taken.

"You sure you want to go down that path? We could always go back to the way things were two days ago?"

"Nah, I'm good." He nodded in the direction of the kids who were heading back towards them; Oliver was holding Gracie's hand. "Look how smooth that boy is, like father, like son."

"That's the closet I am ever letting a Ruzek get to my daughter." Halstead finally chimed into the conversation.

"Ruzek men have many charms, they make the ladies weak at the knees." Without drawing breath he added, "Just ask Kim how many times I just made her buckle at the knees." When Oliver and Grace arrived back at the table Kim dropped his hand. He had timed that perfectly and it gave her no chance to answer.

Erin just clapped her hands, she was so damn happy for them. It was about bloody time. This was always how it was meant to be.


	30. Chapter 30 - A Booty Call

It did not happen as often as he liked but when it did it was bliss. Being woken up by a hot naked woman climbing into bed with you in the middle of the night was a rare treat indeed.

There was no point of her even getting into bed with him with her underwear on because the moment he realised that she was there he would be clawing at them anyway. At least if she took them off she would be able to find them again, Adam took very little care of what he did with them as long as they were off in the quickest time possible. He had even hidden them once to stop her from leaving.

Adam stirred as he felt her weight on the mattress. "Hey Baby." Kim curled into his side, running her hand over his bare stomach. As per usual Adam was naked, he rarely wore anything to bed on the off chance he got a visitor.

"What you doing here? What time is it?" He had gone to bed early after talking to Kim. They were still in the habit of calling each other at night to chat. While Kim believed that it was how they were reconnecting when he came back and how he was learning about the life he missed he had reminded her that it was also something they had always done.

Back in those days they would talk every night, even if it was only for a minute and they had quickly fallen back into that old routine and it was comforting. Nothing was the same though, they struggled sometimes to find time for each other back then because they both worked hard and shift work and Intelligence never gave you much time to breathe. Now, it was even harder. Not only was Intelligence still full on but also Kim had two children that needed her attention so he was a lot lower on the list.

So moments like this had to be treasured.

"It's 1230 and we finished earlier than expected and I felt like seeing you." He could feel her body pressing into his; the warm skin, her breasts against his chest and her legs entwined with his, she wasn't wasting time. Without even trying he was responding to her touch.

"A Booty call?" He mumbled, slowly coming around. He certainly woke up when her hand found its way down to his groin. "I'm good with that."

"I've missed you."

"You work too hard."

"Hmm, and I think you are hard enough." He let her continue, followed her lead and went wherever she took him. Yep, this was bliss.

Then she curled up with Adam wrapped around her and fell asleep. That was one thing she was good at, falling asleep and she fell hard and fast, a bit like how quickly she had fallen back in love with him. It had been instantaneous. Then they had almost six months of letting that build until what they had now, it was pretty intense and they couldn't get enough.

They both slept better in each other's bed until her phone rang a few short hours later. It felt like her head had barely hit the pillow and it was throbbing from lack of sleep. "What time is it?" Adam croaked as Kim reached for her phone blindly.

"430am." Kim sat up on the edge of the bed and squinted at the screen. "Go back to sleep."

""Hmmm." He barely muttered. This was familiar, getting called out or interrupted at the most inopportune times. Luckily they had finished with the main event. Fortunately they hadn't had that pleasure yet, when the phone rang and killed a moment but it had happened on more than one occasion in the past. He missed a lot about being a cop but this he didn't miss.

They had also managed to avoid being interrupted by the kids so far although Kim was paranoid about that and was overly cautious but sometimes it was more by good luck than good management.

A lot was right in his life now; Kim, she was right and where they were was perfect. He was loving every minute he spent with her it just wasn't enough. Oliver and Daisy were great; he adored them and it gave him something that he never thought he would have. It wasn't conventional but he felt like he had a family. His job, that was holding his head above water but he hated it, it wasn't who he was but his family was holding him together.

"What Kev?"

"We gotta go, another shooting, same MO." He sounded just as annoyed as Kim was, being a father to two crazy boys was wearing him thin, god help them when the next one arrived. Probably why he had developed the knack of super naps whenever they had five minutes down time. "Want me to swing by and get you?"

"Nah, I'll meet you there, I'm with the kids." Kevin knew that the kids were with Steve's parents. He had looked at Kim like she was mad when she told him earlier. She reached out and put her hand on Adam. He hated that they were still keeping this a secret. "I wanted to take the kids to school in the morning, I'll meet you there." Kim hung up and spent just a moment trying to absorb him through her fingertips as they danced around the tiny curls that were forming around his ears.

"We should tell 'em." He mumbled, even though he was half asleep he still sounded a little pissed.

"We will. Next weekend remember? Antonio's party."

"Yeah, right." He had heard it before; they had been putting it off for weeks. Kim loved the little bubble they had created around themselves and because that time so was precious and rare she didn't want to share it with anyone. Those moments alone with Adam were making her feel whole again. She didn't realise how far away from happy she had been until they decided that they wanted the whole shooting match and she didn't want to do anything to jeopardise that.

"When you talk to Steve's parents tell them I will pick the kids up from school." He hadn't seen them all week and as well as missing Kim he also missed the kids. They were a big part of his life now; he just wanted more. He offered to look after them when Kim was working but she still was reluctant to leave Daisy with him overnight.

Oliver stayed with him at least once a week, they would have boy's nights and he loved it. They both did. Kim would leave Daisy with him during the day if she needed to run errands or he would watch them after school if he finished early but overnight was too much at this stage and he did think it had more to do with not wanting to deal with Steve's reaction than concern over whether he was capable of looking after Daisy.

He couldn't complain too much, he refused to let Oliver stay with Steve and it would be hypocritical to demand Daisy stay with him. The only reason he was letting Oliver stay with Steve's parents tonight was because he was away and Oliver did really love them. They were good to him, they always had been and Oliver had been upset at Christmas when he thought that he wouldn't be able to see them again and Kim promised to work something out. Tonight it worked out.

"Are you sure? Don't you want to go to Molly's after work?" It was Friday night and they often tried to get down there for a drink at the end of the week. Adam would finish early on Friday's and would meet them all and Kim would make it for a quick drink before picking up the kids. Adam would come over a little later and they would have dinner together as a family. He couldn't wait for the day they would leave Molly's hand in hand and stop hiding this from the world.

"No it's fine. I want to see Oliver, I miss him and Daisy."

"I will try and get home early and maybe we can get pizza or something?" Kim was pulling on her clothes, hunting around in the dark for her boots. "You sure you don't mind me stopping by?"

Adam tugged on her arm and pulled her down for a kiss, he barely opened his eyes. "You can stop by and fuck me anytime Baby."

"And Adam, tonight we are going to talk about the CFD info pack on your table."

 ** _A/N: Ruzek as a fire-fighter….everything you never knew you wanted, right?_**


	31. Chapter 31- Nothing Planned

"Where's Ruzek?" Jay bought his drinks over having arrived a little later than everyone else.

"He picked up Oliver and Daisy after school."

"Really?" Atwater was drumming his fingers on the side of his glass. He really wished these two would stop all this bullshit and sort themselves out.

"He hasn't seen Oliver all week."

"And?"

Kim laughed him off. "And nothing, we will probably grab pizza for dinner. You and Adam should organise to take the boys out on the weekend. I don't think he's got much planned."

"You got nothing planned?"

"I've got plans with Daisy this weekend, we've got some shopping to do. She needs new shoes and has grown like a weed lately so most of her clothes are getting too small. I have no idea what Adam's plans are with Oliver." Kim finished off her beer and called it a night. As much as she enjoyed a drink at the end of a long week with the Unit, it wasn't the same without Adam and knowing that he was at home waiting for her was too good to pass up.

Kim picked up the pizza's on the way home. "Hey." Adam jumped up from his seat on the floor where he was doing a puzzle with Daisy. He squeezed her hand as he took the pizzas. "How you doin?"

"I'm tired."

"You should get more sleep then." He winked, making her blush a little just as Daisy flung herself at Kim.

"Well hello." She crouched down to talk to Daisy. "How was your day?"

"Good. Adam let us have ice-cream after school." One look at how she was dancing around told Kim that she was a little hyped. A combination of sugar, Adam and being tired made Daisy a little buzzed.

"Did he?" At least she knew that Adam couldn't get away with anything, Daisy had the loosest lips in town.

They had a picnic on the floor, eating pizza and sharing a highlight of the day. Daisy's obviously was the ice cream and Oliver's was being picked up by Adam and Kim's was pizza night. Adam had to think about his. He had two. This was his PG rated highlight. Sitting on the floor having a picnic with these three people.

"My other highlight." He followed Kim into the kitchen when they were finished with dinner and grabbed her from behind as she was throwing the scraps in the trash. "Was being woken up by an incredibly hot naked woman who jumped my bones in the middle of the night."

"Well there's a surprise?" She rolled her eyes and slapped his hand away as he inched it lower.

"Do I get an encore?"

"I'd like to say no, but I really, really like having sex with you." She kissed him hard and fast, ran her hand over his groin and left the kitchen. He had to suck in a deep breath, grit his teeth and focus on anything but that.

As well as pizza night, it was movie night and when Adam declared it was his choice Kim just laughed. They were about to get nostalgic because he loved old movies. Now they were watching 'The Lion King.' Daisy was curled up on the couch with her mother and Oliver was stretched out on the floor next to Adam. Daisy made it about half way through before falling asleep and Adam carried her up to bed and when he came back Kim had stolen his spot on the floor next to Ollie so he took the couch. He would have preferred to lie down on the floor next to Kim but he wouldn't have been able to keep his hands to himself, he really wished they would hurry up and tell the kids. He was ready but just had to convince Kim.

He was still on the couch when she came back from taking Ollie to bed and checking on Daisy. "Hey." Kim stretched out on top of him. "Thanks for today."

"What did I do?"

"Helping with the kids. It felt nice coming home to you."

"We had a good afternoon."

"I think Daisy thinks any afternoon with ice-cream is a good afternoon." His hands were up under her shirt sliding up and un-doing her bra.

"She has a habit." Kim started kissing his neck. "So do I."

"For ice-cream?"

"No I am more a Gummy Bear type of girl." When his hands slid down the back of her pants and he pulled her closer like there was ever any doubt where this was going. They couldn't get enough of each other.

"Do you want to play with my Gummy Bear?"

"Yes." Kim sat up, grabbed his hand and hauled him off the couch and upstairs.

They had replaced late night phone calls for after sex bedroom talks whenever they got the chance. Kim wrapped a sheet around herself and crossed her legs. Adam was stretched out across the bed propped up on one elbow. "Can we talk about the CFD thing now?" He had pulled on his jeans and ran downstairs and grabbed them a couple of beers.

"I was talking to Severide a few weeks ago at Molly's and he suggested that I look into CFD."

He hadn't really caught up with Severide much since he'd been back. Apparently he had finally settled down and now had a kid of his own, Ebony who was about the same age as Daisy. Surprisingly he preferred to spend time at home with her than drinking at Molly's. They had a few quick chats but it was usually with a crowd and kept it pretty casual. He had come in while Adam was drinking with a few mates from his job so Adam made his way over and pulled up a stool.

"How's the building game?" Severide ordered him a beer.

"It pays the bills."

"You don't like it."

Adam touched his glass to Severide's "I don't love it, no."

"You should come over, look into CFD." Severide had been an instructor at the Academy for a couple of years now, he had broken too many body bits to continue on Squad and for him it was Squad or nothing. "I think you'd do okay? You look fit enough."

"Had plenty of time to keep in shape when you don't really have a life. I also haven't spent nine years being beat up chasing bad guys."

"Do you miss it?"

"Yeah, that part I do. The other shit, it's too late to go back to that."

"So, come try out. Maybe we can put those Detective skills to good use in OFI or something."

"Perhaps. I'll think about it."

"Talk it over with Burgess?" It was half a questions half a statement.

"Ha, I'm not touching that one." They spent the next few minutes talking about their kids before Severide took off, not before telling him once again to check out CFD.

He stewed over if for a few days before calling Severide and dropping in to pick up and information pack and to get a bit of an idea what it would involve before he talked to Kim about it.

Adam was searching Kim's face for some kind of reaction. "He knows how much I hate the building game and that I miss being a cop. I thought perhaps maybe I could do it and then look at OFI and maybe use my detective skills." He sounded nervous. "What do you think?"

"I think you would make a very hot fireman."

Adam looked at her wryly; he was trying to have a serious conversation. Perhaps they should have done this before they got naked and had sex. They really needed to learn how to control themselves a little better. "Would you hate it?"

"Would I hate you being happy?" Kim cocked her head to the side, looking at him like he'd just declared that he'd had a conversation with aliens. "Adam come on, of course not. If this is something you want to do I will support you." They'd suddenly got serious.

"I need to make a decision, applications close soon. Would you be ok with me doing this?"

"What do you want to do? Is this what you want?"

"I think so, I can't keep doing what I am doing. It's killing me." He closed his eyes for a moment. "And I do care about what you think, you are part of this decision. I am making this decision for my family."

"I want you to be happy. Oliver wants you to be happy too, all he wants is for you to be here with him."

"I want to be here with you and Oliver and Daisy too. I love her so much Kim, you know that right?"

Kim ran her hand over his leg. "I do. I love how much you care about her too."

"So this is for all of us. I want to do this for all of us."

"You know you were a great cop, I think you'll be a great fire-fighter and if you end up in OFI you'll be good at that too. Although I do have one concern?"

'What's that?"

"What happens if you are out on a call and we get called in? I am not sure I will be able to keep my hands to myself." Kim tugged at the zip on his jeans, which were barely done up. "How easy do you think it would be to have sex with all that gear on?"

He grabbed her hand and slid it down inside his jeans. "How about I bring it home and we can find out?"

"Deal." Kim edged closer, letting the sheet fall away.

"Kim, you know what? I am really happy. I feel good."

"Hmmmm." She mumbled as she started kissing her way down his chest. He knew where this was going and was in no rush to stop her.

"I love you Kim. This is not going to end, we don't end."

They both hated the thought that he had to leave. It was getting later and later that he got dressed and crept out of the house. Luckily her kids slept in and were rarely up before 7am. It was painful on weekdays trying to get them moving for school but much appreciated on the weekends and now even more so that Adam was often in her bed.

So he did it, he applied to CFD.

Kim hit the ground with such a thud she could actually hear all the air escape her body. She groaned loudly as she tried to move. The offender didn't get far because Atwater pounced just as Jay barrelled around the corner seconds later and saw Jen crouched over Kim's body. "What the hell?" he screeched coming to a stop beside Kim's prone body while keeping one eye on Atwater, who seemed to have everything under control.

"She's okay." Jen reassured him. "Need to call a bus though." Kim had a nasty gash to her head, which was bleeding far more than it should, blood trickled down her forehead and into her eyes. Gingerly she tried to move her hand to wipe away the blood but the pain was incredible. "Don't move Kim." Jen held her down.

By the time she got to the Chicago Med not only her head hurt but also her whole body was aching. It had been a while since she'd ended up all battered and bruised or needing stitches. Jay had jumped in the back with her while Atwater finished off the arrest. "Want me to call Ruzek?"

"No don't worry him, it will freak him out. It's just a bump on the head." Jay just smiled and as soon as they got out of the Ambo he was going to do precisely that. He didn't want to deal with Ruzek's wrath if he found out that Kim had been taken to hospital and he wasn't told.

They were concerned that Kim would have a fractured skull; she'd hit the pavement pretty hard. By the time Atwater arrived Kim was just waiting for an x-ray. "You want me to give Amanda a call?" he asked as he hovered over the side of her bed. Once she had separated from Steve they did have a discussion about her Next-of-Kin and Kim told him that she had changed it to her sister.

"No. I'm fine Kev."

Maggie came in with Kim's chart just to ask a couple more questions. "Any chance you could be pregnant?" She asked before she noticed Kevin standing beside her. "Sorry."

"It's okay." Kim waved her hand weakly. "No, I don't think so."

"You don't think so, or know so?"

"I guess there is a chance, but…" she looked at Kevin sheepishly, his eyes widened and then it finally clicked. Their secret wasn't going to stay a secret much longer. "We've been pretty careful."

"Alright, let's just run a quick test then to make sure before we send you up for x-ray." She grabbed a cup for Kim to try and pee in. Kevin backed out of the room rather rapidly and spotted Jay still leaning on the counter talking to his brother.

"Ah, Bro. Kim's just taking a pregnancy test. I hope to god that's because of her and Ruzek?" Jay just smiled and pointed as Ruzek came racing through the door a look of panic on his face and that told Kevin everything he needed to know. "Where is she? Is she okay?"

"Through there, they are just running a test. She's about to go up for an x-ray." Will reassured him, Jay had told him he was good to talk to Adam about her. "Kim's good, just a concussion hopefully. We just want to make sure she has no fractures. We've popped in about eight stitches."

"Can I go see her?"

As soon as Adam disappeared with Will Atwater raised an eyebrow questionably at Halstead. "So? Anything you want to share?"

"Not long after your birthday party. They've kept it quiet just while they figure some stuff out. Don't think the kids know yet either."

Will slid open the door just as Kim finished and placed her cup of pee on the table and let Adam in. "Hey. You had me worried." Adam kissed her softly. "You okay?"

"Yep. Just a headache." Her smile was more like a grimace. "Jay called you?" While she was a little annoyed that Jay had ignored her request not to call Adam she was glad he was here. Sometimes other people knew just what you needed. Kim was more concerned about stressing out Adam than her own well being.

"He did." Maggie came and grabbed the cup while Adam stayed beside her; he'd been here before, standing beside her bed out of his mind with worry. He chuckled a little to himself at the irony of the moment. Everyone had found out about them, or so they thought when she had been shot and now here they were again, in hospital and it was all out in the open again. "I think our secret is out bit like last time. Kev looked a little confused."

"He's always confused. He's male. Unless you belt him over the head with it he knows nothing. You should have seen the look on his face when Maggie asked if I could be pregnant."

"What?" He was pretty sure all the colour drained from his face.

"Relax Adam, I am pretty sure I am not but it's a possibility right? The only sure way to prevent pregnancy is to abstain and abstinence hasn't really been our thing lately has it?"

"Well no, but…"

"And it's not like your sperm suffers from any lack of endeavour."

"Okay, this is a weird conversation. Perhaps that bump to your head is worse than we thought."

Kim closed her eyes. "I feel like I am going to vomit." She started sucking in deep breaths and Adam started to panic. He was not good with this and he was torn. He didn't want to leave her side but watching her vomit was not high on his list of things to do either. Calling in a nurse they got orders to give her some anti-emetics and they assured him that concussions sometimes did this.

"Is it the bump on your head or the thought of being pregnant that's making you feel sick?"

"A little of both."

He couldn't sound any more freaked out if he tried. "It would be kinda funny if you were, like last time. The first bang is always the biggest, must be where all the good stuff is."

"Not really funny and rather revolting when you put it like that."

Her X-rays came back clear but because she was so nauseous they decided to keep her in overnight. Kim complained only briefly as when she tried to get out of bed it seriously made her head spin. Erin came in and sat with her while Adam went and picked up the kids and bought them in to see their Mom. Kim was a little concerned that Adam was going to take them home and stay with them. It was his first time alone with both of them all night. Daisy wanted to stay with Oliver and she had got upset when Kim asked if she wanted to go stay with her grandparents. She didn't understand why she wasn't allowed to stay with Adam when Oliver did it all the time. Kim didn't have the energy to protest as she drifted off to sleep so Adam, despite not wanting to leave her took both the kids home.

It was an interesting experience for Adam, he suddenly found himself being a parent; like proper parenting. He had to make sure they were clean, Daisy decided that she wanted a shower too so that was weird because she needed Adam's help and he'd never done that before although Daisy was full of good advice for him. They also needed to get their school uniforms out so that he could iron them apparently. Ironing wasn't one of his best skills, he barely managed a work shirt if he needed to wear a suit and he had to make them lunch to take to school. The only thing he knew how to do was organise dinner although Kim wouldn't be overly impressed with their burger and fries on the way home. Super Dad he wasn't, but he actually loved being with them for the night.

Oliver certainly helped get their lunches organised because Daisy's description of what she wanted to take for lunch did not really seem like something that Kim would allow. Chocolate Pop Tarts were not lunch food; even he knew that.

Once he got them into bed he called the hospital and Kim was sleeping and they weren't worried about her so he returned the seemingly endless messages and phone calls. Apparently Kim wasn't the only one who had doubts about his ability to handle this. Grabbing a drink he finally had a chance to think once he satisfied Erin, Trudy, his mother, Joelle and Amanda that the kids were still alive and well.

It had played on his mind all day, well since he arrived at the hospital anyway. It had never crossed his mind that she may get pregnant he was too busy living in the moment. They were reasonably careful but then that wasn't always a guarantee was it? And there were times when they certainly got a little carried away by the moment. Did he want a baby? Did she want another one? It was way to early to contemplate anything that major. They were barely back together, although last time they weren't even together so there was that, but then it took almost ten years to get back to this. He still had a lot of shit to deal with and felt that he was only just getting on top of it.

He did know, without a doubt that he loved her, with every inch of himself but he was nowhere near ready to face that.

Lucky she wasn't pregnant.

Without too much drama Adam got the kids to school the next day before heading into the hospital to pick up Kim. He made sure he took a photo of each of them dressed properly, with their lunch bags and heading up the path to school with a time stamp on it so he could prove that he wasn't a complete idiot. Kim laughed at him. "I had no doubts."

"Liar. You have doubts, you had every man and his dog checking up on me."

"True." Kim watched as he fussed about packing up the few things he had bought her in last night and checking over the care plan they had given him. Kim was off work for the rest of the week at least and that was going to drive her insane, probably not as much as Adam's fussing but at least he was here and that's all that mattered.

They only briefly touched on the pregnancy issue. Kim admitted that it would have freaked her out and that she wasn't sure if that would ever be on the cards. Adam just nodded and agreed with her. They needed to establish themselves; that was their priority, he was joining CFD and they had Oliver and Daisy to worry about. That was more than enough and that's what they focussed on and that was working well for them.

"But it wouldn't have been completely horrible would it?" He asked out of the blue later that night.

"No, not at all." Kim smiled and patted his cheek as they lay on the couch. "It wouldn't have been horrible."

The waitress did a double take. She thought the booth was empty and had gone to clear the table, finally. It was way in the back and often got forgotten. It had probably been a good half hour since she had been back here. "Hi Sweetie."

The little girl looked up at her with a few tears in her eyes. "My Mom says I should only talk to the Police."


	32. Chapter 32 - I'm Nearly Five

The Waitress sat with her and they'd bought her some fries and a drink and she had just sat and looked at them for the longest time until the urge to eat finally got the better of her. She grabbed one and quickly shoved it in her mouth but she still refused to talk. She would nod her head occasionally but just sat and munched her way through the basket of fries quietly because once she started she couldn't stop.

"Hello."

The little girl finally smiled when she looked up and saw the two Police Officers standing by their table. The Waitress slid out of the booth and let one of the Officers take her place.

"Hi." She muttered, shoving another fry in her mouth. "Did you find my Dad?"

"No, not yet but we will. Did he bring you here?"

"Yes."

"What's your name?"

"Daisy Elizabeth Palmer. I'm nearly five." It was a proud fact that Daisy liked to share with anyone who would listen that it was almost her birthday. Well almost according to a four year old but she still had nearly three months to go. Kim had always drummed into both her children, obsessively so that they only talked to Police Officers. Especially with her job you never knew who had been watching you, no matter how careful you had been so making sure they knew who they could trust had been paramount.

"Well hello Daisy, I'm Officer Bell and this is Officer Rodrigues." He pointed to the other Police Officer standing beside he table. "It's nice to meet you."

"Are we going to see my Mom now?" Her bottom lip started to quiver a little.

"Where is Mom?"

Daisy started to cry. "At home with Oliver and Adam. I want my Mom."

"Of course you do sweetie and we will find Mom. Oliver and Adam, are they your brothers?"

Daisy shook her head. "No, Oliver is my brother and Adam is Oliver's Daddy. Not mine though."

"Okay. How about you come with us and we are going to try and find your Mom." Daisy happily slid out of the booth and held Officer Bell's hand. Rodrigues had got some rough details about how long she had been here and whom she was with while his partner had talked to the little girl lost.

"I need to go to the bathroom." She tugged on the Officer Bell's hand just as they were about to leave.

"Okay." He looked a little surprised. "How about Sally here takes you to the bathroom and then we can go find Mom?" He pointed to the Waitress that had been helping them. One thing he wasn't keen on was going into the ladies bathroom with a little girl. He didn't have kids so this was way beyond him.

Daisy tried to hide behind the Officer's leg as Sally nodded and held out her hand for Daisy. "No, My Mommy says that I can't go anywhere with someone I don't know even if they say they know me or that Mommy told them to come. That's how bad people do things. I am only allowed to talk to Police Officers with a badge." She was starting to jiggle around, she was desperate to use the bathroom and didn't want to have an accident because that was what baby's did and she wasn't a baby.

Quickly they managed to take her to the staff bathroom, making it just in time before and Bell was relieved when Daisy told him that she didn't need his help. "I'm nearly five." She reminded him.

"My Mom is Police too." Daisy suddenly declared when they got to the Patrol car. She loved sitting in the Patrol cars whenever she was at the District and Erin would even let her up front sometimes and play with the sirens. They day the Police came to school for a safety talk Daisy was beyond excited and told them everything they needed to know about being a Cop, much the actual Police Officer's amusement.

"Really? What's her name sweetie?"

"Mom."

"What does everyone else call her?"

"Kim."

How many Kim's were there in CPD? That didn't really narrow it done much and no Kim Palmer came up on a search. Bell sat in the back with Daisy and while she was talkative she didn't give them much to go on. She talked about riding in the squad car, going to the District to visit her Mom and that Adam rode a bike. "Mommy won't let Ollie ride on Adam's bike though and that makes him sad." And she also added that Mom doesn't wear a uniform. "Although the other day she did and Adam thought it was cute."

Daisy held onto Officer Bell's hand as they walked up the steps to the 31st and introduced her to the desk sergeant. "Sergeant Howard here is going to help us find your Mom, okay."

"Hope you are not grumpy like Mommy's Sergeant? She's always telling people off, 'specially Adam but not me though."

"Little Daisy here says her Mom is a Police Officer, Kim Palmer. Nothing pops up. Doesn't wear a uniform though, must be plain clothes."

"Well Daisy, hop up here and tell me a bit more about Mom and we'll see if we can call her." Sergeant Howard lifted her up onto the counter. "But first can you tell me your name again."

"Daisy Elizabeth Palmer."

"Okay Daisy Elizabeth Palmer, Is Mommy's name different?" He smiled kindly at the little girl, she was cute and looked clean and tidy and well looked after. Her hair was clean and brushed, tied back into two ponytails that despite looking a little worse for wear looked neat and her clothes were clean and well looked after and her boots fitted and weren't well worn. All in all she looked good. They could generally get a feeling about kids by how they were presented. She didn't look like she had a rough time of it, except for being left alone in a bar in the middle of the day.

"Yes." Daisy piped up, rolling her eyes. "Mom's name is not like mine."

"Do you remember what it is?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment. "Oliver likes to be called Ruzek now, that's Adam's name. Daddy doesn't like Adam, but I do. He took me on a date, he's fun and let's me have Ice-cream all the time."

This was going nowhere fast and he had to get her somewhat back on track. "Kim Ruzek? Is that mom's name?" Daisy shook her head. The Sergeant leant on his elbows and continued talking to Daisy; he had to admit she was a cutie. A search of the name Ruzek, in a variety of different spellings bought up nothing. "Does she work with Adam?"

"No. With Kev and Jay and Matty and 'Tonio. Adam used to work there too but not anymore, he went away for a long time. Mommy thought he was dead but he was just hiding, sometimes I see them kissing, but it's a secret. Don't tell Mom." Daisy giggled and covered her mouth with her hands for a minute.

Kids talking about secrets always set his teeth on edge. "I promise I won't tell Mom. Tell me something else though, does Adam make you keep secrets from Mommy?"

"No." She giggled and it sent her off on another tangent. "One day he hid gummy bears in his pocket for Mommy, that was a surprise but I told Mommy. Adam only kisses Mommy."

"Well that sounds like fun. So tell me more about Mommy?" He got the feeling that he need not worry about going further down that path but he did need to get her back on track.

"Mom sometimes has to go to work all night. Uncle Hank used to be there and Uncle Al but they got too old but I still go see Uncle Al. He takes me to the park sometimes." Finally she spat out what they needed. "She's Detective Burgess."

After looking up personnel files and a putting in a quick call to the 21st, where they also sent a photo of Daisy for confirmation they had her mother's number.

"Adam" Kim flew down the back steps, still clutching her phone tightly in her hands. He was listening to music and was being surprisingly domestic by cutting her lawn. It was something he found strangely therapeutic, being domestic. It helped him feel normal. "Adam." She grabbed his arm making him jump. Oliver had gone over to Joey's house for his birthday party and was staying the night, so Kim and Adam were looking forward to a night alone and had planned to go out for dinner.

Slipping his headphones down around his neck he could see the look of pure panic on her face. "What's up?"

"We need to go get Daisy?"

He killed the mower. "Where is she? What's wrong?"

"CPD have her. She'd at the 31st."

"What? Why? Is she okay?" Kim was already running back inside. "Babe." He chased after her and grabbed her arm; she needed to tell him what was going on so he could help her. "Talk to me?"

"Her fucking father left her in a bar." The fear gave way to a flood of tears. "They called CPD and they came and got her. He left her."

"Is she hurt?"

"I don't fucking know." Adam grabbed the keys from her hand and insisted on driving. Kim could barely speak let alone drive. She basically yelled at him the entire trip to hurry up when she wasn't on the phone trying to get through to her ex husband.

Eventually she tried his mother. "Mary, where's Steve?" Her voice was bordering on hysterical.

"Out with Daisy."

"No he's not." Kim screamed. "Daisy is at the 31st District; the Cops picked her up from a bar an hour ago. He left her in a bar." Mary couldn't believe it. He had left early with Daisy telling them that they were going out for breakfast and then to see a movie. She assured Kim that he was sober when they left and she hadn't heard from him.

Adam watched her with one eye while the other was on the road. "Kim, try and breathe Darlin'. You need to calm down a little."

She swatted his arm away as he tried to rub her leg. "Don't tell me to fucking calm down."

"Kim, you need too. Daisy doesn't need to see you like this."

"It's all so fucking easy for you isn't it? Imagine if it was Oliver, you'd be freaking out." He put his hand back on her leg and this time she didn't push him away. Did he need to remind her that he had picked his son up when Steve had left him at home in the dark with no electricity? It was probably not in his best interests to bring that up right now. "She's four years old."

"Hey, I'm on your side Darlin'."

"I know." Kim's chest heaved suddenly. "How could he do this?"

He grabbed her hand and laced his fingers through hers bringing her hand to his lips to reassure her. Adam tried to appear calm but he was anything but, he was fucking furious and he hoped to god that asshole wasn't anywhere to be seen, he wouldn't be able to hold Kim back and probably wouldn't have even tried. In all honesty he would have pushed Kim out of the way to get at him. "I don't know. Let's just see Daisy, okay?"

Adam barely bought the car to a stop outside the 31st when Kim was unbuckling her seatbelt and leaping out. He watched her bolt up the steps and disappeared inside before moving off to find somewhere to park.

"Mommy." Daisy burst into tears as soon as she saw her mother.

"Detective Burgess I presume." Sergeant Howard lifted Daisy down from the chair that she was on, perched behind the front desk and she bolted into Kim's arms. Daisy had politely informed the newly minted desk Sergeant that Aunt Trudy let her sit up behind her desk and the Sergeant wanted to stay on the right side of Sergeant Platt whose reputation spanned multiple Districts.

"I did what you said. I only talk to the Police."

"Good Girl. Are you okay?" Kim hugged her and smothered her with kisses before checking her over to make sure she wasn't hurt. "Are you hurt?"

"I was scared."

She crushed her against her chest again. "I know sweetheart but you stayed and didn't go wandering off and that was a good thing. I'm so proud of you."

Kim looked over her shoulder at the Sergeant for some explanation. "Daisy here was very brave but she wouldn't talk to the bar staff so they called us and then she was very chatty and very helpful." He rubbed her back. "She's such a smart little girl."

Adam jogged up the steps and joined them. He still wasn't comfortable coming back into the Districts. He avoided the 21st as much as possible, that place had far too many bad memories. He put his arms around both of them and could feel Kim's relief and Daisy was happy to see him. "Adam, I went in a Patrol car, but they didn't let me play with the lights."

"Well that's not good, I bet they were nice to you though?" Daisy happily climbed into Adam's arms as he offered to take her for an ice cream and to the park across the road while Kim talked to the Sergeant. His opinion would probably not help matters right now. The Sergeant chuckled a little to himself. After listening to Daisy talk about Adam he was exactly like he imagined he would be, he looked like fun. He waited until they had left, he had swung her up onto his shoulders as they headed outside and Kim was relieved to here her laughing before she turned back to the Sergeant for some answers.

"We got a call about 1400hrs, she had been there a few hours with we assume her Dad?" Kim nodded and let the Sergeant continue. "Apparently he just disappeared. Has this happened before?"

"No."

"The bar staff called us. She wouldn't talk to them. When we got there she said her name was Daisy Elizabeth Palmer and that your name was Kim, she talked about her brother also, Oliver. When they got in the car she told us you were a cop. Is her father Police?" Kim shook her head. "We couldn't find Kim Palmer though."

"No, he's not a cop and Palmer is obviously her father's name."

"Anyway back here she started talking about how you don't wear a uniform, who you work with, Intelligence right?" Kim nodded again. "and your name was Burgess. So we finally tracked you back to the 21st, they confirmed Daisy's identity with a photo and we called you."

"Thank you. I can't thank you enough."

"Can I ask what she was doing in a bar?" They were in the process of getting all Steve's details. Kim dropped them a recent photo, gave car licence details and description.

"That's a question I'd really like answered too. It's her weekend with her father. We are separated and according to his mother, which is where he stays at the moment they went out for breakfast and then a movie. Where is he?"

"We haven't located him yet?" The Sergeant rested his hand on Kim's arm. "We didn't want to get DCFS involved but…"

"Please. Let me handle it. I swear to god nothing like this has happened before and you can rest assured nothing like this will ever happen again. The way I feel at the moment he'd be lucky to be able to even say hello to her again." Kim felt a sense of dread wash over her with the mention of DCFS. They dealt with them constantly and rarely did it end well and the last thing she needed was them poking their nose into her family. Her kids were happy and safe and loved when they were with her and she was never going to forgive Daisy's father for this. "When you find the asshole, throw him in the cells and let him rot. I really don't care anymore."

The Sergeant smiled at her kindly and squeezed her arm. "Why don't you take Daisy home? And tell her she can stop by anytime to help. We loved having her here. Oh, and sometimes she sees you kissing Adam." He added cheekily, winking at Kim who was looking a little embarrassed. "But it's a secret." What the hell had Daisy told them? How did she know, they were careful around the kids, Daisy in particular.

Kim found Daisy and Adam in the park across the road. She scooped Daisy up and carried her back to the car with Adam's arm firmly around her waist. He got the distinct impression that she wasn't about to talk about it just yet and knowing Kim she was getting everything straight in her mind and Daisy didn't need to hear her opinion on her father right now. Later on though he knew she was going to lose her shit and he would just have to wait for that. She sent Mary a message letting her know that Daisy was fine. It was short and to the point and then she put her phone on silent and threw her phone in her bag.

The tapping on the window was getting louder and louder. Steve eventually prised his eyes open to see CPD looking at him and he groaned. He looked at the phone in his hand and couldn't figure out how he'd got here. Suddenly he remembered.

The cop opened the door and pulled him from the car. "Steve Palmer?"

"Yes."

"Great. You need to come with us." He spun him around and made him put his hands on the roof of his car while he patted him down and they searched his car. "How'd you get here?"

"I don't remember."

"What exactly do you remember?"

"Daisy. Where is Daisy?" he looked into he back of the car finally getting his bearings and a feeling of dread rifled through him. "Where is my daughter?"

"She's safe with her mother."

He rolled his eyes and groaned. He was never going to hear the end of it now. He fucked up royally. "How?"

"Well you did leave her alone in a bar."

"No."

"CPD picked her up at about 1400hrs, that's almost four hours ago. So I am guessing you really have no idea." They handcuffed him and dragged him towards their patrol car. "Guess you have a night in the cells to try and remember all the details."

"Call my wife, she's a cop. She can vouch for me."

The Officer put his hand on Steve's head, pushing him into the back seat and leant in a little. "Your ex-wife, Detective Kim Burgess? She's the one who wants you locked up."

Kim took the call that Steve had been arrested. Adam watched her pace around the room until she hung up and disappeared into the kitchen. "What did they say?" He followed her.

"They picked him up passed out in this car about half hour ago. He had no idea where Daisy was. He's in lock up."

"What are you going to do?"

"Nothing." She reefed open the fridge door. "He can fucking rot for all I care." Adam placed his hand on her back. "Don't." she shrugged away from him. "Don't touch me."

"Kim, Darlin'. Come here."

"No Adam, No. I can't not now. Please just leave me." He did as she asked but he did not stop watching her all night. She put Daisy to bed and an hour later he woke her up and made her leave Daisy's room and as soon as he sat her down on her own bed she lost it. He held her while she sobbed in his arms, like he'd done so many times before. Kissing and cradling her head he whispered that he loved her and that Daisy was safe.

"I can't do this."

"Yes you can."

"Why do I keep giving him a pass? He hurt Oliver, he hit him and I protected him. He left my baby girl in a bar, alone. Anything could have happened to her, he could have been driving and killed her. Someone could have taken her and hurt her; you know what could have happened. It's my fault. I kept insisting that she spend time with him because he was her father and he hurt her. He abandoned her."

"You were trying your best. You always see the best in people, you loved him once and you wanted to believe in the man you married." Adam tightened his hold on her. "You wanted to believe in Daisy's father. That's not bad thing Darlin'. It's one of the many things I love about you; from the moment I met you. I have always loved your ability to see the good in people."

Daisy appeared in the doorway, tears running down her cheeks and Kim held out her arms and helped her climb into bed and enveloped her daughter in a fierce hug. Adam lay behind her and made sure both of them were in his arms.

Adam stayed with them until Kim fell asleep and then slipped down stairs. He hadn't stayed a night with Daisy in the house, apart from that one night after Kim's injury but Kim wasn't here. They had only recently told Oliver about their relationship and he was excited and loved having Adam stay all weekend when Daisy was away.

That had been a fun experience, telling Oliver. Kim just blurted out that Adam was staying the night. They hadn't really talked about it in any great detail and even Adam didn't know that he was staying that night until Kim announced it. "Dad can sleep in my bed." Oliver offered, "I can sleep in Daisy's room." Kim shot Adam a withering look when he started to laugh and when he tried to cover it up with a cough he just about made himself choke.

He was still coughing when he ruffled Oliver's hair. "It's okay Buddy. You can sleep in your own bed."

"But Daisy's bed is tiny."

Adam backed out of the room, holding up his hands as he laughed. "I am leaving that one to you." Kim lobbed a cushion at his rapidly retreating frame.

"It's nice of you to offer Ollie, but Adam can sleep in my bed, with me."

"Okay." He shrugged like he didn't really care either way. His Dad wasn't going home and other than that the details didn't matter.

"You know Dad and I we love you and we love each other. And it's really nice spending time all together with you but I also like spending time alone with just Dad."

"So he's your boyfriend now?" Kim frowned when she heard Adam laugh from the other room.

"Yes."

"That's super cool."

So while Oliver was completely comfortable with it they still decided to hold off a while longer as far as Daisy was concerned. He wasn't leaving tonight though. He wasn't leaving them alone so he was happy to spend another night on the couch.

He didn't hear Kim come downstairs. He was watching some old movie on TV but was paying little attention to it. His mind was elsewhere. Nothing about the last few months had come easily. Being with Kim was better than ever but the constant struggle she had with her ex was getting harder to ignore. He couldn't bite his tongue forever.

"Hey." Kim ran her hand over his arm as it was propped up behind his head.

"I thought you were asleep?"

"I was but I when I woke you were gone. I was worried you'd gone home." Holding out his hand Kim grabbed it and made her way around and crawled up between his legs and lay against his chest. The moment she was settled he started tracing circles on her back.

"Daisy okay?"

Kim tucked her head into his shoulder. "Sound asleep."

"And you?"

"Glad you are here." She slipped her arm around his waist and under his shirt. "Can you stay?"

"I am not leaving."

Kim didn't talk much, a few words here and there but she was comforted being here with Adam. He always had the ability to make her feel safe. When they broke up it hadn't taken her long to realise how protective he was. When she was with Roman it was jarringly obvious the difference in her feelings for them both. She never sought out Roman to make her feel safe, on the job yes she trusted him to have her back but she never felt emotionally safe with him, and he never offered. Steve, he had given her a lot of comfort and she did feel safe, but it had been a long time since she felt that around him or trusted him to look out for her. Adam, she never had to ask he just always knew when she needed him and was there. Like now, he didn't say much but he was here and he held her and she felt safe.

He nudged her after he'd let her sleep for a while. "Go to bed Darlin'."

Kim stretched "I could just stay here."

"Tempting, but while you may be comfortable, I am not." Slowly she prised herself off him. Kissing her softly he reassured her that it was going to be okay.

"You know, Daisy told Sergeant Howard that she'd seen us kissing."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. She never said anything to me. She never asked you?"

"No, never. Huh.." His smile was kinda cute; he just wanted this out in the open so they could get on with living. "Why do I get the feeling Daisy knows just about everything that's going on?" Daisy was a switched on little one that's for sure and because Adam had very little to do with children over the years he was constantly surprised by her and often found himself in long rambling conversations with her that had him rolling with laughter hours later.

"Hopefully not everything." Kim wrinkled her nose and shook her head as she laughed. "Are you coming?" She held out her hand when he made no move to get off the couch.

"I'll sleep here or in Oliver's room."

"No you won't. Come to bed Baby." Kim tugged on his hand. She was done; there was no point pretending or hiding or waiting anymore. Adam was in her life, he was the love of her life and every other goddamn person could just suck it up. She didn't care who knew anymore.

"What about Daisy?"

"Adam, come to bed please."


	33. Chapter 33 - Tickety Boo

Adam could hear the whispering, it was cute as they were obviously trying not to wake him. He didn't wake up next to Kim nearly as often as he liked and this was a bonus so he was willing to lie still and make the most of it. He loved watching and listening to Kim with her children; it was the purest of love and when she was at her most beautiful.

He felt Kim roll over and slide her hand low over his stomach when Daisy got out of bed, that he didn't need right now and she damn well knew it but it was hard to stop her. Kim had told Daisy to go to the bathroom and "then you can wake him and ask." He let her go for a minute and then grabbed her wrist. "Stop it."

"Ah, you are awake."

"Yes I am awake, but Baby please don't do that. It's not fair." Kim chuckled and rolled away a little as Daisy came back into the room. It was the first time they had spent the night together and just slept and they were both feeling it.

She crawled back onto the bed and knelt between them. "Adam." He smiled but didn't open his eyes. "Adam." She shook his arm lightly.

"Yes, Tickety Boo." She let out the cutest of giggles, she always giggled when he called her that. She had waggled her finger at Jay when he tried. _'That's just for Adam.'_

"Can we have pancakes for breakfast?" He prised one eye open to find the cutest pair of brown eyes staring at him. "Please?"

"You want me to make pancakes?"

"Yes please." She crawled even closer to him. "For Mommy too."

"Okay, one condition though." He beckoned her and Adam kissed her cheek before he whispered in her ear. "You need to stay here and give Mom lots of cuddles, okay?"

She nodded enthusiastically. He really didn't want to get up but how could he resist? The look on Kim's face was pure perfection, so much better than the tortured look she had last night. And Daisy, well after her day yesterday he was going to do anything to make her happy because if Kim saw that she was happy that would make her relax.

He made a coffee, taking one up for Kim and warm milk for Daisy. "Here you go my two lovely ladies." It was one of the most beautiful things he'd seen in a long while, Kim and Daisy propped up in bed together sipping their drinks. They shooed him out, demanding to know where their pancakes were.

When he reappeared with a tray laden with pancakes, bacon, maple syrup and chocolate chips he was welcomed like a returning hero. Also hidden on one side of the tray were a couple of gummy bears. That had come to mean a lot to them and Kim's face lit up when she saw them. It had almost become a way of saying 'I love you' although that was interchangeable with 'I want to have sex.' This morning she took it as both. Looks like he would need to stay another night, now there was no reason not too and that was a great feeling.

Adam had slept through the moment when Daisy first woke up. "Mommy?" she whispered, shaking her lightly. When Kim opened her eyes Daisy was beaming at her. "Adam's here." She sounded so excited.

"Yes he is." Kim loved that she looked so damn happy about it. "Is that okay?"

"Yes." Her daughter beamed at her while she was peering over her shoulder at Adam. "He's sleeping." She whispered.

"He is, so let's be really quiet so we don't wake him up just yet." Daisy snuggled down into Kim's arms again.

"I love Adam." Daisy let out the sweetest of laughs as Kim let her wriggle into her arms.

"So do I Baby."

Stacking the dishwasher and cleaning up the mess he had made Adam was surprised to hear the doorbell ring. "Hi." He opened the door to Daisy's Grandparents. He had seen enough photos of them to know who they were.

"You must be Oliver's Dad, Adam." George stuck out his hand for Adam to shake. Things just got a little awkward.

"Yes Sir. Nice to met you." He also shook Mary's hand. "Come in."

"We came to see how Daisy is? Is she okay?"

"She is. They are just upstairs, I'll let them know you are here." He ushered them through to the lounge room before bolting up the stairs to get Kim. Adam tried not to panic but he guessed the cat wasn't just half out of the bag now; it was full on running around the house.

"Kim will be down in a second." Heading back down with Daisy she was happily telling them about her ride in the Patrol car within seconds. "Can I make you a tea or coffee? Get you a drink?" Adam was hopping from foot to foot hoping that Kim would bloody well hurry up but at least Daisy was a bit of a buffer.

This was a completely new experience. Meeting your girlfriend's In-laws. Awkward didn't even come close to explaining it and he had no idea what to say so he said nothing and disappeared into the kitchen.

"You know that we love both those kids." George had followed him and Adam jumped a little at the sound of his voice.

"I do, and I know that they both adore you. Oliver talks about you a lot."

"He's a great kid."

"Yeah he is." Adam agreed.

"This is all surreal isn't it? The last year has been pretty rough."

"It was never my intention to stay. I just wanted to apologise to Kim for all the pain I'd caused and explain why I had to leave. I didn't know about Oliver. I always wanted her to be happy, all those years I was away I hoped that she was happy." Adam stopped what he was doing and faced Kim's Father-in-Law. "Once I knew about Oliver though I couldn't leave."

"I don't blame you. I imagine that finding out about Oliver was a shock."

"It was." He nodded as he leant against the bench. "Never in a million years did I expect to find out that I had a son."

"My father hit me as a child, a lot." George suddenly announced. "I never raised a hand to my children. Never. What my son did to Oliver was wrong. I'm sorry and when he raised his hand to him, my blood ran cold." Adam was pretty sure that nobody knew that it wasn't the first time Steve had hurt Oliver and it wasn't his place to tell George. Kim would be furious with him. He wasn't that concerned with people knowing what an asshole he was but they had to deal with this guy going forward because of Daisy and for that reason he did his best to accept Kim's wishes.

"It's not your fault. "

"No it's not, doesn't make it hurt less." George pulled out a chair and sat down heavily. Adam felt sorry for him. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to face up to the fact that your son could do something like this. "I am disappointed in my son."

"He needs help George." As much as Adam hated him he wasn't about to make this harder than it already was because being a dick about it wouldn't help Kim or Daisy and protecting them, along with Oliver was his only priority.

"I can't believe he left Daisy."

"Daisy is safe, she was smart and asked for the Police. She's okay and Kim is looking after her."

"And you? You'll look out for her, for all of them please?"

"I am, I will." He pushed himself off the bench with his hip and patted George on the shoulder.

Kim had made it downstairs having hastily gotten dressed. "Hi Mary." She greeted her with a kiss. Daisy was still happily chatting away although she had now moved onto the pancake breakfast in bed and Kim cringed a little at the pinched look on Mary's face.

"Daisy Sweetie, why don't you go and see where Pappy is?" Mary barely gave Daisy the chance to leave the room. "So you and Adam?"

"Yes, Adam and I." Kim nodded.

"I thought you said nothing was going on?"

"When you asked, at Christmas nothing was going on. It's only been the last two months. He usually doesn't stay overnight when Daisy is here and we only told Oliver recently."

Mary still looked pained. "Why the big secret?"

"We are just finding our feet, Adam and I are conscious of the fact that it doesn't just affect us, it affects Oliver and Daisy too." Mary seemed okay with that as far as Kim could tell. She didn't want to have a long and in-depth conversation about her boyfriend with her ex's mother. Neither did she want to tell them that Adam still had some rough days and issues and she didn't want to worry them about that. It was well controlled and they managed, despite his bouts of anxiety he fought hard to make sure it never affected the kids.

"I guess you are angry at Steve?"

"Furious."

"So am I. I can't believe he left her like that. I have no idea what happened. When he left the house he seemed happy but something obviously changed. Have you asked Daisy what happened?"

"No, I asked her this morning and she wouldn't say anything. She was so upset yesterday and all she said was that he went to the bathroom and didn't come back. As far as I know she was left for at least half an hour, maybe more. We haven't really talked about it yet, hopefully today we can talk about it a bit more."

While they were waiting for Adam to come back with breakfast Kim tried to talk to Daisy about what happened but she didn't really say anything. She started talking about the basket of fries and how she tried not to eat them but she was hungry, how she had eggs for breakfast and that Officer Bell was nice. "He sat in the back seat with me. I told him I was a big girl."

"Pappy." Daisy bounced into the kitchen. "Adam made me pancakes for breakfast. We had breakfast in bed."

"Well aren't you a lucky girl."

"Where's Daddy?" She climbed up into her Pappy's lap while Adam took the tea through to Mary and Kim. As soon as he walked through the door and saw Mary's eyes dart in his direction he figured it wasn't going so well in here. He popped the drinks on the table and beat a hasty exit. It was a little less frosty in the kitchen.

"You're Daddy is not very well right now sweetie."

"It made me sad and I was scared."

"I know sweetie, but I bet you were very brave?"

"Adam." She looked around as he came back into the kitchen. "I was brave wasn't I? Mommy and Adam came and got me. Adam bought me ice-cream." George was trying not to look upset for her sake.

"Yes you were." He touched her lightly on the cheek and George liked how happy Daisy looked with Adam. Lately she hadn't seemed all that happy around her father and as a Grandfather that was painful to see. He didn't give her a lot of attention or time and would often admonish her for the smallest of things and he hated seeing this beautiful girl retreat into her shell, that wasn't Daisy. Daisy was such a bright light in their lives. They'd seen it with Oliver and it was heartbreaking to see it happening again. His Granddaughter was the absolute apple of his eye and what his son was doing was so disappointing.

"Did Daddy leave me because he didn't love me anymore? Like he doesn't love Oliver." Adam saw the pained expression on Pappy's face. While this was hard for Daisy to understand it must have been torture for his parents. Watching your child fall apart had to hurt.

"Daisy your Daddy loves you so much, he will always love you." Adam crouched down so he was at Daisy's eye level. He could feel George watching him, waiting for him to throw his son under the bus but he never did. "You are lucky to have a Daddy that loves you so much."

"Like you love Ollie?" She cocked her head to the side and looked completely adorable. She was so much like Kim, her smile was more like her father but the eyes were all Kim, big and brown and beautiful.

"Absolutely."

"You love me too?"

"I do, very much. Pappy does too." He ruffled her hair lightly and then stood up and let her Grandfather hug the stuffing out of her.

George looked up at Adam and smiled and mouthed the words 'Thank you."

It took a lot of convincing for Kim to let Mary and George take the kids out for the afternoon. They were heading to their Sailing Club and often took both of the kids with them and they loved it. Adam convinced her that they would be okay and that perhaps it was better that they weren't here if Steve turned up.

Adam had picked up Ollie from Joey's house and he was happy to see his Grandparents at his house. It was hard to keep him away from them, it was unfair to punish them for their son's behaviour and Kim didn't want to rip more people from Ollie's life. He'd had enough instability and right now he was doing well.

"They are good people. I like them." He slipped his arms around her waist as she stood staring out the kitchen window as they pulled out of the driveway. "They love Oliver and Daisy."

"They do. They've always been good to them. Even Oliver, nothing changed with Oliver when Daisy came along. They loved him and treated him like he was their own flesh and blood." Kim was feeling comforted by Adam's strong arms. Pity her husband didn't have the same kind of heart that his parents did. "I always appreciated that."

 _'Kim, answer your fucking phone. I want to see Daisy.'_


	34. Chapter 34 - Grow a Set and Man Up

The instant Kim saw Steve's car pull into the drive she bolted out the door and charged at him across the yard. "Kim, I'm sorry." He got out of the car with his hands in his the air but that didn't stop her slapping him hard across the face before shoving him so hard he fell against the hood of his car.

Adam had let her go initially and watched from the window for a moment but as soon as he saw her slap him he took off, fearing that Steve was going to retaliate. This had gone from zero to a hundred in the blink of an eye but Steve did not move, he was too stunned by the ferocity of Kim.

"How could you? How could you leave her? She's four years old and you left her in a bar." Kim didn't care who heard her; the whole bloody neighbourhood could come and watch for all she cared.

"I'm sorry, okay? What else do you want me to say?"

"Nothing, I don't want you to say a fucking thing."

It was then that he saw Adam standing on the front porch, arms folded across his chest watching them. He wasn't surprised to see him, pissed off obviously but not surprised. "I guess he saved the day again huh?"

"Adam drove me to the Police Station to pick up your four year old daughter who you had abandoned in some sleazy bar, yes." Kim spat at him. "And don't you dare bring Adam into this, it's got nothing to do with him. This is about you.." she pushed him in the chest again. "..abandoning your daughter."

"Is Daisy okay? Is she here, I want to see her."

"She's not here and she was upset, she was hysterical when I picked her up from a Police Station. She cried herself to sleep last night." Kim was livid and seeing him again made her even angrier. "What the fuck do you care?"

"Don't tell me I don't care about Daisy." Steve threw back at her bitterly, pointing angrily at her. "You did this, you made this happen."

"I made this happen? How?"

"You walked out of our marriage. You gave up and for what?" He pointed at the porch where Adam was still standing. "For that. It was always him wasn't it?"

Kim refused to even acknowledge his jealous little rant, this was about Daisy not Adam. "You didn't fucking care when you got blind drunk yesterday and left her." Even from a distance Adam could see how tense and angry she was. He could hear her screaming at him, everyone could but he could also see it in her body language, she was teetering on the edge and he felt a little apprehensive and ready to bolt if things escalated.

"It was a mistake. Haven't you ever made a mistake? What's he doing here?" he pointed at Adam again. "I assume you are fucking him again."

Kim ignored him. "You can leave now."

"Not until I see Daisy."

"She's not here."

"Bullshit." He pushed past Kim and headed towards the house calling Daisy's name. The way he basically nudged her with his shoulder set Adam's teeth on edge. He flexed his hands by his side and stepped in front of Steve as he tried to get into the house.

"I think Kim asked you to leave."

"It's my fucking house. Get out of my way."

Adam stood his ground. "Daisy's not here."

"Where is she?" He stepped around Adam and stopped in the hallway, calling her name. Kim had followed him into the house. "Where the fuck is my daughter?" Swinging around Steve took a step towards Kim and she pushed him so hard in the chest that he stumbled a little. "Get out of my house."

"It's not your fucking house. It's our house and I can come and go as I please. Where is my daughter?" Regaining his balance he came at Kim who stood her ground.

When Kim went to push him again Adam grabbed her around the waist. "Kim, stop."

"Listen to him." Steve warned her, his eyes were wild and bloodshot and he was losing control, Kim had already lost hers and Adam was struggling to contain the situation. "Listen to you fuck buddy."

"You need to leave." Adam didn't let go of Kim even though she was fighting against being held. "This is not helping anyone."

"She was left in a bar." The last time Kim had felt this level of pain was when they told her that Adam was gone. "You left her in a bar. What if someone took her? Or hurt her? She's my baby girl."

Adam could sense a shift in Steve as Kim's desperate words hit home but Kim was having none of it. She was so far out of control Adam had no idea how to snap her out of it. She kept screaming at him to get out. When she finally stopped fighting against Adam he let her go and she slapped Steve one more time, the crack of her hand on his face was fierce and fled upstairs.

"Guess I deserved that." Her husband felt the heat on his cheek.

"Probably more."

"I fucked up."

"Yep."

"I never meant to hurt Daisy. Is she okay? Really?"

"She's not hurt physically." Adam couldn't believe he was standing here having this conversation. All he really wanted to do was beat the living shit out of the guy. He couldn't stand the sight of him.

"You and Kim huh?"

Adam just glared at him and the only thing he could do with his hands was shove them in his pockets because they were twitching, itching for a fight. He was giving him nothing, the fact that he wasn't face down on the floor, bleeding was a bonus and he had no intention of admitting anything. It would have been so easy but this was already way out of control and he was scared that if he started he wouldn't be able to stop himself.

"Do you think she will ever forgive me?"

"You've got a fucking long road ahead of you. You need to sort your shit out, get your drinking under control and grovel on your knees. You are a fucking coward and a gutless prick but despite all that Daisy is your daughter; she needs you. She needs her Dad, stop letting her down. Stop being a fucking asshole, grow a set and man up." Adam didn't mince his words.

"Can you talk to Kim for me? Tell her I'm sorry. I will sort myself out, I promise."

"You're kidding right?" Adam laughed in his face. "I am not going into bat for you. This is all just words, you need to prove it." He walked over to the door and opened it indicating that he needed to leave. "You start proving it and maybe Kim will come around. She is angry right now, rightly so but she does know that Daisy loves you."

He literally slammed the door behind him and watched to make sure he got in the car and left before heading upstairs to find Kim. "What are you doing?" He found her in Daisy's room grabbing clothes out of her closet and shoving them in a bag.

"Packing."

"Okay?" Not the answer he expected. "Can I ask why?"

"We are not staying here. I need to find a new house."

"Okay, okay." He grabbed Kim's hands and tried to get her to look at him but she wouldn't meet his eyes. "Okay, but not right now."

"Can we stay at your place tonight? I don't want to stay here." She was terrified that Steve will come back and he was right, technically Steve still owned half of it. It was their house together and while she knew the kids loved it here if she wanted to start a life with Adam they needed to move. This was a little sudden though.

"Sure. It'll be a little cramped but we can."

"Fine." She yanked her hands free. "I will find somewhere else if you don't want to help me. We'll stay in a motel or something." Getting Kim to calm down and listen to him wasn't easy, he was half expecting her to lash out of him and was bracing himself for it.

"Hey." Adam again searched her face until she looked at him. "You can stay with me. I just said it's a little small but I am not letting you go anywhere else."

"Good." Kim pulled her hands away from Adam and disappeared into Oliver's room next and started reefing stuff out of his closet. Adam followed her and watched as her movements slowed. "You think I am stupid?"

"No, no I don't. I am worried about you though. I want you to sit down with me for a few minutes."

"I can't." She roughly tugged at that band that was holding her ponytail back and pulled it out before running her hands back through her hair and tying it back up again. "Let me do this."

"Okay." He let her go but didn't stop watching her. Any minute she was going to fall and he needed to be there to catch her. After finishing in Oliver's room she moved into her own and did the same thing and Adam just followed behind her, taking the bags from her hands and placing them in the hallway when she was finished packing them.

Suddenly she sat down on the bed and her head sagged. "This is stupid."

"No it's not." Adam had been waiting for this chance. "You want to keep your kids safe, that's not stupid."

"You think I am being stupid though."

"I don't think you are being stupid, you are upset and you have every reason to be. If you will feel safer at my place then we will stay there. I don't care where you stay but wherever that is I will be there with you."

"Yeah?"

"Yes." For the first time since Steve left Kim let Adam touch her. She had pulled away from him every other time he had tried to get hold of her. He kissed her hand and then her forehead letting his lips stay there for as long as she leant into him.

Adam talked to Steve's parents when they dropped Oliver and Daisy off. Kim asked him to tell them that Steve had been here but not to tell them that they were staying at his place. "They don't know where you live so Steve won't find out."

"I know you want to keep him away from Daisy at the moment and that's okay, it really is. I want to as well but eventually though you need to talk to him again."

"Why the hell should I?"

"Because he is Daisy's father and she is going to want to see him."

"I can tell you it won't be anytime soon."

Oliver was happy to find out that they were staying at his Dad's place and Daisy was excited because she had never stayed there before. Fortunately Adam had bought Oliver a double bed so that Daisy could share with him. Adam did offer to share with Oliver and let Kim and Daisy have his bed.

Kim shook her head. Oliver was happy to show Daisy to his room as soon as they got to Adam's place, even if sharing a bed with his sister wasn't what he wanted to be doing. However the alternative of not being at his Dad's place was worse. Kim turned to Adam when they left the room, they could hear them chatting away happily from the bedroom. "I think I need just to be with you. I know they are safe here."

Once the kids were asleep Adam was waiting for Kim on the couch with a glass of scotch. She settled in beside him and fell against his chest. "You okay?" Adam ran his hand up and down her arm.

"Right now, yes."

"Good." He reached over and grabbed his laptop. "Okay, let's find us somewhere to live."

"You don't want me here do you?"

"Kim, listen to me. I said let's find us somewhere to live. Us, all of us. You, me and those two beautiful children of yours."

She sat up quickly. "You want us to live together?"

"Yes."

"Really? What's changed?"

"Ten fucking years of heartache and bullshit, that's what changed." Adam sounded pissed. Why the hell would she say that? He never said he didn't want to live with her; she was practically living with him at the time anyway. Then Al rocked in with Michelle and suddenly she was up his ass about finding another place. When he didn't jump up and down with joy at the thought of moving again Kim freaked out. That was a long time ago, why was that relevant now?

"Adam, I didn't mean it like that."

"What did you mean?"

"Nothing. I was just surprised and it's a little quick. It's been a pretty stressful weekend. Are you sure you are ready for the whole family thing?"

He swallowed the rest of his scotch but wouldn't look at her. "I am ready to be with you." That's all he wanted, to be with her. Whatever it took, he had waited long enough. This sporadic time together wasn't enough.

"It's boring and monotonous, day in day out. Getting them organised, dropping them off at school, cooking dinner, making lunch, and doing laundry. It doesn't stop."

"Kim. I get to spend precious little time with you as it is. If I can fall into bed with you every night that's gotta be better than what we have right now. I hate leaving early; I hate leaving your bed. I hate only waking up with you every second weekend. I don't want to hide it anymore."

"Well now that everyone knows and Daisy has had your pancakes in bed I think we can stop that."

"Probably, but I want more. I want it all. I've waited a lifetime for this, isn't that long enough?"

Kim grabbed the laptop, wiggled around and popped it up on her legs so they could look at it together as they searched for their new home.

Oliver was still asleep and Kim was in the shower when Daisy wandered out of the bedroom in the morning. "Adam." She leant on his legs, still rubbing sleep from her eyes. Her hair was a crazy mess but she looked so cute and he brushed it back from her forehead. He adored this little girl and he loved the family feel of the morning even though it was barely 630am.

"Good Morning TIckety Boo, did you have a good sleep?"

"Oliver kicked me."

"Huh, I bet you kicked him too." Kim was always bemoaning the fact that Daisy was a restless sleeper. "Breakfast?"

"Do you have cheerios?"

"I do indeed." Adam asked her to sit up at the table while he got her cereal.

"Adam." She propped herself up on her knees at the table and waited with her chin resting in her hands. Adam thought she looked just about perfect right now. "Are you Mommy's boyfriend? Oliver told me. I seen you kiss Mommy."

"Yes I am." Sliding the bowl in front of her she looked thoughtful. "Are you okay with that?"

"Yes. Mommy's happy. Not like Daddy's girlfriend, she got angry and yelled and threw things at Daddy and that's when we went to the bar."

 _What the hell?_ "Well that's not good." Adam tried to sound normal, he was pretty sure that Kim had no idea that Steve was seeing anyone. He sat down at the table with his coffee and watched as Daisy tucked into her cereal. "Why was she angry?"

"I think she was angry at me." Daisy kept shovelling the cheerios in. He could hear Kim trying to get Oliver moving. They needed to get them to school and they both needed to get to work. "I don't think she liked me."

"Well that's impossible. Who doesn't like my Tickety Boo?" Daisy giggled a little and beamed at Adam. "Why do you think that?"

"She was saying bad words, those words that Mom tells you not to say and pointing at me." Those words that Kim always told Adam off for were 'fuck, shit, dickhead and bitch' or more precisely it was usually 'son-of-a-bitch'. Adam frowned a little. She had loose lips this one, especially around Adam and would often tell him things that went on. Most of the time, when she talked about her Dad Adam just let it slide, until now it had all been pretty innocent stuff. Staying up late, eating candy for breakfast and watching stuff on TV that Kim would have a fit about.

"Did she like you before? Was she just angry?"

"I don't know. Daddy never took me there before."

"Okay, she didn't hurt you did she?"

"No."

"That's good. That would upset me, it would upset your Mom."

"Like when Daddy hit Oliver, that made Mommy cry and Oliver. I was scared."

Adam asked her to come sit on his lap and he wrapped his arms around her, kissing the top of her unruly head softly. "Mom and I promise to keep you safe okay? If Daddy or anyone hurts you, you need to tell me okay? I don't want you to get hurt, ever."

"Okay." She reached over and grabbed the half eaten bowl of cereal and continued. "Are we staying here again tonight?"

"I think so, do you want too."

"Yes. It's like a holiday." Kim was surprised to see Daisy and Adam at the table. It was the cutest thing ever and she could definitely get used to seeing that everyday.

"Good Morning." she kissed Adam's upturned face and then Daisy. "Did you sleep okay?"

"I did, I always do with you. It's awesome." Adam replied cheekily and she slapped his arm playfully.

"I was talking to Daisy, but thanks for your input."

"Adam says we are staying here again tonight."

"Probably. Adam will pick you up from school today okay?" She had afterschool care organised but Adam finished about 4pm so would grab them both afterwards.

They dropped them off at school and then he would swing by the District and drop Kim off. "Did you know Steve had a girlfriend?" Adam decided to just put it out there.

"No."

"Daisy told me. She said that's why they ended up at the bar because his girlfriend was angry with him."

"I didn't know." It wasn't a surprise though, she had moved on and she couldn't expect him not to. Surprisingly she didn't feel anything. It would have been nice to know considering he carried on like a pork chop about Adam spending time with Daisy and now there was a strange woman in Daisy's life that she didn't know about. That wasn't fair.

"Daisy thinks that this girl doesn't like her." He could see Kim getting worked up; he rested a hand on her leg. "She didn't hurt Daisy."

"Well I would like to meet her, if she's around Daisy. I have that right."

"You wanna do a background check?"

Kim turned her head to look at him and let out a little chuckle. "Of course."

That would require Kim talking to her ex and right about now it was the last thing she wanted to do. Every time she thought about it she just got angrier. Being with Adam last night had helped calm her; he was patient when she was still a little erratic. Even when they were looking for places to live she would suddenly snap at him. He would just kiss her forehead or cheek or hand and let it go.

When they finally crawled into bed he certainly managed to keep her mind of her ex, he was good at that. He was good at a lot of things, and some things he was exceptional. He even made her laugh when he told her, just before he dived headlong into her that "Your mama bear show got me a little hot and bothered."

Kevin screwed up his nose as Kim hit the reject button on her phone for the fourth time in the past hour. "What's got you so hot under the collar?" He swung their car out into the traffic having refused to let Burgess drive after lunch claiming she was a little crazy today. "What did Ruzek do now?"

"Adam did nothing." Kevin knew, from personal experience that it was quite often his fault that Joelle was annoyed and assumed that Ruzek often suffered the same fate. Unexpected blame for something you didn't actually know you'd done. Wasn't it how the world worked?

"So what didn't he do then?"

"Back off Atwater this has nothing to do with Adam, he's been great." She let out a long slow breath. "Steve abandoned Daisy in a Bar downtown on Saturday, we had to pick her up from the 31st."

Well that was one way to get his attention. "What the fuck do you mean he abandoned her?"

"He got blind drunk after, apparently having a fight with his girlfriend that I never knew about and staggered out of the bar without her."

"I might just beat the living shit out of this guy shortly."

"Get in line."

"Are you going to let Ruzek at him? I will back him up? We can make the charges go away."

"No Kevin, I am not letting Ruzek at him and you will not help him." Although Adam had certainly offered, she was actually surprised he managed to keep his hands to himself when Steve was at the house yesterday although he did spend a fair portion of that time holding her back from beating the living shit out of him.

"So my little Boo got picked up from her first Cop Shop? Thought it'd be my boys first." Kevin laughed a little and Kim short him a disgusted look.

"Glad you think this is funny."

"It's not funny, not in the slightest. It was a joke." He honestly did look remorseful; he looked at her from the corner of his eye, biting his bottom lip. "Too early."

"Way too early." Kim eventually smiled. "I was hoping it'd be your boys too."

"Now what's this about a girlfriend?"

"That was a surprising twist in the tale that Daisy shared with Adam this morning."

Suddenly Kev forgot all about the girlfriend and traffic signals it seemed as he almost ran a red light. "Adam, this morning? You mean you finally let him spend the night? About time."

"Focus Kev." She pointed to the red light and he slammed on the brakes.

"We stayed at his place last night, all of us. I can't stay in that house. We are looking for something else, together."

"About bloody time."

"It's good right? Isn't it? I mean we haven't been back together long, it's not rushed is it? Adam is really keen."

"Really? I suppose being dead for nearly a decade kinda makes you take nothing for granted. You've loved him a long time Kim, your kids love him. He's Oliver's father, it's time you were a family. Sure a little back to front and not what you'd call normal but it's time to have the life you always wanted with him."

"You're right."

"Damn straight I'm right." He pulled into the District parking lot. "Now, what's this chicks name, I want to run a background check make sure my little Boo is good with her."


	35. Chapter 35 - Every Single Beat

**_A/N: Just because it is a big day in the #onechicago universe I thought you all deserved a treat._**

The house was deathly quiet. Kim had told Adam that she was going home after work to grab some more clothes for her and the kids and that she had organised a meeting with Steve. He offered to come with her to talk to him but they had met for lunch and there was no way he could get out of work. Kevin had called him when she didn't come back to work after her lunch.

He tried calling her but got no answer and the brief text she sent filled him with no joy. _'I'm fine. Stop nagging.'_ She was anything but fine.

He knew she was here because her car was parked outside and he found her sitting on the bedroom floor, back against the bed in an almost catatonic state. "Kim Darlin'." He dropped down to his knees beside her and when she looked up at him he could tell she had been crying for hours. "What happened?" Her eyes were puffy and red and unfortunately she had snot pouring out of her nose. She wiped her face angrily on her sleeve.

When he went to tilt her face up so he could make sure she wasn't hurt Kim pushed him away. "Don't touch me."

"Hey, Darlin.'" He sat back on his heels and tentatively rested on hand on her knee but she pulled it away and Adam started to panic. "Babe, talk to me. Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

"Hurt me?" she choked out. "You all do. That's all you ever do is hurt me. You lied to me, he lied."

Adam was having a hard time following her and he was doing his best to stay calm but she was seriously freaking him out. "You are not making sense, Kim." He reached out for her again, holding her cheek gently and when she didn't pull away he slowly lifted her face and he was shocked to see the agony in her eyes. "What happened?" he asked again.

"His girlfriend, he's been seeing her for two years. Two fucking years." Adam didn't need to be a genius to work out that math.

"Oh Baby."

"You are all fucking liars."

"Not all of us."

"You lied, you were alive and you didn't tell me. That's lying, you let me believe you were dead." She pushed him away again but Adam came right back.

"Okay, we are not doing that now. I know you don't mean that."

"She wasn't the first. He got fired from his job because he was screwing someone in the office." She buried her head into her knees and let out an almighty sob. Adam kissed the back of her head and slipped an arm around her shoulders. "Why would he do this? How could he?"

"I don't know Darlin'." And he didn't but he did want to beat the living daylights out of him.

He had waited until Kim bought up the girlfriend before he admitted what had gone on that day. He had asked about Daisy and apologised again for leaving her and promised that he was getting himself sorted out. He told her about the Rehab he was looking into and that his parents agreed to support him through that.

"Why were you drunk before lunch when you had Daisy with you?" Kim's eyes narrowed. "What happened?"

"I don't know, it was just a bad day." He shrugged, he had lied to her for so long that he had become a little complacent. He forgot that this was what she was good at, reading people and finding out their secrets.

"So it had nothing to do with your girlfriend?" Years of interrogation had served her well. The expression on her face did not change but his did, his poker face slipped.

"Daisy told you."

"Daisy told Adam, yes. So?" His lip curled a little bit and he did have to swallow the snide remark he had ready to go about Oliver's father. He was insanely jealous about the guy; he couldn't help it. Kim knew and she was baiting him, knowing full well he wouldn't be able to control himself.

"She was upset, Sarah was upset. I hadn't told her I had a daughter."

"Why not?"

"It never came up." Trying to slip back under his robe of deceit wasn't quite so easy all of a sudden.

"Bullshit." Kim could smell his lies a mile off. When you didn't have so much of yourself invested in believing in someone the lies stood like a beacon.

"Fine, I didn't want Daisy to know because she would blab to you, which she obviously did at the first opportunity." He sat back, waving his hand nonchalantly, honestly believing that he could still get away with this. He knew that Daisy didn't know enough to say something that would hang him but then again it was bound to come out eventually.

"Why did you think I would care if you were seeing someone? I would have liked to have met her like you demanded to meet Adam before Daisy had."

Something in his eyes unsettled Kim. "Because she doesn't really like kids and she had no idea about Daisy."

"Why would you want to hide Daisy from her?"

"I don't know, it was getting harder to keep it from her and…" he avoided her eyes, running his finger around the rim of his coffee mug. "…she didn't know that I was married."

"You weren't married anymore, we were separated. You are a free man, you can date whoever you want."

"Not when I started seeing her."

"What?" Kim thought she'd heard wrong.

"I've been seeing Sarah on and off for almost two years."

"Two years?" Kim almost vomited on the table. "We've only been apart a year."

"I know."

"I…" she stuttered, reaching for her glass of water and taking a small sip, her mouth had suddenly gone dry. "How many others?"

"Only one other. At work, before I got fired." There was little point in lying or trying to soften the blow now. He'd ripped the Band-Aid off and now it was just a matter of making sure the bleeding wasn't irreversible.

"Is that why?"

"Yes." He looked down at his hands. "Kim, I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" When he reached across the table for her hands she snatched them away. "Don't you dare fucking touch me."

"Kim."

"So let me get this straight." She was spinning and she pressed her fingers to her temples. "You got fired because you were screwing someone at work, you basically bummed around at home feeling sorry for yourself for getting caught and you drank yourself into oblivion. What for? Guilt?"

Her voice was unnaturally calm. "You abused my baby boy, you gave him a black eye and begged me to take you back and all the time you were fucking around with Sharon."

"Her name is Sarah."

"I don't fucking care what her name is. You cheated on me for more than a year."

"You were never home."

"No, because I was out busting my ass to keep my family together." Kim had an overwhelming urge to hurt him. "Do you think I liked being away from my children so much? Especially when I knew what a dick you had become."

"You didn't care about me. It was all the job for you."

"You knew how intense Intelligence was and that hadn't changed from the day we met." He wasn't laying that guilt trip on her; no way was he blaming her for this. "So, getting back to you. You were screwing around on me for more than a year, you abused my son, you abandoned your daughter in a bar, anything else you want to confess since we are getting this all out in the open."

"How long have you been fucking Adam?"

"Not as long as you've been screwing your girlfriend, but I will tell you it's great, I actually remember now how great sex can be. I haven't had that feeling for such a long time, nine years in fact." Kim was being petty, she knew that would prick at his delicate male ego but she didn't really give a shit right now. "So what happened, she met Daisy and kicked you out?"

"Yes. Are you happy?"

"Happy? I had to comfort my son after you hit him, when he cried because he didn't understand why you stopped loving him. I had to watch as you made his life hell. I had to watch as both my children stood and watched you trying to hurt me. I had to pick my child up from a Police Station, my four-year-old daughter because you were too drunk to even remember you had a daughter. I am fucking ecstatic." She grabbed her bag. "Don't think you'll be seeing Daisy anytime soon."

"You can't keep me away from Daisy."

"Watch me."

Steve reached across the table and grabbed her wrist making her wince as his fingernails dug into her flesh. "Don't you dare."

"Don't I dare what? Protect my child from her abusive alcoholic father? Watch me." Then she did one thing she had never done, she pulled her badge laid it on the table. "Your choice, let me go and I won't use this to bring CPD down on your ass so quickly your head would spin or perhaps and I will call Al and Voight." Those two names would probably put more fear into him than all of CPD.

He let her go.

She had stopped railing against Adam and was now lying with her head in his lap. They were still sitting on the floor of the bedroom and it was getting darker outside and there was barely any light in the room. She was quiet and rolled over so that her head was buried into his stomach. All he could do was run his hands through her hair and stroke her back.

"Kim, honey. Where are the kids?"

"The kids?"

"Yes, Oliver and Daisy. Where are they?"

"Ummm, with your mother. I sent her a message. Oh God, are they not with her?" Kim tried to sit up, her eyes widened and full of fear. He grabbed her phone and checked the messages from his mother who had them at home. Kim had replied to her so she knew they were safe but in the murky mess that was her brain right now she had obviously forgotten. Adam reassured her that they were fine and he felt the tension leave her body again.

"I will call her and ask her to keep them for a while."

"No" Kim shook her head and sat up again. "I don't want them to know. Please don't tell your Mom, don't tell them."

"I won't but she can give them dinner and I will pick them up later." He lowered her back down into his lap and called his mother, telling her that Kim had a few rough days and was feeling a little battered and they just needed some time alone.

"Is this about Daisy and the Police?" Adam smiled just a little, trust Daisy to still be talking about that. It was the highlight of her weekend taking a ride in a Cop Car and he knew she had taken great delight in sharing that with all her friends at school too first thing on Monday morning.

"Yeah." He was watching Kim, her eyes were closed and at least she seemed relatively calm. "Anyway I will come and get them later."

"No." Kim whispered. "Can they stay? I don't want them to see me like this."

Janet agreed to keep them overnight and Adam would pick them up early in the morning before school. He didn't mind, Kim was in no fit state to see them or deal with any of their questions but he promised to call them later and talk to them.

He went back to just sitting with her, his poor heartbroken baby. You would think he would be worried why she was so upset about finding out her husband had been unfaithful to her and whether that was because she still loved him but he wasn't. He kind of knew how she felt, he wasn't with her when she slept with Roman but it didn't mean that it didn't still hurt. Although he was still in love with her at the time so the situation was a little different.

The only thing he could do to help her right now was hold onto her, tell her he loved her and wait it out. It was now dark outside and the only light they had was from the streetlight through the open blind in the bedroom. "Baby, we need to get up." Eventually his ass was as numb as all get out and he needed to move.

Kim sat up slowly. "I don't want to talk right now."

"Then we won't but I need to get up and get you home." Kim's mouth twisted into a little smile. She liked that he had started calling his place their home because that was how she felt and it wasn't because of the physical building. Her home was with Adam and wherever he was that's where she needed to be now.

He got her home and made her have a shower while he called the kids. "Is Mom working? Why can't we stay with you?" Oliver wasn't happy about staying here, they had just started staying with Adam and he really liked being around his Dad all the time.

"Mom's not feeling great so please just stay with Grandma tonight. I will come and have breakfast with you in the morning and take you to school."

"Is it Steve?" Oliver flat out asked him. It had taken a while but Oliver had opened up to his Dad about how he felt about what happened. "I tried Dad, I did." He had told him one day when they were out fishing. "I didn't know what I'd done wrong."

"It wasn't you Oliver, please don't think that. I've talked to your Mom and I know how hard you tried."

"You talk to Mom about me?"

"All the time. I kinda drive her nuts some days wanting to know every single thing about you. I know when you first smiled, laughed, crawled, and walked. I know your first words. Everything."

"Really?"

"Every single thing." Adam assured him. Like his Dad, every now and then Oliver's anxiety still affected him.

"When you first knew about me. That day in Al's kitchen what did you think?"

"I was pretty shocked to be honest. When I got to Pop's I was a bit angry because your Mom didn't tell me right away but it didn't last long. I wanted to meet you. That first day we spent together.." Adam smiled at him, rubbing his head lightly. "…Best day of my life."

"I'm glad you wanted to be my Dad,"

"Oliver, not as happy as I am to actually be your Dad."

Adam knew that Oliver was going to stress out about his mother and he didn't know how much to tell him. Kim didn't want them to know and he had to respect her wishes. "She's okay Buddy."

"He didn't hurt her did he?"

"No Bud, Mom is not hurt. I promise you, I wouldn't lie to you and I am looking after her." Although he had seen the red marks on one of her wrists as he undressed her for the shower. Kim saw him looking at it and pulled her hand away.

"What's that?"

"He grabbed my arm. I was leaving and I told him he wasn't going to be seeing Daisy anytime soon." The way she looked at Adam and he knew that was the end of it. She wasn't going to talk about it anymore so he let it go for now. He left her to shower and busied himself tidying up his lounge; having three other people in his small apartment certainly had turned his world upside down. There was stuff from one end of the place to the other and Daisy had certainly made herself at home. His place was an explosion of pink and dolls and top of all the stuff he had accumulated from having Oliver stay with him.

"Can I get you something to eat or drink?" He asked as he came back into the bedroom. Kim was sitting on the edge of the bed, wrapped in a towel and looking so desperately sad. She shook her head. She was pretty sure that trying to eat something would make her vomit.

Adam crouched down in front of her and rested his hands on her thighs. "I love you, so much."

"I know."

"It hurts my heart to see you so upset." And it did, he hated this. He was so desperate to fix her, to say something that would make this hurt less.

"I feel like a fool."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't know, all the shit I put up with, the drinking, the disappearing, the way he treated Oliver and for so long I gave him a leave pass because he was my husband."

He rested a hand on her cheek. "It's not your fault Kim, you loved him and believed in him. He was Daisy's father you had to believe in him."

"You never liked him."

"No." and that was the truth. "But I am biased. By the time I met him I knew he had treated you and Oliver like shit, then all the other crap. And perhaps I was a little jealous."

"Jealous?"

"He'd been sleeping with you for years, a lot longer than I ever did." It sounded as stupid coming out of his mouth as it did in his head.

He was smiling just a little and Kim couldn't help herself and eventually he saw the faintest of smiles. "That's just stupid Adam."

"I know, but still." He shrugged. "I don't like the thought of anyone sleeping with you. I only like to think of me loving you, adoring you and touching you." He kissed her thighs lightly and watched as she closed her eyes.

"Can you now?"

"Can I what? Love you?"

"Yes."

"Lie back Baby." He stood up and undid the towel as she lay back on the bed and then spent the next hour loving and kissing every inch of her.

Adam slipped out of bed when Kim drifted off to sleep. He called Kev knowing that he was worried if the numerous calls and texts were anything to go by. They had eased back into their old friendship pretty quickly, after a few uncomfortable moments early on they just clicked again. He knew that Kim would probably be pissed with him for talking to Kevin about this but he needed to vent a little.

"How's Burgess? She okay? What'd he do this time?"

Adam chuckled, Kevin didn't even give him the chance to speak. "You know her ex, just being an ass."

"He wasn't always this bad, I never would have let her marry him if I thought he was such a dick."

Adam squeezed his eyes shut. He could feel the start of a headache creeping up on him. "I hope not."

"He was good to her."

"He hasn't been good to her for quite a while Kev." Adam picked at a loose thread on the arm of his couch. At least dealing with this pushed aside everything else going on with him. The CFD stuff was creeping up on him fast and he was desperate to do well. He didn't want to let anyone down and it was also another step towards putting his past firmly behind him and that made him a little anxious. He'd let people down before and it never made him feel good.

"True. Lately has been rough, but he was a good guy."

"No, Kev he hasn't been a good guy for years. You know he's got a girlfriend?"

"Yeah Kim told me, they had a fight and that's when he left Boo."

"Kev, he's been seeing her for two years."

It took a second for Atwater to connect the dots. Adam waited quietly until he did. "No."

"Yep, man I want to beat the living shit out of him." Adam sucked in some air between his clenched teeth. "He cheated on her and he hit my son."

"Whoa, whoa Ruzek back up man. What you talkin' about?"

"You didn't know?" Of course Adam knew that Kevin had no idea about Steve hitting Oliver, Kim had been pretty firm on that. Now he was hoping she just didn't care anymore.

"Know what?"

"That black eye Oliver had a few years ago."

"Fuck, Kim never said a word. What the fuck?" He could hear that Kevin was now pacing around. Adam did like how protective Kevin was of Kim, they had such a long history together right back to their Patrol days. The fact that they had become partners again in Intelligence was testament to how well they worked together and knew each other and supported each other. There was never an ulterior motive with them and when Adam wasn't around he tried to take comfort in the fact that he knew that Kevin would be there to pick up the pieces, the pieces of her life that he had obliterated.

"Do you remember it?"

"I do, she didn't say nothin' about him hitting Ollie. Man, I would have killed him."

"Perhaps that's why she didn't say anything."

"Whatcha doing about that?"

"Right now, I am looking after Kim. She's pretty cut up, she's asleep now for a bit. I'm spinning man, I love this woman like you wouldn't believe, my heart beats because of her and she's hurting and I can't make it stop." Adam looked up and saw Kim, dressed in one of his shirts and a pair of shorts standing in the doorway, he had no idea how long she had been there or how much she had heard.

"You have man, you've made the pain stop. She hurt for nine years and now she doesn't. This is just a bump in the road, we'll deal with it." His eyes never left her face as Kev talked, she still looked so sad and it broke his heart.

"Kev, I gotta go man, Kim's up."

He hung up and leapt up from the couch. "You're up. Can I get you anything? Something to eat?"

"I am a bit hungry."

Adam kissed her forehead and headed into the kitchen to make her a toasted sandwich and a cup of tea. She followed him slowly and sat up on a stool at the bench and watched him making her something to eat. "You were talking to Kevin?'

"He was worried about you, he'd been calling me all day when you didn't come back from lunch."

"Did you tell him?'

"Yes I did." He nodded without looking at her.

"Why?"

"Because I didn't know what else to do, he's your partner and we are all worried about you. I needed to talk to someone." He held his breath when he also added. "And I also told him that Steve hit Oliver."

Surprisingly Kim didn't freak out like he was expecting. "He wants to kill Steve right?"

"Yep."

"I don't know if I want to stop him." Adam caught just a hint of a smile. "I did like what you said though."

"About what?"

"That your heart beats because of me. Do you believe that?"

Adam came and stood in front of her, his hands holding onto her neck, his fingers tangled in her hair and he leant close to her lips. "Every single beat." He whispered before he kissed her softly.

"I'm gonna focus on that."

"Good." Adam sat and watched her as she ate. They didn't talk much but she did ask if he had spoken to the kids. He left out the part where Oliver asked if Steve had hurt her worried that it would send her back over the edge. He'd only just got her feet back on the ground.

"We going to look at those couple of houses on the weekend?"

"Do you still want too?" Kim, for some reason was worried that Adam was going to change his mind now.

"Yes Kim, we need to find a place of our own. This is too small for all of us. I've loved having you here, you know that but Oliver and Daisy don't need to be sharing a bedroom." Scratching at his little bit of stubble he added. "I want to be a full time father to Oliver. I want to be there when he goes to sleep at night and have breakfast with him in the mornings. I want to be around all the time for all of you. I need to be around my family." He had wanted to tell her that for a while but wasn't sure how well it would be received. He was worried she'd think it was too soon and that were rushing into things.

"Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

Adam just smiled at his woman. "Well I'm gonna love you til the day I die." He grabbed the empty plate from in front of her and bent down and kissed her forehead. "For real this time."

"Don't say that."

"Okay, this never ends though. You and me don't end. I've told you that."

Kim couldn't go back to the house, she hated that place right now so Adam and Kevin headed over and grabbed some more of their stuff. not that Adam had any idea where to put everything. They were bursting at the seams. Kim gave him a list of clothes and boxes that she wanted. She stayed with Joelle and gave the kids a chance to run amok together.

Adam and Kevin were just sorting through the last of the stuff when Adam saw the car pull into the driveway.

"What the fuck do you want?" As Atwater came downstairs he heard Adam talking to someone and was surprised to see Steve in the house. Adam saw him but Steve had his back to the stairs and had no idea Atwater was there. If he'd known he might not have goaded Adam the way he did. Atwater was bouncing on his toes lightly, he was just waiting for one sign and he would be on him like ants on a picnic.

"Where's Daisy? Where's Kim?" His lip curled into a snarl. "Shacked up with you now doubt. You better not be touching my daughter."

"Like I am going to tell you."

"Where are they? You can't keep me from Daisy."

"I can do whatever I want." Adam advanced on Steve. "You are a fucking piece of shit, you think I am gonna let you anywhere near them right now."

"You don't scare me." Steve taunted. Adam had serious doubts on the mental capacity of this guy. What Kim saw in him he would never know. Nothing he'd seen so far pointed to the fact he was even a half way decent guy.

Atwater just folded his arms and watched with a slight smile on his face as Adam punched him twice. It was a sickening thud when his fist connected with his jaw and the one to his gut sent him crashing to the floor. Adam was standing over him. "Get up you weak dog."

"You'll pay."

Adam laughed. "I don't care. Come at me. You hit my son; you cheated on your wife and left your daughter in a bar. People will probably be lining up to give me a fucking medal for laying you out."

Adam dragged him up by the scruff of his neck and Steve managed to land one punch to Adam's ribs. He had caught him off guard and he lost his balance momentarily but Adam got one more off and probably broke his nose and that was very satisfying. It was then that Atwater stepped in. "Oh so now you do something." He snarled at Kevin.

"Dude, you are lucky he got to you first." Atwater dragged him towards the door and pushed him through it before turning to Adam. "You okay Bro?"

He shook his fist and grimaced a little. His hand was throbbing and his ribs certainly felt like they had been hit but man he felt good. "Kim's gonna be pissed at me."

"Nah, I'll tell her is was self defence but man she can't stay here."

"No shit."

They finished up as quickly as possible and Adam asked Kev not to say anything to Kim. She had blocked Steve's number at the moment so he knew that it was unlikely that he would blab. He just didn't want to stress her out anymore than she already was.

"Adam?" Kim sat up quickly. "What the hell is this?" She lifted his shirt and saw the bruise just starting to colour up. He had managed to keep it quite all day, even though it had hurt like hell when Kim and Daisy both hugged him at one point but when she went to lie against him on the couch he couldn't stop the gasp from coming out.

"I got in a fight."

"At the house? With Steve?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want to upset you. You're stressed enough as it is."

"What happened?" At least she didn't sound as angry as he thought she would.

"He turned up, he was a dick." He shrugged. "So I hit him, several times. He got one shot off." Adam pointed to the red mark on his chest.

Kim leant down and kissed it. "Is that better?"

"Yes. A little." Adam grabbed her ponytail and wrapped it around his hand before pulling her down for a kiss. "Actually, No it's not better. I need more."

Kim jumped up and held out one hand. "Let me take you to bed and look after you." Adam didn't need to be asked twice. "And Baby.." she stopped before they reached the bedroom. "Thank you."


	36. Chapter 36 - You Weren't Here

"Adam." They were in Daisy's new bedroom trying to find her pyjamas. She had helpfully put away her clothes this morning but now they had no idea where anything was and technically Adam was looking for them and Daisy was doing her thing, stark naked.

"Yes, Tickety Boo." He was having no luck and Daisy was too busy dancing to the music in her own head to help. He at least wanted her dressed ready for bed when Kim got home and she had already messaged him to say she was on her way.

"Is my Daddy coming to my birthday party?"

That had come a little out of the blue. She hadn't talked about him much lately. Since the incident with the Bar he had finally checked himself into Rehab and by all accounts was doing okay. Daisy hadn't seen him since, firstly because Kim was so angry and then they decided it was best if she didn't see him until he was clean and sober but she did still see his parents. They would meet them for dinner once a week so that the kids could see them and so that they didn't miss out on seeing their granddaughter. Daisy never asked about Steve though. "Do you want him to come?"

"Yes. I miss my Daddy."

"Okay." Adam nodded. "Ah ha." He declared with a flourish when he opened the last draw, the one with all her winter sweaters in it and found her pyjamas shoved in the corner.

"Will Mommy be angry?" As much as Kim had tried to rein herself in as far as Steve was concerned Daisy had obviously picked up on it.

"No, Boo. I think it would be nice for you to see your Daddy again. I am sure he's missed you too." He helped her into her Pj's and kissed her head and nudged her towards the door. "Now, go on. Mommy will be here any minute and I know she is desperate for a hug." Kim had left before the kids had even got up this morning and hadn't seen them much yesterday either. Work had been a little crazy, a few warm days and Chicago seemed to be going crazy.

It hadn't taken them long to find this place, it wasn't perfect but for now it was enough. As soon as Kim's house sold they would look at buying a place but right now the three-bedroom walk up was doing its job. It was allowing them to live as a family although financially it was a strain paying rent and her part of the mortgage on the house.

Over dinner, once everything had settled down after Cyclone Steve abated Kim decided it was time to talk to the kids about what their future held. "On the weekend we thought we would go and look at some houses to live in."

"I want to stay at Adam's, it's fun." Daisy declared and Oliver just dropped his knife and fork on the table and looked like he was about to cry, he wanted to live with his Dad. The past few days had been great for Oliver, having Adam around every morning and night was all he wanted. They would play computer games, cook dinner and just hang out. He loved it.

Kim leant over and squeezed Oliver's hand. "No, all of us. Together. This place is too small for all of us so we are all going to move. Adam as well."

"Dad's going to live with us?" Adam was happy to see how delighted Oliver was with the news. He didn't want to tell Kim how nervous he was about it. It was quick and he didn't know how easy it was going to be to suddenly be living with someone. He'd lived alone for nine years and it wasn't just one person it was two children too. He was willing to try; he had no choice.

"Yes I am."

"Yay." Daisy bounced in her seat as she clapped and Oliver declared that it was _'lit'_. All the worry and concern they had about how the kids were going to cope with their relationship had basically been swept away. All that mattered, at the end of the day was that they felt safe, secure and loved.

Adam could hear Daisy and Kim greeting each other as he grabbed the wet towels from the bathroom and let the water out of the bath. How one girl could make such a mess was beyond him? God help her teenage years. He felt comforted by the fact he could now see that far into their future. The stability that living together had given them had been surprising, not only for him but Oliver as well.

The improvement in his son had been extraordinary. He was less anxious, more outgoing and doing better at school and Kim couldn't be happier. Listening to Oliver's teacher telling them how much better and focussed he was music to Adam's ears. Oliver had decided he wanted to be a Cop, like his Mom and his Dad so Adam had talked to him about what he needed to do to make that happen and doing well in school was top of that list.

For Adam he felt more in control, he had a sense of peace and he could see a future where in the past it was just a foggy mess. He didn't realise how much he craved the stability of having a family around him because for so long he hadn't had the opportunity. Over the years he sometimes regretted that he made the decision to never settle down but now that he was here, settled and with the woman he needed to be with and their son he knew that somehow without even knowing it he had made that decision for a reason.

"Where's Ollie?" Kim looked up at Adam as he came downstairs.

He leant in for a kiss. "Nice to see you too."

"Sorry. Hi Baby." She kissed him again. "Where's Ollie?"

"Just having a shower." He had banged on the door of the master bathroom where Oliver had decided to grab his shower because Daisy was taking too long in his own bathroom and told him to hurry up. Not that he was any quicker, what he did in there Adam was too scared to ask.

It wasn't until that both the kids had gone to bed that Adam and Kim actually got the chance to talk. He was surprised that Daisy hadn't bought up her Dad at some point. Particularly as Kim had put her to bed and read her a book.

'Did Daisy talk to you about her birthday?" He held out his hand and guided Kim into the seat beside him. She threw her legs up onto him and relaxed as he massaged her calves. She had grabbed a quick shower and had been dismayed at the wet floor and bathmat. Oliver really need to start using his own shower, he was worse than Adam for trashing the place.

"No, she was tired. I barely got through one book."

"She wants her Dad to come."

"Oh." Was all that Kim said as she reached for Adam's beer and took a mouthful.

"Do you want my opinion?" He still felt like he had to ask sometimes if he was allowed to say anything. It was a minefield some days trying to navigate her feelings on it, particularly regarding Daisy. He did understand her need to protect her but he also felt he had a little bit of a handle on what being a father meant too. He just had to tread carefully.

"I suppose you are going to give it regardless."

"Okay, so you are not ready to hear it then. I'll keep it to myself." Reaching for the remote he turned on the TV and he figured that she would just think about it for a bit and then be ready to talk.

Adam kept watching her from the corner of his eye and she was definitely stewing on it, he figured he had about half an hour. She jumped up and made herself a cup of tea and when she came back Adam turned off the TV. It was her thing; once she had that cup in her hand she was ready. He liked that he knew that about her. "You think I should invite him?"

"I do."

"Why?" Kim had a fair idea that Adam would push for it; he didn't want Daisy not to have a relationship with her father if that's what she wanted as long as Steve got his shit together. At this stage, by all reports he was doing well and it was unfair to stop Daisy seeing him.

"Because Daisy wants to see him, he is her father and despite the fact he is an complete asshole he loves her." Didn't mean that Adam liked him any more though, he still couldn't stand him and it made his blood boil some days when he thought about what he'd put them all through.

"I guess. I am not sure I am ready to see him though." He was making sense, Kim just wasn't sure she was ready to hear it.

Adam pulled her feet back into his lap. "I get that, but Darlin' its not about you."

Letting her head drop back for a moment she blew out a long slow breath. "I know."

"Hey." He tapped her leg until she lifted her head and looked at him. "And I will be there to hold your hand the entire time. Just because he comes, if he even comes that does not mean you even have to talk to him. No one will let him make a scene. I promise you I won't let him ruin Daisy's day."

Kim leant forward and let Adam kiss her forehead. "Why are you so rational about it?"

"I've always been the rational level headed type of guy." That made her laugh. It may have taken him a while to lose his shit, but when he did rational and level headed were not words she associated with Adam. He chose to ignore her laugh. "Love you too Darlin'."

"Daisy does like talking to you."

"I think she'll be telling me about her first boyfriend before she tells you." Adam wrinkled his nose a little.

"That I'd pay money to see. I can't see you being so rational about that."

"I'll just play the cool Step Dad part."

Suddenly Kim put her cup on the table and kissed him hard. "Whoa, hey. Hi." He stuttered a little stunned by her enthusiasm.

Kim was rarely grateful when he was wearing sweat pants but this was one of those times, there were no belts, buckles or zips to get in the way of what she suddenly wanted; quickly she stood up, pulled her underwear off from under her dress and climbed back into his lap. Adam had no intention of stopping her; he rarely did because they still felt like they had a lot of time to make up. Even despite the fact that Kim was always worried that the kids would spring them at any moment, tonight she didn't seem to care and neither did he. Adam, well he was male and had lost the ability to think of anything but the woman rocking his world on their couch.

"Now, not that I minded that at all." It had been a little wild and primal but very satisfying. "But, wow darlin', tell me what I did to deserve that and I will make sure I do it more often."

"The comment about being Daisy's Step Dad. I really liked that."

"Obviously." Adam dug his fingers into her hips and held her steady in his lap, not ready to lose that precious feeling of being so connected to her. "Well, isn't that what I am? Isn't this part of this family thing we are doing? You know I love her. I want to be in her life and I want her to know that I am."

Kim reached up and ran her hand over his rough cheek; his scruff was about two days old at the moment and was just about perfect. "She's a lucky girl to have a Step Dad like you. I love how much you adore her."

"And you. I adore you too." Sitting up a little he captured her mouth with his. "You've no idea."

Whether it was quick or not didn't matter, it was how he felt. If they were going to live together as a family it couldn't be any other way. They had to do this together to make it work. Steve wasn't going to like it, he had been less than impressed when he found out that Adam was moving in but Adam honestly didn't care. This was where he wanted and needed to be. He never wanted Daisy to feel the uncertainty and anxiousness that Oliver had and he was going to do his best to make sure of that.

 _'Daisy would love to see you at her birthday party.'_ Kim sent Steve a brief message. She had gone back and forward with the message until Adam told her just to send it. "Don't over think it." Kim had wondered whether to change the venue, it was currently at their house but Kim wasn't sure if she wanted Steve there. Adam wasn't so concerned. "He's going to find out where we live anyway so let's just get it over with."

Steve responded almost immediately that he would love to come and that he had missed Daisy. She told him the date and time and that she would send him the address on the day. She was worried that he might turn up at the house if he knew where they were living and she wasn't quite ready for that. There was no more interaction, even when he asked how she was. Kim wasn't stupid, he knew how she was because he knew his parents saw her every week. Kim was nowhere near ready to deal with him.

Daisy was excited and Kim had to admit that it was the best thing for her daughter. Adam had been right it wasn't about how Kim felt; it was about Daisy and her relationship with her father. She had to do some serious talking to Kevin though because he still wanted to beat the shit out of him, he was pretty certain that Adam had not done a good enough job because he was still walking.

It was also the first time Adam had gotten really angry with Oliver. He had complained the moment Daisy had told her brother that her Dad was coming to her party. "Why does he have to come? If he's coming I'm not going." That had upset Daisy and Adam had looked at him sharply. "I'll go to Joey's."

Kim replied firmly. "You won't go to Joey's, you will stay here. It's your sister's birthday and she wants her Dad to come."

"We don't need him, we are happy with out him." He didn't seem to care that Daisy was sitting at the table and how upset he was making her. "He'll ruin everything and I hate him."

"No, Ollie, that's my Daddy." She cried, distraught tears falling down her little cheeks. It broke Kim's heart and made Adam even angrier.

"Oliver, enough." Adam put his foot down. "You are better than this. You were raised better than this."

"Yes by Mom, not you though. You weren't here." Oliver started to get up from the table and leave.

Adam felt like he'd just been stabbed in the heart. "You don't have permission to leave the table." He whispered quietly but coldly.

"Oliver, you can apologise to your Dad."

"Sorry." He spat out although no one in that room was under any illusion that he had said it with any sincerity.

"I want my Daddy to come." Daisy sobbed.

"If your Daddy wants to come he will come. Oliver wants you to be happy." Kim reassured her. She looked at Adam and he was somewhere between angry and devastated. It was the first time that Oliver had challenged him about not being around for most of his life. He understood why Adam had been absent and knew that it wasn't by choice so his ill-timed words spoken out of anger and fear had been a bitter blow.

"You know what Oliver?" Adam started, finally feeling calm enough to speak. "For once this isn't about you." Kim held up her hand to stop him but he shoved back his chair suddenly, the scrape of wood on wood sending a shiver up her spine. "You are not the only person in this house who does things tough. You think this is easy on any of us? You think this is easy for your mother, or for Daisy? You think this is easy for me?" He stormed from the room.

Kim was left with two crying children. Oliver's lip quivered as he started to cry and Kim jumped when she heard the door slam and minutes later she heard the roar of his bike as Adam had taken off. "Where's Dad going?" Oliver asked her and Kim could see he was starting to panic.

"I don't know Oliver." She grabbed the plates off the table and held it together until she was safely in the kitchen. Oliver's words had been a kick in the guts and one that Adam didn't need. While she was thankful that he hadn't yelled at Oliver she knew by the look on his face that Adam was devastated. She wished that he had stayed around so that she could help him and she hated that he was still doing this. Taking off when things got hard.

"I didn't mean to hurt Dad." Oliver was miserable. "Is he coming back?"

"Yes, he is coming back." Oliver had curled up on the couch next to his Mom once Daisy had gone to bed. Adam had been gone a couple of hours and Oliver had tried to call him but as soon as the call connected they could hear his phone ringing from the side table where he had dumped it when he got home from work and that really upset him. "Oliver you really hurt him. I understand that you are scared and worried about Daisy but that was unfair of you to say that to your Dad."

"I know, I'm sorry." Kim kissed the top of his head. Kim explained to him why they had invited Daisy's father to her party, that it was all about Daisy. They were safe here with Adam and nothing was going to change that. He didn't have to talk to Steve if he didn't want too but he had to be nice to his sister and let her enjoy her birthday. "If Daisy ever starts to feel unsafe around her Dad we will stop it okay? We are not going to let Daisy get hurt. He loves Daisy, like Adam loves you and you wouldn't like it if I told you that you couldn't see him would you?"

"But Dad doesn't hurt you."

"No he doesn't. We are not asking you to see Steve but we are asking you to let Daisy see her Dad."

"Okay." He nodded.

"And you need to apologise to your Dad and mean it this time." He wanted to stay up until Adam got home but Kim knew it could still be hours before he did.

Kim was sitting on the couch when he finally came home, having sat with Oliver until he went to sleep. As he came in she turned off the TV and waited for him. "Are you okay?"

"Yes."

She stood up and pushed past him. "Would have been nice to know that hours ago."

"I forgot my phone."

"No shit. Probably because you had a hissy fit and stormed out of here. Oliver was worried about you." Kim paused with her bottom foot on the step. "You know you can't keep doing this shit Adam. It's not fair to Oliver, you know how anxious he gets."

"Would you rather I stayed and lost it at him?" He waved his hands around angrily.

"I would rather you stay and talk to Oliver about how that made you feel."

"You wanna know how that made me feel? I'll tell you. I felt like a failure, I felt like shit. It made me feel like I am just kidding myself thinking I can do this."

"Do what?"

"Be a family, be a father."

"For god's sake Adam, you are a father. That's your son." She pointed upstairs angrily. "Man up and suck it up, it's not always fun, they say shit that hurts some days but he loves you. This is your family, here in this house."

"I just hate that I wasn't around."

"So do I, so does Oliver. I hate that you missed out but there is nothing we can do about it. It happened, shit happened. You are here now, bloody well be here."

He stopped by Oliver's room and sat on the floor next to his bed for a few minutes before he jumped in the shower, washing away the last few hours and then crawling into Kim's waiting arms. She'd said her piece and now it was time to be there for him. "He didn't mean it. He's worried that he hurt you."

"He did. I shouldn't let it get to me. I know he didn't mean it but that was like being kicked in the balls."

"I know Baby. He loves you so much; he was scared. He's scared for Daisy and he doesn't want us to get hurt." Kim could feel the tension in him and it was awful. Something would remind him of his past and he struggled not to let him bring him crashing down. It was usually his own doing but tonight Oliver had opened that wound.

"Neither do I."

"I hate that you left like that but I understand why." Now that her anger had dissipated she could be a little more rational. She did understand why he would jump on his bike and disappear but it just scared her. The first few times he did it she freaked out, not knowing if he was going to come back and that didn't help the situation. When he got back and Kim had a go at him for running away from his problems Adam didn't appreciate it. Eventually she could see it for what it was, she still hated it and worried the entire time he was gone but if this was going to work she had to let him deal with his issues the best way he knew how. Now that they were together the fact that he would crawl back to her and seek comfort from her made it easier and they were trying to ride it out.

He'd been alone for nine years and suddenly he was transplanted back into his old life and had a son. Now he had a family and it was hard to wrap his head around some days. He was trying so hard and he didn't always get it right.

Tonight though it had involved Oliver and that was the first time he'd done that and seeing Oliver so upset and anxious had made Kim angry. Not taking his phone either hadn't helped. She had no way of contacting him and knowing that he was okay. Often he would send her a message just to say he was fine and would be home soon, tonight she got nothing and that was worrying. Kim didn't want to think of Adam doing something stupid and she never thought he even had those thoughts, thoughts of hurting himself but it still nagged at her all night.

"I didn't want to yell, I felt like I was going to lose my shit at him and I couldn't do it. I don't want to ever scare him like that or Daisy. They've had enough of that to last a lifetime."

"I love you so much Adam. I'm proud of you." She held on a little tighter. "I'm proud of how hard you are fighting."

"Can we not talk right now?"

"Okay, but can I just ask you one question?" Kim swallowed hard when he nodded. "Adam, do you ever think about not coming back? Do you ever think about hurting yourself?"

"Never." Pulling her into his arms he tucked her head under his chin and kissed her head. "I'm never leaving you, I'm never leaving Oliver. Please don't think that, please." He was begging her.

"Okay, Baby. It's okay."

He slept a little restlessly and Kim felt terrible that her son had hurt him, she didn't blame Oliver he was just a confused boy who was worried about her and his sister getting hurt but the effect that it had on Adam had been stunning.

"Dad." Oliver approached him tentatively the next morning as he was getting breakfast.

"Yeah." He turned to face his son and after a brief moment, when he saw how upset he looked he opened his arms and Oliver bolted into them.

"I'm sorry Dad. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it."

"I know this sucks Ollie, as much as I want to tell you that you don't have to see him again. We do, for Daisy."

"I know." Adam had to dip his head quite low to kiss his son's head. "I'm really sorry for what I said."

Adam knew he had to tell Oliver that it was okay, no matter how much it still hurt him. He hadn't quite shaken it off although he was desperately trying too. He had woken early and Kim found him standing at their bedroom window looking out into the dark backyard. She slipped her arms around his waist and buried her head into his back. "Baby, you okay?"

"I don't think so. I still feel a little shaky." He held onto her hands. Now at least he felt confident enough to talk to Kim when he was anxious, initially he found it hard and she would try and push him to open up. They had struck a good balance, she would let him go out and when he came back she would listen to him, reassure him and comfort him and eventually he would spill his heart out and they moved on. It was painful at times and incredibly raw but it also bought them closer together, closer than they ever thought possible. "I didn't sleep well."

"I know." Adam tugged on her hands and pulled her around so that she was facing him. Kim would do anything to help him.

"I don't blame Oliver."

"He didn't mean it." Kim reassured him again. "He is devastated that he hurt you."

"You know, through all this I learnt something. They only people who can really hurt you are those that you love the most. It hurts because I do love him so much and because of that I also know it'll be okay."

"You are a precious man." Standing on her tiptoes she kissed him softly. "My precious man."

Kim wasn't surprised to see them hugging in the kitchen. Adam had his head bowed down resting on Oliver's head. He was whispering something that she couldn't make out but Oliver started nodding. Adam had told him that he loved him and that he hated that he wasn't around and he would have done anything to change it but he couldn't so Oliver needed to forgive him.

It took a day or two to get back to normal but they got there, all of them together. Adam and Oliver spent Saturday at a batting cage testing out his new bat and by the time they got home they seemed to have struck a good balance again.

Steve was never going to stay long because it was the most awkward thing he had done. Daisy was showing Adam her latest gift when he arrived and he swallowed the knot of jealousy he felt bubble up within him. Once Adam spotted him though he instantly pointed him out to Daisy and she bolted towards him and flung herself into his arms. This was the reason he had finally realised he had to pull his head in, she was all he had left and he'd almost lost her. Now he had to work his ass off to prove to Kim that he could be the father Daisy deserved.

"Adam, Adam my Daddy's here." She squealed as she ran back to Adam.

"I can see that." He nodded at Steve who had followed Daisy back towards him. "You're a lucky girl. I hope you thanked him for coming."

"He bought me a present." She held it up excitedly and Adam encouraged her to go open it with her Dad.

At least the guy looked uncomfortable as he approached Adam, which bought him some satisfaction. "Daisy's happy to see you." Adam forced himself to be polite.

"She looks like she's enjoying herself?"

"You know Daisy, always the life of the party." Thankfully Steve's parents arrived and Adam didn't have to try and make small talk with him. The longer it went on the more likely Adam was to say something he regretted. At least he didn't make an issue out of the beating Adam had given him the last time they crossed paths.

"Hi Kim." Steve made his way into the house once Daisy had flitted off. She was in the kitchen talking to Joelle, who was weeks away from giving birth and Erin.

"Hi." She took a little step back when he looked like he was about to give her a kiss. Erin narrowed her eyes and watched him carefully, she knew how worried Adam was about Kim and having to see him again. Everyone had been shocked to find out about the cheating revelation but it was the news that Steve had abused Oliver that floored them all. "Have you seen Daisy?"

"I have, she's grown so much and looks so happy."

"She is." Kim turned back to finish decorating the birthday cake. "We'll do her cake soon. Will you still be here?"

"I'd like to be."

"Daisy would love you to stay. She really wanted you to come today so I am glad you are here for her." The excitement of Daisy when she woke up this morning was infectious and she had asked Kim several times what time her Daddy was coming. She had hoped like hell that he wasn't going to bail on her like he had done time and again for Oliver. She couldn't go through that again and he had one chance. Kim would have been surprised if he had broken his daughter's heart like that, Daisy was never the issue. It was his treatment of Oliver that created the problems; he had never let Daisy down at least until that day he left her in the bar.

Adam knew how worried Kim was and had tried to reassure her that they needed to let it play out. "It's so easy for you isn't it?" She had snapped at him earlier. It may have been the best thing for Daisy but it didn't make things easy for them at home. Oliver was anxious about it, Kim was stressing out and Adam copped it from both sides.

"No, not really."

"I'm going to have to pick up the pieces if he doesn't come."

"No, we'll pick up the pieces together." Adam grabbed the plate of burgers that Kim had asked him to cook. "You keep forgetting that." And Kim felt terrible when he kissed her forehead and left without a word. It wasn't Adam's fault and he was trying.

Steve was surprised when Adam told him to step up when they bought out Daisy's cake. Adam still stood behind Kim and Oliver was beside him but he made sure that Steve stood beside Daisy and he smiled when Daisy grabbed hold of his hand as she leant forward to blow out her candles.

He didn't stay long after that. He had tried to talk to Kim again but she was pretty closed off. She thanked him for coming and agreed to organise for Daisy to spend a few hours with him next weekend. They were still a long way from good and if a few hours was all he was going to get he had to take it.

He didn't have a lot anymore but he had a daughter and he was going to make sure he was the father she deserved. It wasn't easy and Kim didn't make it a walk in the park but eventually he got his relationship with his daughter back on track.

They certainly didn't do family functions together. Adam barely spoke to him although he did know that it was Adam who pushed for Daisy to see him and Oliver was a lost cause and he had no-one to blame but himself. At least his parents still saw him. Kim was happy now, she was happy with Adam and he had to let it go. As much as he wanted to blame Adam for ruining his marriage it wasn't his fault, he'd ruined it well before Adam came back. It wasn't Adam's fault that his wife had never stopped loving his ghost.

So they all just got on with life. Adam graduated from the CFD Academy with Kim, Oliver and Daisy looking on. They were so proud of him and they settled into it. They still had their ups and downs and to say it was easy would have been a lie but they weren't about to give up and the good times far outweighed the bad.

Right now Adam felt his heart almost beating out of his chest, he lay his hand on it as if he was trying to keep it in his body. Kim looked pissed with him and he wasn't quite sure why.

"Are you going to say something or just sit there with your mouth open like you are some non functioning mouth breather?" She almost hissed at him.


	37. Chapter 37 - Like Thirty?

This was not the response she was expecting, actually she was expecting **_a_** response of some sort but he was just sitting on the edge of their bed staring at her mouth agape.

"Huh." He slammed his mouth shut.

Kim held her arms out wide a little frustrated by his lack of reaction. "You said you would've loved to have seen me pregnant. Adam.." she waved her hands up and down her body. "..this is me 6 weeks pregnant."

Slowly he reached out and pulled her closer and buried his head into her stomach, kissing it lightly. "My baby's in here?"

"Yes."

"Oh my God Kim." When he finally looked up at her she could see the line of tears bubbling along his lower eyelashes. She rested her hands on his shoulders as he lowered his forehead back on her stomach. "I…" he stuttered. "..How?"

"How? Really Adam? You know you were there, you've been 'working' on this for…" Adam stood up quickly and crushed his mouth against hers swallowing the rest of her sentence.

"I love you. So much. I can't believe this." He stopped kissing her only long enough to get those few words out.

"So I guess this means you are happy?"

"The last two years of my life have been perfect. You are perfect and I love you. I love Oliver and Daisy." He placed a hand gently on her still very flat stomach. "I love this baby. Isn't that amazing? What I've known for all of five minutes? Is that insane? With Ollie, was it like this, like did you know you loved him the minute you knew he was there? What about Daisy?" he rambled. "Oh God, I love you so much."

Kim couldn't stop laughing. "Adam, Sweetheart take a breath."

"You, are you okay?" He leant back and looked her over. "Can I do anything? Here sit down." He spun her around and sat her down on the edge of the bed. Kim just let him go, it was cute how freaked out he was. "What do we do now? Do you have an appointment or something?"

"Adam, are you going to let me talk?"

"Sorry."

Kim tugged on his hand and made him sit down beside her. "It's cute."

"I haven't done this before."

"I know. First things first, I actually feel like shit."

"Really." He jumped up. "What do you need?"

"I need you to sit down. Adam, what I need right now is a kiss from you." He acquiesced on both counts.

"We have an appointment in three weeks time for a dating scan. I checked your roster and its all good. I feel shitty; I'm tired but nothing unusual. I just need you and some sleep right now."

"Right. Right." He looked around the room for her pyjamas, jumping up to find them. "Let's go to bed."

"You know I love you Adam but seriously if you are going to be like this for the next 7 months I might just throttle you."

"Sorry."

"Baby, it's okay. I really like how excited you are. I am excited too."

"Yeah?"

"Oh God yes. Why wouldn't I be?" she grabbed his hand and laid it back over her stomach and covered it with her own. "I have another piece of you growing in here and this time I get to see you be part of it, and yes I did love both of them from the moment I knew they were there. I am so happy."

"I think it's amazing. I want to see it now."

"Well it's the size of a lentil right now, and wreaking all sorts of havoc on me."

"This scan will we know if it's a boy or a girl?"

"No, too soon." Kim pulled back to covers and slid into bed. It was relief to be lying down finally. Fatigue was kicking her ass the past week. Adam had been working, the kids had been here there and everywhere and Intelligence had been on one case all week. "Do you want to find out?"

Adam climbed in beside her, propped himself up on one elbow and still had one hand caressing her stomach. "Yes." He knew that she did not find out with Oliver or Daisy. Oliver she chose not to so she would have something to look forward to on the day and with Daisy she convinced Steve that the surprise when they are born was worth the wait. "What if…."

Kim put her hand over his mouth to stop him. "No Adam, you are going to be here with me."

"Can we?"

"We can, if you really want to know we can on one condition?"

"You can only tell one person. I don't want everyone to know."

"I will do my best."

"Hmmm, that's what worries me. Also while we are at it, you can't tell anyone until we hit 12 weeks. So you have 6 weeks to sit on this." She did think about not telling him just yet but that wasn't fair and she also really couldn't wait to see the look on his face and see his reaction and it was perfect. He rolled onto his back and groaned. "Let me take your mind off it for a bit." Kim rolled on top of him.

"Are you sure? This is okay? I'm not going to hurt it?"

"Adam, we are not avoiding sex for the next seven months." She sucked on his bottom lip lightly knowing it was one way to get him moving.

Kim loved how gentle he was. He was in for a rude shock when he discovered how horny pregnancy made her and she hoped to god he got over this irrational fear he had about hurting their baby.

Three weeks later they sat in the Doctor's office and Adam could barely sit still. He was a bundle of nervous energy and keeping him quiet for the past few weeks was nigh on impossible. The kids even asked if Adam was okay because he was acting weird around Kim and made them do twice as many chores as usual.

He had already walked around the waiting room twice, stopping to look at the photo's hanging from the walls. This was all a little surreal to be honest. He stopped and looked at the pin board, which was covered with thank you cards. Some on the names people called their kids made him shake his head. 'Phelony' really someone called their baby that?

"For Fuck's sake Adam, stop it." Kim gritted her teeth and hissed as he sat down and grabbed another magazine, flicking through the pages roughly.

"What?"

"You are seriously giving me the shits, how many magazines have you read?" Kim's morning sickness was currently running at pretty much the entire day and the only relief she got was when she was asleep. Erin had figured it out, probably on the third day when Kim could no longer fob it off as a stomach bug but she had run interference for her.

He threw the magazine back on the table and pulled his phone from his pocket. "How long does this last?"

"How should I know?"

"Well you've been here twice before. I haven't." Adam snapped. "And I am not talking about the morning sickness, I am talking about your bad mood."

"Very fucking funny." This was no joke, the morning sickness was making her miserable and when she threw up in the kitchen sink after dinner last night Adam found her sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing her heart out. He was doing his best, sometimes he wondered if it was enough but in her moments of normalcy she did tell him how much she loved him and that she appreciated all his effort.

Adam swallowed his snarky reply as their name was called. Suddenly Kim had rediscovered her love for him as she grabbed his hand.

The look on his face was priceless as they saw their baby for the first time. Kim glanced at him quickly when the Midwife pointed out the baby and they listened to its heart beating. "I think it's beating as fast as mine right now." Adam whispered and Kim squeezed his hand and saw the glistening tears in his eyes. This was all worth it for the look of pure love and delight on Adam's face.

"Third Baby right? It's still amazing each and every time though." The midwife commented. Adam bowed his head slightly. It didn't happen often anymore but Adam still felt it, the pain of those years he had lost.

"It is." Kim answered. "There is only one right?" probably due to the raging sickness, which had never been this bad Kim was terrified that she was carrying more than one baby. She was not sure she would be able to cope with that, although Adam had jokingly told her _'the more the merrier.'_ which went down like a lead balloon. She was relieved when they confirmed there was only one.

Kim was happy with her two children and never expected to have another one. She had told Steve that they were only having one and then she was done. While she enjoyed being pregnant for the most part and adored her babies it was hard work and that was six years ago. They weren't getting any younger. It also meant time off work and the financial burden was definitely a contributing factor.

Adam never asked about having a baby but she knew that he wouldn't say no if she wanted too. They had talked about it a long time ago just after they got back together and it was to early to contemplate anything that major and since then it just never came up. When she watched him with Atwater's baby girl, Ruby and then when Jonas's wife had their second child she could see the longing on his face. He would talk to them about holding their babies for the first time and would make a beeline for them as soon as he saw them.

That's why she did what she did and now they were watching their tiny baby on the screen for the first time and Adam looked blissfully happy. If the midwife told him there were eight in there he wouldn't care.

One night they had been cuddled up on the couch watching a movie and Kim had thrown it out there. It was a rare night at home when the kids were both asleep, neither of them was working and they were awake long enough to have a conversation. It was out of the blue and it shocked both of them, it was not like Kim had even been thinking about it. "What would you think if I had my implant removed?"

"Why?"

"Well, why do you think?"

"You want to have another baby? I thought you didn't want any more?"

"Maybe." She sat up and faced him. "We are not getting any younger and I don't even know if I can get pregnant again. The chances diminish with age but maybe we just see what happens."

"Are you sure?"

"Adam, I hate that you've never had that moment with Oliver. I want to see you hold your own baby."

He couldn't believe what she was offering to do. "You would do this for just for me?"

"I would do anything for you."

So either Kim was super fertile or Adam's swimmers were of Olympic standard because it took less than two months. Even when she had the implant removed the Doctor reminded them that the chances of getting pregnant were not as good as they once were and it may take a while for her body to adjust after having the implant for six years. It may even take a while to get her period again. A few days after the implant was removed she had a period, which Adam moaned about. Having the implant had stopped all that so he didn't have to 'tie a knot in it' every month. It was the only period she had.

It was amusing to see how his declaration of his _'Super sperm'_ , as Adam called it made him walk around with his chest puffed out until Kim burst his balloon one night as she hugged the toilet bowl. "If your sperm is so bloody good why are there not more little Ruzek's in the world?"

"I kept it wrapped, this is a special gift just for you." She groaned when she looked at the smirk on his face and she was so close to wiping it off with the back of her hand. This all day sickness had obliterated her sense of humour. "And way to make me feel good about myself Babe." Adam crouched down and handed her a damp washcloth for her face.

"Why should you feel good about yourself when I feel like crap?"

"Because you love me?"

Surprisingly he managed to keep it a secret until they passed three months. Of course Erin and Jay knew, but they tended to know everything about them anyway. As soon as Kim gave him the green light, he exploded over everyone. It burst out of him like a volcano. Oliver didn't seem as excited as he hoped, but Daisy was bouncing with happiness, as long as it was a sister.

"What's up Ollie?" Adam found him sitting on the back deck. He pulled up a chair and relaxed into it.

"Is Mom really having another baby?"

Adam wanted this to be a happy occasion for all of them and he also wanted to make a big deal of it, because it was a big deal for him. Oliver needed to know that it was okay to talk to him about it. "She is?"

"Are you happy?"

"Yes I am, just as happy as I was when I found out about you." It had taken a while but slowly Oliver had learnt that he could talk to his Dad about anything. Adam liked to talk a lot about what he was feeling and experiencing as they developed their relationship, having missed so much he felt he needed to tell Oliver rather than hope that he just knew how he felt. It had eventually rubbed off on Oliver.

"Really? Are you going to love this baby more than me?"

"No." Adam's answer was instantaneous.

"That's what Steve said."

"I'm not Steve." He leant forward in his seat. "I am your Dad, I love you Ollie with all my heart."

"Can we still go fishing?"

"Absolutely."

"Will you still come to my games?"

"Every week, when I am not working. Like now, that's not changing." Adam pulled Ollie's chair around so that he was facing his son. "I love you Ollie, so much. Having you in my life has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I love your Mom and Daisy too. I am excited about this baby because I missed out on all that with you and I am happy. I want you to be happy too. This is good for us."

"You will still love me?"

"Every single day Buddy." Fuck he hated Steve with a passion for all the pain and insecurity he had foisted on his son. He gritted his teeth and tolerated him for Daisy's sake but he had so little time for the guy it wasn't funny.

It had taken Kim awhile to even be halfway civil to him and it had been a rocky road but when she realised how much it was affecting Daisy she sucked it up and did her best. Steve had done Rehab after the bar incident and once the initial sting came out of the cheating revelation it had been smooth sailing. He had now even started a new relationship and Beth, his new partner was lovely and Daisy really liked her. Oliver was civil if he needed to be and together with Adam they avoided him as much as possible.

"Can I tell you something?" Ollie nodded, he was still looking concerned and Adam was desperate to change that. He didn't want to temper his excitement about this baby because of Ollie. "You know how special you are?"

He looked at his father and shook his head. "You know the reason I am here is you. You made it possible for your mother and I to come back together, you did that, and you kept that link between us all those years I wasn't here. We wouldn't be here, excited about this new baby without you. You saved your Mom when she thought I had gone and you saved me. I thought I would have to come back and apologise to your Mom and then leave. I couldn't leave because of you. You Ollie. I love you so much, I owe you so much. You gave me back my life, you and your Mom."

"I love you Dad."

He rested his hands on Ollie's knees. "Ollie, I am excited about this baby and I want you to be excited too but it's not going to change my feelings for you. Perhaps I may even love you more when I see what a good big brother you'll be."

"What about Daisy?"

"I love Daisy. She's my girl. I can't help myself; I promise you that I will always love Daisy. She's your sister; she's part of your Mom. I can't love your mother and not love Daisy. It's impossible."

"When Daisy was born, Steve stopped loving me."

"I'm not Steve." He grabbed Ollie's hands. "This is our family and it's getting a little bigger but we all have enough love for this baby, I know we do. This works because it's all of us, together."

Kim was watching them from the kitchen window. She had no idea what they were talking about but she had a fair idea that Adam was trying to convince Oliver that this baby wasn't going to change how he felt about him. That was Kim's biggest concern that Oliver wouldn't be excited because he was worried about what might happen. They had talked about it often and Adam reassured her that he would make sure Ollie knew how much he loved him.

There were still times that Ollie worried that Adam was going to leave and Kim hated that. She never quite let go of the guilt she felt for the rough few years that Oliver had to endure when he felt that no one wanted to be his Dad. For a little over two years now she had watched him blossom under Adam's wing, she'd watched them both grow and Adam was the father she always dreamt he'd be. It wasn't always easy but they were in it together.

Daisy didn't have the same concerns. She was excited although she did have some questions. Kneeling up at the table while Kim was getting dinner ready she furrowed her brow before asking. "Where is the baby now?"

"In my womb, it's a special place that only girl's have where a baby can grow. That's where Oliver grew and you did too." Kim placed Daisy's hand on her slightly rounded stomach, it was just starting to stick out a little particularly at the end of the day, although she had been able to still conceal it at work. "It's very tiny still."

"And it's going to grow big?"

"Yes." Kim showed her with her hands about how big her stomach was going to get. "Remember we looked at those photos of me when I was pregnant with Oliver and you?"

"I don't want to wait."

"I know, but it has to grow big and strong first."

"How did it get in there?"

"Well, Mommy has a special egg in here." She patted her stomach. "And Adam has a special seed, called sperm and when they come together a baby starts to grow."

Daisy's eyes were a little wide with wonder. "How does Adam get it in there?"

Adam had just stepped into the kitchen and when he heard Daisy's question he turned and walked straight back out. He wouldn't have been able to stop himself laughing particularly when he heard Kim's stuttering response. "Um, with his penis sweetheart." No way was he getting involved in that.

"Oh." While she didn't really understand that seemed to satisfy her for now and Kim breathed a sigh of relief. Adam freaked out whenever they talked about telling the kids about sex and the baby. Oliver got it, he'd probably heard most of it at school and he didn't want to know about it because it sounded disgusting. Daisy was pure innocence but Kim wasn't about to fill her head with nonsense.

Unfortunately over dinner she had one more question. "Did you have to eat the sperm?"

Adam actually spat his food out as he laughed, Oliver turned beet red and Kim glared at Adam hoping for some help but he was doing his best to avoid her desperate look.

"No Sweetheart." Kim was trying to stifle a laugh. Adam looked mortified and Oliver looked embarrassed. "Adam and I love each other very much and when you are grown up you spend some special time together. There is lots of love between Adam and Mommy so we decided to join up and make another baby."

She contemplated that for just a moment, the look of concentration on her face was priceless as they both held their breath waiting for whatever might come next. "Okay. So you have to be a grown up?"

"Yes." Adam suddenly found his voice. "Like thirty."

"That's old." She screwed up her nose.

"Yes Daisy." He nodded. "You need to wait until you are old."

Adam didn't get off scott free. When he went in to say goodnight to Oliver he was completely blindsided by him. "Dad, I know how you make a baby."

"Okay." He stuttered and quickly glanced at the door wondering if he should make a run for it. "And?"

"It sounds a bit disgusting."

Adam sat on the edge of the bed. He so did not want to be having this conversation. "I used to think so too, trust me. When you get older it doesn't seem quite so terrible. In fact it's an incredible feeling when you are with someone you love as much as I love your Mom."

"So do you only do that when you want a baby?"

Okay, Adam was willing himself not to sound like a complete hysterical idiot. "No Ollie, most of the time we do it because we love being that close to each other but remember every time it happens you have the potential to get a girl pregnant but there are ways to make sure that doesn't happen."

"Condoms right?" Adam did take comfort in the fact that Oliver looked just as embarrassed as he felt.

"Yes. Every single time."

"So you and Mom use condoms?"

"Not anymore. When we first got together we did, all the time but now we don't need to. Your Mom is the only person I have sex with so we don't need them anymore. It's not just about preventing pregnancy and I am sure they have told you that at school, right?" He saw the blush creep up Oliver's face with the mention of the word sex but he did nod. Adam did remember spending a lot of time giggling with his mates about that word when he was Oliver's age. "Your Mom also had a thing in her arm." He showed Oliver where it was. "And that stopped her being able to get pregnant. We had that taken out a few months ago because we wanted to try and have a baby."

"Does it hurt the baby?" He couldn't look at his Dad. "You know, when you do that?"

"No, it doesn't. The baby is safe." Adam smiled a little because he remembered having that same reaction when Kim first told him she was pregnant. Luckily that wasn't the case otherwise that poor baby was having a torrid time lately.

"What if it makes another baby?"

"That's not how it works. Now that Mom is pregnant her body doesn't let her release any more eggs. We can't make another baby now." Oliver nodded. Adam did like that he seemed concerned about the baby. That surely had to be a good sign?

"Thanks Dad." Adam was relieved that it was over and bent down and kissed his son's head.

"Anytime Bud, anytime you have a question you can talk to me okay? Remember I was right where you are now once."

Kim had already gone to bed when Adam came in; she crashed pretty early these days. "Well that was a fun evening." Kim stirred when he stripped off and climbed into bed.

"You didn't say anything."

"I just talked to Oliver, which by the way just got way more intense than I imagined."

"What happened?"

"Oliver wanted to know about sex, because it sounds disgusting. He wanted to know if we only do it when we want a baby? He asked about condoms, if we use them and if we do it will it hurt the baby?"

"Oh." She laughed and Adam couldn't help but laugh with her. When they decided to have a baby this did not even enter their heads. "At least that was easier to deal with than Daisy. Oliver at least understands some things. Daisy just thinks penises are to help boys pee."

"God help us if she ever wants to know how the whole process actually works. I am so leaving that to you. I mean we spend so much time telling her that people are not allowed to touch her there and suddenly you need to tell her it's okay that I stuck my dick up you." Kim frowned at him. She really hoped he didn't use that language with Oliver. "Anyway Daisy is your department. I'll deal with the boy things and you can deal with the girl things."

"What are you going to do if she gets her period and I'm not home?"

"She's six." He almost screeched at her. Why was she doing this to him? This wasn't even mildly amusing anymore. "Can we not talk about that, please?"

Kim rolled over and snuggled into Adam's arms. "Honey?" she cooed sweetly.

"Hmmm." He mumbled.

Kim nibbled his ear, much to Adam's delight. The past week had got extremely good for him and he was certainly making the most of it. "Got anymore sperm you want to get rid of."

"Do you want to eat it?"

Kim slapped his bare chest. "Don't be disgusting."

Adam laughed as he rolled over and slipped one hand under her tank top. "Sorry baby, but that was funny."

"Can't wait until we have to tell them how the baby comes out." Adam started kissing her neck. "Maybe you can do that?"

She moved her head to give him better access. "Nope, I've done my job. I put it in there."

Kim moaned as he found that sweet spot just below her ear. "Adam, Baby. Less talking, more doing."

 _ **A/N: Are you happy?**_


	38. Chapter 38 - It's like Magic

Adam was lying on the bed on his stomach and folded both arms under his chin. He was deep in thought while he waited for Kim to come in. Something had been churning through his mind all day and he wanted to get it out. She was cleaning her teeth having just got home from work and he wished she would hurry up.

Peeling off her shirt as she came back into their bedroom Adam watched her. Her baby bump was well and truly on show and he loved it. She would lie down on the bed and listen as he talked to his baby and it was the sweetest thing. At every opportunity he would talk to her belly and kiss the growing bump. He still couldn't believe that his baby was in here even though he had seen it and in the last few days felt it kicking her gently. He was surprised at how that had made him feel.

Kim had just crawled into bed after a long day at work. While she was basically on desk duty now, she still was in the Bullpen if everyone else was still there working a case and that meant some late nights. She had jumped in the shower quickly and as soon as she had lay down the baby started moving. Adam was half asleep but she nudged him and grabbed his hand. They waited quietly, the past few times as soon as Adam put his hand on her belly it stopped and Adam was starting to get a little impatient.

Suddenly he felt it, three soft little kicks against his hand. "Oh God. Was that it?" He propped himself up on one elbow.

"Yes it was."

"Wow." He could have stayed there all night waiting to feel it again. Dipping down he kissed her stomach and talked to his baby. "I just felt you. You seem so real now."

Still propped up on one elbow he brushed the hair back from Kim's forehead and kissed her softly. "Can I ask?"

She knew this was going to be about her pregnancy with Oliver, he had asked so many questions. Every time they reached a milestone or something happened he wanted to know if she felt this way with Oliver. "Apart from you, obviously. Who felt him move first?"

"Trudy."

"Really?" That didn't surprise him. As time went on he came to understand how involved Trudy was in her pregnancy from that very first moment. Al had been there, but Trudy was her rock especially early on before everyone knew. She was the one that was there that day and held her as she cried for everything she'd lost and the new life living inside her.

"Yep. She never forgot it. I have never seen her smile quite that much." Kim pulled him down to her level. "For some reason he seemed to know when it was Trudy and would always kick for her."

"He was probably too scared not too."

Everyday for the past week he had be able to feel his baby kick and he loved it. He constantly had his hands on her stomach, as soon as she got home from work, in the kitchen or sitting down after dinner and the moment they were both in bed together.

"I've been thinking about something." Adam's hands were again stroking her, running circles around her belly button.

"Hmmm.." she was tired. Kim was desperately waiting for that moment when she wasn't so tired. With each of her previous pregnancies there was always a period of weeks in the middle where she didn't feel quite so exhausted and it couldn't come quick enough. Adam noticed it and it worried him, but then again he worried about everything. How much she was eating or drinking, what she was eating, how much weight she put on and he was constantly at her and Kim did her best to grin and bear it. It was the only thing that was keeping his anxiety under control.

Living with someone who suffered from bouts of anxiety wasn't easy but they managed it as best they could and Kim could tell what set him off and did her best to avoid those situations but it wasn't always possible. The strategies they developed to help him deal with it worked and for the most part he was good. This pregnancy had been a little rough though, he felt like there was little he could control with what was going on with the baby so he foisted all that onto Kim with his fussing. Some thought that he was a little over the top but Kim accepted it for what it was, Adam's way of coping and having him beside her was worth every minute of frustration.

"This scan tomorrow?" Kim was straddling him on the bed and he had both hands on her stomach; they just about covered her whole of the bump when he spread his fingers out. It was their 20-week scan and he was nervous knowing that they would be checking for any problems. Kim seemed calm about it and kept telling him that she had a gut feeling that everything was fine. _'Call it a mother's instinct.'_

"What? I know you are freaking out, but it's going to be okay."

"No, it's not that. I don't think I want to find out what is in here." He lifted his head and kissed her belly button.

It was the last thing Kim expected him to say; even yesterday he was talking about finding out and how much he was looking forward to it. "What? Why?"

"I think I like this, the not knowing. Talking to my lentil every day and trying to figure it out." Ever since Kim told him she was pregnant and said that it was the size of a lentil that's what he called it. "Some days I think it's a boy and then other days I decide it's a girl. I really like that."

"Are you sure?" Kim was surprised but also a little emotional. She took it as a sign that he was feeling more settled. Initially he wanted to find out in case he wasn't around, he was scared of missing out again but they had worked through that, a little painfully at times. Sometimes his insecurity just manifested out of nowhere and it often blindsided both of them.

"Yes."

"We could ask them to write it down in an envelope and give it to Erin to hang onto in case you change your mind."

"God no, I don't want that pressure. Knowing that it was written down would drive me insane and you know that would completely send Erin over the edge, she would completely flip out knowing that she had that envelope and wasn't allowed to open it. Do you want to find out?"

"No, I mean if you did I was okay with that but I would rather wait. I like the wondering as well." Kim climbed off and stretched out on the bed beside him. "What are you thinking today?"

"Girl." He kissed her warm skin. "Today, it's a girl."

"And what would you call this little lentil if it was a girl?"

"I haven't thought about it."

"I have. If this is a girl." Kim played with his hair while he rested his cheek on her belly. "Can we call her Charlotte?" Adam's head snapped up.

"Yes." He was a little stunned that she actually remembered that conversation. They had never talked about it after that night that he freaked them out but Kim knew that 'Lola' had a special place in Adam's heart; she was the one thing he never let go. Very rarely did they talk about anything that went on while he was away. Like Adam had to bury his old self when he went into witness protection he wanted to bury Paul Benson. The difference was Paul wasn't a real person so he was easier to forget. He was never as emotionally invested in Paul's life. He never liked him. "Little Lola Burgess Ruzek."

"And if it's a boy we could call him Charlie?" They had already decided that the baby was going to have Burgess as one of the middle names, like Oliver had always carried the Ruzek name.

Adam rested his chin on her stomach and looked thoughtful. "Nah, I have another idea." He crawled up the bed and whispered in her ear. Kim smiled and nodded and they never talked about any other names.

She grabbed his face and pulled him in for a long slow kiss. Suddenly she wasn't quite so tired.

Adam loved seeing his baby. "Wow, It looks like a baby." He was genuinely shocked to see the face and hands waving about and it's legs kicking away when they had the scan. Last time he saw it he was a little stunned that it looked like _'ET' "What's wrong with its head? It's huge."_ He had almost passed out from the shock and it took a little reassuring and Kim getting him to calm down and look at Oliver's scans when they got home before he actually believed it was normal. Now he thought it was the most beautiful thing he'd seen.

"Now if that's not a Ruzek I don't know what is." Kim laughed when the Sonographer commented at how active it was.

Sitting in the waiting room before they went in Kim asked him again if he was sure that he didn't want to find out the sex of the baby. "I am sure. All I want to know is that our little lentil is okay has all it's bits in all the right spots and is growing." He was rubbing his thumb in circles on the back of her hand. "And healthy. As long as both of you are healthy that's all that matters to me now."

And it did. It had all its bits, they were all where they were supposed to be and the baby was growing well. Adam was relieved; Kim could feel him physically relax through the appointment. The longer the pregnancy went on the more he calmed down, seeing her stomach growing with his baby was very therapeutic for him. When he was struggling Kim would rest his hand on her stomach and watch him relax.

"Hello my little legume." That night Adam whispered quietly as he peppered Kim's stomach with kisses. "I saw you today, I saw your ten little fingers and toes. You look perfect. I can't wait to meet you."

Erin was not impressed. "Why did he change his mind?" Erin followed Kim through to the small kitchen when she got into work after her appointment and poured herself a coffee while Kim made a ginger tea. She didn't really need it any more, it had helped with her nausea but it had become a habit of sorts.

"I think it's a good thing. He wanted to know in case he wasn't around. He was terrified of missing out again but I think he feels really settled and safe now and that is such a relief."

"That is great."

"Who knows, next week he might feel completely different but I hang on to the good times as much as I can."

"He's getting better though."

"Oh definitely. Those bad days are few and far between."

And they were. When did he have bad days, he would zone out for a bit and Kim always told him to jump on his bike and go for a ride but he would always make a point of telling her now he was going and take his phone with him. They didn't need to re-live that night again. He would disappear for a few hours, come back and hold onto Kim for a few minutes and get on with life. She had worked out it was on significant days in his life, the other life. His 'birthday', the anniversary of his 'death', the day he knew his real life was done. They all meant something and it was not always good but he had to live through them and Kim and the kids lived through it with him.

Oliver had learnt that it did not mean Adam was leaving again, that he didn't want to go away and not be part of their life anymore. Kim could certainly see a common link between the two of them, they both could get a little anxious.

Daisy would curl up on his lap and snuggle into him. It was amazing to watch that bond continue to develop. She had no idea how Daisy knew when he needed her but she just did.

"About time you got here." Jay barked at him when he finally arrived a Molly's. They had organised to meet for a beer after Adam got off work; he'd been at the Academy for a few days doing some further training. Jay had been home most of the day with Grace and Daisy while the women folk had gone out Baby shopping. Oliver had ended up at Joey's house, he wasn't interested in shopping and neither did he want to spend his afternoon with two giggling Gerties.

"Why? What did I do?" He ordered a beer as he sat down.

"Thank you very much."

"What? Dude, you need to relax a little. Tough day with the little ladies?" Adam chuckled. "How are they and what sort of damage did your wife make mine do to the credit card?"

"You might want to pick up a few extra shifts." Jay finally smiled. "Anyway, I overheard a lovely conversation today about how you got your baby in Kim's stomach."

"Oh."

"Yes, Oh indeed. Now Gracie wants me to get my penis, or my magic wand as it's apparently known and put a baby in Mommy's belly too." Adam threw his head back and roared with laughter.

Jay could hear them whispering and made the fatal mistake of stopping to listen. "My Adam put his sperm in Mommy's womb, that's were the baby is and she had this special egg and now a baby grows. He puts it in their with his penis. I don't know how, Mommy didn't eat it. Maybe your Daddy knows?"

Daisy had been calling Adam, _my Adam_ for quite a while now and he loved it. The first time she said it he got a little emotional, he really did love her like she was his own and she was never left in any doubt that either Adam or her father loved her.

"Then how does he do it?" Grace whispered. "Maybe he can tell my Daddy and I can get a baby too?" A five and a six year old discussing sex would be highly amusing if it wasn't his daughter involved and he was quite happy to blame Daisy, because well she was older and it was her mother that was pregnant and then there was the fact she spent far too much time with Ruzek.

"I think it's magic." Daisy could not for the life of her work it out. Her mother had told her it was about a special type of love between grown ups but she didn't know what that meant. Perhaps it was the kissing?

Gracie's eyes widened. "Like a magic wand?"

"I think so."

Adam couldn't stop laughing. "My magic wand? Never called it that before. I've called it a lot of things but never that."

"Seriously, where the hell did that come from?" Jay frowned and ordered another beer.

"When we first told them about the baby Daisy was asking Kim where the baby was and she wanted to know how it got in there." He shrugged. "Magic wand, I don't know. We never used those words. I suppose when you are six things don't really make sense."

Both Grace and Daisy had eventually wandered out of her bedroom and Jay hoped like hell that the conversation had moved on. Typically they pin balled around from one topic to another at lightening speed so there was a fair chance they might just be talking about the tooth fairy by now. "Daddy? Can you and Mommy make a baby like Adam and Kim?" It wasn't Jay's lucky day.

"Hmmm, I don't think so Gracie."

"Why? Don't you have a penis like Adam? His is like a magic wand and he gave Kim something and now they have a baby growing." It was not that Jay didn't want another baby, he did desperately but Erin was adamant that one was enough and it had been rough on both of them for a while. Her Post Natal Depression was horrific and she was terrified of going back there again. Jay couldn't blame her really and they were truly blessed with Gracie.

"What did you say?" Adam thought it was all highly entertaining, especially the mortified look on Jay's face.

"Oh, it got worse." Adam swore that Jay almost shuddered at the memory.

"Well Daisy is very lucky and so are we. We get to see her new brother or sister soon but not have to worry about a crying baby all night." He tried to change the subject and offered them food to eat, which seemed to work for a bit until Daisy blurted out. "Jay, how does my Adam's sperm get inside Mommy?" He gaped at both of them sitting up at the table, shoving down the cheese and crackers he gave them and they both looked so innocent but he swore they were both channelling the devil at that moment.

"I think that is something you need to ask Adam."

Adam tipped his beer in his direction. "Thanks Buddy."

"What?" Jay tried to look indignant. "That was horrific. I'd rather do a death notification than that. How's does my Adam's sperm get inside my mommy?" he mocked.

Adam rested a hand on his shoulder. "Well Jay, when a man and a woman really love each other they do this special thing…."

Jay held up his hand. "Please just drink your beer. We have to pick up pizza on the way home and you have to explain to two little girls how you got Kim pregnant."


	39. Chapter 39 - Lucky

Kim tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable position. The past week had been like this and she'd had enough. God knows how she was going to last another two weeks, this baby seriously needed to get out. Some woman loved being pregnant and while Kim didn't hate it and feeling the baby squirming around inside her was pretty special she didn't love it either. She just wanted her baby in her arms, she just wanted Adam to see his baby and be able to hold it. That's why she was doing this, for Adam and for them.

Not only had she had enough of not being able to breathe after walking up the stairs she'd almost had enough of Adam and his constant worrying. He was bad enough when he was home and she'd hoped that him going to work would bring her some relief for 24 hours but he was just as crazy and had roped Oliver into his insanity.

That insanity coupled with her wildly fluctuating emotions made for some tense times at home. Two nights ago Adam had commented that she hadn't eaten enough dinner. "Why? Do you want me to get even fatter?"

"You are not fat, you are pregnant." He replied somewhat flippantly, unfortunately to his detriment.

"Glad you fuckin' noticed. Perhaps you should think about that when you leave your shit all over the bathroom floor. It's a fuckin' hamper with a lid, how about you lift the fuckin' lid and put your shit dirty clothes inside it for a change." She was flailing her arms around and he loved the way her belly was jiggling. He wondered if the baby was enjoying the sudden increase in activity and he probably should have tried harder not to smile.

"Okay."

"And this?" she held up the half empty carton of milk. "What the hell is this?"

"Milk."

"Yes, it's not the milk I like though." She shoved it back in the door of the fridge and hauled herself upstairs. Adam just shrugged at Daisy and Oliver and told them not to say a word. He dropped twenty bucks in the swear jar for Kim's little outburst and let her calm down before he went upstairs and found her crying on the bed.

Poking his head through the door he asked "Is it safe to come in?" from the relative safety of the other side of the room.

"Yes."

Sitting down on the edge of the bed Adam ran his hand over her back. "You owe me a twenty."

"The swear jar?" Kim laughed a little.

"It's just had a top up. Nice rant Darlin'."

"Sorry." She wiggled over so that Adam could lie down with her. He was smiling as he leant into kiss her.

"I think you are beautiful even when you are crazy."

Later that night Kim was liking Adam a whole lot more and he did have to admit that sex with someone so heavily pregnant was pretty damn spectacular. Every day was like riding a rollercoaster and you never quite knew what to expect and he loved it.

A week earlier Kevin had asked him how he was fairing as they had a beer after work. "Well I feel like I am living with about four different women. There is angry Burgess.." he was ticking them off his fingers one by one. "..crying Burgess, just my normal Burgess and then there is horny Burgess. It's a wild ride that's for sure."

Kevin cringed and just laughed. Yep, that sounded all too familiar, he'd been there and done that. On good days Adam could be lucky enough to see all four in a very short space of time. It almost gave him whiplash. Coming into the bedroom one night he frowned when he saw her pulling his favourite t-shirt over her heavily pregnant stomach. "What?" she snapped. _And hello angry Burgess._

"Ummm, it's that kinda a little tight. You are stretching it."

"No, your god damn super sperm did that."

"Okay." Deciding that his best option was just to walk back out of the room he turned and headed for the door and Kim burst into tears. _Where the hell did crying Burgess come from?_

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to be close to you." Okay, he breathed out. _Proceed with caution_. It was going to go one of two ways, she was either going to keep crying or yell at him and maybe physically rip something from his body and he was a little apprehensive as he put his arms around her.

"Anytime you want to be close to me just tell me." Before he could think she had her hands on his belt and was demanding him now. Never one to knock back a quickie he took over unbuckling his belt, ripped his pants off and let her climb on top, still wearing his favourite although now slightly misshapen t-shirt and he did not care. Yep, the ride was wild and horny Burgess was one of his favourites.

They been out for a walk tonight with Daisy riding along on her bike as Kim was restless and felt like she was in a cage. Adam had held her hand as the strolled along and it seemed to calm her down a little, the fresh air and exercise was working it's magic. He appreciated that she was no longer comfortable and having had the experience recently of wearing an empathy belly for a short while he couldn't say he blamed her. It had certainly opened his eyes to the physical challenges that being pregnant came with and he'd lasted thirty minutes. Kim fortunately was in a happy place that day and laughed at him constantly. The photos that she had kindly shared with their friends hadn't been quite so funny and he turned up to shift to find it pinned up all over the notice board.

Oliver had also teased him until Adam made him wear it too and that lasted all of five minutes. "Not so funny now Bud, is it?"

Adam mumbled something as she levered her way out of bed and waddled towards the bathroom. This was another thing that was seriously pissing her off, her pea-sized bladder. Unfortunately she hadn't quite made it to the toilet when she felt the gush of warm liquid. "Fuck." She grabbed a towel and shoved it between her legs. "Fuck."

She stood at the doorway of the bathroom and with absolute panic in her voice she called out to him. "Adam, wake up."

"What? You okay?" He mumbled barely lifting his head off the pillow. Yesterday's shift was pretty full on and they barely had a chance to hit the sack. Every time he put his head down the bells went off so once he had hit the mattress tonight he was out.

"No, my water just broke." Kim doubled over and groaned loudly as a contraction ripped through her. She had gone from nothing to a hell of a lot in a very short space of time. She tried to breathe as it eased off just as her panicked cries finally made it through his sleep haze.

He flew out of bed. "You sure." The look on her face replaced the need for words. "It's early?"

"No shit Sherlock." Kim gritted her teeth and belted his arm away as he tried to place it on her stomach. "What are you doing?"

"Making sure you're alright?" He still hadn't quite caught onto the seriousness of the situation yet.

"No, I am not fucking alright, I am about to have a baby."

"I'll get the kids." He didn't know whether to stay with Kim or go wake them up.

Kim let out a long slow moan and gripped the edge of the basin, her knuckles were white and she started panting. It was all happening a little too quickly. "You need to call 911." Kim hissed. "Now."

"Why?"

"Because I am about to give birth. Right fucking now."

"I'll get you in the car, we'll take the kids with us." They had planned to leave them with his mother. She was half way between the hospital and their place so it made the most sense should it happen in the middle of the night. They had no time for that now. "Fuck." He muttered as he staggered a little trying to pull on a pair of pants.

"Adam, I can't make it." Placing one hand between her legs she knew precisely what she was feeling and she groaned in agony. "It's too late, I need to push."

"Fuck." That word was getting thrown about a lot right now. Adam hastily pulled on a t-shirt and then crouched down in front of Kim who was still gripping the doorframe. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." She cried squeezing his arm until he winced. "Jesus Fucking Christ Adam…." Kim nodded over his shoulder as she saw Daisy appear. "Daisy."

"What's wrong Mom?" Daisy had appeared in the doorway, wiping her eyes sleepily. The commotion and Kim's agonising cries had woken her up and she had stumbled into their room like usual expecting to climb into bed between them and go back to sleep.

"Mommy is fine sweetie. The baby has just decided to come right now." She said between her panting breaths. Looking up at Adam she wasn't surprised to see the look of shock on his face. She was hoping like hell his training would kick in any minute now and he would snap out of it and help her.

"Are we going to the hospital?"

"No, Adam is going to help Mommy have the baby here." As the contraction eased off a little she grabbed Adam's arm. "Adam, you can do this, you have to do this."

"Kim." She could hear the panic in his voice.

Things were not going to plan and for someone who struggled with anxiety this was way out of his comfort zone. He was already freaking out about the delivery and Kim had Erin on standby in case he couldn't handle it but now had to handle it and deliver this baby, he had no choice. As soon as Kim's water broke she knew they were in trouble. Both times previously she had been in labour for hours but as soon as her water broke the baby was born just minutes later.

"For fuck's sake Adam. Help me." Kim yelled at him as another contraction started and suddenly he switched into gear and grabbed his phone and called 911. He placed it on the bench and put it on speaker and spoke to the dispatcher. He sent Daisy to wake Ollie, although Kim protested momentarily, she wasn't sure her kids needed to witness this but Adam wasn't leaving her and they needed towels and someone to let the Paramedics in and also needed Ollie to take care of Daisy. From his limited knowledge childbirth was hardly pretty, it was hot and loud and about to get a whole lot messy.

Ollie panicked a little until Adam calmed him down. He placed his hand on his cheek and made him look at him. "It's okay Buddy, but I need your help. I need you to help me so we can help your Mom. Can you do that? It's going to be okay, Mom is strong, she's done this before and we are going to have this baby right here. All of us." He sent him to grab them some towels and went downstairs to unlock the door. Daisy stayed with them and her freaking out gave Kim something else to focus on in between the short breaks in contractions.

"Make it stop Adam." Daisy begged him, grabbing his arm in a panic. "Don't hurt my Mommy."

"We can't make it stop sweetheart. Mom has to do this, our baby wants to meet you." They always talked about the baby belonging to all of them. This was their baby too.

Kim squeezed Daisy's hand. "It's okay. I'm okay." She panted. "Adam has to do this."

Adam was now surprisingly calm and he relayed all the relevant information to the Dispatcher. Right now he had to switch off to the fact that this was his baby and the woman he loved and make sure they were both safe. "Yep the head is crowning." As soon as Kim got down on the floor she screamed in agony and tried to stand up again. "I can't, Adam I can't."

"Darlin' you can." Kim got down on all fours and it wasn't ideal. She had delivered both Oliver and Daisy by squatting, sitting or lying down was excruciating and she had felt that when squatting she wasn't fighting gravity. There wasn't enough room in their tiny bathroom or anything for her to hold onto to brace herself. Oliver wouldn't be strong enough to hold her up and Adam needed to be in control of the birth.

Oliver was holding Daisy's hand as they talked to Kim. She was doing her best to reassure them that she was okay. "This baby just wants to meet us right now."

"It's hurting you. Why can't Adam make it not hurt?" Daisy's eyes were wide with a mixture of fear and amazement.

"It will be over soon." Kim panted as another contraction started to come on. "You are so brave."

Kim had barely ten seconds between contractions and two pushes later the head was out. Adam slid his finger down the side of its head just inside of Kim and she moaned. "Sorry Darlin'." Adam apologised but he needed to check the cord was not wrapped around its neck. He cradled the baby's head and listening to the dispatcher he tilted it slightly downwards as Kim pushed and once the shoulder came out his baby slipped out into his hands. "Well hello my little man."

Resting her head on her forearms briefly to catch her breath Kim gasped. "It's a boy?"

"It's a boy Darlin." He was rubbing the baby's back as directed by the dispatcher.

"Is he okay?" she asked just as he let out an almighty gurgling squawk. Oliver helped her move so that so that she was sitting up against the cabinet and Adam handed her the baby. He was shaking and had tears streaming down his face. The dispatcher told them to lay the baby against Kim's skin and try and get him to attach to her breast if they could, it would help with the delivery of the placenta. Adam helped her lift her t-shirt, his favourite old t-shirt that was now Kim's and slipped one arm out so they could put him against her skin and the baby snuggled into her breast and he covered them both with some towels. He leant over and kissed Kim softly. "You're amazing."

"I wanted a sister." Daisy burst into tears. Both Daisy and Oliver were kneeling up next to Kim looking at the baby as he rooted around her breast and Kim hugged her with her free arm.

"You've got a beautiful little brother." Kim wiped Daisy's tears away.

Adam draped a towel over Kim's shaking legs as he asked Oliver to take Daisy with him as they heard the Paramedics call out from downstairs. "Go and show them where we are." He didn't want to leave Kim and the baby just yet.

They heard Daisy telling them excitedly, "Mommy had a baby on the floor." Seemingly forgetting that she was upset it wasn't a sister. "It's a boy. I have a brother."

"Adam, look at him."

"He's beautiful." Adam touched his son's head lightly. He stared at them both in awe.

"He looks like Oliver."

"Yeah?" and unexpected sob escaped from Adam and he buried his head into Kim's shoulder for a moment and felt her kissing his head softly. This few minutes of just the three of them was perfect. God, he loved this woman.

"Looks like we missed all the action?" The paramedics arrived a minute later and took over. Adam was able to cut the cord before Margie took the baby and checked him out and he was very displeased with the poking and prodding judging by his energetic cries before Margie handed him back to his mother. Kim leant against Adam, resting her head on his shoulder and stared at her new baby nuzzling at her breast and felt Adam's tears trickle down her forehead. They were besotted with their tiny new son and in complete shock, thirty minutes ago they were asleep in bed and now they were holding their baby. Kim still needed to at least go to the hospital and get checked out as did the baby, but by the sound of his lungs he was doing just fine.

Adam had just delivered his own son on their bathroom floor, it had taken less than thirty minutes from the time Kim woke him until he had caught his son his hands as he made his very sudden arrival. This beautiful woman had just done an amazing thing and now that he knew they were both okay it hit him like a tonne of bricks. In that bathroom with the three most important people in his life Adam closed the circle on his past. "You did good Dad." Geoff, the older Paramedic clapped him on the shoulder. They knew each other in passing from being on scenes together but only enough to say hello.

Adam promised to be right behind the Ambulance with the kids although Daisy would have preferred to go in the Ambulance with her mother. She cried when they left, like Adam she didn't want to leave her mother or her baby.

"Is Mommy okay?" He sat on the bed and let Daisy climb into his lap so he could cuddle her for a moment.

"She is sweetheart. You were so brave, that is a very special thing we just did. I can't believe we've got a beautiful little baby boy."

"It was a bit yucky."

"What was all that stuff on him?" Oliver asked. He had been pretty quiet. Knowing him it was probably all a bit too much. He had spent a long time worrying and trying to protect his mother so seeing her in so much pain and there was nothing he could do about it upset him. He tucked himself into his Dad's shoulder.

"It wasn't pretty hey, but that stuff was just protecting him in Mommy's belly. He'll be all cleaned up soon, by the time we see him he'll be all good." Adam was surprised that they kids seemed to be coping so well. It was a hell of a way to wake up.

Adam had to laugh when Daisy asked. "Next time can it be a girl?" One thing he did know, there was not going to be a next time. Kim had told him that on numerous occasions and quite honestly he was fine with that. He never expected this so he was happy with what they had, things felt pretty complete now. He got them dressed and grabbed Kim's bag, which had already been packed in anticipation and they headed into the hospital. He did contemplate dropping them off at his mother's but decided that he wanted them both with him and knew that Kim would be disappointed if she didn't see them. He also wanted to stay in this little bubble for a little while longer. As soon as people knew they'd had the baby it would be like Grand Central Station.

An hour later he was sitting in the recliner in the hospital room, his tiny newborn son safely cocooned in his arms. Daisy and Oliver were asleep on the roll away bed that they had rustled up and Kim dozed off next to him. He was barely two hours old and the hold he had on Adam's heart was staggering. When he finally dragged his eyes away from him he noticed Kim was watching them and was surprised when she wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand.

In an instant he was standing beside her, his son in one arm and stroking Kim's forehead with the other. "Why the tears? I hope they are happy tears?"

"You know I had a dream like this once, when Oliver was born I dreamt that I woke up and you were here holding him. This is not a dream is it?"

"It's not a dream." Adam shook his head. "He's perfect Kim, so perfect."

"You were amazing."

Leaning down to kiss her forehead he whispered. "You did all the hard work, I just caught him. Do you want him back?"

"No, I want you to come and sit up here." She patted the bed next to her and moved over gingerly. "And we can cuddle him together."

"I love you so much, I didn't think I could love you anymore but I can and I do." They sat together on the bed and Kim stroked the little boy's cheek as he slept in his father's arms. If it was a dream come true for Adam, for Kim it was just as emotional. Watching him cradle him so gently was better than she imagined, better than that long forgotten dream and she fell asleep with her head on his shoulder. Adam couldn't sleep just yet; he was too wired. This had been one of the most amazing nights of his life.

When he woke again for a feed Adam was happy to sit up with Kim and watch them together. Oliver and Daisy stirred a little but quickly fell back asleep. "Are you still sure about his name?" She asked as he stared at his son who still seemed to be trying to come to terms with his new surroundings.

"I am. Lola loved her husband so much; he was the only man she ever loved. He adored her and all she wanted to do was be with him. She waited for him when he went away to Korea. It feels like us a little bit, you know that love can last a lifetime even when you might not be together, even though you feel like you'll be apart forever. Do you think it suits him?"

"I do."

Daisy was coming around to the fact that it was a boy and now that he was looking a little cleaner she was happy to hold him. Oliver did seem to like him and held him a few times despite trying to look non-plussed most of the time.

The plan was for them all to go home later today. There was no physical reason for Kim to stay and it was not like it was her first baby. "Can we not tell people about him just yet?"

"I thought you'd be screaming from the rooftops?"

And in all honesty so did he. It had almost killed him keeping Kim's pregnancy a secret until they hit the 12week mark so that fact that he wanted to keep this a secret was very sweet. "It's strange hey?." He was watching Oliver and Daisy perch themselves next to his cot and stare at their brother, gently touching his hand. "I don't know, I think I just want us to spend a bit of time getting to know him and love him."

Kim agreed it would be nice. Once the news was out it would be impossible to stop the tidal wave of visitors.

Adam was completely clueless about dealing with a baby but he was eager to learn. Well until he got sight of his first 'poo' and that just freaked him out.

"Why the fuck is it black? It's like tar." He watched Kim peel off his diaper. "It's stuck to his nuts."

"Adam, shut up." Kim warned him. Daisy had ears like a bat lately. She picked up everything and would have no qualms in repeating it to anyone who would listen. Adam still hadn't recovered from having to explain to Daisy and Grace how he managed to get his 'sperm' inside Kim to make the baby grow. It would have been fine until Halstead actually reminded Daisy about her question and they all did their best not to laugh as he tried to explain it with as few a words as humanly possible. The worst part was that Daisy apparently chose to share it with her classmates for 'news' the next day. Adam was mortified when he picked her up from school and refused to go back and pick her up for a week.

"What is it?"

"It's perfectly normal, it's meconium." Adam actually gagged and Kim looked at him and shook her head. "Jesus. I thought you used to be some big tough cop and I know you have seen some horrible stuff on Truck."

"Yes, but that is other people's stuff and I don't know them. This is coming out of my son."

"Can't wait until he spews breast milk all over you or pees in your face."

"Harsh Burgess, harsh."

Kim swaddled him and handed him back to Adam. She loved watching him holding his son already. "One day." She whispered and he knew what she meant.

"Yeah?" He was finding it hard to drag his eyes away from him but Kim's comment made him look at her. He leant in a gave her a soft kiss. "I love you, you know."

 ** _A/N: Ahhh…a Burzek Baby Boy, wonder what he's called? Was that mean not telling you?_**


	40. Chapter 40 - Look What We've Got

"Take Ollie with you." Kim was just finishing up a feed and Adam was heading out to fit the car seat in the back, clean up at home and grab a shower. They weren't quite prepared for their early morning arrival. Kim had gone over on her first two pregnancies so the fact that she was two weeks early had caught them off guard, that and the fact that it happened at home. It was probably better this way; Adam may have just flipped his lid if things had dragged on past her due date and Kim may have smothered him with a pillow.

"What about Daisy?"

"She can stay with me. I think Oliver would like some time with you." Adam leant down and kissed them both.

"Come on Ollie, let's leave these girls. We need to get some things done at home." Oliver jumped off the bed and was half out the door before Adam could blink but they did like that he stopped briefly by his Mom to give her a kiss and said goodbye to his brother.

While Ollie was happy to leave, Adam wasn't. Kim and Adam had talked about dealing with Ollie throughout the pregnancy. He was worried that the same thing was going to happen, that he was going to be pushed aside. Adam wasn't going to let that happen and Kim loved how determined he was to make this easy for Oliver. So while he didn't want to leave Kim he wanted to spend time with just Oliver and talk to him about how he was feeling, not that ten-year-old boys enjoyed talking about such things or anything for that matter.

The 'girlfriend' conversation a few weeks ago hadn't gone well. Adam had asked Oliver about the girl's hand he was holding when he stopped to pick him up at school one day. Oliver had dropped her hand like a hot rock when he spied his Dad and had barely looked at him as he climbed into his truck. The blush of his cheeks was cute, or at least Adam thought so.

"I first kissed a girl when I was nine. I thought I was king of the world that day." Adam offered up when Ollie gave him nothing on the way home. Usually he couldn't stop him talking and Adam didn't do awkward silences well, he was constantly trying to fill them that often led to Kim reprimanding him for saying stupid or inappropriate things. Like now. "Tracey Wheeler. Man, I loved her; I thought she was the hottest chick in the world. I was gonna marry her."

"She's not my girlfriend."

"Okay." Adam looked at him from the corner of his eye as he drove but Oliver was staring out the side window. It was obvious that he didn't want to talk about it, which Adam ignored because he wanted to know. He always wanted to know what was going on with his son. His parent's were too busy fighting and trying to one-up each other to worry about what Adam was doing and being the fire-cracker he was he found himself in trouble more times than not. "What's her name?"

"She's not my girlfriend." He repeated.

"Ollie, it's okay Buddy. Girls are cool, even if they are just friends. It's okay to like them."

"Dad." He groaned. "I'm not going to marry her. I just like her, she's fun."

"Always go for the fun ones. That's what made me fall in love with your Mom; she made me laugh. Still does and she's as gorgeous as hell."

Oliver had always loved hearing about how much his Dad loved his Mom, just not right now. "Can you please not tell Mom, she'll freak out?"

"She won't freak out." He nudged Oliver's shoulder lightly and he turned his head slightly and glared at his father. Adam should have taken that as a sign this conversation was over but he didn't. He just kept barrelling on. "Well maybe a little bit. You know how your Mom is at the moment, she's a little weepy."

"She cries all the time. She'll freak out and start hugging me or something."

"You love your Mom hugs. You know she'll be happy for you but if this girl breaks your heart she might hunt her down and flash her badge or something." Oliver laughed despite himself. He really did not want to talk about this, especially not to his parents. His mom would squeal and get all gushy and hug him constantly and his Dad, well he would just embarrass him by talking to her or something and he really did like her.

He was still staring out the window when he muttered. "Her name is Rosie."

"Rosie Ruzek." Adam really did need learn when to stop.

"Dad." Oliver banged his head on the window in frustration; he knew this was a bad idea.

Of course he told Kim, who in her pregnant state just burst into tears. Hormonal woman and temperamental pre-teens were going to be the death of him. Kim promised not to say anything to Ollie but Adam doubted that she had the ability to keep a secret. When Ollie came down for dinner Kim hugged him and he sulked all the way through dinner. Adam knew he'd been busted. He liked to think that at least Daisy was years away from this but she cracked the shits because Ava got a kitten and that wasn't fair because Daisy had asked for one first. When she was told they were not having a kitten with a new baby Daisy took off sobbing to her room and Adam was left standing in the middle of the lounge room feeling slightly battered from all sides. Some days he felt like he was just standing on the middle of a tiny island while the sea raged around him.

Kim was crying, emotional Burgess had taken up residence, Oliver wasn't talking to him at all and Daisy was sobbing about the unfairness of life… _Good Times._

They stopped and grabbed some burgers and fries for lunch. Kim would freak out if she knew; she had seriously tried to rein in their junk food habit so they took every opportunity to indulge when she wasn't around. "You okay?" Adam asked him while the waited for their food.

"Yep."

"Come on Ollie, buddy talk to me."

"It's great Dad, it is. I think he's pretty cool. I was scared for Mom this morning. I didn't like how much it was hurting her."

"It was scary and it does hurt but we knew that. It's not the same Ollie." He rubbed his arm briefly; he didn't want to talk about that right now. He was on such a high from the morning and nothing was going to ruin his buzz. Talking or even thinking about Kim's ex was not what he wanted or needed. "But how good was Mom?"

"You didn't seem scared."

"Ollie, I was terrified but I had to help your Mom, freaking out would not have changed anything, that baby was coming and there was nothing we could do about it. What your Mom did this morning was amazing; you know I love her right? I never would have let anything happen to her or the baby." Adam sat back a little as the waitress delivered their lunch. "For the next couple of days I might be a little distracted with helping your Mom out. You saw what she went through and she needs to rest and take it easy for a while. It doesn't mean that I love you any less. Okay?"

"Okay." He agreed but Adam wasn't convinced.

Before heading home they hit up the shops and bought a present for the baby, they had very little stuff that wasn't gender neutral so Adam bought him the smallest pair of Chuck Taylors they could find. Ollie also wanted to get him a Cubs top with his own money so they swung by and picked one up. As Adam expected the bathroom looked like at crime scene and he threw every single towel in the wash whether they had been used or not, changed to sheets on the bed and basically scrubbed the bathroom from top to bottom.

Ollie made sure that the nursery was ready and sat the present they bought in the bassinette. They had both laughed when they bought it because Kim was going to freak out. The giraffe was so lopsided it was cute.

By the time they got back to the hospital Daisy was now stretched out on the bed watching TV while Kim was dozing off beside her. Adam kissed Kim and then gently picked up his baby and handed him to Oliver. Oliver leant against his Dad so they could talk to him about hockey and baseball, they claimed that they had to teach him right from the start and sized him up with his new jersey. No way was Atwater getting anywhere near his son with the White Sox shit. Kim quietly watched them from the bed. Her three boys and even she could see the tears in Adam's eyes when he looked up and caught her staring at them.

Daisy was starting to get a little bit of cabin fever and Kim was keen to go home. There was no point staying, the baby was feeding well and Kim was feeling about as good as she was going to get. Being at home with Adam and her children was all that she needed and Adam was feeling caged in as well, he found hospital rooms too confining and that he didn't have control here. Once they had decided to wait a day before making their announcement he wanted to get them all home and be a family for a little while.

Taking him home was exciting for all of them and both the kids sat and held one of his hands all the way home. Adam drove like an old lady so it was a slow trip home but they did love all the talking and giggling coming from the backseat as two very proud siblings reported every single thing he did and fussed over their new little brother. Daisy was a little bit of a Mother Hen when they got home but also didn't want Kim to always have the baby with her. Oliver fussed over his Mom and Adam was a whirlwind of nerves and emotion and he wanted to be involved in everything and learn about looking after his son and he was almost disappointed when he was asleep.

Kim hobbled back into their bedroom, having finally found the time to have a shower. Oliver and Daisy were asleep, it had been a long and exciting day for them and as much as Daisy wanted to stay up until he woke again Kim promised that he would still be here in the morning and she could have another cuddle then.

When she came out of the bathroom Adam was lying on the bed with him and looked in awe; he was gently touching him and stroking his feet, his hands and his face and he would smile when he squirmed or made a noise. He didn't even look at Kim but knew she was there. "I can't believe this, I can't believe that he's ours and he is here. We made something perfect again, didn't we?"

"We seem to be good at it." Kim eased herself onto the bed and they stayed there and adored their little boy. "He's beautiful."

"Like you."

"You know what makes this so special? What you did this morning. I know you missed out on so much with Oliver but in some way I think this maybe made up for it a little bit. I trusted you to look after both of us."

"I would do anything for you."

"I had faith in you. It was a perfect moment wasn't it? You, me, Oliver and Daisy and now this little man." She stroked his tiny fingers and he stretched a little bit.

"It's been a big day." Adam tucked a stray strand of hair back behind Kim's ear. "You look tired, you should sleep."

"He's nearly ready for a feed. Can I just lay here with you both until then?" Kim placed her hand on top of Adam's as it rested on their baby. "This is what I dreamed of with Oliver, you being here, us being here just looking at him." Kim started to cry softly. "I just wanted you to have this, I hate that Oliver didn't get this moment with you. I hate that I never saw you looking at Oliver the way you look at him." Adam was crying with her. "I hate that I never got to see you look at me like you have today."

Reaching out to cradle her face, his voice was crackling with emotion. "In my dreams I did, every night." They stayed there, quietly loving their little boy as he slept, getting to know him, how he felt beneath their gentle touch, his fingers and toes, his facial expressions, his hair and ears. Kim was telling him what was reminded her of Oliver and what was unique to him.

When he woke Adam changed him, he was nothing if not a diligent student. Kim asked him to run downstairs and get her an ice pack. Adam had only made one joke about it in the hospital. "What's that for?" He looked slightly bemused when a nurse bought in an icepack and Kim shoved it between her legs.

"It numbs the pain from pushing a human being out of my body."

"So your lady garden's got a little scrub fire raging through it?" The midwife did her best not to laugh and Adam's toes almost curled when he saw the look Kim was throwing him. "Not funny?" she just glared at him. "Not even a little bit." His mouth would seriously be the death of him one day.

He propped himself up next to Kim while she fed him and played with his toes and fingers. He was just infatuated by them both; it was seriously going to be fight between him and Daisy in the morning. 'Take you shirt off." Adam was peering at his little face as Kim propped him up and was gently rubbing his back; he was making all sorts of little grunts and weird facial expressions. Adam loved it.

"Whoa Darlin', I know that ice-pack numbs things up a bit but surely not that much." No wonder Daisy was getting worse, not better with her wacky comments. One thing he did know, from unfortunately deciding to take a look when the Doctor came by to examine Kim, was that it looked nasty. He was holding the baby and gently covered his eyes with his hand. "I know you've just come out of there little man, but I know you had your eyes closed and it was a wise move." Kim had not been amused at the time. His jokes may have been poorly timed and he tended to get worse in awkward situations and watching a Doctor survey the damage was definitely awkward but he would do anything for Kim right now.

"Get your mind out of the gutter. I am not talking about that. You've got quite a few weeks of tying at knot in it to go yet." Kim shook her head. "You want your magic wand to wander into my garden again I suggest you learn to keep your jokes to yourself."

"I can't believe you've done that three times."

"And no more." Adam had to agree; three kids were more than enough, more than he ever thought he'd have. He wasn't greedy; every single day he thanked his lucky stars for this woman and his family. "Take your shirt off." She demanded again as she lay her son between her legs and started to remove his clothes. Adam pulled off his t-shirt and threw it aside. "Lay back." Kim was being a little bossy and he always did like it. This wasn't going to end like it usually did though.

Gently she laid the baby on his bare chest wearing just his diaper. "I love feeling his skin on mine. It's so soft, like butter and so warm. Nothing in the world feels like this" She was watching Adam and he looked so in love with his little boy and she wiped a tear from his cheek. He'd been so emotional today.

"It's pretty amazing." He ran a hand up and down his tiny back. "Is this what it feels like when you feed him?"

"Pretty much."

Kim rolled away and grabbed her phone and she adjusted the baby into just the right position and took a few photos. Showing it to Adam he just nodded. Along his side, with his tattoo showing she had captured a photo with their tiny newborn's hand covering some of the words so all she could see was 'Is a dream..' She smiled at Adam. "You are perfect."

"Who?"

"The pair of you, together."

Daisy was in bed and cuddling her brother by seven. For someone who had burst into tears because she had a brother Daisy certainly loved him now and Oliver came in not long after. It was a beautiful morning.

Once Adam had called his mother, and listened to her crying for a good five minutes, Kim called her sister and he actually heard her squeal down the phone. His Dad was pretty damn excited too. They sat and decided how to announce their new addition to the rest of their world.

Adam took a photo of the three kids. They were lying on the bed with Oliver and Daisy on either side of their little brother. Surprisingly all their eyes were open and Adam managed to capture them all looking at the camera. It was a beautiful photo, Oliver and Daisy looked so happy and the baby was all arms and legs, he had one foot in the air and one arm stretched above his head which had made the kids laugh and that's what Adam captured, three perfect human beings. He sent the photo first. _'Look what we've got.'_ They waited a few minutes and as predicted both their phones exploded.

He sent another photo of just the baby to which Adam added _. 'In the very early hours of yesterday morning we welcomed this little man as he made a surprise appearance at home on the bathroom floor. Weighing in at 7lbs 10ozs, 22in long and with a very healthy set of lungs, Oliver is delighted he has a brother, Daisy has stopped crying about having another brother and thinks he's probably okay and we can keep him, Kim was amazing as you would expect and I am glad I just managed to catch him.'_

He then sent one more photo, the one that Kim had taken of Adam with the baby last night although all you could see was his tattoo and that perfect little hand. _Our family is complete with this little man, Patrick Alvin Burgess Ruzek. Our beautiful little Paddy is a dream come true.'_

The crazy was about to start. They couldn't hide away forever and while the day at home alone was perfect they were ready to share Paddy with the world now.

While Adam grabbed a quick shower Kim let Daisy ring her father. He knew that she was excited about Paddy and wanted to tell her Dad but Adam didn't want anything to do with it. She also called her Grandparents. Steve was happy for them, he really was. Daisy was the light of his life and if she was happy that's all that mattered to him.

Adam took both Oliver and Daisy out grocery shopping and left Kim's sister at home controlling the never-ending stream of visitors and flower deliveries. Amanda must have broken just about every road rule on the way because she was here in record time. It was a level of crazy he hadn't expected. Of course they also hit up the ice-cream shop and visited Al while they were out.

If anyone was going to get emotional it was Al. Family was his weakness, and this family had been his weakness for a long time. It had filled a hole in his heart so Adam wasn't surprised to see the tears in his eyes when he showed him photos of Paddy. "I can't believe his name. Patrick Alvin? Are you for real?"

"Real as a heart attack Old Man. He wouldn't be here without you."

Adam didn't need to talk about Paddy because both the kids filled Al in on every single thing that had happened. Oliver was very practical, he told Al how Paddy would stretch and squirm and make funny noises and that he sleeps a lot. "He's not very quiet." But it was Daisy's description of his birth that delivered in typical Daisy fashion that made them laugh. "Mom was on the floor, like a horse and screaming. My Adam had to catch him, he kinda came out like a poo does." Adam choked on his coffee.

"They said fuck a lot.." Al laughed while Adam frowned at Daisy and shook his head. "..and then Paddy was all gooey and he likes to cry and he's only allowed to have Mom's milk, from her boobs. Adam likes to watch Paddy feeding. I think he likes Mom's Boobies too." He really wished she would stop but Daisy was on a roll and her excitement was cute. "We both had Mommy's milk too, didn't we Ollie?" Oliver just cringed; it was not something he wanted to think about. Having learnt all about girls, sex and now childbirth it all seemed a little bit too much to be honest.

"I wanted a sister and I cried but My Adam is not allowed to put any more babies in Mommy's tummy."

Adam thanked Daisy for her colourful description and sent her off to play; he wanted to remind her about her language but they had decided that ignoring her occasional slip of the tongue was the best option. She didn't swear often and Kim always cringed when she did but Daisy had been right, they had said 'fuck' a lot that night. "So big event in your house." Al was still chuckling away at Daisy's explanation.

"It was indeed. We were pretty stunned to be honest but Kim was amazing and I just bumbled my way through it."

"Congratulations. You deserve this; you deserve this happiness. Embrace it."

"I am, believe me."

"Then what are you doing here?"

"Trying to make sure that these two don't feel left out." He pointed at his kids. "I don't want either of them to feel pushed aside because of Paddy and it was a little crazy at the house. Amanda is running interference. I don't want Oliver to go backwards."

"Oliver's not going backwards, because you won't do that to him and he knows that. He let Steve get to him last time because he already felt insecure, he feels safe now. You make him feel safe and loved and that's all he ever wanted or needed. Don't miss out on Paddy because you are worried about Oliver."

"I don't want too."

"Then go home, cuddle and love your baby. He needs his Daddy too."

Easier said than done. He had been sharing him with his parents, Kim's sister, and half of Intelligence all morning. Trudy was the latest visitor and the moment she had seen Kim she had started to cry. "Kim, I am so happy for you. He's beautiful; he looks just like Oliver." She was surprised that Adam wasn't home though, she expected to have to lever Paddy out of his arms with a crowbar.

"He's just taken the kids out the grocery store to pick up a few things, we weren't quite ready for Paddy. They all have a little bit of cabin fever. Daisy's not quite sure about all the attention Paddy's getting, it's wearing a little thin for her." Adam was also trying to do it all; he wanted everything to be perfect and for Kim not to worry about a thing. He was tyring to be the perfect husband and father to three children who needed different things from them. Oliver needed to be reassured that he was still loved just as much, Daisy wanted to be the centre of attention and Paddy needed everything.

"How is he?" Despite knowing how excited he was for this baby she was also aware that he was also anxious about the whole thing. He fussed over Kim, excessively so and Trudy had pulled him up a couple of times. He adored seeing Kim pregnant and thought she was beautiful but that didn't stop the fear.

"He's just besotted with him and a little overwhelmed I think."

"Well you wanted him to be a hands on Dad, delivering Paddy is about as hands on as it gets." Trudy had no doubt that Adam would be there at the end.

"Very true. He was wonderful, when I woke him up he freaked out, but he was always going to no matter when I went into labour, maybe it was better this way. We didn't have a lot of time to panic; it was about half an hour from start to finish. He was pretty calm and it was perfect. I really like the thought of Adam being the first person to see him and hold him and touch him. That was really special and after everything he's been through I don't think I could imagine anything more perfect than that."

"Stop." Trudy looked down at the tiny baby in her arms. "You're Mom is making me cry."

"I thought Ollie and Daisy would be a little more freaked out but they were great, they sat with me the whole way through, avoiding the business end obviously. Although Daisy did burst into tears when Adam told her he was a boy. She really wanted a sister but she seems to like him now though."

"I love his name, Patrick. Paddy really suits him."

"It's very personal for Adam, it was his choice and something he really wanted. I am not sure he wants to share the reasons why. I loved it too." Trudy could see the emotional impact it had on Kim and she squeezed her hand. Adam had never talked to anyone else about Lola and Patrick, or Lucky as he was known, it was a very small piece of that life that he held onto and the fact that it was something they could now share together through the naming of their son was a remarkably emotional experience.

"It's perfect. He's perfect." And he was, as far as Trudy, the grouchy desk Sergeant was concerned this was as good as it gets. She handed Paddy back to his mother when Adam came in and she jumped off the couch and hugged him.

"Wow, Trudy."

She pushed him away and tried to hide her watery eyes. "Don't get used to it Ruzek, this is the only hug you'll ever get from me but your beautiful Paddy has made me all emotional."

"Me too."

The whole afternoon followed a similar pattern. This had been a pretty emotional time not only for them but also for those who had been on this rollercoaster with them and eventually Adam asked Amanda to put a stop to the visitors.

She could see that Adam was getting a little frustrated with the constant visitors. He tried to be polite but would only sit for a few minutes before leaving the room and when a random Aunt turned up he refused to let her hold Paddy, citing that he was two days old and didn't need to be passed around like a football. Now that Paddy was here Adam had a new list of things to worry about.

"Can you please stop this?" He begged Amanda. "Kim needs to rest, Paddy needs to be left alone." His Aunt Evelyn turning up, who they hadn't seen in almost a year made him snap.

Adam carried him upstairs when he insisted that Kim have a rest while he was sleeping. "When did you get so bossy?" Kim teased him as she followed him upstairs.

He indicated with a nod of his head to the little baby in his arms and said. "Since you gave me this."


	41. Chapter 41 - You Didn't Hear It?

Adam had been working for the past couple of weeks in OFI. Severide had organised for him to do a bit of work experience with them. He did enjoy being a fire fighter but he still had that yearning for the Detective side of work; that was in his blood. Someone had gone on leave so he jumped at the chance to check it out.

Unfortunately it meant that he was suddenly five days a week and he missed out on a few things at home. Kim missed him too, having him home two days out of three was a big help when the kids needed to go to school or be picked up. It meant that she didn't have to pack Paddy into the car every time she needed to go out and it had suddenly got hot the last few weeks and she hated taking him out too often.

It also meant that he missed out on Paddy's six-week check up which he wasn't happy about. They had a fire investigation on at the moment and he couldn't get away. It wasn't unlike being in Intelligence; you couldn't always control the hours.

"Is that my Adam?" Daisy asked as she jumped up from the table where she was doing some writing when she heard the door open. "Daddy, Guess what Paddy did, he shat on the Doctor."

"Daisy." Kim sighed. She was fighting a losing battle to stop Daisy repeating everything that Adam said. He was constantly commenting on Paddy's ability to poo multiple times a day and at the most inopportune times and his language left a lot to be desired. That was something he had yet to get a handle on, his loose mouth despite having to contribute to the 'swear jar' on an almost daily basis.

Daisy quickly worked herself into her usual position; Adam's arms. "It was disgusting."

"He is sometimes, isn't he?" Cuddling her sweetly Adam felt a few tears prick at the back of his eyes. Kim may have been focussed on the fact that Daisy was saying the word 'shat' but all Adam heard was that she had called him 'Daddy.'

They had never talked about it. Adam wasn't her Daddy, as much as he wanted to be. She had a Dad and she loved him and Steve was a big part of her life, they had made sure of that. The fact that she called him 'My Adam' was enough. Being in her life everyday was all that he wanted and he always told Kim that it made him happy to just be with them all, whatever he was called.

"What did the Doctor say?" He had already spoken to Kim and Paddy was doing well but he loved listening to Daisy's take on what Paddy was doing. Even though he knew he was fine, he had started smiling a little and they got the odd giggle. He followed them around the room with his eyes and was lifting his head briefly when he was lying on his tummy trying to see where people were. He would respond to the sound of their voices and Adam loved talking to him and watching him try and talk back.

"He's a good boy. Although he cried like a banshee." Adam laughed. Daisy really was his parrot lately.

"Excellent." He put Daisy back down and leant down to kiss Kim who was just finishing off a feed. Suddenly she saw the tears in his eyes and held onto his cheek for a moment while he tickled Paddy's toes but said nothing. She handed Paddy over for his Daddy cuddle. "Where's Ollie?"

"Baseball training." Kim looked at the clock. "You want to go get him or stay here with these two?"

"Let's all go. We'll get some pizza or something on the way home."

"Yes." Daisy yelled excitedly.

"Really?" Kim relatched her bra and pushed herself off the couch.

"We are celebrating."

"What?"

"Paddy passing his first test." Kim knew that Adam had been anxious about it. He had read so many books, blogs and trawled numerous websites regarding a baby's development. Paddy was perfect; he was healthy and growing. He didn't sleep as much as Kim would like but apart from that they were lucky, if only she could get Adam to relax and enjoy him. Hopefully today would help.

His first shift back at work after Paddy was born was a low point for Adam. He really struggled and eventually Matt Casey had called her and asked her to bring the kids in. She had spoken to Adam several times during the day but by the evening he was really struggling, he didn't want to eat and snapped at everyone and eventually just disappeared and lay on his bunk looking at photos and videos of Paddy. Oliver and Daisy loved going into the Station and Kim left them with the guys who took them out onto the apparatus floor while she took Paddy into see his Dad.

He heard the door open and closed his eyes hoping that whoever it was would go away. They were constantly trying to talk to him and drag him out of his headspace. He certainly opened his eyes when Kim lay Paddy down next to him. "Hey." He smiled. "What are you doing here?"

"Paddy missed you."

"They called you?" He wasn't that stupid.

"They did, they were worried about you. What's wrong Adam?"

"Nothing." He was playing with Paddy's fingers. He loved how he would grip onto them and hold on like his life depended on it. He had a strong little grip, which Adam discovered wasn't always cute especially when he grabbed a handful of chest hair one day. Kim came racing into the room when she heard Adam's yelp. "God Adam, I thought something was wrong."

"Something was wrong. He was pulling my hair. It hurt like all fuck." He'd got zero sympathy and a truckload of teasing.

Kim rested her hand on his hip as she sat next to him on his bunk.

"Adam, come on baby. We've talked about this. We are not going anywhere, tomorrow morning when you get home we will be waiting for you and you can cuddle Paddy all day."

"I hate being away from you." Adam closed his eyes, willing himself to keep it together. When he opened them Kim was watching him and after a few minutes she left him talking to Paddy, telling him that she was just going to check on Ollie and Daisy.

Kim knocked on Casey's door. "Hi Matt, You got a minute?" He nodded and beckoned her in. "I'm sorry about this."

"Don't be sorry. Everyone struggles a little the first time they leave their babies at home. Ruzek probably has more reason than most. Everyone here knows his history, they want to help." Adam had fitted in well and rarely gave them cause for concern but Matt did know a lot about Adam's struggles, both Adam and Kim sat him down at the start and talked about it. His biggest was that it would affect others and that was the last thing he wanted. Having a baby was a big change for anyone, let alone someone with such a difficult past and they were all more than happy to work with him and help him overcome his anxiety. Occasionally it got beyond them and then they would call Kim and let her know what was going on and she could get him back on track. Not once had he put anyone in danger, it was back at the station that he would crash.

"I know. I thought he'd be okay. We've been talking about this and I've spoken to him a few times today. It hasn't affected him while on a call has it?" It wasn't a surprise to her. He just loved being with Paddy but he was holding on too tight. Kim loved having him home for the first two weeks but perhaps it was too long and as time went on he found it harder to let go.

"No, it's been a quiet shift perhaps that's made it worse. He's had too much time to think. You are welcome here anytime and it's always good to see kids in this place, the guys love it." Matt came and stood next to Kim and put an arm around her shoulder and walked her out. "We'll keep an eye on him."

By the time she got back to Adam he was out of the bunkroom and had lost Paddy to Sylvie and was looking much happier. Oliver and Adam were playing a computer game and Daisy was sitting on Cruz's lap, eating a chocolate chip cookie and washing it down with a glass of milk while she was telling him about her day at school.

Walking them all out to the car he buried his head in Kim's shoulder for a moment. "Let me know when you get home, call me before you go to bed."

"Adam, Sweetheart. It's okay to miss Paddy but he's not going anywhere."

"I missed out on Oliver, I don't want that to happen again. I want to be a good Dad."

"It's not happening again. If you had been here you would have been in Intelligence and working stupid hours and we still would have been waiting for you at home. This is better. Twenty-four hours and then you get two whole days to love him and Oliver and Daisy. We can do this; you can do this. I have faith in you. You are a great Dad, going to work doesn't make you a bad Dad."

"I miss you."

"I miss you too. I love waking up with you but you'll be home early and we can spend the day together and you can cuddle Paddy as much as you want." She kissed him softly and got in the car, unsure if she had got through to him or not. It was hard to tell some days, his anxiety was such a volatile beast and some days Kim just had to hang on and ride it out.

Things had improved since those early days and they settled back into a good rhythm. Adam would still call Kim throughout the day and they always had a late night chat while she was feeding Paddy after Oliver and Daisy were in bed. Every night he would still call Oliver, something they had started back when they first met and Adam made sure that it continued. It was one of the ways he was showing Oliver that he was still important.

Kim asked him to change Paddy's diaper if they were going out. She followed him into his room to grab some clothes. "So he's all good? Really?"

"Really. Adam, look at him. He's perfect. The Doctor was very happy with him even though he 'shat' all over him." Kim's use of air quotes made him chuckle.

"That's my boy." Adam tickled his stomach and he gurgled. Kim slipped her arms around Adam's waist and peered over his shoulder at Paddy. His hair had thinned out a little but he still had the same colour as Adam and Oliver. Kim really hoped he kept it, she loved that he looked like his father and brother. His eyes were dark and fortunately as soulful as his Daddy's and some days she just wanted him to wake up so she could look at them.

"He also said that I am all good too." From the corner of her eye she could see him smile.

"Best news I've heard all day." His baby wrangling skills had improved remarkably and he had Paddy dressed again and snuggled into his arms in minutes.

"Thought you'd be happy."

With Paddy squeezed in between them Adam kissed her softly. "I love you. Let's get this houseful of monkeys fed and into bed." Paddy let out a little cry, letting them know he didn't appreciate being squashed. "Hey Buddy, you need to behave Daddy needs to show your Mommy some love later on."

"Just because he said I am good doesn't mean I feel good." Kim untangled herself from his arm and winked at him as she left the room.

Adam followed her out, teasing her as she walked away flipping her hand at him. "I'll make you feel good baby. You know I am good at that."

Oliver was a little bemused at his Dad's eagerness to get them all into bed. He had Daisy bathed, along with Paddy as soon as they got home and Oliver was ushered into bed as soon as the clock ticked over 830pm. Kim just laughed and let him go.

"What if I said no?" Kim took his offered hand and he pulled her up off the couch.

"Then I'd just cuddle you." He pulled her flush against his body. "I'd cry and I'd be naked." Kissing her behind the ear she melted into him. "And then if perhaps you felt the urge you could, you know hit on me."

"You're such a romantic." Kim pushed him away lightly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a Gummy Bear.

As she reached out for it he whispered. "You take that Darlin', you know what that means." Kim pulled her hand away, cocked her head and smiled before she grabbed it and popped it into her mouth. The smile on Adam's face was irresistible and he tugged on her hand and led her upstairs.

Kim was constantly worried that Adam wouldn't like her body anymore. She hated her flabby belly but Adam refused to let her hide it from him. "I don't care." He would tell her. "I love you, all of you, every inch of you."

He edged her backwards, kissing her softly until her knees hit the back of the mattress and she fell back on to the bed. Adam stretched out beside her slipping her hand under her shirt and he felt her stiffen a little. "This body has given me three amazing children. You've grown three babies in here." He rested a hand on her belly. "I think that is the most beautiful thing in the world. Seeing you pregnant, watching you give birth to my son, watching you feed him; watching you with Oliver and Daisy. If you can tell me one thing hotter than that I'd like to hear it."

"Well, watching you with Oliver, with Daisy and with Paddy. 'Aint nothin' hotter than that." Kim reached up and pulled him back down so that she could kiss him. Six weeks without sex wasn't quite a lifetime but they were both glad it was over.

"Now." Kim propped herself up on one elbow and rested one hand on his chest. "Why the tears earlier?"

"You didn't hear it?"

"Hear what?"

"Daisy called me Daddy." She'd only done it the once and for the rest of the night he was back to being Adam.

"Oh." Kim felt her heart clench a little, she couldn't believe that she had missed that. "Did you like that?"

"I did. It really got to me. I know I am not her Dad, I wish I was but I do love that she thinks that I am that big of a part of her life."

"Of course she does. Adam she loves you so much. You make her so happy."

"I don't want to take her away from her father. Steve is her Dad. I know that."

"Adam, Sweetheart." She kissed his chest. "She knows that, she knows Steve is her Dad but she also knows how much you love her. Your Oliver's Dad and Paddy's and she is your stepdaughter. If it makes Daisy happy to call you Dad then I am good with that."

"Me too. It just sounded so damn cute."

"I can't wait to hear it again." Squeezing herself tighter into his body. "Here's an idea." Kim whispered in his ear and he smiled as he rolled her onto her back and showed her again how much he loved her.


	42. Chapter 42 - Our Favourite People

One day…..

Daisy twirled around the room, her skirt floating out around her knees. Kim had given up asking her to try and stay a little neat and tidy. She was worried she was going to spoil her dress and mess up her hair but Daisy was too high on life right now to care. She was way too excited.

Paddy was standing up against the table, bouncing on his chubby little legs and squealing at his sister. He loved the kids and constantly sought them out. If he could hear them he wanted to be where they were and now he was crawling there was no stopping him; often to Daisy's annoyance. She had told Adam one day that he had _'no chill'_ when Paddy had grabbed her dolls out of her dollhouse while she was playing with them and Adam had to go and sort them out.

Paddy banged his hands loudly on the table when nobody was paying him any attention. Erin scooped him up and tipped him upside down making him squeal with laughter. "You are just like your Daddy. Always want to be the centre of attention." She cooed and Kim laughed.

"He's a Daddy's boy that's for sure."

Kim's hair was finally finished and she sat down briefly to give Paddy a quick feed. Despite her attempts to get him to take a bottle he was having none of it. It was boob or nothing when Kim was around, he would take one from Adam or anyone else as long as he couldn't see or hear his Mom. Adam loved it, he loved watching them together and seeing how obsessed Paddy was with her boobs and how excited he would get when Kim sat down and started unlatching her bra. He didn't want them to stop but Kim had just about had enough and that was totally her call, although she was looking forward to his first birthday in just over a month because she was willing to stick it out until then.

Erin took Paddy from her to get him changed once he was finished while Amanda helped Kim into her dress. The tight fitted lace bodice that finished low over her hips showed off both her toned arms and back. The skirt made of the same flowing material as Daisy's dress swirled around her legs as she moved. Paddy was wearing the cutest pair of black suit pants and a white shirt.

"You know, I am so happy for you and Adam." Amanda kissed her sister's cheek and Kim could see the tears bubbling along her lower lids. "You deserve this. Both of you. I wish Mom and Dad could be here to see how happy you are finally." It had been a long time since they'd lost both their parents. Their Dad had died when they were still teenagers and their mother when Oliver was almost three. It had been a bitter blow watching their Mom suffer a stroke and her two daughters made the heart breaking decision to turn off her life support. As they rarely saw their Aunts and Uncles it was just Kim and Amanda now.

"Don't you start crying, my make-up will run."

"I am proud of you. You and Adam have done so well. Look at this beautiful family." They smiled down at Daisy who was holding Kim's hand while Erin had bought Paddy over. He reached out for his mother and Kim happily took him from Erin.

Kim had been back a work since Paddy was six months old. It just wasn't financially viable for her to stay home any longer. They were lucky that Adam was able to take on the role of stay at home Dad for a few days each week. When he was on shift his mother would look after Paddy and take care of Oliver and Daisy after school until Kim got home. As best they could Kim would try and get home early those nights. It worked well and Adam did enjoy the extra time with Paddy. He may have joined the party late but he was a damn good Dad, not the neatest or most organised Dad in the world but the kids were clean, fed and happy but more than anything, they were loved.

Al walked her down the aisle. They would both be forever grateful for the way Al not only looked after Kim and Oliver when Adam wasn't around but he had helped bring them back to each other. Not having a father around Kim couldn't think of anyone else she wanted to be by her side. Amanda had carried Paddy down and handed him over to Adam before the ceremony started and he had literally dived into his arms when he saw him, he adored his Daddy. Oliver, Paddy and Adam were all dressed in black pants and a white shirt. Adam was wearing a jacket but no tie and Oliver was the same as Paddy, just pants and a shirt. They wanted all three of the kids with them as they did this so Adam wasn't letting go of either of them.

They constantly had Kim mesmerized and right now she couldn't drag her eyes away. Adam's arm was draped over Oliver's shoulder and tucked into his hip was Paddy. A man and his two sons was a beautiful sight and the fact that it was her man and their two sons made it all the more perfect.

Al had linked his arm through Kim's and she held Daisy's hand in the other and when he stepped away at the top of the aisle and when he took his seat next to Kim's sister and watched this beautiful family put the final piece of the puzzle in place he felt like his work was done.

In front of their families and friends and their work colleagues who had been by their sides for longer than they could remember Kim finally became Mrs Adam Ruzek. "You may kiss your bride." The Minister declared and Adam was more than happy to use his free hand to hold Kim's cheek and kiss her. Surrounded by the three most important people in their lives they were finally husband and wife.

Daisy clapped happily when they kissed, Oliver's smile lit up his face and Paddy couldn't decide if he wanted to be in his father's arms or his mother's.

"Nice to meet you Mrs Ruzek." Kim felt his smile against her lips.

The ceremony was short and to the point. They mingled with their guests before taking off and having some family photo's taken before heading back to the reception. It wasn't a big wedding, that would not have been them but all the people they wanted to spend the day with were there. Intelligence, Firehouse 51, Adam's parents and Kim's sister Amanda, Pete and Zoe all celebrated a wedding that was more than a decade in the making.

They had told no one that they were planning a wedding. Until they all received the invitation in the mail nobody knew anything. That had been Adam's idea; wedding planning hadn't gone well for them in the past so he really wanted to avoid all that drama. Of course people asked if they were going to get married as soon as they had Paddy but they managed to throw everyone off. _'We haven't talked about it.'_ Kim would tell them and explained that it was too much for Adam right now. It was easy enough and Adam didn't mind that Kim was using him as an excuse because no one dared question him. His struggle with anxiety was no secret among those closet to them and they were the people that they wanted with them today.

One thing had changed for Adam though; he didn't ask Kevin to be his best man because he wanted Oliver to be beside him. He had taken Oliver out fishing one afternoon and asked him. "You know Bud, Mom and I are going to get married. Years ago I asked Kev to be my Best man because he was my best friend now though it's you, you are my Best man, my best friend. I want you to stand next to me when I marry your Mom. Whaddya say?"

"What do I have to do?"

"Just be happy for us."

"I am happy Dad." He was so excited that Adam had barely pulled into the driveway before Ollie was out and telling his Mom about being the 'Best Man.'

Of course Adam had told Kim he was going to ask him that afternoon and seeing Oliver so happy bought a tear to her eye. Adam scooped Paddy out of Kim's arms and leant in for a kiss. "I think he's cool with it." He laughed.

Kevin was the MC for the night and had everyone in stitches. If ever he failed as a cop this was always an option for him. He teased Adam about going over to the dark side. "Unlike our dear Trudy who just married someone from over there." He waved in the general direction of the guys from the Firehouse. "Ruzek went one better and decided to actually become one of them, so I guess we have to put up with him tyring to convince us that he is still serving and protecting when really he's rescuing cats outta trees and sleeping for the majority of his shift and waving the occasional hose around." He waved his hand dismissively at the good-natured jeering from their tables. He talked about them for a few minutes, how they met and some funny stories about their lives together. It was short and sweet just as Adam had requested and he didn't talk about their time apart or Adam's years away. This was a celebration.

"Now, while I could probably spend the next hour sharing some pretty entertaining stories about these two, there is someone who wanted to say something. He pulled me aside earlier and begged me to let him talk. While I don't like sharing the stage usually I couldn't say no." Oliver's speech made both Adam and Kim cry, along with just about every other person in the room. They had no idea he had worked on something for them.

"My Mom has always looked out for me, from the moment I was born she loved me and told me all about my Dad. My Nan and Pops were always talking about Adam and how much they missed him and when I stayed with them they would show me photos and videos of my Dad. When I met him I was scared that he wasn't going to like me and that he wasn't here because he didn't want to be my Dad but Mom told me that he would, that he would never have left if he'd known. I was really nervous but I asked him to come to my baseball game the next day and he hasn't left yet. It has been an amazing four years. He loved me and I love my Dad. He loved Daisy too. He's looked after us and our Mom and Daisy and I love them both so much, Paddy would say so too if he could talk. Even when Paddy came along they just loved us even more." He stole a quick look at his parents. Paddy was curled up on his mother's lap and he was playing with his camel which was keeping him occupied while Daisy was on Adam's lap, she was loving the whole party vibe. They kept stealing glances at each other and Adam's arm was draped around the back of her chair, running his fingers up and down her bare arm and they never felt so loved and so in love.

"It's was not always fun, but my Dad protected us and never let us get hurt and it felt good to know that I had someone to help me look after my Mom and Daisy. Mom always worried though and wouldn't let me ride on Dad's bike for a long time which was annoying and the first time I stayed with Dad she rang four times to make sure we didn't really go to the bar." Oliver seemed to be loving talking about them and every single person in that room had tears in their eyes and a smile on their face. "Dad hates it when we spew, he get's all squirmy and starts to gag, he get's bored at our concerts. Sometimes it's hard for my Dad and he used to get sad. We just love him even more until he's happy again." Adam dropped his head for a moment and Kim could see his tears, which he wiped away with his thumb. "That's okay though, because that makes him special."

"Mom hates how messy we all are and how loud we get but she loves it when we make her breakfast in bed although she doesn't love having to clean up the kitchen afterwards and they never share their Gummy Bears."

"My Mom and Dad are the best people in the world. They are our favourite people. We love them and we couldn't be happier now that they are married and not going anywhere. Although apparently they want to have a couple of nights away from us all now so we have to stay with our Grandparents. Dad says he needs peace and quiet to love Mom properly." Oliver seemed to have inherited his father's gift of the gab.

Kim laughed and dug her fingers playfully into Adam's leg. "I can't believe you told him that?" He just winked at her as he got up to take over from Oliver. He stopped and kissed his forehead before bending down and whispering something in his ear. All anyone could see was the delighted smile on Oliver's face.

"Well I don't know if I can top that." He started. "This day was a day I never thought would come. Many years ago I woke from a dream comforted by the thought that I imagined this day. For a long time every day I lived was like a nightmare. There was this woman that I loved with every single part of me that I couldn't see or touch or feel. One day I learnt that perhaps I could see her one more time, hear her voice again and perhaps, if I was lucky maybe I could kiss her one more time, even if it was only for a moment I convinced myself I could live with that."

"Well that was a lie. How could I not fall in love with her again? And she walked back into my life in this dirty rundown café half way between Chicago and Detroit and my heart felt whole again and I thought to myself 'one day'. This remarkable person who had raised my son into this incredible boy you see before you today." He raised his hand towards them both. "I know you all know how amazing he is because you all helped create that and I will be forever grateful. She also had this beautiful daughter who just sparkles and lights up every room she steps into. And now we have this other perfect little human in our lives too. However.." he paused and looked at Kim who was trying her best to hold it together. "However, this beautiful woman, who from today I get to call my wife bought Adam Ruzek back to life, she is my life." That little lip quiver she caught sent the tears tumbling down her cheeks.

"I have this tattoo on my side." He pointed to its location, his voice still a little shaky. "It says 'Is a dream a lie if it don't come true' The rest of it is meant to say 'or is it something worse.' and I can tell you that a dream that doesn't come true is worse than a lie it is a painful ache in your heart that never goes away. It seemed appropriate at the time I got it. Right now, now that the dream has come true and life is so much better than I imagined in my sleep. I don't need to dream anymore because I am living it."

"My beautiful Kim, thank you for my life and my children; Oliver, Daisy and Paddy. They keep it real; they keep us sane and drive us insane. At times it feels like we are one tent away from having the whole damn circus. I wouldn't swap one single second of our life with them, even when they are spewing." He looked and pointed at Oliver who had Daisy now sitting on his lap, and that was a beautiful sight. He hoped someone had captured a photo of it, his whole world sitting together. "Thank you for that Oliver."

"I couldn't let this occasion pass without thanking you all for being here. It's been a long hard road and having you all in our lives makes us happy but there are a few people I want to thank personally. Outside of our families who have always supported us, who supported Kim as she bought our boy into this world and as she made the best life she could for Oliver and then Daisy I really want to thank a couple of others." He turned to Platt first. "Trudy, I can't thank you enough for holding Kim's hair back on that terrible day and for every day after. You busted my balls but had my back when I couldn't be here to look after her. You truly are one of a kind." Surprisingly Trudy blew him a kiss and he just nodded and he took a mouthful of beer to clear his throat.

"And Erin, who saw my son come into the world and you've been forever connected to him through that. He's a lucky boy to have you in his life, you've always been in his corner and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that." He took a deep breath and this was when it got really hard. "And finally to Al, I don't know what to say. It was a long time ago that you took a punt on me and set a crazy chain of events in motion that have led us to this day. The day I picked up the phone wanting to hear a voice from my past it was you I turned to and you fronted up the next day and everyday since. Not long after that I stumbled into your kitchen and saw my son for the first time. While it was a huge shock one thing I did notice was that not only did Oliver turn to you when he was scared but also I saw the love and protectiveness for him in your eyes. When his world was in chaos he turned to you, as did I. I don't have the words to tell you how much you mean to me, but I want you to know that you are my hero."

Taking another sip of his beer he wiped away a tear and took a deep breath. "I am a lucky man and before I go I just want to say. Love your people, tell them that you love them, fight for them, hold them and don't let them go, life is for the living, love and live your life with the people you want. Don't let anyone take that away from you. I am doing that. I am loving every single second of my life, I am loving Kim like there is no tomorrow because one day there is no tomorrow and I am never letting her go." Laying his hand on his heart he continued. "I am a man in love. So drink our beer, our wine, eat our food and when you go home tell the one you are with how much you love them, tell them everyday."

Adam walked towards Kim with his hand out and a watery smile on his face. Amanda took Paddy from Kim's lap and while he protested a little he soon settled into her shoulder with his doody in his mouth and his camel tucked under his arm. It was the ugliest toy Kim had seen but both Ollie and Adam insisted that Paddy would love it and he did. It was his constant companion. Al came and stood by Oliver and held Daisy's hand as Adam and Kim danced, lost in their own world for a few minutes. Like the day on his back veranda when he first came home and Adam had held onto her for the longest moment and the world around them just blurred into the background a little.

Adam then danced with Daisy while Kim danced with Oliver, ignoring his protests about being embarrassed by dancing with his mother. She leant down to talk to him. "That speech you made was beautiful. I am so proud of you."

"I am really happy for us Mom."

"You know, you and me we've been through a lot together and I love you so much." She kissed his forehead. "I am glad we had each other."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course you can." They were standing in the middle of the dance floor while everyone else moved around them.

"Do you think we can do that paperwork that changes my name?" It had been a while since Oliver had stopped using Burgess as his surname but they hadn't done anything formally, his birth certificate still said he was a Burgess. "Can I just be Oliver Ruzek? Like officially?"

"We can do that. Your Dad will love that." Oliver looked so relieved and he was happy to hug his Mom. Adam caught her eye, he had watched them talking and it was something he loved doing, watching Kim and Oliver together. They had something special even though 11 year olds liked to pretend they didn't need their Mom's love and cuddles.

Adam found Kim talking to Sylvie and Gabby along with Teresa, Cruz's partner. She looked beautiful and happy as she rocked Paddy to sleep. He had protested at not being able to have a feed because Kim had had a few champagnes but was settling down. It was way past his bedtime. Daisy was still the life of the party and she was currently dancing with Mouch while Oliver was talking to Jay. He made his way over to Kim and rubbed Paddy's hair lightly. His eyes shot open briefly before they slid closed. "Mom's going to head off soon and take the kids."

"You gonna break that to our little party animal over there?" she nodded in Daisy's direction.

"How about I take Paddy and you can do that?"

"Nice try." Kim watched as Adam approached his step daughter and they all laughed as her face fell and she burst into tears. She was tired, way over tired but had the habit of just going and going but once she stopped it all fell apart. Adam picked her up and Daisy wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder, her protests had been brief.

"You've had a big day Tickety Boo and Grandma is going to take you home."

"Is Ollie and Paddy coming too Dad?"

"They are." When Daisy had started calling him Dad just after Paddy had been born Steve didn't particularly like it but he accepted that Adam was in her life. He had been surprised when Daisy had told him that Adam kept telling her that Steve was her Daddy and loved her and that she had to keep seeing him. He knew that it was Adam who pushed Kim to let him back into Daisy's life when he finished Rehab, he couldn't hate the guy. No matter how much he wanted too.

She didn't always call Adam Dad but most of the time she would and they spent a lot of time together. Steve would still have her every second weekend and would sometimes pick her up after school when Adam was working and she would spend half the school holidays with him. They all missed her like crazy, she had such an infectious personality but being with her Dad was also important along with her Grandparents. Steve had moved on and met someone else and seemed happy but his relationship with Kim was only friendly for Daisy's sake and she did get along with Beth, his partner and Daisy loved her.

They walked the three of them out. Paddy was out cold and barely moved when Kim buckled him into his seat, Daisy was asleep on Adam's shoulder and Oliver was more than happy to go, he'd had enough of people trying to hug him or dance with him.

Rather than head straight back inside when his mother left with the kids Adam grabbed Kim around the waist and pulled her close. "Just a minute." He kissed her softly. "My beautiful wife."

"Pretty wild hey?"

He nodded. "Pretty wild."

"Hey did Oliver talk to you?"

"About what?"

"He wants to do the paperwork, he wants to officially change his name to Ruzek."

"We'll get it Monday." He held both Kim's hands. "Are you okay with that?"

"Of course. It feels right. He's always been a Ruzek."

Running his thumb over her wedding ring. "This feels right. Can we just stay out here until they all go home?"

"No." They danced the night away, laughed and drank with their friends. It was perfect end to a perfect day.

Kim had left it up to Adam to organise the hotel for the wedding night and he surprised her with The Langham for not only one night but two. Initially Kim had been worried about leaving Paddy for so long but he really wasn't as needy anymore and would eat almost anything and she did leave his mother with some milk. They promised that on the second morning Janet would bring them in for a late breakfast and they would hang around the hotel for a few hours but they had two nights and a whole day to themselves and that hadn't happened for a long time. This was a treat and they were going to make the most of it.

"Can you believe we finally did this?" Adam had asked her to dance with him when they got into their room. While they had danced at the reception everyone was watching and now it was just them, no interruptions, just a peaceful, quiet all consuming love.

"I can. From the moment I saw you sitting in that café I knew this would happen. I knew we would find a way. You can't have a love like this and let it go to waste."

"While we haven't made things easy and it's been such a long hard road, one thing was always easy." Adam bent her backwards slightly and kissed her softly. "Loving you is easy."

 ** _A/N: Yes, that is it. Hope you liked it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I wasn't sure how it was all going to come together when the idea first popped into my head so I'm glad it made sense in the end (hopefully?). Thank you for all your reviews, follows and kind words, you are all awesome. Until next time…._**


	43. Bonus - Her Son's Child

_**Okay, completely out of the blue I know, I was cleaning up my computer and found this deleted chapter from Ghosts, I thought some of you might like it.**_

 _ **Now don't get too excited...it's a one off. I haven't had even the slightest inkling of an idea or the inspiration to write.**_

 _ **Enjoy.**_

Kim rolled over, although that was a bit of a misnomer, it was more like a hauling motion as she tried to manoeuvre her large stomach from one side of the bed to the other so she could lever herself out of bed and to the bathroom. Her bladder was about the size of a pea and the human growing inside her was taking great delight in dancing on it.

She waddled to the bathroom and honestly she did not think her skin could take anymore stretching. Everything was aching, her hips ached, her back throbbed constantly and it was a challenge just walking up the three stairs to her apartment without stopping to catch her breath. The last few days had really taken it out of her.

"Jesus." She muttered when she barely squeezed out a pee. "You woke me for that?" Reaching for some toilet paper she grimaced a little at the pain in her side. "Okay, enough." Resting one hand on her belly and the other on the cabinet she took a few deep breaths and hauled herself off the toilet.

Falling back to sleep was always something she excelled at, her mind went blank as soon as he head hit the pillow so by the time she had been woken for the fourth time Kim couldn't stop the deep guttural sob she felt rising up inside her when she realised what was happening.

"Not yet, please little one. I am not ready to let you go, I am not ready to not have part of him inside me. Not yet." Technically she had a week to go so anytime now she could go into labour. It was easy to pinpoint her due date because the crazy night this all happened was burned into her brain. It was wild, passionate and full of angst, anger and a deeply buried love. It was pleasure and pain all rolled into one.

Lying on her side she watched the clock, the minutes ticking by. Twenty minutes and by the time two hours had passed as she stared at the numbers Kim finally admitted that she was indeed in the final hours of her pregnancy.

They had a plan, for when this moment arrived and Kim ignored it. This was her last few hours with this sense of calm she felt with her baby inside her; it controlled her grief. It was irrational that she felt that by giving birth to this baby, when that cord was cut that she would lose part of him when in reality from the moment she conceived they were tied together in the most primal and everlasting ways, even if he would never see his child.

She wanted to hold her baby and tell them about their Dad but she was scared that she would one day have to explain to them why he wasn't here and that the last words he said to her was _'Thanks for that. See you at work.'_ They hadn't had a personal conversation about what they were doing for weeks. No 'I love you.' No sweet nothings. _'It's just sex Kim, don't freak out. It's nothing, just sex.'_

There had been moments when she had been angry, angry at him for leaving, angry at him for dying and angry at herself for being so stupid and getting pregnant. They were adults for fuck's sake, they knew how these things worked, and being drunk and angry at each other was not ideal conditions for conceiving. She also worried about the stress she was under and what it had done to her baby; had she damaged it, would they struggle, suffer from anxiety. Would they hate her for not having a Dad? It was then she got angry with Adam again, he should have been a man and stayed so they could work it out, he was gutless and he ran away. He didn't deserve this baby.

But she loved him, desperately so and she missed him. And it hurt like hell.

Pulling on some leggings and a hoodie Kim checked her phone to make sure she had it charged and headed out. She needed fresh air and surprisingly she felt a little lighter, only slowing her brisk walk when a contraction made her and by the time she got home they were getting harder to ignore. Not that she could ignore them, every single one was a reminder that her whole world was about to change forever.

By the time she got out of the shower they were ten minutes apart and took her breath away but still she wanted to be alone. "This is not fun." She talked to her baby. "I know you are probably telling me to call someone but if I can't have your Daddy I want to be alone for now. Is that okay?"

Pulling out a box from her closet she found a comfortable position sitting crossed legged on the floor and opened the lid. The first photo took her breath away. It was taken when they were newly engaged and he was carrying her on his back through a muddy field so she wouldn't get her shoes dirty. Kevin had been with them and teased him mercilessly and snapped the photo. She had found it shoved in his desk drawer when she had first come up to Intelligence. When they had cleaned out his desk after they learnt that he was never coming home Kim had kept it. One day she would show his child how happy they were, once upon a time. Working her way through the box took her mind off the regular contractions but her breath caught in her throat when she found the small velvet bag in the bottom on the box, lying next to his badge she held it in one hand and fingered the bag with the other. She hadn't opened this since they day they gave it to her.

Tugging on the silken ties she tipped the contents onto her palm. Her engagement ring felt like a dead weight on her hand, cold and lifeless and it still made her heart skip a beat, like the day she found it in her locker. "Oh god I miss you." She sobbed. As another contraction took her breath away she held onto them and tried to breathe. Putting the ring back in its bag she quickly replaced it and all the photos closed the lid and put it back in it's place at the back of her closet. Back where she buried him. One day she wanted his child to have it.

Grabbing her packed bag out she checked she had everything and slipped the last thing into the side pocket. She could no longer ignore the regular contractions and the panic was starting to overwhelm her along with the pain of each contraction as they edged closer and closer together and intensified.

"Hi Kim, I was just about to call you…" It was the same phone call she got everyday, one of the many.

"Erin…." Kim sobbed desperately.

"Kim, I am on my way." Erin was yelling at Jay to get in the car. "What's happening?"

"Just hurry."

Within ten minutes Erin and Jay were letting themselves into her apartment and they found Kim leaning against the kitchen bench rocking back and forth. "How long? Have your water's broken? When did it start? Do you need to push?"

It was position that she never wanted to be in, being Kim's birth partner, it shouldn't have been her but she did not even hesitate when Kim asked her months ago if she would help her. "Platt has offered but there is no way I could ever look her in the face again if she saw all my bits."

"Of course I'll do it. I won't be looking below your waist though, just so you know."

They had gone to classes together and the disapproving looks they got had gone on for a few weeks before Kim angrily told them that her baby's father was dead. "So shove that in your pipe and smoke it." she spat before storming from the room. They found another class to attend and decided to announce up front the situation they were in, it wasn't a baby has two mommy's fantasy. She was determined to learn every single little thing in minute detail; she had to do everything within her power to protect this precious life growing inside her. So many people needed this baby to be okay, none more so than its mother.

"How long?"

"Since about 4am."

"Why didn't you call?"

"I wanted to be alone." Kim sobbed. "I wanted…" the rest of the sentence died on her lips as she felt another contraction starting, a little sooner than the last.

"Let's get you to the hospital. Where is your bag?" Erin was satisfied that Kim wasn't too far gone as she sent Jay for her bag and they both helped her down to the car. Sitting in the back with Kim Erin held her hand as she sobbed all the way to the hospital.

Once they were admitted Jay called all the names on the list that Kim had meticulously written, who needed to be notified and who she wanted to know that the time had come, but she didn't want to see anyone. It was just her and Erin.

The hours ticked by and Kim was tiring and she refused any assistance. No drugs, no interventions. "It's stupid isn't it?" She asked Erin during a brief respite.

"What is?"

"That I am scared of having this baby. Most moms want to meet their baby; I want them to stay in here forever. I don't want to lose part of him, it's like he is in here." She ran her hands protectively over her baby belly.

"No it's not, but I do know that the moment you meet this little one you we will realise that he's still with you. You are having his baby, that's amazing Kim."

"Do you think he'll be happy with me? For keeping it?"

"Oh sweetheart, he'll love it, he loved you so much. This baby would have bought you back together, where you belonged, with each other. Perhaps it still is. He's always going to be part of your life and imagine being able to hold his child and tell them all about their daddy."

"I can't." Kim shook her head; she gripped the edge of the bed and started to rock. "I can't."

Erin had seen it in the bag when Kim had asked her to get her essential oils out. She had always been a big fan of Lavender Oil especially and often used it for headaches and tension even before she fell pregnant. She also had some clary sage, which was good for calming you during labour and Erin put a drop in each palm and let Kim inhale it. She'd felt calmer after that for a while and she asked for them again now and instead of the oil she placed the badge in her hands. "He's here with you. Hold onto that thought. He's right here."

The labour had stalled a little, not that the contractions were easing off, they just weren't getting any closer. "Okay Kim, listen to me." The Doctor was resting her hands on her knees. "While the baby is doing really well I think we need to get this moving along. I would like to rupture your membranes and see if that is holding things back."

"Will it hurt the baby?"

"No, I won't touch the baby. It will be uncomfortable for you for a couple of minutes while we insert a little hook and break the sack. After that expect the contractions to get rather intense."

"They feel pretty intense already."

"I know, and just when you think they can't get worse they probably will. You are 9cm dilated, this will give you the last little shove and then we can meet your precious baby."

"I don't want to hurt them."

"Kim, look at me." The Doctor waited until Kim met her eyes. "Right now your baby is handling labour really well but it's been long enough, I don't want you to run into trouble. Let's do this." She was gentle and encouraging and Kim looked at Erin for her opinion and she nodded her head.

They felt that Kim was holding back. Erin had talked to the Doctor when Kim was showering earlier and they discussed this possibility. While you couldn't completely stop a labour by sheer will Kim's reluctance to let go may just slow things down a little. The mind was an amazingly powerful thing and when you had spent nine months letting the growing life inside you control your grief it was hard to flip the switch and embrace this part of the journey. "I want to meet your baby, sweetheart. It's time to let go."

Within minutes of the rupture Kim gasped as she suddenly felt the need to push. It was excruciating and she felt like she was about to split in half and with each push she got closer and closer to giving up. When she almost did give up Erin noticed a change in her and she grabbed the badge off the cabinet and put it in her hand. "He's right here sweetheart."

"It hurts so much." It wasn't just the labour causing her pain, combined with her crushing grief that had bubbled to the surface today Kim was barely coping. The pressure building within her was incredible and she pushed like her life depended on it, certainly the life of her child did.

"Deep breaths Kim." The Doctor instructed. "Almost there, you are doing well. Next contraction just a little push."

Erin helped her sit up a little and the midwife pulled down her gown and with the next push she collapsed back on the bed as they lay the perfect little human on her chest. "Oh Kim." Erin smiled and laid her hand on the baby's back, just below Kim's.

They both looked at the Doctor quickly. "Congratulations Mom, it's a beautiful little boy."

"It's a boy?" Kim gasped and the doctor nodded. Kim stared at the baby on her chest and burst into tears as Erin leant her head on Kim's forehead.

"Oh Kim, he's beautiful. Congratulations." Her tears mingled with Kim's as they watched the infant squirm and claw at her skin. He was screaming and it was the most beautiful sound she had heard. The sound of life. The midwife came and helped Kim offer him her breast. The earlier he started feeding the better, even a little bit would help and they found that babies that were put to the breast within minutes of being born were more successful at breast feeding and Kim was determined to feed her baby.

Looking at his face staring up at her Kim burst into tears again. "He looks like Adam."

"He does." Erin wasn't sure if he did or didn't but if that's what Kim thought then that was good enough for her. "He's beautiful Kim. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For letting me be here for you and..." She stroked his foot softly. "…for him."

Once he had finished trying to feed they took him to be weighed and examined and Erin went with him. Kim didn't want him left alone for one second. Once he had a clean bill of health they wrapped him up and handed him to Erin as the tears streamed down her face. Lifting him up gently she kissed his forehead. "Little man, I promise to always be in your corner. You've got a whole room full of people just outside who have your back and your Mom's. You are our precious little boy. I love you so much."

The room emptied out and Kim and Erin appreciated the calm and quiet. Her little boy was sleeping in her arms and she never wanted to let him go. Her whole heart was in her hands, not only her heart but Adam's as well and that overwhelmed her the most, that she was responsible for the only piece of Adam left in the world. She looked at him, so tiny and innocent and every time she thought about his father, that some part of him was still alive in her arms she cried. It seemed unfathomable that a part of Adam survived. "Can you ask Adam's parents to come in?"

Erin slipped outside. She had taken some photos to show the others but not until Bob and Janet had gone in. "It's a boy." She sobbed as Jay held her up. "He's perfect, he's healthy, they both are. Kim is so overwhelmed right now."

"Hi." Again the tears flowed as soon as Bob and Janet opened the door. They were holding each other's hands tightly. She had asked Erin not to tell them, she wanted to tell them. "Come in." she beckoned them tearfully. "Meet you grandson."

"It's a boy?" Janet gasped as her hands flew to her mouth. "I can't believe it."

"Do you want to hold him?" While she didn't want to let him go seeing Adam's parents with a part of their son they thought they'd never get would be beautiful. They way they had stepped up and been by her side every step of the way, from the moment she told them they were going to be grandparents they had forgotten all the hate and angst that had soured their son's childhood and promised to not let that ruin their grandchild. It was like they were being given a second chance to do right by their son.

"He's perfect. Like his Daddy." Janet sobbed as Kim placed her son's child in her arms. "He looks like Adam."

"He's beautiful Kim." Bob dragged his eyes away from his grandson and hugged Kim. "Thank you."

As he hugged Kim he saw the badge sitting on the cabinet beside her and just held her a little tighter. "I feel him here with us." He whispered. "He'd be so proud of you, I'm proud of you and I promise I won't let you down. I won't let Adam's little boy down."

"I know."

Janet reluctantly let Bob have a cuddle while she focused on Kim. "How are you?"

"I'm tired. I'm okay…" She buried her face in her hands as the tears fell. Janet joined her and wrapped her arms around the broken hearted woman. Before Adam died she hadn't had much to do with Kim and when they split up she actually hated her for breaking her sons heart. Even at his memorial service she had told Kim that she would never forgive her for letting her son die broken hearted. When they found out that she was pregnant with his child and saw how desperately in love with her son she was her heart softened and over the past eight months they had grown close. They had a deep heart to heart conversation not long after the pregnancy announcement and agreed that all that mattered now was this baby and what was in the past would stay there.

"Just remember, you are not alone. We are here whatever you need. Thank you for my grandson, thank you for keeping Adam alive for me."

"I miss him so much. I just want him to hold his child. I know he would have been here with me today."

"Oh honey, he adored you. He is here, in that little boy beats the heart of his father."

Kim was suddenly alone with her little boy. Bob and Janet had left, Intelligence had all come in and met him. It was an emotional time and every time a midwife walked into the room someone was crying. "Well he is a precious boy." She patted Kim's hand when she apologised for all the crying people.

Laying him on the bed in front of her she unwrapped him gently and spent the next half hour touching every part of him, falling in love with him even more than she thought possible. Now he was here it felt very different. Erin had been right, while it was comforting having Adam's child growing inside her being able to see him and hold him bought Adam even closer.

"Your Daddy would love you so much. I don't think he'd ever let you go." She ran one finger over his lips. "I love you so much."

The little boy stretched his legs out and she bent down and kissed his feet. "You are so perfect." His skin was so soft and warm, his legs were long and she smiled as they stuck up in the air. He was almost 23inches long, which was a little above average and weighed a touch over 8lbs. Watching his strange movements was enchanting. He was all arms and legs and he had no control over them whatsoever. Touching his soft dark hair she hoped it would get a little lighter, more like his Daddy's but she loved the way it felt beneath her fingers. Her favourite part though was when he opened his eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes were like looking into the past, they looked through her and she hoped she could see how much she loved every part of him. "I love you little man. I promise to protect you; I promise you'll always know your Daddy. I'll make him proud of me because I am going to make you spectacular."

Her message was beautiful as was the photo she sent of her perfect little boy with his tiny hand resting on his father's badge.

 _'This little man has stolen my heart completely. It no longer beats in my chest; it's in his. In his chest beats the heart of his father. He is perfect. He is my little darlin'…my son arrived safely at 9.02pm last night. I made a beautiful boy that will never get to meet his Daddy but he will always know how much I loved him. I know you will all help me raise him right.'_

"How did you sleep? How was the night?" Erin was in early, on her way to work with the biggest bunch of balloons and a beautiful little rabbit for her baby. She had him out of Kim's arms and in her own in an instant.

"I didn't sleep at all. I held him all night. I am scared to let him go."

"He's not going anywhere Sweetheart."

"I am scared if I close my eyes I will wake up and find this has all been a dream. That I don't have Adam's baby, it was all a lie." Kim wiped her eyes for the hundredth time. She was exhausted and she knew the midwives were worried about her. "Tell me it's not a dream."

"Kim, sweetheart. It's not a dream. This is very real." She nodded at the baby in her own arms. "Trust me, this is not a dream."

When her sister arrived, Erin had already talked to her and she offered to stay all day so that Kim could sleep. "I promise to not leave if you promise to sleep. I will wake you when he needs to feed but you need to sleep Kim. He's not going anywhere." Now that the baby was here it was the start of a whole new world of worry. How Kim coped with the pregnancy was one thing and after a rough few months when her grief was overwhelming she started to get back on her feet, it still seemed a little surreal that she was having a baby considering the circumstances and it was not how she pictured her life unfolding. But that was yesterday and today she was a mother and the grief came back, they knew it would and they had to navigate their way through it.

"Don't let anyone take him away."

She rested her hand on her sister's cheek. "Kim, please sleep. It's okay, I'll be here."

The midwife was relieved to see her sleeping when she came in to check on them both. "Please don't wake her?" Amanda begged.

"I am not going to wake her. I am glad she's asleep; it's been a long night for her. How is she this morning, apart from tired?"

"Good I think. I little overwhelmed but she said he is doing well." Amanda was standing next to the baby's cot as the midwife checked his feeding chart. They didn't want to touch him in case he woke and that would wake Kim up.

"He is doing very well but we will need Kim to relax a little to help him feed a bit better. I understand this is a very emotional time for your sister. Just keep encouraging her to rest. I think this little man knows how special his Mom is and he'll look after her."

"He is special. If he's anything like his Daddy he won't let her fall too far." The midwife squeezed Amanda's hand as a little sob caught in her throat. "I wish he was here."

"Kim's got an amazing support group."

"That's her family."

"He's a lucky little boy."

Kim woke with a start. She blinked a few times trying to figure out what woke her. For just a moment she thought she saw him, with her baby. With his baby but it was a dream, she sat up suddenly and realised she was alone in the room. Alone except for her son, their son and he was asleep.

Falling back against the pillows Kim tried to breathe. Surprisingly she felt calm, even if it was a dream it was comforting because he looked happy. In her dreams Adam was happy and in love with his son. She knew that he would be happy with her decision to keep the baby, not that it was even a decision, she did not even contemplate not having him but she did wonder if Adam would have asked her not to have it, that perhaps he didn't want to be tied to her forever. Trudy had told her, in true Trudy fashion that she was being stupid. "Kim", she barked "I know you have all these crazy pregnancy hormones crashing around in there but that is the stupidest thing you've said since.." she waved her hands around. "..well since you agreed to bump uglies with Roman."

"Can we not go there?" Kim had sniped back at her. "I know I fucked up."

"Yes, yes you did, many times. This baby however is not one of those times."

As the months rolled by she was convinced that Adam would be happy. People convinced her he would have wanted this. She wished she could have asked him though. Seeing him tonight, in her dream was like she was asking and he looked at her and he was happy and she had her answer. It settled over her comfortably, it didn't scare her or break her. It made her more determined than ever to raise this little man into someone spectacular.

Leaning over she pulled the cot closer to side of her bed and lay down so she would see his little face as he slept. Resting one hand on his tummy Kim told him about his Daddy. "I loved him so much and we made mistakes but you weren't one of them little man." She was no closer to a name, the only thing she was sure of was his middle and last names would be James Ruzek Burgess. His actual name she had no idea. Kim closed her eyes, hoping that Adam would come back and she'd ask him but he never did.

Two days later she took him home. Erin came with her and helped her carry all the gifts they had received into her apartment. She was overwhelmed with the outpouring of love they where shown. Her cupboards were fully stocked and her freezer was crammed with pre-cooked meals. All she had to do was heat and eat.

They had a few hours alone and Kim tried not to be overwhelmed by the thought that she had no safety net anymore, the midwives had been wonderful but she needed to bring him home and start her life as a single mom with her little boy.

Her first visitor at home was Al. He'd stopped by the hospital everyday and now that she was at home he wanted to bring her something. He made Kim sit down and relax while he made his own coffee and then picked up the baby and sat down next to Kim, handing her a gift bag.

Inside the bag was a teddy bear. It looked worn and well loved and Kim looked at Al and he was starting at her boy and she saw the little tear in the corner of his eye. "Al?"

"It belonged to Lexi. I want you to have it, I want him to have it."

"Al, are you sure. This is Lexi's, you should keep it."

"No I shouldn't. I have plenty of things of Lexi's, I have photo's and memories." He shook his head sadly. "So much death Kim, I've seen too much. I've lost both my children."

"You still have Michelle, one day Al she'll come back."

"I'm not talking about Michelle. I'm talking about Lexi and Adam. This is a new start, a new life and I want him to have it. It will watch over him. His name is Tad. She couldn't say teddy." He smiled as the memory washed over him. "Please Kim, I want you to have it."

"Thank you Al." A little thought popped into her head and without a doubt she knew her little boy's name. She kept it to herself though, Janet and Bob were coming over tonight and she wanted them to hear it first.

They bought her dinner with them and Kim appreciated it. Everyone told her to rest when the baby did but he didn't sleep much today as he settled into his new home and she felt weary. Apart from that first night when she didn't sleep at all she had no problems now falling asleep, exhaustion was kicking her ass. The moment he woke though, she was awake. "How are you feeling?" Janet had put a load of washing on and tidied up a little when she arrived. She let Kim take a shower while she cuddled her grandson.

"I think I have chosen a name. It came to me today." Kim had tried it out on him and she liked it. All afternoon she had been calling him by his name and it felt right. She hoped Adam's parents would understand why she couldn't call him Adam; she knew that Janet was hoping for it. "His name is Oliver." One day she would tell them why but right now it was probably a kick in the guts to know she chose Oliver because of the role Alvin Olinsky played in their son's life and the role he was about to play in his child's future.

"Oliver." She repeated and looked at the little boy in her arms, her little Adam. "I think it suits you."

"Oliver James Ruzek Burgess. Do you think Adam would like it?"

"He would." Janet was a little disappointed that she had chosen not to name him Adam but understood that it was just too painful right now. His death was still too raw. At least he would forever carry his father's name; he would always be a Ruzek.

 _'We made it home. Oliver James Ruzek Burgess is safely home, being loved and adored. Thank you for making us feel on top of the world and despite the odd cloud I can see the sun shining and I feel like Oliver and I can take on the world. One day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time.'_ Kim sent the message to all her family with a cute photo of Oliver asleep in his own bed with Tad watching over him.

Oliver healed her broken heart.


	44. Bonus - He Doesn't Exist

_**Another deleted chapter for your reading pleasure :)**_

The meltdown was epic, stunning in it's ferocity and frightening to watch. It was a side of Adam that Kim had never seen or imagined that he was capable of. She had never been scared of him before, and even now she wasn't so much scared of him but scared for him.

It was out of the blue.

Adam had applied to rent a property and was knocked back because 'he had no credit history.' That was a kick in the guts; it was really just the straw that broke the camel's back. He'd just had to go through the process of getting his birth certificate again, well more to the point he had to get his death certificate withdrawn. It was just an endless stream of paperwork and he was handballed from department to agency and back again. Being told that he had no credit history, no work history or savings records was like being smacked back down constantly. Even his bank account was suspended because Paul Benson didn't exist anymore. Every time he got back on his feet something was right around the corner ready to knock him over again. Kim wasn't surprised by today; it had to come eventually.

"Where is he?" Kim dropped everything when his Dad called and threw her bag on the table as she frantically arrived. No one was sure why it became Kim's responsibility to handle Adam but she was the only one he would talk to when he was spiralling. They knew that he had confided a lot more in Kim than anyone else, except perhaps Al and even then Kim was probably way ahead of even him with regards to being Adam's confidant. They worried that it was too big a burden for Kim to carry alone but Adam refused to speak to his Dad about any of this.

Bob had sounded panicked when he called her, he'd never seen him this bad.

"Outside." He looked as bad as he sounded. "Kim…." He tried to stop her. "..he's angry. I'm scared he'll hurt you."

"Have you talked to him?"

"He won't say anything."

Kim patted his hand, trying to reassure his worried father. "He won't hurt me Bob."

Kim was willing to try; she had to try. She promised never to let him twist in the wind and he was in the middle of a tornado right now. Peering out the window she could see him smashing an axe into an old tree stump and he didn't stop as she approached him, making some noise as she came out the back door to let him know that he wasn't alone. "Adam." He ignored her.

Kim stepped a little closer. "Adam."

He stopped mid swing and glared at her. "What the fuck do you want?"

"To see you. You seem to be having a bad day?"

"Ha." He started swinging the axe again. "Fuck off."

Kim didn't leave; she just stood and watched him swing the axe repeatedly. The anger in him was staggering, it was peeling off him in waves. Suddenly he threw the axe, bent down and picked up two pieces of wood and threw them at the fence. "What happened Adam?"

"Adam? Who's Adam?" he sneered sarcastically. "He's dead remember."

"Okay." Kim felt she was getting there, she was starting to see why he was spinning. "What happened?"

"Paul, call me Paul." He took three quick steps and was just inches from her, his face shoved up close to his and his breathing was ragged. "Say it."

"No, Adam." Kim didn't move and neither did he. "No." Reaching up to touch his face, in the vain hope of breaking him from his trance she was surprised when he grabbed her wrist tightly. "Adam. Let me go."

Instantly he released his grip and took a step back. "You should go."

"I think I'll stay."

Adam took a step forward and he towered over her again. "I don't want you here."

"Good to know. I am not leaving though so either you talk to me or we just stay here and not talk but I am staying."

Adam just laughed, a little manically. "Great."

He spent the next half hour with the axe again in his hand and hacking away at the stump and the edge seemed to have come off. Kim pulled up a log and watched him, she said nothing and Adam didn't even look at her. Bob did come out at one stage and Kim just waved him away. She noticed a change in Adam when he realised his Dad was there and he was getting agitated again.

After a while he pulled a piece of paper from his back pocket and threw it at her feet without a word. Picking it up she was horrified to read that it was a letter from the FEDS. 'With regards to your enquiry for case number FKO-746-989-X3, not such case number is registered with this office.' He heard her gasp.

"I guess I no longer exist." He spat out a little bitterly.

"This is bullshit."

"No it's not. It's quite fucking obvious isn't it? They have washed their hands of me. Adam Ruzek is a dead man walking."

"Except the fact you are standing right here."

"Maybe it's Paul."

"I don't want Paul, I much prefer Adam."

He came and stood in front of her, his eyes were a little wild and he pulled her up off the log. "Maybe you should choose Paul. Maybe I can fuck you, you know that's something Paul would probably do." He grabbed her hips and pulled her roughly against his body and grabbed her ass with one hand. Kim didn't flinch, this wasn't Adam and she wasn't about to fight him and get him angrier than he already was. "He wouldn't give a fuck about how you'd feel about it tomorrow or when he stopped calling in a week or a month's time. Would you like that?"

Kim stayed calm. "No, don't talk to me like that Adam."

"I'm not Adam, forget Adam." He kissed her roughly, his hand on her throat and the other wrapped around her waist holding her tightly. Kim tried to pull away but he wouldn't let her so she shoved him hard in the chest. "See told you you'd prefer Paul."

"Don't. I didn't like it. I don't like Paul at all, he's not real." She pointed her finger at him angrily. "Don't do that again." Kim stepped closer to him rested her hand on his cheek. "Let me feel Adam." She demanded. "Let me feel you." This kiss was softer, slower and less frantic.

Kim could feel him soften, he was melting into the kiss and suddenly he stepped away and shook his head. "You don't get it do you? There is no Adam." He screamed at her. "They don't care." He was waving his arms around wildly. "They don't want Adam alive, I was supposed to die, I was never supposed to come back. Even though they offered me the choice I was supposed to say no. They don't want this."

"Okay." Kim grabbed his face with both her hands. "I don't care what they want. You are here; you are staying here. You are Adam, I can see him and feel him, I felt you."

"You don't want me."

"Adam, I always wanted you."

"I don't know what to do." He staggered a little and ended up sitting up against the tree stump he had been butchering and pulled his knees into his chest, buried his face in his hands and sobbed. "I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix this." Kim knelt in front of him and pulled his hands away from his face. He looked so broken and she let him wrap his arms around her.

"Fix what?"

"Me."

"Breathe Adam, please. We will work this out and we want to help you. Every single day Adam."

"Some days…."

"Hey, please tell me you are going to say some days are harder than others but I am glad I am back because I don't want to hear any other shit."

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"That I am going to wake up one day and find this is just a sick twisted dream. That you aren't here, that I haven't touched you again or kissed you. That Oliver isn't real."

"He is real. He is very real and he loves you so much."

"I am scared that one day they will come back and say, sorry this has been a mistake, it's too hard to let you be Adam Ruzek and we need you to be Paul Benson again."

"That's over Adam, he's gone. Paul isn't real, you are. He was never a real person. You are here Adam, you are a real person."

"It's not over in my head." It was heartbreaking to see him so desperate. They just kept kicking him and Kim was furious. She had no idea who these people were, or thought they were but hadn't he suffered enough? How could they just tell him his file, this monster case that was fucked three ways from Sunday just disappears? This doesn't just disappear with the push of a button.

Right now though that didn't matter, what mattered was the man in front of her who had been bought to his knees again by these faceless assholes in his father's backyard begging for help. She talked to him, comforted him and eventually took him inside. Kim went and sat with him but she did ask Bob to do something for her. He was beside himself watching it all unfold but equally impressed at the dedication and patience that Kim was showing his son.

Bob knew the road was still rough and he honestly didn't know if Adam was going to make it out the other end. He understood why Kim wanted to wait to introduce him to his son; however once they met it had been the best thing for him and also for Oliver. It didn't mean that these moments weren't going to happen and as hard as it was he had to stand back and let the only person his son would let help him do what she thought was best.

He did as Kim asked. Quietly leaving his house as Kim went back to sitting with Adam He wasn't saying much right now but he was lying down in the bedroom that Bob had set up for Adam when he came back. He would often stay here when Bob had Oliver over. Kim sat on the edge of the bed with her hand on his chest. He wasn't asleep but his eyes were closed and he felt less agitated. "I wish Paul was here just for an hour." Adam spoke suddenly but he wasn't angry at the moment.

"Why?"

"Because he wouldn't be scared."

"Scared of what?"

"You." His answer was simple and honest. "He wouldn't be scared of being with you."

Kim ran her hands over his face, capturing those little tears and pressed her lips lightly against his. She rested her head on his forehead and whispered. "Paul wouldn't stand a chance."

"Do I?"

"Who's asking?"

"Adam."

Kim didn't answer him but she did stay with her hands on his chest and forehead touching his. Before he had the chance to say anything else Bob knocked on the door lightly and Kim told Adam she would be back in a minute. "Don't go." He panicked.

"Adam, just close your eyes and take a few deep breaths." She took a deep breath herself and let it out and encouraged him to join her. "In and out." After a few moments Kim slipped out quietly.

He tried to focus on his breathing but it was taking too long, she was gone too long. If only he could get up, his body felt like lead and he couldn't move even if he wanted too. He hated himself right now; he hadn't been able to stop himself from being a dick. Kim didn't deserve the shit that he threw at her today but he was powerless to stop it. It was like a volcano inside him that had been bubbling away, if he had kept it inside any longer he would have exploded, he had to let it out. He had to apologise, beg her for forgiveness, if only he could move.

When the door opened he let out the breath that had suddenly felt like it was stuck in his chest and waited, expecting to feel her hand or her presence beside him. What he didn't expect was to feel a small body lay down next to him and rest a head on his chest. "I love you Dad." Oliver spoke nervously. "You are the best Dad in the world because you are my Dad."

When Adam started sobbing Oliver begged him not to cry. "Please Dad, don't cry. Don't go away. I don't want you to leave me. Please Dad I love you."

"Oliver, stop. I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?" Adam promised him he'd stay. He couldn't imagine not being here with Oliver now. Even if he never put things right with Kim, even if they decided that they couldn't put their past behind them, Oliver was all that mattered and he was never leaving his son again.

Bob had taken Daisy out to the grocery store when they got back to his place so that Kim could talk to Oliver before she let him see his Dad. He wasn't surprised that his Pops picked him up from school because he did that a few days a week it was seeing his Mom at his Pops place that made him anxious. "Ollie, honey. Your Dad is having a pretty bad day. He's not doing so great."

"What happened?"

"Nothing really happened, he's just dealing with all the paperwork required to get all his identification back. It's taking a little longer than we hoped so some days it's a little overwhelming." Kim wasn't sure how much to tell him. "Ollie, today he's worried he's never going to be Adam again."

"But he is Adam, he's my Dad."

"I know, Ollie sweetie do you think you'd like to go and see him. I know he'd love to see you and hear you tell him how much you love him." Despite how rough it had been dealing with him today there was no way in hell he would hurt Oliver, even though he had been rougher with Kim today than he should have been. Kim knew that wasn't Adam and he would never, not even when he was not sure he knew who he was, he would never hurt Oliver. Oliver was saving him; he kept him in this world.

"I want to help." He jumped up. "What do I say?"

"Just talk to him Ollie. Let him know how much you like him being in your life. I think he'd like to hear it. I trust you."

Kim pressed her ear up against the door and could hear them talking. It was muffled, so trying to make out what they were saying was impossible but they were talking and that was the best outcome. Oliver wouldn't try to analyse him, reason with him or understand what was going on in his Dad's head, he would just tell him what he needed to hear. That he loved him and wanted him to stay.

When Oliver came out he just hugged his mom. "You okay sweetie?"

"I am. Dad's okay. He's sleeping, I stayed until he was asleep. I need to use the bathroom, do you think he'll be okay?"

"He will. I'll go in and see him in a minute."

Kim did creep in and while she thought he was asleep he wasn't. He could feel Kim in the room. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Everything, for today, for what you did eight years ago, for my son."

"Hey…" she ran her hand through his hair. "..thank you for knocking me up. Adam." No matter what she was going to keep reminding him that he was Adam and that was the best thing in the world.

"I bet you didn't say that at the time?"

"Not exactly, but you made a beautiful baby with me."

"And you raised a beautiful boy."

Adam eventually came out of his room and Daisy was excited to see him and like only Daisy could she was bouncing up and down beside him. "Hi, Adam. Pops picked me up from school today and we've been cooking dinner. Are you staying for dinner? We are having dinner with Pops."

He scooped her up and hugged her tightly. "I am Daisy. It's good to see you."

"Are you sad today?"

"I was, I am a little bit but seeing you is making me happy."

"Do you want to dance?" She asked cheekily. Adam and Daisy were always dancing, they would get their groove on and Adam would have her laughing and singing at the top of her voice. He filled her home with fun and light her kids loved it, she wished sometimes that he'd take a moment and realise that. What Kim really loved right now was how they were both so willing to help Adam, they didn't shy away from him because he was sad, they strived to make him smile.

"Not today Daisy but I want you to practice so when I come over on Sunday night we can have a dance-off. Okay?" Kim liked that he was talking about Sunday night and that normalcy they had established.

Oliver didn't wait until Adam called the next day; he called him as soon as his eyes opened. "Are you okay Dad?" It was barely six am.

"Hey Ollie, I am, you woke me up. What are you doing up so early?"

"I didn't sleep very well, I was worried about you. Did you sleep?"

"I did Bud, please don't worry. I am feeling better, spending yesterday afternoon with you and Daisy and your Mom really helped. Now go back to sleep for an hour, I don't want you to be tired at school."

"Okay, can I call you after school."

"I will talk to you later."

He wasn't surprised when Kim called him either. "Can you tell Oliver not to worry please? He's already called me this morning; he didn't sleep well. I don't want this to affect him."

"He's going to worry Adam, I can't stop that."

"Is he okay?"

"He will be, if he knows you are okay he will calm down." Kim spoke softly and quietly. "He's like his father, he worries about people he cares about. It's a Ruzek trait."

Oliver was in constant contact with him during the next few days and was waiting patiently on Sunday night for him to turn up. He'd had to work on Saturday and couldn't come to his game. After having a couple of days off during the week he had no choice but to turn up on Saturday or lose his job. Ollie was disappointed but Adam had called him at lunchtime to find out how the game went and Kim had asked Al to come along instead. He still got a buzz when Al came to games and that took his mind off not having his Dad there.

"Kim…." Adam was jiggling his leg up and down as he waited for Kim to come back down after taking Daisy to bed. He had taken Oliver up but Daisy was being a pain in the ass tonight and couldn't settle. Adam had been on edge since he arrived, he was happy enough and as promised he had a dance off with Daisy and challenged Oliver to their usual computer racing game. "…I want to apologise."

"For what?"

"The other day."

"You don't need to apologise Adam. It was a bad day."

"No, that's not good enough. That shit about Paul, I shouldn't have said those things to you or kissed you like that. That's not me, I hate that I did that. Please forgive me. I promise that's not me, that's not how I feel."

"Adam I know…" Kim placed her hand on his leg. "…it's okay Adam."

"It's not okay." He was getting agitated and Kim needed to bring him back down. "I don't want to scare you away."

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere. We are in this together; I know it's going to be rough some days. That was a rough day, I didn't like it but I know that some days that's what we have to deal with. It's better than the alternative."

"What's that?"

"Me still grieving for you."

"You didn't still grieve for me? After all this time?"

"It never goes away Adam, it gets different, its manageable but how could I not grieve for you when everyday I looked at your son?"

"I can't give you what you want." He had no idea why he went there. He had no idea if she wanted him at all, at least like that. Perhaps it was just his fantasy that was making him fuzzy and think that he was getting signals from her that she wanted more. Even the kiss, when she demanded a kiss from Adam gave him hope.

"Right now all I want Adam is for you to be here in Oliver's life, in our life. It's enough for now."

"For now?"

"Yes, for now." Kim held one cheek in her hand and softly kissed his other before whispering. "It's enough right now."

"Can I stay here a little while?" Kim grabbed a cushion, shuffled back and let Adam lay his head in her lap. They watched a movie and he didn't really talk much. Kim's hand was on his chest and he covered it with his. Kim wasn't surprised that he fell asleep and she watched him.

 _'I can't give you want you want.'_ Was it that obvious? She craved him but it wasn't that simple. Trying to figure out if it was because she still loved him, like that crazy in love feeling or just missed him and wanted some comfort. The comfort she had always received from him, how he made her feel. Did she want that again? And was it just to satisfy a need, scratch an itch, to relive old times or to mend her broken heart, or was it because she still loved him?

He looked tortured as he slept. His face wasn't still and the pain was obvious. He'd done his best to hide it from them all today, he'd been happy and seeing him right now Kim was a little shocked to realise that it was all an act. Adam was in pain, he was suffering and he was trying so hard to protect Oliver, and her to some degree from it. He had apologised for hurting her and watching him now Kim knew that he had been worrying about it since that day.

As that settled on her she was content to sit with him while he slept. Kim kept one hand on his chest and one stroking his hair softly. "I wish I could fix you." She whispered. "Tell me what to do."

For three hours Kim didn't move as Adam slept, she dozed off herself and wasn't exactly comfortable but the fact that Adam slept soundly was all that mattered.

And she was with him and that was what they both needed, they needed each other, if only they had the guts to admit it.


	45. Bonus - Being A Dad

_**Two extra bits that didn't make the cut...an extended version of Kim asking Adam to come to Oliver's Game and a chapter on a day out with Oliver that doesn't go as planned and Adam ends up talking about the UC operation and what went wrong.**_

"How's Oliver?"

Adam didn't even give her a chance to say hello and she laughed. "Well hello to you too."

"What? Hi, hello. How's Oliver? Have you talked to him?"

"Of course I've talked to him." Kim was curled up on the couch with a glass of red in her hand. She needed it; the past twenty-four hours had been a rollercoaster. Whatever loose plans she had for telling Adam and Oliver about each other had been blown out of the water but she was glad it was out there now and they both seemed to be coping well. She was worried about Oliver but he seemed okay with everything and Adam was handling it better than he expected. She was waiting for the anger, at some point things had to wobble.

"Is he okay? Like with everything?"

"Adam, just breathe."

"I can't Kim, I can't breathe. It's all I've thought about, I can't think about anything else. I have a son."

"I know, I gave birth to him remember."

"I do know that, and I hate that I missed it, I've been trying to think if I felt different? It's stupid isn't it?"

"No, it's sweet. You are sweet."

"What if he doesn't like me?" Adam had so many fears, he was broken and tortured and she had told him some of it but there was a lot he just wasn't ready to share. He talked about some of the places he went, the people he met and the work he did but one thing he hadn't told Kim was about the assignment and the moment they told him he had a choice to make. He didn't talk about his 'death'. Kim had asked him once and he just looked at her, shook his head and left the room.

When he came back she could see the effect it had on him, "I can't, not yet, not that." He told her and Kim just held his hand and told him it was okay.

"Adam…" Kim sighed. "I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"He might hate me for leaving?"

"Oliver doesn't hate you for leaving. He knows what happened, he always has. You didn't know, Oliver is okay, he understands." Kim wanted to be honest with him. "Last night he was worried, he was confused and felt like I had been lying to him but he understands. It was just such a shock for him. He doesn't hate you, he's not angry at you."

"Yes but that was before. It's okay to understand when you never thought I'd be back. I am sure you have felt that hate or disappointment, you hated me for leaving."

"Honestly yes. There were times, even before he was born I hated you for leaving but Adam that was just grief. I was grieving for you. I was grieving for your baby never having the chance to meet you. And now he has and you get to see how amazing he is. I love him so much Adam, he's my whole world. My children are my whole world." Kim wanted him to know. "I let go of that anger a long time ago, it was pointless. Nothing was going to change the fact that you weren't there, you were gone." When he started to protest Kim interrupted him. "As far as everyone was concerned you were gone. I buried you Adam; I made peace with it. I never liked it, I hated it but I had to move on, I had a baby to raise and a life to live."

"I never wanted to hurt you, you know that right? I was trying to protect you; I wanted to save your life. I had too."

"You did, you left me with Oliver."

"If I'd know about Oliver I don't know what I would have done. Yesterday I thought why didn't you tell me, I would have stayed or if I had tried to contact you and told you what was happening I would have found a way but I couldn't and I didn't and I hate myself for that. I was angry at you for not telling me."

"I know. What's done is done; can we move past this? I don't blame you and I am so happy to see you again and I can't wait to see my son get to know you."

Adam didn't say anything. Kim could only imagine what he was feeling right now. He wasn't quite ready to let it all go but he was willing to push it back down deep within himself and focus on the most important thing in his world right now. "Hey, Oliver wants to know if you want to come to his game on Saturday morning. If…."

"Yes."

"..if you are busy, he'll understand."

"I'm not busy. I want to come. Where? What time?"

"I will text you the details. Are you sure Adam? This doesn't need to be rushed."

"Yes, yes it does. Unless you think Oliver is scared?"

"Adam, he asked. He wants you to come. He wants to meet you properly."

"Okay, then yes."

"He is scared, but he's happy Adam."

"I'm scared too."

"Why?"

"Why do you think? I have no idea what I am doing? I don't know how to be a Dad; I wasn't expecting this at all. Not once did I think this could happen to me. A long time ago I realised that I would never have this, and now I do."

"Okay. You know, when he was born I had no idea how to be his Mom. I had this tiny helpless baby who needed me to know what he wanted when all he did was cry. I didn't know how to feed him, hold him, and change his diaper. Some days he would cry and cry and I didn't know why or how to stop it but I learnt and you will too. Adam you don't have to do anything, just come to his game that's all he wants right now. The rest we will work out, day by day."

"I don't want to fuck it up."

"Adam, I won't let you fail."

"Promise?"

"I promise. That's our boy, he's my son too and I won't put him at risk or let you break his heart. I know you won't do that either because I know you Adam."

"I'm not that Adam anymore."

"Yes, yes you are. I can see him and feel him and I know there are some big walls you've built around yourself but the Adam I fell in love with all those years ago is still there." Kim was desperate to let him know that she could feel that Adam. It was hard to get her head around the fact that Adam was so unsure of himself, that was never him, he was always so confident sometimes to his detriment but he was willing to put himself out there and make mistakes and learn from them. It was strange to see him so scared of failing.

 **XXXX**

Kim was surprised by Adam's mood. He'd been happy all day; they'd had a fun day at a Waterpark with Oliver. Kim had barely seen them they'd been off taking on the biggest challenge they could find. Oliver was in heaven. But now she had come back from the bathroom and grabbing them a drink and a cloud had descended over him.

"Are you okay?" She rested her hand on his arm and he jumped a little.

"Yes."

"Where's Oliver?" Adam flicked his eyes in her direction and then looked away.

"Adam, what is it? Where's Oliver?"

"He's gone off with some friends. Is that okay?" He asked a little harshly.

"Okay?" She sucked some air between her teeth and took a sip of her drink. He was pissed and she was hoping it had nothing to do with Oliver or he hadn't said anything to him.

Oliver had been sitting talking to Adam when a group of boys approached him. He obviously knew them and jumped up to talk to them. Adam actually liked seeing him interact with other kids; he was fascinated by it all, watching Oliver being a kid. He liked that he seemed popular. "I need to wait until my Mom comes back." He turned and looked at Adam quickly. "I need to ask her."

"Ask her what Ollie?"

"Joey and Zac want to go on the water cannons, I want to ask mom if I can go too? Joey's Dad is coming with us."

"Oh…" Adam felt like he'd been kicked suddenly. "I'm sure she'll be fine with it. I'll tell her."

"Thanks Adam." He almost skipped away and Adam heard one of the boys ask him who that man was.

"That's my Dad."

"I thought that other guy, Steve was your Dad."

"Nope, he was my step dad. Adam has only just come back."

"Where was he? Jail?"

"Nah, I thought he was dead." It was an innocent conversation between friends and it was a kick in the guts. Oliver didn't sound upset about it, quite the opposite in fact but it still knocked him way off axis. It wasn't the way Oliver told his friends who he was; it was that he couldn't ask Adam for permission to go in the first place. It shouldn't have bothered him but it did and he couldn't stop the anxiety taking over. He wasn't that good or strong enough yet.

Kim was at a loss to explain Adam's sudden change. She didn't want him to be possessive, he had to let Ollie live and have his friends too, he couldn't smother him. "He's loved having you here today."

"I know."

"He's still a boy who loves his friends."

"It's okay Kim."

"Then talk to me Adam."

"I'm angry."

"About what?"

"About everything. I'm angry at those fuckers who took this from me, from us, from Oliver." He looked so anxious. "This shouldn't be the first time we are here with him. This should have been something we did every year. I fucking hate it." He jumped up and took off and Kim didn't know whether to follow him or not. She decided to go with him.

Falling into step beside him she didn't say anything and eventually he turned and looked at her. "Leave me alone." He barked. "I'm not ready."

"I am, I am ready."

"This is not about you is it?"

"Hang on…" She grabbed his arm. "It is about me too, you know why. Do I really need to explain it to you? Oliver, your son."

He waved his hand dismissively. "I know, you keep reminding me." It was a dick thing to say.

"Fuck you Adam." Kim snapped. "Oliver is happy, you know he is but he is still confused sometimes and despite what you think he worries about you. He worries that you'll leave, that you are sad or angry or that you won't like him. He worries and I am doing my best to support him but I can't do it alone. I will fight to the death for him and that means right now that I have to fight for you too because all he wants is to have his Dad around and get to know you. So let's try this again okay?"

"It's stupid."

"What's stupid?"

"Just before, he didn't want to ask me if he could go with his friends, he had to wait to ask you."

"Maybe he thought you'd say no because you didn't want him to go."

"No, he didn't ask because I am not his Dad, I am just this random guy who he thought was dead for his whole life." It was the last thing she expected him to say, Adam loved being Oliver's Dad he was doing so well so this was out of the blue.

"Adam."

"What? What Kim? It's true. I'm not his Dad, I'm just this guy who is pretending and those fuckers did this to me. They took this from me. I sat there one day thinking that I'd be home soon and they showed me a photo of you, someone was watching you because I'd been made. They were going after you and you know what they told me. Witness protection or they wouldn't do a damn thing to protect you. I had no choice. Those assholes were willing to let them go after you if I didn't agree."

"Oh…" She had wanted to know what went down but now that he was telling her it was brutal. This wasn't the place either.

"I had two hours and I sat there while they talked about how they were going to kill me….a car wreck that went up in flames was their preferred choice because it would leave no DNA, you have no idea what that's like. I had no choice. They did this to me." He slapped his hands on his chest. "They took me from Oliver, they took me from you. You shouldn't have had to do this alone. I shouldn't have been a coward and let them just kill me, then you'd be safe and I wouldn't feel like I let you down and Oliver, all I've done is let him down."

"Don't you fucking dare, don't say that Adam. I'm glad you are alive; sure I wish I'd known nine years ago but I didn't. You are here now and you protected me and your son, that's a brave thing Adam, coming back is brave. Don't you ever fucking say that again." Kim desperately grabbed his face as she was spinning out of control and people were starting to watch them. "Adam, breath, Adam." She walked him further away from the people around them.

"It's not that easy. All they wanted to do was save their own ass, they fucked up that case and it was easier to ruin my life than admit they fucked up. I ruined your life because of those fuckers." He sat down heavily on the grass and bought his knees up to his chests. "I'm sorry."

Kim was on her knees in front of him. "Adam, I'm not going to lie it wasn't easy, I didn't want any of this shit. I didn't want to be a single mom but I did, I had to raise your baby, your son into someone that you'd be proud of because I needed to prove to you that you didn't die in vain. I held your badge in my hand just to feel you with me, when I was giving birth to your son I felt you with me."

"You don't know how that makes me feel, I wish I was there."

"You were Adam, in my heart and in his. Okay? Then let's go back and wait for our son to finish playing with his friends, take him out for dinner and just enjoy being his parents. I know it's hard for you, you want to make up for lost time but you can't do it all at once. It's going to take time for you to figure it out and it's going to take Oliver time to work it out doesn't mean that he isn't so happy to have you around, he's so happy Adam, I've never seen him like this. He's less anxious; he's calmer and more stable. He loves you and I know how much you love him so we will work this out, yeah?"

"I need you to forgive me."

"I don't blame you for any of this." She held his head in her hands and kissed the back of his head as it sagged forward. "I don't blame you Adam."

"I need you to forgive me. Please." He was begging her. Kim didn't want to say it because it wasn't his fault. None of this was. If she forgave him, or said that she did then it was admitting she blamed him. As far as Adam was concerned until she did he could never let it go.

"Not here Adam. This is not the time. We need to go. I don't want Oliver to worry if he comes back."

"Can you give me a minute? I just need to go for a walk." The last thing she wanted to do was leave him alone but Adam insisted. She was worried he wouldn't come back but Oliver would panic if he couldn't find them. She didn't want Oliver to see him like this either. It was balancing act trying to manage the anxiety of both her son and his father and some days it weighed heavily on her shoulders but she couldn't give up because not only did her son deserve his father but also Adam deserved the chance to be his father.

"Where's Adam?" Kim was still waiting for Adam when Oliver came back. She'd packed up their things a little to keep herself busy. This day hadn't gone as well as she hoped, not for Adam but at the very least she would try to make sure Oliver didn't notice.

"He'll be back soon."

"Is he okay?"

"He is." Kim nodded and wrapped him up in his towel when he started to shiver. "Did you have fun?"

"I did. Is he upset that I left to play with my friends?" Oliver was such a switched on little boy. He was trying really hard to understand his Dad and what was going on with him. He would talk to his mom about it because he didn't feel comfortable talking to his Dad about some things. He was scared Adam would tell him off. Kim was tyring to encourage Ollie to talk to his Dad, Adam would tell him when he'd gone to far and as long as he respected Adam when he said no then that wasn't a bad thing. They had so much to learn from each other.

"No sweetheart, he's not. He just got a little overwhelmed. I know you didn't mean to upset him but you know you can ask your Dad for permission to do things, you didn't need to wait for me."

She saw his lip quiver a little, a trait of Adam's and it made Kim feel like she was going to cry too. "I didn't mean to upset him. I'm sorry Mom, I'm just not sure sometimes."

Kim pulled her son down onto his knees in front of her. "Ollie, it's okay. We'll work this out, but just remember it's all very new for Adam and he's learning too. He's not sure sometimes either but I really want this to work for both of you."

When he did come back he forced a smile on his face. "How was it? If you are going be a cop you need to shoot straight." He ruffled his hair and smiled at Kim.

"I did." Oliver slipped his hand in his Dad's as they walked back to the car. He rarely held his mom's hand anymore but he felt he needed to do it, for himself as much as his dad.

Kim didn't let him go home after they had finished dinner, this wasn't a conversation that he was going to get away with talking on the phone. Adam took Ollie to bed, talked to him for a while and promised Ollie that he wasn't upset with him.

They sat on the front porch; it was the scene where Kim first talked to Al about Adam being alive and where Adam had learnt all about his son and it felt the right place to have this conversation. "What happened Adam?"

"When today?"

"Well that surprised me, but no not today. That day when you found out, what happened with the case?"

He stared off into space. This conversation was inevitable but there was always the hope that Kim wouldn't want to hear it. "I don't know. Things had got pretty hairy. People were dying and the FEDS were getting jittery." He didn't look at her, he was wringing his hands together and rocking slightly and when Kim went to sit next to him he baulked so she moved away a little. "They started blowing me off and stopped giving me information. I got a feeling they were freaking out. Then this guy I'd got in real tight with disappeared and man did they freak. He turned up two days later."

"Where was he?"

"Floating in a river. I'd like to say he was face down but he didn't have a face." He shook his head. "Colt, this guy was a big guy and not only did they go after him but they killed his missus and his kid was left sitting in this shitty filthy house for days with his dead mother, bang…" he made a gun with his fingers and pressed it to his temple. "…one shot in the head in front of his kid." Even now he remembered that day like it was yesterday and no matter how hard he tried to forget, he couldn't.

"They figured he'd been talking to the FEDS but man that was me. I was talking to the FEDS, telling them what Colt had been feeding to me, although he had no idea. I got a man and his wife killed, their kid is an orphan because of me. They were sending a warning. Screw with them and they didn't give a fuck who got in the way."

"Adam, it's not your fault."

"I never got it, you know." He heard her but just continued talking. Once he started it just kept bubbling up inside him and he couldn't swallow it any longer. "I was pissed off about the kid and they wouldn't tell me nothing but I thought maybe he'd have a better life, you know his mom was up to her eyeballs, fucked off her nut on dope most of the time but now, now it just feels so fucking wrong. I don't know anymore, I wish I knew that kid was okay? I thought about looking for them, but they changed his name. I just want to know he's done good, you know?"

"Adam, this is a mess. Why the hell didn't they pull you out earlier?"

"Because Kim, this was supposed to be their big break. This was going to get their name in fucking lights. I was collateral damage, expandable, a piece of fucking dogshit stuck to the bottom of their shoe. For some reason they got spooked and perhaps getting a cop and his family killed wouldn't look good on their resume. I don't know." He shrugged. "Anyway, some shit went down. They pulled me out and then went in and got a couple of the guys but not the big dude, they got the minnows and that pissed them off even more and to save themselves they let me twist. These bastards had pictures of you, of my old man, my mom. I don't know how they knew me. I don't know who blew my cover. Colt was a warning, they weren't after him, they were after the FEDS and that, as far as they were concerned was going to be me. I was there ticket out. Kill me off and the FEDS could wash their fucking hands of this whole fucking mess."

"Someone ratted you out?"

"Yep. These smug assholes sat in this shitty motel, showed me pictures of you that they'd got from these fuckers they arrested. Or so they told me, perhaps they didn't know at all and they were just setting me up, the more I think about it the more I believe that. They basically said 'you die and disappear into witness protection' or 'you are on your own and best of luck to your pretty little woman.' I had no choice."

"I wish I'd known."

"I couldn't take that risk Kim, I couldn't do it. They'd move on to someone else if they thought I was dead. I had two hours, sitting in some fucking dive I was told in two hours time Adam Ruzek would cease to exist."

"But they had a body?" Kim had heard a lot of shitty things in her years as a cop but this came as close to breaking her as anything. Listening to Adam talk about what actually happened, and not the sanitized version she realised she had got in the file. Even Adam's notes were vague. Tears streamed down her face, but they were silent tears, as were his.

"Don't underestimate what the FEDS can do. Some poor old guy, lying unclaimed in a morgue became Adam Ruzek, the ashes you mourned over."

"I don't know what to say. Adam, we looked into this. Voight went on a rampage. He was furious. We didn't give up until there was nothing left, no one we hadn't pissed off. We tried to find out what happened, we did."

"As I said, don't underestimate the FEDS. They are the experts at covering their asses; they don't give a fuck about anyone else. Hell they probably knew you were pregnant, if not before certainly after the shit went down. I had the same handler for six years and he never said a fucking word, I would ask him to look you up, find out if you were okay and he kept telling me the risk was too great. If someone found out they were keeping an eye on you they would know I was alive and they'd come for you. It's bullshit, I know that now, I knew it then but I couldn't take the risk. They knew; I have no doubt." Both of them were silent, Kim moved closer and was happy that he leant into her shoulder. "They kept reminding me that Adam Ruzek would always be on these assholes radar. I pop up and you wouldn't be burying some random old guy."

"So this saved your life too?"

"If I'd known you were pregnant I don't know what I would have done and they were probably worried that I would blow that case wide open, drop them in it and hand them to these assholes on a platter just to see you one more time." He stared at her for a moment. "I had no choice."

Kim slipped her arm around his shoulder as he hunched forward. "I forgive you Adam." His cry was deep, guttural, and heartbreaking and he felt the burden of his guilt finally lifting. "We forgive you."


	46. Bonus - Badge of Honour

"Mom, can I ask you something?" Oliver had been chewing his bottom lip for the past half hour. She could see he was thinking about something but Daisy was doing her reading and he knew that he couldn't interrupt, that was the rules.

"Sure honey."

"Can I show Adam his badge?"

"Oh." That was completely unexpected. Ollie knew that his mother had it, he had seen it and they would sometimes get it out for him and they always talked about it but she had it put away and promised him when he was older he could have it, that she was saving it for him. She didn't quite know when she would give it to him, but he needed to be older. He had the tendency to lose things and if he lost Adam's badge it would destroy her, it had got her through a lot of dark moments. "Have you talked to him about it?" She didn't even know if Adam was aware she still had it. They hadn't had that conversation yet. The photo of Oliver with his tiny hand on the badge when he was first born was the only time he had seen it and for whatever reason he never asked about it.

"No, I think he'd like to see it. He was talking about being a cop yesterday when we went out. How much he loved it."

Adam had talked about it, he'd asked Kim if it was okay that he told Ollie about his career and she was more than happy for him to share those times with Ollie. Adam was happy then, he loved being a cop and despite the bitter way it ended that was when he was his happiest. Until now. This had blown him away. They were getting on so well and it was relentless the way they were growing together. It was better than she imagined. They hit this groove and it was amazing to watch.

"Sure."

"I want to surprise him." Ollie was always looking for ways to make Adam happy. He had noticed there were times when he seemed sad and it had worried him and he wanted to do anything to help his Dad. He honestly thought this might help him.

It had been a whirlwind six weeks and nothing was going to change anytime soon, Kim felt like she was just on the outside what everything unfold. Watching her son fall in love with his Dad was something that she only ever dreamed about. It couldn't come true, no matter how many times she dreamt about it, but it did. It was coming true right before her eyes and she had to keep pinching herself. Hearing Adam tell her that he loved Oliver was one of her happiest moments ever.

He'd called her up and asked Kim to meet him for a coffee. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest as she waited for him to arrive. "Sorry I am late." He kissed her cheek before sliding into the booth opposite him. "Have you been waiting long?"

"No, not long. How are you?" It had been three weeks since Adam and Oliver had met and she'd never seen her son so happy but she still had this nagging fear in the pit of her stomach that this man was going to rip off his mask and admit it had just been some cruel joke or she was going to wake up from this dream and realise that's all it was.

"I'm good. Getting back into work is a struggle. Getting up in the mornings sucks but it feels good to be doing something. How's Ollie?"

She was used to this, eventually he would ask her how she was but right now it was all about Oliver and Kim didn't mind, she found it really sweet that Adam was so enamoured by him. "He's a bit disappointed actually."

"Why?"

"Because I told him I was having coffee with you today and he's at school."

"Yeah but I am seeing him tomorrow, he knows that right." His nervousness was cute and endearing and she was falling under his spell. Adam was coming to his game in the morning and then spending the day with him. "That's what I want to talk about."

"Tomorrow?"

He reached for her hand and a bolt of electricity rifled through her. "Yes, I want to ask you something. Tell me if it's too soon or lame."

"What is it Adam?"

"I love him Kim, I am in love with my son. That's crazy isn't it? I want to tell him that I love him but I don't want to scare him." He rushed out and almost fell back against the seat with relief now that is was out. It had been churning in his gut for days.

She blinked a couple of times. "It's too soon isn't it?" He asked when she didn't speak. "I'm sorry." He looked devastated.

"Oh Adam, it's beautiful." A sob caught in her throat and he reached over and grabbed her shaking hand. "You don't know how happy that makes me. He needs to hear it; you need to tell him. It won't scare him, its what he wants to hear."

"Can I tell you a secret?" He beckoned her closer. "I loved him the first moment I realised that boy in Al's kitchen was our son."

"It's crazy isn't it? That moment you know about them, that instant.." she clicked her fingers. "..it's love."

"Love isn't crazy. Letting go is crazy." He didn't let go of her hand and she got it, she got what he wasn't ready to say. "I won't let go."

Kim actually cried when Ollie told her. He skipped through the door after his day with Adam but it wasn't until she went in to say goodnight to him that he spilled. She perched on the edge of his bed and was surprised when Ollie sat up ready to talk. Daisy had been in fine fettle since he'd been home and Adam didn't come in, he hadn't met Daisy yet, that was a little way off but Kim did come out and talk to him briefly. He could see how happy Adam was and squeezed his hand when he told her he'd talk to her later. "Did you have a good day today?"

"I did. We went fishing. Adam spent a lot of time fishing when he was away." Kim already knew this, Adam always checked in with her about his plans. All he wanted to do was spend time with his son and the first time she let them go out alone Adam had panicked but they had both come home buzzing.

Kim had dropped him at Al's place and he made Kim a coffee before they were heading out. He was telling Kim his ideas for the day, they were going to go to Navy Pier. She screwed up her nose. "What? No good?"

"No, Oliver will love it."

"But not so much you? We can do something else."

"No, it's fine Adam. I will see you when you get back." She stood up quickly; it hadn't been her intention when she arrived today. She actually enjoyed spending the day with both of them but the time was right for Adam to spend some time with his son on his own. She felt a little redundant lately when they were out together, Adam and Oliver were oblivious to her presence at times. "Have fun."

"Kim?" He looked a bit flustered.

"Adam, take Oliver out for the day and I will see you later."

"What do I do? Like for lunch and stuff and what if he gets hurt."

She chuckled lightly and rested her hand on his arm. "Adam, relax. He's hard to kill. You've bought him lunch before, you won't hurt him." Oliver was delighted, he actually clapped when Kim told him she was leaving them alone for the day. She reminded him to be nice, not take advantage of Adam because she knew Adam would do whatever Oliver asked or buy him things to make him happy.

Now she let them go out more often than not by themselves and then they would have dinner together at the end of the day. "Did you catch anything?"

"No, neither did Adam but it doesn't matter. I liked it anyway." He looked at his Mom and his smile was pure. "Adam said he loved me."

"Oh honey, that's wonderful. Did you like it?"

"I did, I did like it." he blushed a little and looked away as he muttered. "I told him I loved him too. Is that okay?"

"Well tell me Oliver, do you love Adam?"

"I do."

"Then buddy, I'm glad you told him."

"Me too." It was right then that Kim burst into tears and Oliver comforted his Mom. "I am so happy Mom. Please don't cry."

"Oh Ollie, I am happy for you too. Don't worry about me, I'm just being a silly mom."

Waiting for his call was torture, she just wanted to know how he felt now. As well as being desperate to talk to Ollie about it, she also wanted to talk to Adam. His feelings were just as important as Ollie's. If Adam was happy there was less likelihood that he wouldn't bolt, that was her biggest fear, Kim couldn't lose him again. "Are you okay?"

"I am, Kim I love him so much."

"He's so happy Adam and he told me what he said to you. Are you okay with that?"

Kim wasn't surprised when she heard his quiet crying. She was used to it now and she would let him go because it could be a little all over the shop. "I never quite understood what it all meant. I stopped thinking that I would ever have that moment again, when the one person who I would die for told me they loved me. I had it once and I thought that was it. I get it now, I get the children thing. I didn't think I was missing out on all that much or I had convinced myself I wasn't but I was. Kim, he owns me and I couldn't be happier. I feel like I can do this."

"Do what?"

"Be here, be his Dad."

"Adam, you are his Dad. You are doing it and you are doing a great job. I know this is hard for you."

"Loving Oliver isn't hard Kim."

"I know, but this is a shock for you, I know you struggle some days but what amazes me the most is seeing you being a Dad, I knew you'd be like this. I was never worried about you being Oliver's dad. I want you to know that. You are the Dad I always thought you would be."

"Thank you for letting me, for trusting me with the most precious thing in the world to you."

"Adam, he's your son. He is precious and he's yours too. I want you both to experience how great that is."

Oliver had it all planned and he had been nervous all day. He had begged his Mom to invite Adam over for dinner, Daisy was away for the weekend and Oliver had planned the menu and helped his mom with the shopping and cooking. He was desperate to impress the man who had come into his life and made him feel wanted. It had turned his life upside down and in the past Ollie didn't cope well with such major upheavals so Kim was amazed at how he was thriving right now. Adam was the best thing that happened to her son.

"I cooked dinner." He proudly told his Dad when Adam arrived. He still hadn't called him Dad but he would tell anyone who asked that Adam was his Dad.

"Did you just? Should I be worried?"

"No, Mom helped."

"Now I am worried. She was never very good." It had surprised them both when Oliver had started asking them questions about when they were together, he only wanted to know the good times though and that was a relief. Neither of them were ready to plumb the misery mine.

"She's got better. Al tells me Mom used to burn water."

"I am right here guys." Every time she walked into a room and saw them together her heart still skipped a beat. It seemed crazy that Oliver looked more and more like his father every day. Adam handed her a bunch of flowers, he had no idea what else to bring. It was his first time in her house, in Oliver's house and he was nervous.

She took the flowers and rested her hand on his arm briefly as she thanked him. Kim could steady him with a touch and that's all he got, a touch and it made his world stop spinning for just a moment. Oliver was quick to drag him away. He wanted to show Adam his room.

He was glad when Kim came up and told them that dinner was ready. It was strange being here, it felt a little surreal and when Oliver bounded down the stairs he followed him but not before he stopped briefly and asked Kim which was her room. "I don't want to get lost."

God damn him. "Keep walking." he winked at her and headed downstairs.

"Ollie sit still." Kim was getting frustrated with his nervousness. He could barely sit in his seat and Adam tried his best to compliment the overly bland lasagne Ollie had insisted they make. Kim had wanted to add a few herbs and spices to give it some flavour but Ollie was worried that Adam wouldn't like it so she let him go and it was dry and bland but the salad, which Kim had made was edible.

"I will cook you the worlds best ribs one day." Adam promised.

"Did you not like it?"

"It was great Ollie. I love lasagne. You did a great job." He ruffled his hair as he served himself another slice of the Italian disaster and Ollie's face lit up as he pushed the food down.

"Can I help you?"

"Sure can Bud." They cleared the plates and he was delighted to find they had Kim's chocolate brownies for dessert. It had always been his favourite. She couldn't cook to save herself back then but her brownies were sublime. As soon as Kim told Ollie that Adam used to love her brownie's he insisted she make them.

"Adam…" Ollie started nervously. "Can I show you something?"

"Sure." He nodded, looking at Kim who just shrugged and averted her eyes. She knew what was coming. Ollie ran into the lounge and came back and stood next to his Dad.

"Mom kept this for me. So I could remember you. Some days she would get it out for me to hold. It was my favourite thing." He handed Adam his badge. "Until now." Adam looked at it and then Kim. She was crying and he couldn't stop himself letting the tears tumble down his cheeks. "Until I met you." Ollie stared at his Dad. He'd also looked at his Mom and she just nodded and smiled a watery smile.

"God Oliver. Come here." He pulled him into his arms and cradled his head as he bent down and whispered. "I love you Oliver, so much. You are the greatest thing in my world. I'm glad I came back because of you and because I got to see your Mom again."

"I want to be a cop, like Mom and like you. They told me you were a good cop, I want to be like you. I want to make you and Mom proud."

"You be you Ollie and be happy and that will be good enough for us." He grabbed Ollie's hand and put his badge back in it and closed his fingers around it. "Hang onto this and I promise to be standing next to your Mom when you get your own badge."

"Yeah?"

"Of course." He beckoned Kim over and for the first time they hugged their boy together.


	47. Rushing

**This is the last of the deleted chapters for Ghosts...enjoy.**

Daisy bounced through the door and spent the next twenty minutes telling her every single thing about her date with Adam while he just stood and watched, looking a little bemused by it all. "I'm going to marry him." Daisy suddenly declared.

"Are you just?" Kim chuckled.

"I asked him, he never got married."

"Why not?"

"Because he is waiting for the right lady…." Daisy leant in close and giggled. "..I think it's me."

"Really?" Kim looked at him and he was blushing a little.

"We had a good day didn't we Daisy?" Adam came and stood by Kim, he liked being close to her lately and liked that Kim was letting him. Whatever dance they were doing, neither of them stopped it or talked about it. It was just happening, it felt relentless.

Initially they had these big waves they rode where they were drawn to each other and then long periods of calm water, now the waves were smaller but happening more often and it felt manageable. Those big, infrequent waves caught them off guard and struggling to deal with the aftermath, these smaller waves just rolled over them. It felt comfortable and without even talking about it they just smiled at each other. It was coming.

"Yes." She clapped her hands. "It was fun."

Daisy was buzzing and Oliver was happy to see his Dad when he got home and they both begged him to stay for dinner. Oliver would do anything to have his Dad at his house; he even asked Kim if Adam could live with them back when Adam decided to get his own place. "He can stay in the basement."

"Adam can't live with us Baby."

"Why not? He's moving out of Al's place."

"Adam needs his own place, he needs space to be alone if he needs it. You and Daisy wouldn't give him a moment's peace if he was here." Oliver had folded his arms across his chest and huffed. It was cute and Kim laughed when she told Adam. It freaked him out a little. He could think of nothing worse at that point. Being around Oliver, well that would be great, living in the same house as Kim, that was just torture.

"So, you are engaged?" Kim laughed as Adam came down from saying goodnight to Daisy. She had insisted that he take her to bed. "How is your fiancé?"

"You jealous?"

"What if I said yes?"

"Well, I'm not worried. It didn't stop you last time."

"Ouch." Adam had always teased her about the fact that she kissed him first when he was still engaged to Wendy. She had been mortified and would beg him to stop. It wasn't her finest moment but at the end of the day, for a brief while anyway she had her man. Sure she let it go to shit. Their path was full of potholes, twists and turns and they still couldn't see the end but they were still on the same path and right now that was all that mattered.

"You made Daisy's day. Thank you." She ran her hand over his knee as she sat down, a little too far away from him for his liking and he handed her a glass of whiskey. They often shared a drink after dinner before he went home.

"We had fun, she's such a sweetheart."

"I think so."

"I really enjoyed spending the day with her, you should be proud, she is just amazing." Adam hadn't spent a lot of time with kids, particularly little girls. He had tended to avoid children in the past because he knew he would never have them and while he had made that decision he wasn't happy about it. Also he didn't want to get attached to someone with kids because it wasn't fair on the kids when he broke their hearts when he left. He always left.

They decided to watch a movie, Kim curled up next to him and rested her head on his chest. It was something they started doing recently when they were alone. It was comforting and gave them closeness that they didn't have to talk about or worry about. It didn't feel awkward or that it had to mean anything. It was just two people who enjoyed each other's company and had an incredible history and were learning how to share the same world again.

Except when you watched a tearjerker. The Notebook wasn't the greatest of choices and Kim had always loved it but it made her cry every single time. Especially now, putting love on hold while one person was away cut a little too close to the bone. Adam sensed it and wrapped his arm a little tighter around her shoulders, he pressed a kiss to the top of her head and Kim turned a little and buried her head in his chest.

"How does this still make you cry?"

"It's pathetic isn't it?"

"A little."

Kim surprised him by slipping one hand under his shirt. He sucked in a deep breath but didn't say anything. Her hand was warm as she softly stroked the skin of his stomach, feeling the wiry hair that ran down from his naval to the top of his jeans beneath her fingertips. She didn't say a word as they watched the rest of the movie in peace.

When it ended she removed her hand and sat up a little. Adam wiped the tears from her face. "Look at you? You big softie." She rested her cheek on his hand for a moment.

"Next time you can pick the movie."

"Really?" he winked. "You sure you want to risk it?"

"We are not watching porn."

"I'd love to watch porn with you again." They one memorable night when they were both drunk and Kim mentioned she'd never watched a porn movie so Adam found a relatively tame one for them to watch together. They didn't end up seeing much of the movie, the first few sex scenes got them so worked up that the spent most of the night trying to outdo whatever was happening on screen.

"I'm a mother now. I don't watch porn."

"We don't have to watch." He traced her lips with his finger. "We could…" Kim quickly placed her hand over his mouth and he nipped her palm.

It was a little wave and they rode it for as long as they could.

The next wave was bigger, unpredictable and left them gasping for air. Kim came home from a girl's night out with some of the mother's from Oliver's school. She was tipsy and a little pissed off. Daisy was with her Dad and Adam offered to stay with Oliver. Adam had to start work early in the morning so Ollie couldn't stay over with him, much to his disappointment and Kim promised not to be home late.

Kim knew she would be the centre of attention and had blown them off for long enough. Up front she told them the basic story and then asked if they could move on. Spending the whole night talking about Adam was not what she wanted to be doing; he took up enough of her head space as it was.

Ella was never one of her favourites. To say she had a high opinion of herself was an understatement and the words mutton dressed as lamb sprung to mind. "Well if you don't make a move on him, I just might." She laughed, finishing off her glass of wine. "He's fucking hot. Don't you just want to jump him? I mean surely he wouldn't mind." Despite Kim's obvious glare she just didn't stop. "I mean he can't be a monk, he must be getting it somewhere and if he isn't well perhaps you can give him my number."

"You are not his type." Kim snarled. The little green monster suddenly sitting on her shoulder felt heavy.

"What? He's gay? Never picked that." Kim just ignored it; she took a mouthful of her wine and let it wash her bitchy reply down.

He was asleep on the couch when she came in and Kim watched him for a few minutes. Chewing on her bottom lip she wondered what was going on in his head? She was annoyed when the conversation about sex rolled through her mind again. Was he out getting it from someone else? Had she pushed him away one too many times?

Leaning on the couch with one hand conveniently resting between his legs so that when she leant forward her forearm was most definitely pressing against his crotch. "Heeeeeyyyyy." He opened his eyes slowly.

"Hi."

"Good night?"

"Yep. You?"

"No dramas. Oliver's drunk but we had fun." He didn't move as he tried to read her face and sum up the situation. She looked hot and as she was leaning forward he could see down her top and the view as impressive. She also looked three sheets to the wind. "What you doing?"

Kim removed her hand but the damage had been done so he didn't need her climbing on top of him. "Can I ask you something?"

"Umm sure." He couldn't help himself, his hands where on her ass and he was pulling her down into him. The feeling of her body on top of his was very satisfying.

"Sex?"

"What about it?"

"Are you having sex?"

"Not right now."

"I know not right now, but like are you seeing someone and having sex?"

"No."

"Do you want too?"

"Kim, what's going on?" Yes he did want to have sex, with the woman currently lying on top of him. "What's this about?"

"This bitch tonight was just going on and on about it, she wants me to give you her number so that she can fuck you because she thinks you are hot and that I am being an idiot for not jumping your bones." The alcohol had certainly loosened her up. "I told her you were not her type, not that I know what your type is…"

"Yes you do." He grabbed her ass tightly with both hands.

"Now she thinks you are gay."

"So not gay but I can see that you are worried about something and that she bothered you?"

"No, I mean yes. I don't know, you can have sex with whoever you like."

"What about you?"

"I'm not having sex."

"I know that, it's not what I meant?" She didn't get it so he moved on. He was asking her if she wanted to have sex with him but in trying to be subtle, in her drunken state she missed it. "Do you want too?"

"No, yes, maybe." Neither of them said a word. Kim sat up, still straddling him and smiled a little when she felt it. "You do?" She cocked her head to the side. "I can feel it."

"What did you expect? Kim…" he sat up, grabbing her hips and rocking her against him. The look on her face was priceless; she looked beautiful. "I don't want her number."

"Fuck Adam. What are we doing?"

She was pushing him to the edge, he was getting to the point that he was going to need to finish this. It wasn't the first time they'd got to this point, or near enough but he always was able to will it away. It wasn't that he hadn't knocked the top of it more than once but usually when he was alone. Now he was contemplating either pushing her over the line or at least asking her if she could finish him off. He was surprised how often he thought about her hand and what she could do with it. "It can just be sex Kim." All of sudden she stopped.

"No." she snapped, pushing him in the chest angrily. "It's not just sex, look what happened last time."

"Last time when?" He was seriously confused at the sudden change in mood. It took care of the dilemma he had; she had popped that balloon.

"You used to tell me that all the time. You don't remember. It's just sex Kim, it means nothing."

"When?"

"Back then, before you ran away." She scrambled to get off him and Adam followed her and grabbed her hand before she ran upstairs.

"Don't walk away. Talk to me."

"I can't go back to that. It has to mean more." He never got used to her tears.

"Hey, hey." He waited until she looked at him. "It does." His kiss was searing. He pushed her up against the wall, his hips bucking against hers. "I don't want to have sex with just anyone anymore. It has to mean something, it never meant nothing with you. I've done the rest and that's not me. You have to be ready for it too, not just here…." He pushed his erection into her crotch. "…but also here…. "He pointed to her heart. "…and here." He tapped her forehead. "Are you ready?"

"No." His head sagged against her shoulder.

"Neither am I." Truth was he felt that he was, he was ready to give her his head and his heart. Hell, she already had it but if Kim wasn't ready he wasn't about to make her feel worse than she already did but telling her that the reason he was about to walk out, to walk away from this incredible moment was all because of her.

Given half the chance he would have her clothes off and be inside her in a minute. He craved her and this game that they were playing was painful and frustrating but he'd rather be playing it than having no hope at all.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, be sure." This kiss was less needy, it was gentle and loving and full of promise and it took everything he had to walk away.

He called her early the next morning when he got a break because he knew she would be freaking out over it. Not talking to her when he knew she had issues or concerns hadn't got him very far in the past. He may not know a lot about her anymore but he'd figured that one out. "Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Kim, please don't worry. I'm not worried, we will work it out and whatever will be will be."

"It's not that easy sometimes Adam, you know it's not."

"Never said it was easy. I didn't want to leave last night, I think you know that."

"Then why did you?"

"Because you said it yourself, your heart and your head aren't on the same page."

It was true, last night would have been a mistake. Jealousy is what got them into this situation with Oliver. He was jealous and angry and they'd had sex and conceived a child that up until four months ago his father never knew existed. "What about yours?"

"Depends on the day."

"Today?"

"In the same book, different chapters." He sighed and ran his hand over his face. "Just in case I didn't make it clear last night, it never meant nothing Kim and that was my problem. I lied to you to make it easy for me, but it was never nothing with you. It was everything."

"Are you coming for dinner tonight?"

"I'd like to."

"We will see you later then."

Adam signed off after telling Kim that he would call Ollie soon. No matter what happened or was happening between him and Kim right now, or in the future he made promise to his son to speak to him everyday and so far he hadn't let him down.

The next wave hit him a few weeks later. He was contacted by the FEDS and they wanted to interview him. He had, unbeknown to Kim applied for compensation but he thought they would read his file and just pay out to avoid any hassles. His case centred around his assertion that he had missed eight years of his son's life because of their mismanagement. Now it seemed it was going to be bitter and drag on but he was prepared to fight for this, he think he deserved it and he absolutely thought Oliver deserved this.

Kim hadn't seen him or heard from him all week although he had sent her the odd text message when she demanded it and she knew that he had been calling Ollie everyday like he promised he would. That didn't worry her, Oliver was happy and said that Adam seemed fine but as the week dragged on and she hadn't talked to him Kim started to fret. She missed him, they had this thing going and when it was missing it hit her harder than she thought.

The first she saw of him was Saturday morning at Ollie's game. He bought her a coffee as usual but he was quiet. "Busy week?" Kim took the coffee and missed the little kiss on the cheek that he had started giving her.

"Yep."

"You okay Adam?"

"Yep." When he heard Kim sigh he realised he was being a dick. "Can we talk later? I'm spending the day with Ollie right?"

"If you want, he thinks you are." Of course he was spending the day with Ollie, he always did and he'd already told Ollie they were going fishing. They loved it and Kim could think of nothing worse. She had no idea what they talked about but even if they didn't catch anything they were always happy when they got home.

They bought home fish for dinner, Oliver was dripping wet and Adam wasn't much better. She sent them both up to shower, although the thought of Adam in her shower was a little unsettling. When he came back down he set about cooking the fish while Kim prepared a salad. Oliver was on top of the world so no matter what Adam had brewing in his head he didn't let it bother Ollie and that was a good thing.

It was a fun afternoon and evening and Kim was looking forward to spending the rest of the evening with Adam. This had become their norm but when she came down from saying goodnight to Ollie Adam had his keys in his hands. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah, is that okay?"

"Not really No."

"I spent the day with Oliver." He snapped.

"Don't make it sound like it's an obligation." Kim pushed past him. "Fuck off then Adam."

Adam reached out and grabbed her arm, a little roughly but at least she stopped. He kissed her and it was desperate. "What are you doing?" Kim pushed him in the chest.

"I'm spinning, I can't stop myself. I feel like I am suffocating."

"Why?"

"Can we not talk about it?"

"You know what Adam, no. You don't get to do that.." she waved her hands around angrily and he knew she was talking about the kiss "…and then turn around and say I don't want to talk about it." Kim was furious with him. "You've been quiet all week, you were off this morning, and now you are leaving but suddenly you want a kiss and tell me you are feeling like you are suffocating but don't want to talk. It's doesn't work like that. Not anymore."

He threw his keys back on the side table. "Fine."

"Why are you spinning?"

"You sound like you want to add a now to that sentence. Like this is something I choose to do."

"Don't be stupid Adam. I know this is not something you can control." She held out her hand to him as she sat on the couch.

"I had a meeting this week." He took a deep breath and Kim grabbed his hand as it started shaking. "With the FEDS."

It softened her tone instantly. "Why didn't you tell me? I would have come with you."

"I didn't want you to talk me out of it."

"Why would I?"

"I am asking for compensation, for Oliver." Kim looked a little shocked. "I mean, I want them to compensate me for missing eight years of my son's life. I can't get that back, I can't go back and re-live his life, seeing him born, take his first step, say his first word, take him to school on his first day. I don't get to do any of that and Oliver doesn't get those memories. All those photos of him, and I love them all but one day he can't sit down with his own kids and say this is your Pops with me when I was your age. I don't get that, and those fuckers owe me. They owe Oliver."

He talked to her about what he was thinking and why and told her what he was asking them for and what he was going to do if they sad no. He was going to blow it wide open, or at least threaten too. Kim wasn't sure it was a good idea and couldn't understand why he just didn't want to let it go. Sure they didn't get all those past memories, but they had the future and that was better than they ever hoped for but Adam was determined to see this through, for his son. "Okay. I wish you had told me."

"I didn't want you to say no."

"Why would I say no?"

"Because they want to talk to him, and to you."

"Adam, this isn't fair. When?" This shit was getting real. Putting Oliver through something like this wasn't what Kim was expecting.

"Not for a few weeks."

"I don't think it's fair to expect Oliver to have to be interviewed."

"It's not fair that Oliver didn't have a Dad for eight years. Can we please just ask him if he wants to do it? If he says no then I will tell them that he can't be interviewed. Maybe he can just write something to be read out. They need to know that they can't just do this, screw with people's lives and then discard them like trash when shit goes sideways. They don't get to wipe their hands of me and pretend that I never existed, they don't get to make my child suffer, make you suffer and not care. Please Kim, I need to do this for me, to put it behind me."

"Can I think about it? How long?"

"There are a few things to go through before then. I need to have an assessment, a mental health assessment."

"When?"

"I am waiting for an appointment."

"Can you tell me when it is? I'd like to know or go with you."

"Sure." He shrugged. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It happened a little quickly."

Kim rested her hand on his leg. "Do you really want to put yourself through this again?" She knew how hard it was revisiting not only those missing years but also that case. After he told her about it he had never mentioned it again.

"Yes. I have to."

"I think that's incredibly brave Adam." She leant forward and pressed her lips to his. Softly and gently and Adam grabbed the back of her neck when she went to pull away.

"Don't." he muttered. They spend a couple of minutes lost in the kisses and both pulled away breathless at the same time. "You are like a sedative."

Kim laughed. "I am not sure it's a compliment."

"It is, it's very therapeutic for me."

"I used to prefer wine…."


	48. Twisting

_**New computer...meant cleaning up the old one and this one had slipped through the cracks somehow. Hope you like it? Adam and Kim try to talk to Oliver about Adam's anxiety and mental health issues.**_

"Mom, Adam's here." Oliver called out. She had been a bit jittery all morning waiting for him to come over. They had decided not to tell Oliver he was coming in case he changed his mind. Even though Kim pushed him to do this and thought it was the right thing it was still up to Adam whether they told Oliver or not.

"Come and sit down Buddy." She grabbed his hand and led him into the lounge. "We want to talk to you."

Adam started. "Did you enjoy yesterday?"

"I did. Did you?"

"I really did. It was nice to meet your friends and some other Dads." He sat next to Kim and reached over her to pat Oliver's knee. "Can I talk to you about something?"

Oliver nodded and held his Mom's hand tightly. "You aren't leaving are you?"

"No Oliver, I'm not going anywhere. I love being here but you do know it's not easy for me some days."

"Why?"

"Oliver all those years I wasn't here, they were tough, really tough and things happened, some of those things weren't very nice and I hurt people that didn't deserve to be hurt, including your Mom. I was told I had to leave everything and everyone I loved and never see them again and I didn't even get to say goodbye and that's not a nice thing to have happen and for a long time I had to pretend I was someone else, not being able to even find out if your Mom was okay was really hard. I really struggle with that some days."

"But you didn't mean it. You didn't want to hurt Mom."

"No I didn't, I never wanted to hurt your Mom. I didn't want to hurt anyone."

"Oliver, you know how sometimes you get nervous and worried about things. You feel a little out of control and don't know how to fix it or stop yourself?" Kim waited until Oliver nodded. "That's called anxiety and it feels very real and frightening sometimes. Sometimes Adam feels like that."

"But you help me feel better when I am scared like that, you can help Adam feel better too." He looked from his Mom to Adam and back to his Mom again. "I can help."

"Of course you can help, you are helping. Everyday. There are lots of people who want to help Adam through this, and we will."

"Okay."

"It's not always as easy though Oliver, it takes me a little time some days. I may need to be alone, I may need to go away for a few hours, or a day or perhaps..."

"You can't leave." Oliver burst into tears. "I don't want you to leave." He was hysterical and climbing over his Mom to hang onto Adam. Both of them held onto him trying to comfort him and get him to calm down and listen. "Please don't go."

"Oliver, I'm not going anywhere."

"You're my Dad, please stay. You just got here." Ollie was quite happy to tell people that Adam was is Dad but he still called him Adam. Some days he was okay with that, even being acknowledged as Oliver's Dad was enough, and some days he just wished he called him Dad.

Adam was starting to freak out; Kim could feel him beside her. He was spinning, he didn't want to talk to Oliver yet but Kim was right, Oliver was going to worry and they needed to explain this to him. Fearing that he was about to get up and leave Kim grabbed his hand to hold him steady as she pushed Oliver into Adam's arms. He clung to his Dad for dear life. They needed each other and Kim had to show both of them how much.

"Oliver, I promise you I am not going away. I am here talking to you today, with your Mom because I want you to know how much I love you and I want to stay here and be your Dad. I want you to help me though. Can you help me?"

"Tell me what to do?"

"Exactly what you are doing. We are having fun aren't we? We are just going to keep doing this."

"I want to help, I will try harder."

"You don't need to try harder Ollie." Adam reassured him. "But on those days I feel bad I want to be able to say to you that I don't feel so great just so you know and don't worry."

"What if I do something wrong? What if I make you sad? What if it's my fault?"

"Nothing about this is your fault Oliver." Kim rubbed his back softly. "It's not anything you do or me or even anything Adam does, sometimes it just happens. I know they talk to you at school about mental health."

"But those people kill themselves." He cried painfully.

"Not all the time Oliver. Sometimes that does happen but that's not what this is about. I don't feel like that at all, I love being here with you and your Mom too much and Daisy too." Adam's voice was shaking and he was beside himself; he never wanted it to go in this direction. Even when he was at his lowest, living the life of someone he hated he never thought about ending it all. That felt like the coward's way out and he'd made his bed and had to lie in it. This was his punishment and as painful as it was he'd rather live it than give in. "I talk to you everyday and I always will, that helps me. Can we keep doing that?"

"I can."

"And, about today. I loved coming with you today and it was nice meeting your friend's Dads but Ollie I really don't like talking about why I wasn't here. Not to strangers, it's hard enough talking to your Mom about it so while I want to be part of your life, right now I need to keep that to ourselves. Does that make sense? Just for a little while."

"Okay." He didn't really understand but he would do anything they asked him at the moment.

"Is there anything else you want to ask us?" Kim wiped away her own tears as well as her son's. He was still leaning on Adam and it was sweet to see him hold his Dad's hand. "You know you can talk to me or Adam at anytime. You can also talk to Pops or Al, they understand how hard this is for Adam. If you feel more comfortable talking to them that's okay but we'd really like you to talk to us. That's why we wanted to tell you today so you know and understand what's going on and we want you to feel safe and that it's okay to talk to us if you are worried."

"Can you stay here today Adam?" Oliver looked at his Dad. "I want to know you are okay."

"No place I'd rather be." Adam relaxed a little. "How about we go out and do something fun?"

"No, I want to stay home with you and Mom." It probably bought Adam and Kim closer together than they were prepared for. They watched a movie together, Oliver was wedged in between them and Adam rested his head on Kim's shoulder while Oliver's was tucked up underneath his chin and after the emotional carnage the morning thrust upon them spending the day at home was the best thing they did. Oliver needed to feel safe and he felt safe here with his parents.

They did have some fun though, they played twister. Adam had told him that he used to play it with Kim all the time, he left out the naked part but the way Kim blushed he knew she remembered and he just winked at her. Oliver had jumped up and dragged it out of the cupboard before Kim could protest.

Having Adam so close was a confusing mix of pleasure and pain. Oliver was oblivious though, he just laughed when Adam pretended to fall and take Kim down with him so that she was lying on top of him. He closed his eyes momentarily and dreamed of times long past when this was just the beginning.

The sweetest moment came though when Adam was just sitting quietly while Kim was making dinner. It had been an emotional day but they'd done it and in the wash up it felt like he was carrying one less heavy burden on his own. It was a little confusing the power Kim had over him, the ability to get him back in balance, to pull him up when he needed saving. He didn't want to rely on her but he had too, if he wanted to make this work he needed all the help he could get.

And then this boy; this incredible little boy who was such a big part of his crazy life just hit him between the eyes. He slipped his arms around Adam's neck from behind. "I love you Adam. I'm glad you came back, I'm glad you are my Dad."

"Oh Oliver, you have no idea." He took a deep steadying breath while his son rested his head on his shoulder and he held his hands tightly against his chest. "I love you too. More than I think you know."


End file.
